You Know That Moment...

... When you realize that noise isn't going away?

Me too, that's why I'm here.

Beware: My sob story below.

Hi. I just signed up. I've had tinnitus for two years, three months and four days. I was sitting on my mother's porch, drinking coffee when I first heard it, a buzzing noise, like the one from a refrigerator. And so thought it was, when I went home, and heard it there as well. I thought it might go away if I had a good night's sleep. Nope, still there the next morning. Not only was I burdened with a new noise, but soon I couldn't tolerate any other noises either. It's better now, but I still don't listen to the radio or watch TV much. They're my no. 1 trigger, above crying babies and cars driving by playing loud music.

This was a week after I came home from the hospital. When I was 26 I was diagnosed with very advanced uterine cancer. There were heavy bleedings and pain to be sure, but the biggest threat was the pneumonia that I didn't recover from. My body had given up. A year before that, the love of my life had left me. It wasn't an easy time for me.

I had my uterus removed surgically - it was a big procedure that left me without a uterus, but with 113 stitches from one side the other. Physically I recovered fast. Mentally and spiritually however, not so much. I have never wanted kids, so one wouldn't think I'd miss my uterus. No more periods, am I right? For me, it was more like: "I've never accomplished anything. I'm just a drain on society. Now I can't even bring any halfwit kids into this world, because my uterus is in the garbage. If it's so easy for a doctor to throw what defines me as a woman and even human into the garbage, what's stopping him from throwing the rest of me in the garbage?"

It probably sounds insane to some, and in a way it was. It nearly drove me to suicide. My life was pain, and the noise in my ear certainly didn't help. It was always there. I've never been the type to have a lot of friends, and I cut ties with my toxic family a long time ago. That noise was my one constant companion. So early one morning I went down to the bridge. I wanted to jump, but instead, I went back home, and Im glad I did. A few weeks later I was walking in the city. Passing a window I saw people inside seated around a long table. I was tired and cold, and decided to go inside. The people seemed nice, so I asked if I could sit with them for a while. And I've been sitting there ever since. It's a group for people who, for various reasons, have problems socializing. On Monday evenings we gather around that table with our needlework and knitting, and talk over coffee and board games. We cook and eat together, and twice a year we go on trips. I owe them so much. Since joining the group, I have written and published a book, made countless new friends, lost over 50 pounds and had my artwork displayed in several local exhibits.

Life is good, but I still have a lot of dark days. I have gotten used to the noise, but sometimes it still gets the better of me. I hoped by joining here I'd have someone to talk when that happens. Just reading the threads here help.

Thank you

 

Hi @Chartreuse, Welcome.

You are not alone. Many of us here have been suicidal. Tinnitus is horrible, and the constant ringing and static (in my case) is maddening.

I am so glad that you found a group of similar people who also have trouble socializing. That helps (as one who also has trouble socializing, making friends, etc..).

You said:

And also said:

The fact that you have been able to habituate, albeit not completely, is not only something, but your stating that here will help others who do not think that they can ever get used to the noise.

You will and do. There is always someone here, and someone always willing to respond and help. You will find that this community of ours has an incredible amount of support, empathy, and kindness to give. It is willed with very giving people who help despite their own suffering. We will be here when you need us.

 

You are a success story you found a group pick yourself back up and stayed good with it, and that is encourageing.

 

Within seconds of me hearing the noise, I knew what it was (I read about T years ago), and I feared that it would never go away...

 

Did you find something to enjoy today. If so, that would be great to hear.