‘Doin’ Stuff...

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Jazzer, Nov 10, 2018.

    1. Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      This ‘thing’ infects every millisecond of my existence, the entire soundtrack to my life.
      My soundtrack used to be jazz - such a joy.
      That’s now history, a past life.
      It seeks to corrupt every thought,
      a noisy witness to every conversation,
      an uninvited guest at every social occasion.
      It has no manners, shows no consideration,
      never sleeps, never takes time off,
      never lets up, it shows me no mercy.
      Not content with being the elephant in the room,
      it now insists on being
      ‘the elephant in my head.’

      The conscripts in this forlorn army, those of you wearing ‘fatigues’ every day, absolutely know all this, whereas normal carefree civilians will have not one pickled clue.
      Lucky old them.

      But if life is so hellish - why even bother?
      A good question.
      I don’t really know the answer.

      What I do know is that life is not worth living, without achievement.
      We need to believe in ourselves.
      To believe - we must achieve.

      But what can we even attempt to achieve in this noisy environment?
      At my worst I laid on a settee for hours on end, day after interminable day, month after month, being tortured.
      I never wanted to move again
      - I had literally hoped to die there.
      I actually prayed for it.
      I had no desire to be a hero.

      ‘Fuck heroism !!!’
      ‘Stick it!’
      ‘I won’t do it.’

      What made matters even worse was the knowledge that I was achieving nothing.
      Nothing at all.
      Sylvie, my angel, said
      “Dave - you now do absolutely nothing - no wonder you feel terrible.
      I know that Tinnitus is a terrible thing, but you have to be even bigger!”

      ‘If Tinnitus is the enemy,
      Inertia is its ally.’

      Go back one year and my day was full of achievements.
      In the mornings I’d spend one hour on trombone technique, high notes, low notes, lip flexibilities - maintaining my “chops.”
      Decide on a lovely ballad for a feature that evening - and run it through.
      Iron out any snags - get it right.
      Perhaps ‘Stardust’ by Hoagy Carmichael,
      ‘Body & Soul’ by Johnny Green,
      or a favourite of mine,
      ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’
      which I used to play in the theatre show,
      “Basin Street to Broadway,” for several years.

      Drive perhaps 100 miles to a gig,
      put on a ‘monkey suit’
      get up on stage with my music mates, and
      play a concert for three hours with no dots,
      I knew all the stuff.
      Play my feature, nail it more often than not,
      jump in the car and head for home.
      Some achievement.

      Now I am plagued with endless wretched noise, but I absolutely know that without achievement I will be lost.
      So what can I achieve, now that I am no longer a ‘Star of Stage and Screen,’
      (I love dishing up that old chestnut - Hahaha.)

      Four (of my thirteen) grandchildren come to dinner every Tuesday evening.
      They range from 8 to 17.
      I’ve always been pretty good with kids,
      I love ‘em - all kids!
      Actually, I make sure I give them what I was never given.
      (Oh - and pussycats - I love all pussycats,
      bet you never saw that one coming.)

      Now I worry that my noise will spoil my interaction with the children, or that their noise will upset me even further.
      Neither turns out to be the case.
      Sam, Dan, Bobbsie and I play ‘footy’ while Sophie, (13) our gold medal gymnast, practices her floor exercises, on the grass beside us.

      Bobsie (8) and I always take time out, to go for a walk and have a serious ‘man talk.’
      I expect you know the thing;
      usually Dinosaurs, Tyrannosaurus Rex being the scariest baddie.
      Venomous creatures, and how long it would take you to die if you were stung by one?
      What were the worst things that happened in the two World Wars?
      Comforting subjects like that.
      He chooses the topics - all ‘men’s stuff.’
      In the security of a beautiful meadow in leafy Surrey, there is no atmosphere of danger.
      We are all perfectly safe.

      Soon we rejoin the footballers and head back for dinner with grandma Sylvie.
      I now think of all of the above as an achievement, given the circumstances.
      Surprisingly I can still do it.
      We all have fun, and succeed in making each other laugh.

      Other achievements:
      shopping - gardening - ironing - domestic duties - vacuuming (with ear plugs in) etc....
      Go back to the onset of severe “T” when my sufferance was active - I was capable of none of this.
      Now that things are more or less passive,
      I cope better.

      I do see all of these functions as achievements.
      Recognising that is quite important.
      Regardless of how we feel, we must set out to achieve.
      I think we have to just get out there and do stuff, if at all possible.

      As @Bam says:
      @Ed209 is 100% correct. Sit at home on your own, and if you have severe tinnitus it will consume your soul. Trust me I’ve done it.”

      My head is still very noisy.
      It always will be, I know that for sure.
      But I am no longer being brutalised on the couch!
      I can do ‘stuff.’
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
      If you look in my thread - “Jazzers Videos”
      you will see my instrumental version of “Wish.”
      As I have lived with this melody for many years I now reflect on the lovely ‘home-spun’ philosophy of the lyrics, clearly written to comfort children of all ages, but of course, I wish that the lyrics were all true, not merely just wishful thinking.

      The irony of it all.
      - - - - - - - - - - -
      Lyrics:
      “When you wish upon a star
      Makes no difference who you are
      Anything your heart desires
      Will come to you
      If your heart is in your dream
      No request is too extreme
      When you wish upon a star
      As dreamers do
      Fate is kind
      She brings to those who love
      The sweet fulfillment of
      Their secret longing
      Like a bolt out of the blue
      Suddenly, it comes to you
      When you wish upon a star
      Your dreams come true.”

      If Only eh?
       
      • Winner Winner x 6
      • Like Like x 1
      • Hug Hug x 1
      • Creative Creative x 1
    2. jay777

      jay777 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      benzo/ headphones
      Dave did you give up playing because it got worse or the fear of it getting worse? @Jazzer
       
    3. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      Very difficult to say.
      Both I suppose.
      With a voice match I measure it at about
      60 dbs against a DB meter.
      If I hold my Braun electric razor to my ear it is a perfect volume match.
      If I then hold my electric razor two inches from my DB meter, it measures 60 dbs..

      How can I risk more damage?
       
    4. SugarMagnolia
      Jaded

      SugarMagnolia Member Benefactor

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      Your posts are an inspiration to me. I don't have kids or kitties in my life, but in my best moments I still have dreams.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    5. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      Hi @TracyJS
      Thank you babe.
      I promised myself that I would come back to you if ever I found any new ideas - treatments - suggestions etc.....anything that might help, that I could mention to you, but I guess we are all pretty much stuck in the same old boat.
      You cross my mind every day - I just wish we could find a new way forward.
      I have learnt to keep busy ‘doin’ some stuff’’ every day as you saw here - it’s better than just languishing I think.
      Must chat some time.
      Love to you, and your lovely puss,
      Dave x
      (who used to be a)
      Jazzer x
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
    6. Manny
      Dead

      Manny Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      central gain << NIHL
      Deep quote. Respect.
       
      • Like Like x 2
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
    7. Manny
      Dead

      Manny Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      central gain << NIHL
      Dave, you know I notice you often sign "former jazzer" or "jazzer - as was" - but I must disagree.
      I'm in my twenties and have only been going seriously at music for ten or so years. But despite my T and HL - which largely ruins music for me - I still consider myself a "music soul". It's my very being. If nothing else I will always remember the way music truly sounded. I will not change my identity for a physical disability. I will always pine for music and I will always dream of truly hearing it again in some world or realm. Even if I'm still here Earth in twenty years with the same T and HL.
      For you it must be so.
      Maybe this is just my wishful thinking.
      xxxx
       
      • Like Like x 2
      • Friendly Friendly x 2
      • Hug Hug x 1
    8. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      Thanks buddy.

      I do so miss the opportunity for jazz creativity.
      I knew exactly how to do it.
      I was a natural - I was very good - I know that.
      I didn’t even have to think of the notes or the chord structure.
      Ideas appeared at my chops, ready formed as it were.
      “BUT” - that opportunity is lost to me now.
      I have to put that life behind me.
      Calling myself ‘Jazzer’ now feels fraudulent.
      I still get a kick out of playing my CDs and Video clips though. I absolutely know I could handle it.
      Nobody can ever take away from me the music that I made, the tracks I recorded, the features that I did.
      However - a far bigger loss to me than my music, will always be my beautiful delicious silence.

      I haven’t lost sight of your own losses Manny.
      You absolutely eat, sleep and drink music - of course I can’t fail to notice your passion.
      By the way - what is your genre - your poison?
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    9. Manny
      Dead

      Manny Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      central gain << NIHL
      Well I do hear you though... I'll think of you as a jazzer always. If principally selfishly - to preserve my own perspective. (If there is a good heaven there must be ethereal music awaiting us...I can dream.)
      I don't mean to be rude - I see we have different ways of looking at it!
      My genre. I like (liked??) many different types of music. But especially a soft spot for soulful string instrumentals (lots of soundtracks), and 80s rock ballads. Oh, how could I but to pine for them!
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
      • Like Like x 1
    10. Manny
      Dead

      Manny Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      central gain << NIHL
      Sam Baker
      Mandy Harvey
      And of course Beethoven.
       
    11. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      SM - that is a lovely thing for me to hear.
      Sometimes I feel so troubled and anxious myself that I wonder how I can possibly help anybody else.
      I think writing is a bit of a catharsis for me.
      I get my thoughts down, re-read them, and surprise myself sometimes that with all the noise going on, I can still make sense.
      Please keep your dreams alive,
      Best wishes
      love
      Dave x
       
      • Friendly Friendly x 2
      • Like Like x 1
    12. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      I am really a complete jazz devotee.
      I love the way a jazz musician stands on stage, and has the courage and integrity to play spontaneously, directly from his own experience, knowledge, and understanding of how music works.
      We think and create - on our feet.

      Louis Armstrong is the absolute God of Jazz.
      Billie Holiday the greatest soulful singer ever.
      So many brilliant jazzers, too many to mention.
      I also love the classical masters:
      Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Sibelius, Rachmaninov, Elgar, Mahler, Bruckner, Brahms, Mozart, etc....

      I also love Ray Charles.
      My only lapse into dubious taste is
      good ‘Barber Shop.’

      Folk - Country and Western - Rock - Pop etc....
      definitely not for me.....x

      It is all highly personal of course.
       
      • Like Like x 1
    13. Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      @Manny @Jazzer two beautiful souls, my mates on here. Although I am nothing like as musically inclined or gifted as either of you I understand. I miss just pumping up the stereo in the car and enjoying being carried away by songs I love. Tonight as I drive my car with the music on quietly and the eeeeeee screaming away it was just another moment of realising how bitterly cruel all this is. Love you guys.xx
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
      • Like Like x 1
      • Winner Winner x 1
    14. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      Bam I am going to have to tell you this
      - my life is better because you are in it.
      I mean it buddy.
      The only way to confront this truly wretched condition we find ourselves in, is with total honesty, which requires great integrity and courage.
      We all have this in buckets, as does my great friend @Greg Sacramento.

      A few weeks back I contemplated leaving this place because certain aspects of it were pissing me off big time.
      When it came to it - I couldn’t do it.
      I couldn’t cut myself off from you guys.
      Thank you:
      @Greg Sacramento
      @Bam
      @Manny
      also
      @Ed209
      @glynis
      and many others, for being the wonderful people that you are.

      Dave x

      AEF5AE77-1A32-4631-A500-7D27AF7D5E74.jpeg
       
      • Hug Hug x 5
      • Like Like x 1
    15. Manny
      Dead

      Manny Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      central gain << NIHL
      Thank you @Jazzer, and thank you @Bam. The feeling is mutual.
       
      • Friendly Friendly x 2
      • Hug Hug x 1
    16. Nanny chocolate

      Nanny chocolate Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Devon
      Tinnitus Since:
      1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unbelievable caused by audiologist!
      I’m feeling left out!
      @Jazzer
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    17. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      “Nanny - you’re invited,
      couldn’t proceed without you xxx”
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
Loading...

Share This Page