Anyone Else Feeling Hopeless?

I do not remember what it's like to enjoy life. I wish I had the capacity for suicide.

June 2013: Mothers alchoholism is getting bad, haven't seen her sober in a year or two. I wake up with derealization and panic / anxiety and blurry almost blinding vision, go to doctor after doctor being told it's all anxiety. Feel like i'm living in a dream, terrified of everything, feels like I'm on drugs 24/7. Keep going to sleep hoping I'll wake up and it will be gone.

September 2013: My brother dies.

November 2013: I go to a concert with my brothers wife (first time I've been out since the panic attacks hit), get chronic tinnitus in both ears.

December 2013: Girlfriend of three years leaves me, very bad breakup.

March 2014: Still having panic attacks, tinnitus worse than ever, haven't gone out with friends for about a year. Job restructure, I get moved backwards from my position to a call center position.

December 2014: spent entire year in my room. Afraid to make tinnitus worse. Afraid to leave my aunts house (who'm I'm paying rent to). Miss everything about my life before this all started.

May 2015: Random muscle twitches appear in ribs, quickly spread to the rest of my body. Body constantly twitching in EVERY possible muscle.

July 2015: Start noticing it's hard to pronounce certain words. Speech slowly gets worse until I struggle holding conversations with people a month later. Brand new car gets hit by someone driving on the side of the road. I get a ticket for failure to yield, no one ruled at fault, nothing paid for.

This Month: Started feeling weakness in legs. Muscle twitching moved primarily to legs. Face is now feeling tingly and numb, harder to speak. Suspected lyme disease, have been on antibiotics for about a month, no improvement but it's making my tinnitus much, much worse. Possible Multiple sclerosis / Possible ALS if it's not Lyme.



Why the hell am I still alive? Someone wants me dead. If it IS ALS hopefully its quick. I don't know what I did to deserve this punishment but I feel like I do insome sick way. I want to be free so badly, to go back to a time when life was ok and I was happy. I am repeatedly being bashed in the head with a hammer when I try to stabilize. I'm 24 years old. What a waste of a life this has become. I have completely lost hope. Anyone that might try and cheer me up right now would be appreciated.

 

Hi Storch. I can so much relate to you. I'm also having a difficult life right now. On top of my T are so many problems. I have children to take care of and i have good plans for them but this t is in the way and i'm having difficulty. It seems like when i look at it my life, it is going down, but what keeps me going is Hope. I don't know if you are spiritual, but i just wanna share this with you. I pray to God about it and trust Him that He'll do what is best.

 

I recently met a lady (age 50), who was in great shape for her age (she looks 40 at most). she was leading and teaching a QiGong class. Later i found out she had cancer when she was in her early 30s and she should not have made it this far. I guess what i am trying to say is - miracles do sometimes happen.

 

Hope you are holding up today. I am struggling too but try to reach out to my friends in the fight. We have to stay in the fight. Have you had an MRI or any tests for MS? Lyme is a tough thing but its very treatable.
Thinking positive thoughts for you.
B

 

have you been to the doctor for all of this and gotten mri on head? did the doctor tell you what they suspect??praying for you!

 

Anxiety completely out of control can cause all of these symptoms.

So can mold, seriously ... I had massive mold problems in my house and I started having small twitches in a finger that ended up all over ...at the end I was having convulsions. And this is without mentioning all the other symptoms ...similar to yours, as well as super intense anxiety.

When the mold was discovered, I moved out, symptoms stopped.
Is that possible in your living situation ?
Have you been living in the same place the whole time ?

Also.

I have a trick to kill panic attacks , takes one try , two at the most and panic attacks are history.
General anxiety takes longer but is incredibly simple to tackle.
Pm me if you want tips*help with panic attacks.

all the best, we are here for you mate.

 

Bro./Sis: I feel your pain. After 8 'unplanned' suicide incidents [clinically dead 8mins one time] I deeply feel this desire. Most of the times it happens in middle of night, when we're not in our right minds to begin with. And like you, in my right mind, I really don't want to do it. Also, much psycho therapy has been 'so-so' but frankly the only thing that really got me thru this is being connected to G-d/YHVH in my life and inner soul searching / self-examination as a Messsianic-Jew (Follower of Jesus/Yeshua). This has helped me to find inner peace to offset the negative thoughts (I still battle) to get me carried away.
May the L-rd Bless you and others with relief. Shalom.

 

That's lovely. I'm glad you found solace in religion and hope your life continues to improve.