MemberThis 'thing' infects every millisecond of my existence, the entire soundtrack to my life.
My soundtrack used to be jazz - such a joy.
That's now history, a past life.
It seeks to corrupt every thought,
a noisy witness to every conversation,
an uninvited guest at every social occasion.
It has no manners, shows no consideration,
never sleeps, never takes time off,
never lets up, it shows me no mercy.
Not content with being the elephant in the room,
it now insists on being
'the elephant in my head.'
The conscripts in this forlorn army, those of you wearing 'fatigues' every day, absolutely know all this, whereas normal carefree civilians will have not one pickled clue.
Lucky old them.
But if life is so hellish - why even bother?
A good question.
I don't really know the answer.
What I do know is that life is not worth living, without achievement.
We need to believe in ourselves.
To believe - we must achieve.
But what can we even attempt to achieve in this noisy environment?
At my worst I laid on a settee for hours on end, day after interminable day, month after month, being tortured.
I never wanted to move again
- I had literally hoped to die there.
I actually prayed for it.
I had no desire to be a hero.
'Fuck heroism !!!'
'Stick it!'
'I won't do it.'
What made matters even worse was the knowledge that I was achieving nothing.
Nothing at all.
Sylvie, my angel, said
"Dave - you now do absolutely nothing - no wonder you feel terrible.
I know that Tinnitus is a terrible thing, but you have to be even bigger!"
'If Tinnitus is the enemy,
Inertia is its ally.'
Go back one year and my day was full of achievements.
In the mornings I'd spend one hour on trombone technique, high notes, low notes, lip flexibilities - maintaining my "chops."
Decide on a lovely ballad for a feature that evening - and run it through.
Iron out any snags - get it right.
Perhaps 'Stardust' by Hoagy Carmichael,
'Body & Soul' by Johnny Green,
or a favourite of mine,
'When You Wish Upon a Star'
which I used to play in the theatre show,
"Basin Street to Broadway," for several years.
Drive perhaps 100 miles to a gig,
put on a 'monkey suit'
get up on stage with my music mates, and
play a concert for three hours with no dots,
I knew all the stuff.
Play my feature, nail it more often than not,
jump in the car and head for home.
Some achievement.
Now I am plagued with endless wretched noise, but I absolutely know that without achievement I will be lost.
So what can I achieve, now that I am no longer a 'Star of Stage and Screen,'
(I love dishing up that old chestnut - Hahaha.)
Four (of my thirteen) grandchildren come to dinner every Tuesday evening.
They range from 8 to 17.
I've always been pretty good with kids,
I love 'em - all kids!
Actually, I make sure I give them what I was never given.
(Oh - and pussycats - I love all pussycats,
bet you never saw that one coming.)
Now I worry that my noise will spoil my interaction with the children, or that their noise will upset me even further.
Neither turns out to be the case.
Sam, Dan, Bobbsie and I play 'footy' while Sophie, (13) our gold medal gymnast, practices her floor exercises, on the grass beside us.
Bobsie (8) and I always take time out, to go for a walk and have a serious 'man talk.'
I expect you know the thing;
usually Dinosaurs, Tyrannosaurus Rex being the scariest baddie.
Venomous creatures, and how long it would take you to die if you were stung by one?
What were the worst things that happened in the two World Wars?
Comforting subjects like that.
He chooses the topics - all 'men's stuff.'
In the security of a beautiful meadow in leafy Surrey, there is no atmosphere of danger.
We are all perfectly safe.
Soon we rejoin the footballers and head back for dinner with grandma Sylvie.
I now think of all of the above as an achievement, given the circumstances.
Surprisingly I can still do it.
We all have fun, and succeed in making each other laugh.
Other achievements:
shopping - gardening - ironing - domestic duties - vacuuming (with ear plugs in) etc....
Go back to the onset of severe "T" when my sufferance was active - I was capable of none of this.
Now that things are more or less passive,
I cope better.
I do see all of these functions as achievements.
Recognising that is quite important.
Regardless of how we feel, we must set out to achieve.
I think we have to just get out there and do stuff, if at all possible.
As @Bam says:
"@Ed209 is 100% correct. Sit at home on your own, and if you have severe tinnitus it will consume your soul. Trust me I've done it."
My head is still very noisy.
It always will be, I know that for sure.
But I am no longer being brutalised on the couch!
I can do 'stuff.'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If you look in my thread - "Jazzers Videos"
you will see my instrumental version of "Wish."
As I have lived with this melody for many years I now reflect on the lovely 'home-spun' philosophy of the lyrics, clearly written to comfort children of all ages, but of course, I wish that the lyrics were all true, not merely just wishful thinking.
The irony of it all.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Lyrics:
"When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing
Like a bolt out of the blue
Suddenly, it comes to you
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true."
If Only eh?
My soundtrack used to be jazz - such a joy.
That's now history, a past life.
It seeks to corrupt every thought,
a noisy witness to every conversation,
an uninvited guest at every social occasion.
It has no manners, shows no consideration,
never sleeps, never takes time off,
never lets up, it shows me no mercy.
Not content with being the elephant in the room,
it now insists on being
'the elephant in my head.'
The conscripts in this forlorn army, those of you wearing 'fatigues' every day, absolutely know all this, whereas normal carefree civilians will have not one pickled clue.
Lucky old them.
But if life is so hellish - why even bother?
A good question.
I don't really know the answer.
What I do know is that life is not worth living, without achievement.
We need to believe in ourselves.
To believe - we must achieve.
But what can we even attempt to achieve in this noisy environment?
At my worst I laid on a settee for hours on end, day after interminable day, month after month, being tortured.
I never wanted to move again
- I had literally hoped to die there.
I actually prayed for it.
I had no desire to be a hero.
'Fuck heroism !!!'
'Stick it!'
'I won't do it.'
What made matters even worse was the knowledge that I was achieving nothing.
Nothing at all.
Sylvie, my angel, said
"Dave - you now do absolutely nothing - no wonder you feel terrible.
I know that Tinnitus is a terrible thing, but you have to be even bigger!"
'If Tinnitus is the enemy,
Inertia is its ally.'
Go back one year and my day was full of achievements.
In the mornings I'd spend one hour on trombone technique, high notes, low notes, lip flexibilities - maintaining my "chops."
Decide on a lovely ballad for a feature that evening - and run it through.
Iron out any snags - get it right.
Perhaps 'Stardust' by Hoagy Carmichael,
'Body & Soul' by Johnny Green,
or a favourite of mine,
'When You Wish Upon a Star'
which I used to play in the theatre show,
"Basin Street to Broadway," for several years.
Drive perhaps 100 miles to a gig,
put on a 'monkey suit'
get up on stage with my music mates, and
play a concert for three hours with no dots,
I knew all the stuff.
Play my feature, nail it more often than not,
jump in the car and head for home.
Some achievement.
Now I am plagued with endless wretched noise, but I absolutely know that without achievement I will be lost.
So what can I achieve, now that I am no longer a 'Star of Stage and Screen,'
(I love dishing up that old chestnut - Hahaha.)
Four (of my thirteen) grandchildren come to dinner every Tuesday evening.
They range from 8 to 17.
I've always been pretty good with kids,
I love 'em - all kids!
Actually, I make sure I give them what I was never given.
(Oh - and pussycats - I love all pussycats,
bet you never saw that one coming.)
Now I worry that my noise will spoil my interaction with the children, or that their noise will upset me even further.
Neither turns out to be the case.
Sam, Dan, Bobbsie and I play 'footy' while Sophie, (13) our gold medal gymnast, practices her floor exercises, on the grass beside us.
Bobsie (8) and I always take time out, to go for a walk and have a serious 'man talk.'
I expect you know the thing;
usually Dinosaurs, Tyrannosaurus Rex being the scariest baddie.
Venomous creatures, and how long it would take you to die if you were stung by one?
What were the worst things that happened in the two World Wars?
Comforting subjects like that.
He chooses the topics - all 'men's stuff.'
In the security of a beautiful meadow in leafy Surrey, there is no atmosphere of danger.
We are all perfectly safe.
Soon we rejoin the footballers and head back for dinner with grandma Sylvie.
I now think of all of the above as an achievement, given the circumstances.
Surprisingly I can still do it.
We all have fun, and succeed in making each other laugh.
Other achievements:
shopping - gardening - ironing - domestic duties - vacuuming (with ear plugs in) etc....
Go back to the onset of severe "T" when my sufferance was active - I was capable of none of this.
Now that things are more or less passive,
I cope better.
I do see all of these functions as achievements.
Recognising that is quite important.
Regardless of how we feel, we must set out to achieve.
I think we have to just get out there and do stuff, if at all possible.
As @Bam says:
"@Ed209 is 100% correct. Sit at home on your own, and if you have severe tinnitus it will consume your soul. Trust me I've done it."
My head is still very noisy.
It always will be, I know that for sure.
But I am no longer being brutalised on the couch!
I can do 'stuff.'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If you look in my thread - "Jazzers Videos"
you will see my instrumental version of "Wish."
As I have lived with this melody for many years I now reflect on the lovely 'home-spun' philosophy of the lyrics, clearly written to comfort children of all ages, but of course, I wish that the lyrics were all true, not merely just wishful thinking.
The irony of it all.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Lyrics:
"When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing
Like a bolt out of the blue
Suddenly, it comes to you
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true."
If Only eh?
