Bringing Up Children Whilst Having Tinnitus

I have just helped bring two boys into the world, they are now 3.5 and 7 months, and I'm looking for advice of how to cope with bringing them up whilst having intrusive tinnitus. I'm an older dad and knew I had to be in shape if I wanted kids. I was, then tinnitus struck. I'm 49.

My tinnitus started about 4 months ago and has totally altered my world to the point where I feel what's the point of living like this. I'm suffering very badly. But then I have 2 kids to bring up, and it wouldn't be fair on them if they didn't have a daddy. Talk about bad timing. My kids don't deserve this, and they did nothing wrong. It is my burden to carry.

Luckily, or unluckily, I can work from home (although I haven't done much of that lately). Currently my wife and children are living abroad, and I was too, but the idea is to move to the UK permanently. Looking for a house now.

So can any fathers or mothers give me any specific advice on bringing up children whilst suffering from this affliction? I want to give my kids the best upbringing I can, but I fear it will be far inferior to the one I could have offered 4 months ago. I'm always sad and never smile, which is in complete contrast to the old me.

My wife has little sympathy for my suffering as she sees it as secondary to the children's welfare. She's right, but it still affects me greatly. She doesn't really understand how a sound can cause so many problems.

Is life still great bringing up kids regardless of the tinnitus? I've actually started counting down the days until I'm 67 when my youngest will be 18 and my oldest 21. I have worked out that I have gone about 1% of the journey since getting tinnitus. How sad it all seems! And I fear that the tinnitus will just get worse and worse and that I will forever be a housebound parent.

 

It is not always easy to say the least. Toys, playing, crying, playgrounds, other kids, etc. It can be like walking in a minefield. My little creature is 3. Welcome to life difficulty level: Expert.
Best of luck to you fren. Protect your ears!

 

Do you wear ear protection around them at all times?

 

No, I don't need to. My tinnitus is very very mild and intermittent and my hyperacusis only comes and goes. The hardest part about my tinnitus is focusing at work when it flares up, and the emotional hit from losing my ability to play electric guitar and drums.

 

I'm surprised you're on Tinnitus Talk then. Did you have it worse before?

 

Yes. I have improved quite a bit.

 

@all to gain

I'm in a similar situation with a 3 year old and a 1,5 year old. I don't like to wear protection around them as it makes my tinnitus more intrusive. I would say try to be the best dad you can be and learn from your good and bad experiences and adapt accordingly. Know what you can and can't do. For every activity that you can't do, try to find one that works for both you and the kids. They can and will be loud, but I can now ask my oldest to be quieter and she'll mostly do so. With the youngest it's a matter of being able to see into the future and stay one step ahead of his needs. (Pacifier, video's, food, sleep)

Some days I manage better than others and my wife knows when I tell her I need a break. Mostly, my kids deviate my attention from tinnitus, but sometimes I feel incapacitated (not being able to go to the school play, or generally any activity with parents stuffed into a small place with horrible acoustics)

Shower time is the worst when it's time for washing out the shampoo. I wear earmuffs then, but I always dread that routine...

Another thing is in the car. If you're on the wheel there's no escape from the crying. I make sure to have earplugs or muffs ready. It made me almost pull over on the emergency lane but my wife would threaten divorce...

All the best mate!

 

I have three boys, 10, 6, and 3. Last night I put on my earmuffs while they wrestled for a bit. I eventually asked my eldest, can I take these off, he said yup... coast is clear. Be careful when they are swimming in your back and close to your ear... it’s really dangerous. Be patient and educate them... they do get it... but be vigilant... if there’s a situation that’s really exciting and dangerous, plug up. Sometimes I put on my earmuffs if I go into tickle the little one. I can’t go to school functions anymore, movies, festivals.......my ears are to sensitive.

My kids are so cool, they understand. When I drive, I keep earmuffs next to me in case the shit hits the fan.

Bartoli, you are doing great... just be prepared and have fun. I took them to play badminton last night, played football with the little one... he’s strong. An angel at school and a demon at home.
Let your wife do the showering if it hurts... team work...

P.S. When the shit hits the fan I pull over and clamp down on the chaos fast.

Explain to your wife your disability... she should understand... kids need time outs... I was a school teacher for years. Kids need parents to guide them.
It’s our duty and it is love.

Threats of divorce don’t work on me... there’s the door... feel free to use it.
Honey don’t play that... not with brain damage... hell no.

 

That was mostly meant as a joke, although I sense she doesn't truly understand. Her knowledge doesn't go much further than what the internet has to offer on first sight. With every hospital running some sort of CBT or TRT program for need of a treatment, she feels that it's the right thing to do. I always fear coming across as a tin-foil hatter when I explain I don't put my faith in science when it comes to tinnitus. It's just so disappointing that they're in the Middle Ages regarding this illness...

If you have a heart attack, every hospital takes the same steps... If you have tinnitus, it really depends on the hospital and country, but mostly they preach Jastreboff like it's 1988.

 

Fair play... I am a bit of a bastard, sorry I missed your joke... oops. Perhaps you could educate her a little. Mine is hopeless, a lot of it’s just culture, our cultures are so different.
Lots of illness are in the Middle Ages, we just may get lucky. Just tell her to be supportive and loving. That should be enough. Brain damage is pretty easy to understand.
Be strong, be patient, and good luck.............for all of us.

 

Thanks. This is going to be one hard and long slog. I wasn't expecting this 6 months ago.

 

@all to gain I found this post after searching for threads having to do with parenthood. I hope with time you have found happiness with your sons. I find I'm putting on a performance for my daughter some days, hiding my pain. However, I am hopeful (and my wife reassures me) that I can still be a decent father.

If I had advice, it would be to go easy on yourself. The fact that you are even concerned about your performance as a father puts you ahead of many parents.

I was wondering if anyone has had a child post tinnitus? I'm concerned about how difficult that would be. The number one thing that regulates my tinnitus is sleep. And any parents here know what a newborn does to your sleep schedule!

 

I love my sons to bits, but I am finding it hard going to be honest. When I'm with them my mind is distracted mainly, but when I am alone and working the noise is there and takes over my life and dread sinks in: Is this my life from now on? I can't take it easy on myself, I'm forever beating myself up over what this has done to my sons, my wife and myself.

I would think really long and hard before having more children, i.e. post-tinnitus. Sorry to be so pessimistic. It is good that your wife is supporting you though, and of course ultimately it is a decision that you have to make together. Children bring so much light and joy to the world, but they also bring masses of responsibility.

 

Jep, post mild tinnitus. I was so habituated that the possibility of it getting worse wasn't even on my mind. Many days I'm having to pep-talk myself into staying strong. My moods change so quickly and I can have a different outlook on things in a matter of minutes. I'm still glad to be around for them and hope I'm still a decent father. Life throws all sorts of curveballs at people and if you would consider everything rationally no one should ever have any children because the amount of thing that can happen to one are endless. (Cancer, car accident, any sort of chronic illness,...) Life is never fair. I find that I cope better if I don't dwell on the past and just try to be the best version of the current me that I can be.

 

I have a 2-year-old and I am 45. Also going through very bitter divorce.

I have a spike now and I know how rough this can be. I know I can never go to movies with him or to any games. I am a worried what if my tinnitus gets worse. So far it’s mild tinnitus and I can survive and play with him.

 

Sorry to hear about the divorce. The subject of divorce has reared its ugly head in my relationship too... because of tinnitus and how it's affecting me.

 

I'm finding it impossible not to dwell on the past... my past is so recent! I'm still incredibly angry at how I got tinnitus and what it has done to my family and I. Really not sure if I'm ever going to come to terms with it all.

 

You will not have that certainty until it has actually happened and you look back over your shoulder and find you did come to terms with it. There's a Tinnitus Talk Podcast episode that is called musician's and tinnitus or something along those lines where @Ed209 speaks about the feeling of guilt and how it holds back recovery.

Tinnitus, The Musician's Curse? - CJ Wildheart

You can't just wish that guilt away but even acknowledging the feeling should help you lessen your reaction over time. You say you have moments where you can be less bothered by your tinnitus. You can learn to have more of these moments. The key is to undertake action before you start tuning into your tinnitus. Mine is the same all day and night. But my perception of it isn't.

I find challenging my mind helps me with the tinnitus and in my idle moments it's right at the center of my attention. I hear everything clearly on the TV even at lower volume but it's absolutely impossible for me to focus with the T unless it's something ultrainteresting. So I go do something else. It's a loss, but I have to accept that and move on. I won't torture myself by reading or watching TV. At the end of the day your day has only been as good as the events in them. I've become a bit selfish because I think it's in everyone's best interest if I feel better. I think we deserve that. At least some peace without the quiet. Find what works for you and do more of that and less of what tortures you and that should be a good first step.

 

Any mothers with tinnitus want to weigh in on this thread?

 

Yep I have had tinnitus since 2002 and had my son in 2009. There have been some really tough times and my kiddo was a real noisy one when he was little.

My husband is very understanding to my hearing sensitivities and I feel for you that your wife is not the same.

Tinnitus does appear to worsen as you age - I’ve had it for 18 years and it has ‘crept up’ sadly. Not much you can do about the ageing process unfortunately.

 

I have a 2 year old and I have pretty severe, unmaskable tinnitus. I wear ear pro when she's having a meltdown and screaming, because it causes my H to hurt quite a bit. Other than that, she's the reason why I'm putting up with this. I cherish the time I spend with her, and I can't let T prevent me from being a good father, or let it stop me from enjoying being a father.

 

Two kids here, 2 and nearly 4.
Giving them baths (rinsing hair), shouty car rides, changing or force-dressing them when they prefer to run around naked... All things I am very cautious about because screaming can happen. I hate to wear ear pro because of the intrusive level of my tinnitus, but sometimes you really have to.

In the end they are what keeps me going and give me the strength to face another day. Adorable. But loud.