Dealing with Self-Hate

I absolutely hate myself.

I caused my tinnitus, balance problems, hyperacausis etc all by myself.

I literally can't live with myself.

Slowly I am destroying everything around me. relationship, business, life, family, friendships, everything.

How the hell do people deal with things that cause catastrophic life changes.

Another weekend in hell.

 

I understand , been there, go there sometimes still.
What I have learned is that its a feedback loop , sometimes the only answer is denying yourself the thoughts.
Simply stop thinking . Easier said then done I am aware of that , still , works for me.

 

Your profile says you got it from a burglar alarm...so you're a burglar?

My TMJ tinnitus was caused by faulty orthodontics when I was a kid (plus bruxism as an adult), but I don't blame either the ortho who did the treatment, nor my parents who sent me to him.

There are hundreds on this forum who got T from loud music or going to a concert, but there are MILLIONS who go to concerts and listen to loud music and never get T. I assume in your case you stood too close/long in front of an alarm. But you are a small fraction of the population who get T as a result of that.

Sometime $&#( happens. You didn't cause your T or H. We are all on here the "bad lottery" winners. Thousands or even millions of others who did the exact same things we did didn't end up with T or H. We drew the short straw. So while this condition sucks, never blame yourself for it.

 

Wish i could, I have always been a deep thinker.
Literally consumed by this for 5 months now, how can i get through years of it, I am thinking no chance and literally am fighting putting my m9 in my mouth every day.

Even the though of not seeing my daughter growing up isnt stopping these thoughts.

 

Same here but again, its a loop . Only way to stop yourself biting your nails is to notice when you do it and stop.
Not easy but simple. Takes tremendous will and discipline but rest assured that it works.

And I am not making light of the situation believe me , i know firsthand that this shit is horrible.

 

Well I literally stood in front of a 120/109 changing DB external sounder for a good 10-12 mins and no i am not a burgler, probably 1kh-4kh freq my hearing loss is at 4kh, I knew the danger before I climbed the ladder, thats what is killing me, My frustration, impatience, anger et caused this, not an accident, not loud music, me, literally me, along with being too self absorbed and wanting too sort the problem.
I have been too a rock concert etc before, loud music etc and never had a problem so i think my ears were pretty strong but standing infront of an alarm like that would wake the dead and give them tinnitus. i was literally asking for it and now i cannot live with myself.

 

I know this is cliché, but self hate bro is the exact opposite of coping with tinnitus. I hope you understand this cause and effect. The more you punish yourself for your tinnitus, the worse it is.
I will tell you, you need to figure out how to love yourself. I mean look around. There are some truly despicable people on the planet. We got a couple running for president in fact. You want irony? Some of the worst people love themselves the most.

So your attitude is antithetical to coping with your tinnitus. Acceptance of self and T are fundamental to living with it.
You must be a saint of a guy is all I can say to beat yourself up for what you consider self abuse for causing your tinnitus when in actual fact, there are probably many that have abused themselves more and not contracted it. Blame your parents or ancestors for the genetic interaction. I don't have a single regret for all the experiences I have had in my life from loud cars and motorcycles to excessive noise on the job to my full life including my 100gig music collection. I didn't have a crystal ball to know I would get T and there were likely interactions outside my control that caused it anyway.

I think you are young. There will be a cure in your life time. Meanwhile live large and wait for the fix and limit loud sounds but not eliminate sounds you enjoy.

 

I destroyed my-self in every aspect. Bering stuck in home, lazy, with OCD, doing nothing, causing my self strong spike of OCD, taking benzos and withdrawing cold turkey, listening for years music with headphones.mp3..I had no idea that there is such a thing called tinnitus. If I only knew...but we all make mistakes, I personally see tinnitus as a great lesson.. now I changed my lifestyle and try to repair as much as possible the damage done and take care of my self.

 

I have been in this situation before and I made myself stop, I was 100% sure I could not damage myself, I could lose my temper and beat somone half to death but I always believed I could not harm myself. The thing is, this year seems to have been full of things designed too destroy my life, Why would I (knowing the danger) work on an alarm that I had previously told myself that this alarm is loud enough too destroy your life!!!

I honestly have no words for this...

 

I am no saint believe me, It is my anger that has caused this and I know it, I hate myself for it.

Its not like i didnt have it easy, I did, for a goof few years, childhood etc wasnt easy and that is probably where my anger has come from.

I am 37 now, I should know better, I told myself these alarms are loud enough too destroy your life... Now it has...

If I acquired this from loud music or headphone abuse I could understand but this is a 10 min event that was completely avoidable.

 

Sounds like you may have some deep seated self loathing Jason and you need to somehow shed this burden and get on with your life. Tinnitus is only a part of you but you are using it as a metaphor for who you are when you are so much greater than a noise in your head.

I suggest you get with a therapist to work through your issues and allow you to start to forgive yourself and rid yourself of your hostility and believe you will find your tinnitus will fade in importance. Konstandinos said it perfectly. He used tinnitus as a teaching tool to become a more complete person.
Honestly, I believe this to be universally true Jason. The difficulty I have had with my health...I have had a lifetime of great health....but my struggles with health the last two years I believe in some ways have made me a better person. I better understand the scope of human suffering I really never understood existed.

 

It took me a flick of the wrist and 30 sec to kill my hearing, I am sure there are loads of other examples of self inflicted T on this board. And I was a career musician ...I have to live with that every day I would guess that self blame is a big part of dealing with the mental side of T etc

 

Well, at least you might not do that after experiencing how damage to ones system can have serious lasting effects.
So, thats progress right there in being a better person...just saying.

 

I had no issues with self loathing prior too T, I have had anger issues for years but I always put this down too people being cunts. I hate myself as this was avoidable but my anger caused this and the sequence of events leading up too this seemed too provide the perfect storm.

 

@Jason C I really feel for you and hate that you are thinking like this.
I do have similar thoughts, but more 'what ifs' as I don't know why my tinnitus came on.
I think time is a great healer too and I am hoping that you will be less hard on yourself in time. We can't change the past, but we can learn from it.
There is an ocean distance swimmer in Australia who was diagnosed with melanoma that has spread. I read an article where she obviously spent too much time in the sun unprotected. She has a fight on her hands but she was determined to move forward. She said she knew the risks in hindsight but just didn't really pay them attention.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sure you didn't think this would happen, as if you did you most certainly wouldn't have stood in front of the alarm. It was obviously a stressful time and you wanted the alarm shut off.
You sound like a smart and successful man with a lovely family. You have so much still to be around for.
Please go easy on yourself.

 

I see what you are saying but... at the moment I hope noone crosses me in the wrong way as now I feel like I have nothing too lose and if someone does start on me I will not stop this time. Not a chance. I have never feared the law and never will.

 

Here's the thing: what if your impatience had caused you to run a red light and you'd wound up crashing into a pedestrian and killing them?

Not trying to be melodramatic, but maaaaaaany bad things can happen (and do) all over this planet, every day. (And so do maaaaaany good things.).

I have read all your posts here and I truly understand how human it is to feel the way you do. But at some point, recycling all these thoughts is an exercise in futility (as if, by re-thinking them and re-bashing yourself over and over, it gives you some sense of "control" when really, you don't have control over this mistake you made.). What you DO have control over is the choice to go forward (which involves acceptance that this has occurred, and that no amount of self-bashing will undo it) and to make the best choices you can in these new circumstances.

I really believe you have it in you to be a pioneer for yourself in this new, uncharted territory, and to make the trip forward.

The past will drown you if you stay in it.

Or at least, it will keep you dogpaddling in the mire.

There is a road ahead, and you can do whatever you can to make it as best as possible. And if anything ever IS going to get better, it will only really be if you are ON that road.

I wish you peace and success. And while you're at it, why not give yourself huge daily helpings of self-love. We all do better with that.

 

The law ? What about hurting another person and lets say ...cause them to have T ?

 

Here's the thing Jason. Its called being human. Making mistakes knowing the consequences. I will tell you I am a racer. I have a racer's heart. I shouldn't be here with all the things I have done in race cars and motorcycles. I knew the risks. I did it anyway. You can call that self loathing or being stupid or not giving a shit about myself and I like myself btw...but did them anyway. I have a risk taking gene and always have. But unlike you, I forgive myself for being stupid. Or to put it another way. I just forgive myself for not being as careful as I probably should. I did sell my last motorcycle though but since getting tinnitus I have been thinking about making a visit to the local Ducati dealer.
Sure people are idiots but so are you and me at times. None of us are perfect Jason. Biggest gift you can give yourself is forgiveness...that of self and that of others you feel have wronged you. You will be amazed how this single decision will transform your life. It ain't about eating crow. Its simply acknowledging that each of us are flawed.

 

Its not like I go around picking fights but road rage has been an issue for me, I never start the road rage but if someone starts on me.... well, they will not make that mistake again.

This is kind of my point, it is the past that is killing me, i am sure we all wish we had a time machine too go back and change things.

I did know the danger, I did tell myself when i heard these alarms going off in the past that they have tinnitus written all over them, Its like someone else took control of my senses this year and totally fucked things up and then handed me back a destroyed life and now i am standing looking at the wreckage.

I am not trying too be big headed when I say this but the previous years I have managed too become pretty successful although you never realise it at the time, I have no financial concerns, life was pretty much perfect and then I make one decision that totally destroys my life as I know it.

I have never believed in a god but now even I am starting too thinking there must be a 3rd dimension....

 

Thats a fair point.

I often think about the actor Paul Walker, I love the fast and the furious movies. What if he just didnt get into he car that day. He could have been anywhere in the world, but he was at a charity event and at the end of the event decided too take a car for a road test and he wasnt even driving the car. 5 mins later... Dead.

 

Hey, you could be a person with tinnitus who DOES have financial worries too. How would THAT look and feel?

It's all about how much time a person chooses to dwell on what happened. It's really useless, though. Dwelling doesn't do a thing.

All lives have a mix of fortunate and unfortunate things. At the center of each life is a soul/person who gets to guide their own ship.

Nuff said.

 

Indeed , thats something I have learned as well, no one gets through this without hardship and potentially ..growth..
I get the self loathing thing Jason, i struggle with that myself, its tough.

 

Very true. I am not saying I am not selfish, I am, I know that, Its what has made me successful and probably has also given me T.

 

Well thats the chance they have too take, just like me ffs.

If they get out of the car and start on me then maybe next time they will think differently.

 

Did you get your T from racing bikes or something?? I have loud cars, I could almost deal with things easier if it was from something I enjoyed

 

Heeeeey ... wasn't trying to call you selfish!! You're allowed to make money and be successful!! Just aiming for a little perspective ... (I try to remind my own self to count blessings whenever I'm feeling broody ... ).

We can't reclaim what is past. Our only control lies in the now. This is not a platitude. It's a real fact, and also where any chance of change for the better lies.

I wish you WELL.

 

I know, But I would literally give everything I have to go back too the 28th May and have a chat with myself. Actually i would really like to just start this year all over again.

 

I got T from my biggest passion in life , music.
It was my love, passion, work and I had just made a huge career breakthrough making music for games which is very hard to break into. So yeah , i got it from something i enjoy ,trust me , that did not make it any easier .

 

Did you know the danger though?? I did, I did it anyway.

Do you still work in the industry??