Boyfriend in Dire Straits

Just a quick post.
I need advice.

My girlfriend of 5 year is the love of my life and I'll do anything for her. But recently I don't think she's feeling the same way. And who can blame her.

Her tinnitus is slowly taking control over her and I feel so helpless I'm at my tether as of what to do to help. I wish I could be the one to take the pain away and to help her out. I'm a stronger character and if it meant her to be pain free then I'd do it in an instant.
I just don't know what the right questions are. She snaps so quickly and she's just a different person. She's pushing me away and wants to be alone. I get it. But it's not the real her. I want her to get the relief she craves so badly. But she suffers from
Anxiety and depression big time. She panics at the small things and assumes the worst all the time. I'm from a medical based background to the degree that I know how to deal with first aids and minor incidents etc. So I approach things with ease and she can't . Which is fair.
But we plan on going her first holiday together this year and a surprise event later in the year but I think she won't find the energy or patience to help herself. Please help me help her. Pffft thanks in advance. I know how helpful this forum has been to her so far. And I don't think tinnitus is treated as serious as it should be. ✌️ To you all x

 

Welcome. You are such a nice and considerate boyfriend to her. The best thing is to ask her to come here and post, rant, ask questions and get support. She needs to write and express her frustration, fear, anger, anxiety & depression, whatever they are, just to release the stress from the trauma of living with T. Ask her to read as many success stories as possible to give her hope and hopefully reduce her anxiety and panic, even depression. These negative reaction can zap her energy and rob her of the joy of living. Try to do some relaxing and fun thing, even as simple as a short walk with her. Your best role is to support passively, not to aggressively question her nor push her to do things she is not ready yet.

Massage her tense muscles if you can. Anything to relax and calm her will help. Her body and nerve are a bit overwhelmed now. The trauma of T is causing her brain to function under the limbic system and she reacts in 'fight or fright mode. She is also withdrawing from life due to her depression and anxiety about an uncertain future. She may have many distorted thoughts about the future, called cognitive distortions in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She needs to learn how to counter those thoughts and replace them with more realistic ones. Google search Dr. Nagler's 'Letter to a Tinnitus Sufferer' to find out how to counter these thoughts.

Hopefully she will not always think nor react the same way in a few months, a year or two from now. Most people get better over time, especially with some helpful strategies. A few years back I was overwhelmed with ultra high pitched loud T. Worse I was also attacked soon after by severe hyperacusis. All normal sounds turned glassy in quality, and were piercingly hurtful to my senses as if being drilled constantly. I had to wear earplugs all the time, but the plugs blocked off all outside masking sounds, making the harsh T shrill so dominant and unbearable. I had to choose the lesser of two evils and there was no lesser choice between T & H. The brain saw no way out and it caved into relentless panic attacks, being that I was also a panic prone person before T & H. So besides the horror of T & H, I also had to face the terrible symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks all day. I had to depend on meds just to survive each long, dark day.

I thought I would never recover from such 'hell' of a life. But never say never. I am here back to normal today, living an absolutely enjoyable and productive life. I even travel often after T, taking long flights and going on cruises. I went back to enjoy all that I used to enjoy. Life is beautiful now. If I had known that time and a positive attitude plus some CBT strategies would turn my sufferings around, I would not have spent so much time in total misery during the initial phase of T and worried so much about the future. So ask her hang in there. Don't despair. She will be just fine and you two can have a wonderful family in the future. Keep up the faith and believe it. Here is my success story with some helpful strategies and you can ask her to read it if she has time. God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/from-darkness-to-light-how-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

From personal experience I know it would make me feel so much better if my partner asked me how my T was once in a while and just generally be aware of it when we enter a quiet room and such. It's funny because my partner has T too but she's less bothered by it But then again it could be annoying to others because there's really only one answer to that question at first :/
The way I dealt with it is by finding something exceedingly difficult to be passionate about and focus on which takes up all my time. It would help if together you could figure out a way to get her moving and busy again.
I also kinda feel like I can no longer be alone with my partner and that's really really hard and annoying. It helps to have some ambient sound whenever I want to focus on her to mask the T and make me feel like we're not being disturbed.

This last one sounds stupid but I've considered it myself. You could make or buy a tabletop fountain... stick with me here. If you make/buy a noisy tabletop fountain in which a lot drops hit the water separately, instead of a steady stream, it sounds like a creek. Creeks are really good at masking tinnitus and yet seem to be a sound someone could sleep and relax with.

 

Hi, there is a Tinnitus support group which has recently been set up in Glasgow. The next mtg is 19th July. Might be something you could both go along to and would be helpful. I can give yo details if interested

 

@albagubrath87

Here's the info for the Glasgow tinnitus group:

http://tinnitus.org.uk/contacts/102

May be useful for you both to attend?