Dealing with Self-Hate

I should have known ...but no I guess i was not fully aware of the danger.
Its a fast moving business so me dropping out there for a while made sure that I was out of the gaming industry.
I really really hope that someday i can make music again ...I have tried , its hard , not sure how that will end.

 

Not easy.

Im intreiged though. You said a flick of the wrist? What did you do if you don't mind me asking.

I'm not even in the alarm business, i shouldn't have been near the alarm. I am a network engineer. It consultant etc

 

Turned the volume button..too high .after realising that i had lost hearing due to stopping benzos cold turkey.
I should have chilled for a few more days at least , had no reason to be in the studio except to listen to a newly released game trailer i just did. So , yeah , i literally ruined my career listening to my career take off.
The irony..

 

Hi Jason,

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Back in March 2016, I was driving to work and it was a fairly warm morning 50+ so I drove with the window half open to work. I need to take a bridge to get to work and sometimes it gets backed up. So, I get stuck in the line to cross the bridge and suddenly, a car with a very loud motor whizzes by and my ear popped. It was so sudden because the car was headed in the same direction I was. Anyway, I went to work and did not make much of it. That night when I put my head down on the pillow and heard the hiss I hear now, I learned what tinnitus is. I also joined this site the next day and Googled till I couldn't Google anymore.

Like you, I went through a lot of self blame and asked "why me", "why couldn't I have been 5 minutes late or 5 minutes early" and basically went through the same feelings you did. Needless to say, it was difficult for the first 1-2 months. Then, I finally convinced myself that tinnitus is not a killer like cancer for example. Also, I am able to use my arms and legs. In essence, I stopped fighting it and as soon as that happened, it gradually released its grip on me. It no longer causes me anxiety and stress. Of course I hear it, but my mind just dismisses it as not important.

Again, I understand it is not easy and everyone has a different emotional/nervous system make up. I also know that everyone's situation is different and some people have very loud, deafening tinnitus. Anyway, at 37 you are younger than I (I'm 44) and we both still have a lot of life left to live.

There is a crazy election in the US, breathtaking world events occurring, technological change happening at break neck pace, and much more! It is a wonderful time to be alive. Also, we are now in the Fall season here on the East Coast with beautiful scenery. Enjoy life and leave tinnitus behind! It is not worth your time or effort!

 

That's terrible a single event caused your T, that was a freek insistent though. I actually went too my problems. I can recall many times I have been with loud cars revving in showrooms and driving threw tunnels etc but never had a problem. I was exposed to a powerful alarm for a good 10 mins at close range so pretty much like being at a gun range for 10 mins with constant blasting.

My issue isn't really the ringing, it's the lose of life. I wanted to go to Las Vegas, New York. London etc all city's I love but they are noisy city's and I cant go there with T, I enjoyed shows and cinema but no longer and music just sounds broken. My balance is affected also and i am conscantly aware of that too. It's far from t causing my problems. It's everything else that goes with it and again was completly avoidable.

 

Michael as always I appreciate your input and just so you know I do not just sit around feeling sorry for myself. I am an IT director which I get up every day and go too, I am in the gym 3-4 times a week. Most wouldn't even know I have a problem as I keep a lot of it too myself as no one gives a fuck. The issues are going on within me as we know.

What I am trying to deal with is self hatrid and depression and no I will not take drugs to deal with it either.

I blame myself for this. I put measures in place too prevent this from happening and I ignored my own rules. It is for this reason that I cannot live with myself, I literally feel like something else took control of my mind for 6 months and then handed me back this broken mess of a life.

How else can an an organised life get turned into a complete mess within a matter of months.

I have no answers for that. Absolutely unbelievable.

Also I was doing better with this in the first couple of months, now 5 months in and it's a struggle not too reach for my m9 every morning.

 

@Jason C My post wasn't specifically directed at you Jason but rather for everyone on this thread. However, I see that it could have looked that way and this is the reason I decided to remove it, but I wasn't quick enough. Please accept my apologies.
Michael

 

It's a support forum michael and you are only trying too help.

If you have an answer for being able too look at yourself in the mirror and not wanting too smash the mirror to bits before going too work then do tell.

 

When you have time Jason, please read some of my started threads by clicking on my picture you might find some answers there.
All the best
Michael

 

That must have been pretty loud.

I could feel the damage being done by the alarm, it felt like a massage for the inner ear like a pumping pressure feeling at the time. It wasn't sore but it was massive noise. Much louder than a concert, more like blast damage given the vestibular issues I now have.

Sound is a powerful thing.

 

too loud for sure , and my ears were vulnerable at the time for sure.
Yeah , sound can do damage.

 

I have read a lot of your posts and you do offer good advice. My issues are not quite the norm though. We all have T from different sources but how many are stupid enough to deliberately go too a 120db high freq external sounder?
Not many!

The chances of this happening have me literally beside myself.

 

Since you have read some of my posts, I suggest you Print some of them and keep them in a folder and refer to them whenever you feel the need for support. Reading them on the screen is fine, but, for the message to sink in they have to be read often. They are a form of counselling.

One last thing. I suggest you rethink on your decision not to take medication to help with your depression.
Michael

 

Being on drugs would make me worse, alot worse believe me.

 

I often think we have no control over anything in this life. We have the illusion of control but everything in our bodies is caused by some outside cause. We are small bundles of flesh and bone. The universe is vast, maybe infinite. Thinking we have a little box of free will in our heads is laughable actually.

 

yeah...incredible tragedy beyond his control of course. The guy driving that high power Porsche...cars with turbos can be hard to control...was likely even a decent driver...driver likely has done track days as Paul Walker had. I was a huge fan of Paul Walker as well. I also think of James Dean who also died in a Porsche.

You talk a lot about your self loathing but I will tell what is worse. Killing or maiming another human being and having to live with that. Like Hulk Hogan's kid who was also a car lover who turned his best friend into a living vegetable. Now that would be life altering.

You have to get over your self loathing for a mistake you made or thought you made 'should have known better.' Hell, most of us should have known better for all the things we have done wrong and of course we all want do overs for the mistakes we have made where the consequences have been greater than we considered. You need to leave the baggage Jason and you may even get to a higher plane where you find the key to happiness which is helping others and making them happy. At some point Jason, each of us should tire of just making ourselves happy and develop the capacity to help others. Some people smarter than us recognize this even at a young age. They for whatever reason have the empathy for suffering that maybe you and I didn't even realize existed. But we now know don't we...what's its like to suffer. If you want irony Jason, it will be...as Constan said, you will likely become a better person because of your tinnitus and you are on that path right now on this forum with your post which is in effect a cry for help.

 

Very wise words and thank you for making this conclusion.
Its worse than that which caused me to snicker in the 'God' thread where I didn't respond to the so called choice of free will. Free will is a myth. We are driven by our environment and our genetics. A person who is clinically insane will never have the same objectivity as somebody who isn't given the same environment.
We are in effect robots based upon our genetics interpreting what the environment gives us. I person with an IQ of 150 will always score higher on their SAT's than a person with an IQ of 80. If you ask the guy with an IQ of 80 if they would like to score 800 on their SAT's, the answer would likely be yes. But the guy with an IQ of 150 like Bill Gates who did score a perfect 800 on his math SAT's...no surprise...he has a different perspective than a guy who doesn't have this capacity. But Bill Gates likely isn't a great artist or a great concert pianist either nor does he possess the great oration skills of Barack Obama...his timing or delivery but if given a math or computer problem, he would make Obama look like a 12 year old. People make choices based upon their anatomy. We each react to the same environment differently. Objectivity and free will is a myth.

 

If you had previous loud noise exposure it could have just been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm kind of the opposite situation where someone else caused it. Believe me it's not any easier to deal with. Especially when you share an office with them and have to put up with all their narcissistic tendencies every day while your ears are screaming.

 

No previous noise exposure, my hearing was perfect up until my self inflicted exposure to the alarm on the 29th May and apart from wax I never had any issues with my ears or balance.
I was under a lot of stress during that weekend and obviously wasn't thinking clearly.
May I ask what actually happened too you??

My exposure was 10-12 mins in front of a powerful alarm external sounder.
I assume the damage was pretty much instant and obviously worse by the time I shut the sounder off. I am amazed I can hear at all after that.

 

Relate 100%.

 

Anger and suffering can lead to destructive behaviors and can be contagious and even exponential... The past cannot be changed but lessons can be learned... or not !
It looks like humans have difficulties learning from the past, either on an individual or collective scale !
Don't vote for anger...

 

Oh man, I can totally relate. I spent many months hating myself for getting into a situation where my guard was down and I could be hit hard enough to bust my eardrum and cause nerve damage to my inner ear. I would sit and contemplate for hours on end "What if I had moved my head an inch in the opposite direction, maybe the blow would have been mitigated significantly, what if I had never gone over to that house that night" You really have to learn to forgive yourself for a mistake. Nothing you do can change the past, and if you find yourself thinking about the circumstances that lead up to your tinnitus, then you're just doing way more harm to yourself. I spent a lot of time training myself to disrupt my own thought processes. If I would find myself going down the road of obsessing on my problems and why they happened, I just instantly force myself to think about something else...anything else. Disrupting negative thoughts is a very tedious, full time job. But if you are extremely diligent and stay on top of it...the negativity will fade in time.