Don't See the Point Anymore to Staying

Good point. So meds are out of the question(temporarily). How much longer are you in the trials?
Assesing the big picture at this point is probably a mistake to be avoided, unless you are contemplating things like the meaning of life itself as a concept.
Tell us more about your interests and hobbies before this scenario started.

 

Well, first, very few of us have had a normal life, and I'm not being facetitous. If I were to tell you all the things that happened to me in my life, the worst one when I was 27 (your age), it would make your hair stand on end. However, I got through it because I'm basically an optimist. My mantra has always been, "In five years it either will get better or it won't matter."

You are absolutely correct that your cognitive functions are being affected, but that doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. I've mentioned a couple times on this forum that I'm writing a book about what I perceive to be the realities of dealing with tinnitus. In that regard, I'm doing a lot of research, some of which correlates with what you're saying. The following are some of my notes in reference to tinnitus and/or hearing loss.

There is actually much more reason for you to have hope for your condition than there is reason for despair. I come to that conclusion after reading hundreds of articles, searching for a balanced approach to coping with tinnitus and, to a lesser extent, hearing loss.

One thing you can do to help your cognitive function is to go online and begin studying the functions of the hippocampus and frontal lobe. Another thing is to start doing brain puzzles, anything that keeps you mentally active and focused on challenging tasks. A good one is Classic Words, a free app available on Amazon for Droid devices.

I hope this helps. At 27, it's very hard to deal with any kind of trauma, but you can get through it if you just take one step forward at a time. As a friend once told me, don't look at the mountain you're trying to climb, just look at the path right in front of you.

 

I was interested in computer programming. Now I can't focus and will have to drop out of a class tomorrow because I can't focus or cognitively do the thing I love(d). That is what I enjoyed. Music was another thing, and I can't enjoy that either.

Yes, that is it. That is what I enjoyed doing. Now I can't do that. Also, the poster after you shows I'm getting screwed over by all of this. Sorry, but if I can't do what I love (I already had another thing stolen from me in life because of health issues), I think its time to hit the restart button. No, I'm not joking. I can't live on this planet anymore like this. I realize many of you are older than me and think that it's just because I'm in my 20s. Well, also realize that you ARE older than me. You were able to establish your CAREERS/LIFE during my time without the issue. Sure, you had other issues in life, but they weren't screwing with your cognitive thinking.

I'm pretty much set on being done. If things don't get better over the next couple of months, I'm out. It's sad too because I was headed in the right direction in life BEFORE this happened. Now, sorry to say, but life is over.

 

I mean, after reading what you wrote, I really see no hope. I see that I have essentially screwed myself cognitively potentially and that is about it. I really see zero hope in that.

 

Please read it again and you will see that I am saying exactly the opposite. The fact that cognitive impairment occurs does not mean that it is irreversible. And especially at your young age, neurogenesis should be significantly easier to achieve than someone who is maybe in his fifties or sixties, when hearing-related tinnitus is more likely to strike.

Always keep in mind that depression affects the chemical balance in your brain, and that can certainly affect your cognitive ability. Sleep affects it. I will say that when in the throes of depression, there is a tendency to view things through a distorted lens and to believe that the worst possible outcome awaits. It's easier for our minds to hold onto something negative, even decades-old grievances, because our brains are wired that way.

The optimists in our primitive origins were the ones who sauntered out, thinking everything would be fine, and ended up being attacked by predators. The pessimists were the ones who feared there was a predator behind every rock or tree, and they're the ones who survived. We may have evolved in many ways, but we still have that amygdala legacy in our DNA. The amygdala still functions as if negativity is critical for survival. That's why it's often referred to as the fear center of the brain. Your fear of the future is your amygdala trying to protect you, but it's doing just the opposite.

If I were in your shoes, I would try to get some medication to restore the chemical balance that your limbic system has disrupted. Either that or make a dedicated effort to meditate, do yoga, listen to binaural music to enhance alpha wave activity, anything that will allow you to envision a future where you function well and are content. Scripting is another good way to do this. There's info about that online.

By the way, my tinnitus is also due to an inconsiderate neighbor, so I empathize with your plight. If I had known what those maniacal barking dogs were doing to my brain, I would have worn ear protection whenever I went outside. Having said that, I want to stress that it's important for you to let go of being angry about the reason for your current state, because that's only adding fuel to the fire that's consuming you. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but it was a big step toward at least feeling better emotionally about my life and my future. Write a letter to your neighbor, express the full force of your anger, put the letter in a drawer, take it out the next day, read it, and then burn it.

 

I'm 30 and my life has come to a complete halt. I went through a really intense 5 month bout of suffering with my thinned stomach lining, tinnitus, hyperacusis, then myoclonus with phantom sounds. I have adrenal fatigue. Undiagnosed lifelong intense anxiety has wrecked my health and lifestyle. Only a little over a month ago I wanted to die; I wanted it to be over. But I'm sleeping well for the first time in my life, and feeling more like what a person should feel like. My views of my hearing problems and my ability to cope with them have changed(not proud of it, but I kinda went crazy for a while there).
I don't have a career and I don't know what the future holds, but my hope in God has been strengthened and I am starting over. I recently picked up fictional writing. I would have never guessed in a million years(as they say) that I would be interested in, or any good at it--and I actually am really good at it. I couldn't really do it when I was going through my 5 months of non-habituated tinnitus madness with extreme anxiety and adrenal fatigue, but now with anti-anxiety meds and some experience with it under my belt, the way I experience tinnitus psychologically and the degree to which it distracts me is radically different now. I plan to self-publish on amazon kindle when I finish a book, and I'm looking into working for an advertisement company that hooks up writers with companies, in the interim.
I know you can't imagine a different mode of consciousness; you just can't. All you can do is view things the way you are, and project that endlessly into the future. But once you are done with the drug trials you can get some meds and more acclamation and you will see that the mind is capable of a day-and-night shift in how you see and experience things like this.

 

Listen you mention your age a lot. I have autoimmune disorder which for me to start meant a permanent headache, really, every single day. I first became aware of this in junior school but nobody believed me. I lived my life with it, always trying to find a cure. I began nursing but could not continue as I was not strong enough, but nobody knew why and thought I was lazy. I searched still for the cure, took hundreds of pills. I had a family, still searched for a cure.
At 44 I found my saviour a Professor in London. Finally treatment, not cure, over 30 years it took. My life was going great from then, and then at 50 I got T. That is shit I can tell you. Right now at least you have fitness and health so you can over come.
My son works in computing he is 26, he suffers many migraines a week, his cognitive abilities are constantly challenged but he will not give up. He has fought with exercise, diet so many things to help himself as there is no cure. But he says his happiness is within, its nothing to do with his migraines or not.
Don't give up your career, I know it is hard as T makes it hard to think, but it will get better I promise you. As for hearing loss at least the world will make some exceptions for the disability of hearing loss, it makes non for T.

 

@AnxiousJon,
Great to read your do I ng a lot better and looking to the future.
Nice to read your positive post.....lots of love glynis

 

I program computers daily with obnoxious high-pitched tinnitus. You'll be fine.

 

This forum has many high-functioning members with different hearing afflictions who have moderate to severe challenges that must be dealt with on a daily basis. The ability to concentrate is one of those challenges. There are writers, programmers, musicians and composers, website designers, teachers, students, et cetera. It's actually quite remarkable how much gets accomplished despite the obstacle of impairment.

 

Listen her man and you listen well. I know you are going through a rough time
You're in your 20s and dealing with lost hearing and tinnitus, and you're right. It shouldn't be like that. But life isn't fair. It never was and never going to be. I have never told anyone this, because I don't like to be negative and tell people what I have gone through. But you seem to be lost, so this may help. Read this whole post, it got a point.

You got a mom and a dad? If you do, good. Because I don't. I saw my parents literally getting slaughtered in front of my eyes at age of 12 in Iraq after the US invasion in 2003 by shia Iraqi military, simply because we were sunnies and there was a war going on. Long story short, I came to Norway as a refugee when I was 14, the same year I was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer. Now thank God I was living in Norway, health system is free here so they put me under chemotherapy and I was given a new bone marrow. But then the impossible happened. I was given so many medicines side effect started kicking in. Thalassemia and migraine being one of them. But that wasn't the worst part. I woke up one night at hospital with extreme headache. It was like as my eyes were being ripped off slowly. I lost my vision temporary as well and fell into coma. I don't remember much, but I woke up two weeks later and doctors told me I was diagnosed with PRES. The only reasion I survived it was because i lived in one of the best health system country in the world. I wouldn't be alive if I got cancer and still be living in Iraq. You wouldn't believe how happy I was living in this country, and still am. This was the best thing that could ever happend to me.

When I was 16 I was completely normal. No pain. No health issues. Completely healthy and fresh. I could finally breath again. I was like every other teenager in my country. I went to school, played football in my freetime and just enjoyed my life at its fullest. Life was finally great again. I had a lovely familiy that did take care of me and I hadnt felt so much joy in a long time.

When I turned 18 in 2015 I moved out, got myself a job and started focusing on my studies. My house was so empty and quite at night time, and this is where I made this brutal mistake which will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I started listenting to loud music. 24/7 every day on full volum with my headphones on. I never knew the consequences. I woke up, went to school came home and put my headphones on. Kept doing this for many weeks. I'm suprised i didnt go deaf.

The 6 december 2015 I woke up with ringing so loud that it scared the living shit out of me. As soon as I heard the ringing, i knew I had destroyed my life. My thoughts began to swirl. I got depressed. What had I done? My life was finally great again, and then this happends? Not did only the ringing bother my, but nothing sounded the same anymore. Traffic, music, TV, washing my dishes. Everything sounded different. I couldn't believe it. I was hoping each day my tinnits would subside. But after a while hope starts to get tiresome.

Here I am. Almost three months later. Life keeps moving. Time continues to fly. I can't go back in time and change the outcome. You need to accept your condition. Believe me, it could be a lot worse. There are people who have lost their entire hearing in the same age as you. I know a man in his early 20s who lost his sight in his both eyes after a firework-incident. Never has he thought about ending it all. He know life isn't fair. Bad things happends to all of us. It is as I've said before, mother nature. You need to accept it and MOVE ON.

And don't you think for a second think I'm not like you and havent thought of taking my own life. Everyone on this forum has. I still have that thought, but when I try, all I can see is my mothers eyes. We all miss silence. I cried each day the first month. And I still do. But don't suffer alone. I don't really have any familiy to talk too. But don't you? Talk to your family, friends, psychologist. Anything that can help your mind get off this. It will get better. Let time do the healing.

And not to mention, you're still very very early into this. I've written this before. Your hearing may get better, and your tinnitus go away. Don't lose your hope even if after accepting this condition. Nothing is permanent, only death is.

Man this post may sound like a bunch of clichés, but you have to see the point. Life will get better, if you choose to make it better. Stop with the talk of killing yourself. Don't. Trust me, give this three years. If you still suffer, do what you want. Atleast give it time first. Do it for your family, everyone who cares for you and you care for. Do it for your future kids.

I wish you best of luck. You're going to need it.

 

What happened to your H? You have myoclonus? are you sure it's not TTS?

 

I thought TTS was sporadic; mine is constant. Though mine does mimic rythmic sounds that I hear. Either way, if my insurance comes through, then Lord-willing, I'm getting the tensor tympani cut and stepedius vaporized(literally) by a neurotologist/surgeon.
I've figured out what it all was. The first stage sounded like really loud, broadband hissing tinnitus with hyperacusis(really nasty) in the left ear(moderate hyperacusis in the right ear). It was actually real sound though, not subjective tinnitus. It was my middle ear mechanism making very tiny(super-fast) convulsions next to the inner ear. As I took bioflavonoids(no hesperidin or rutin) my body increased fluid in the middle ear somewhat and these movements slowly became more broad and mimicked rhythms in certain machines; I also picked up tonal phantom sounds during this time.
Now it is a ultra-fast, broad-range, loud swishing without much variation or phantom sounds. It gets pretty loud if I don't take that bioflavonoid complex with hesperidin and rutin I showed you. If I do take it, something puts hard pressure on my ear and it gets alot quieter just after taking it, though all though the swishing/hissing stays the same speed(strange I know).
The hyperacusis fades away whenever my body does whatever it is enabled to do by taking that complex. Anytime I go a day without taking it, the pressures is gone, and the loudness and H comes back.

 

While I hope that things get better, I have been told that for many things in my life and life just seems to get worse and worse every year. And then when I finally get close to having an OK life, shit happens again. binaural probably doesn't work now with the hearing loss issue. I just don't see point anymore sorry. Like, I could see it with many issues. Seriously, I would take cancer over this. At least with cancer there is a chance it either gets cured or you die. Sorry if that sounds morbid, but not joking.

 

Can I ask you if you have trouble learning new programming languages? Do you have hearing loss as well? How are you able to concentrate and program at the same time? I just dont' know how I will be able to do that in the future. I already had to drop out of my class and not sure how to get back into this.

 

I appriciate you telling your story. No, I really don't have family that is close to me. The family I complained to about this issue initially just told me to get over it and stop thinking about myself. Instead of yelling at me to go to an ENT or emergency room (which is what I needed to be told). Now, I had my life flipped upside down.

I really don't have a reason to be alive to be frank. I have no caring family, no pets, no GF or future wife, and no real future like this.

While, I certainly can't speak for your life (and please tell me if I'm crossing the line), it sounds like you have something to live for. You managed to now live in a country I would only wish to have the chance to live in. You get socialized medicine, a very nice safety net in case you are out of work or anything, and basically taken care of by gov't if shit hits the fan. Also, sounds like you have a reason to live. Sounds like you were close to your parents and now that you live in a great country can possibly live on for them and try to make your life better.

I don't really have that in USA. There is no healthcare guaranteed (no, obamacare isn't that. Also, no I don't live in a state that expanded medicaid). I live in a country where if you can't take care of yourself or don't have family to take care of you, you end up on the street. I'm not joking, you literally end up on the street. That is where i'm headed. Family doesn't care about me and really got no where to go. I was headed in the right direction, but if I am going to have to choose between living a miserable life on the street or death, I'm going with death.

 

So, it sounds to me like it really messed your life up (no offense, and you can correct me if I'm wrong). I'm not sure I can really find hope out of this. If I lose my job, I got no where to go but the street. It sounds to me like family is helping you out during this time. I don't have that help waiting for me. Also, Gov't isn't going to help me either. Basically it's live on the streets for me or die.

 

I've struggled with ADD for as long as I've known how to breathe, so this isn't much different.

The languages I use on a regular basis are all things I've picked up since starting my current job four years ago, which was after I developed the tinnitus I have now. So, I've learned it all since then just fine.

Would I have an easier time learning things if I didn't have tinnitus? Almost certainly, but, it is what it is. This condition is bullsh*t, and I basically refuse to let it control my life past a certain point.

 

Anxiety, not tinnitus, messed my life up, until I got some medication and learned from others that it was possible to live with this condition and change the way I look at it.
You can get meds and change the way you look at it. I'll copy what I just posted to someone else:

This is something I don't think you are really trying to progress in. I think you're simply running in circles telling yourself the same prophecy of doom. Meds can calm you down to start this process.

PS: you're not sure what hope you can find in what I posted? You haven't been able to find a shred of hope in 100 replies; most of them beaming with hope. If you can't find hope in them, hopefully you'll see that tinnitus and hearing loss are not the source of your poblems; the way you think/feel/experience reality is. I think there is very little chance that before your hearing loss you were someone with perfect mental health. Even in the unlikely chance that you were, you aren't now. Your problem is not tinntus or hearing loss or digestive disorders. You are not well in the mind. That is why you cannot work or go to school or listen effectively to ANY of us. I hope before you kill yourself you will head to an emergency center for psychological treatment(you don't need money to go to one).

 

Concerning neuron genesis, neuroplasticity, and other related things I would just reference this discussion:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/balance-board-therapy.13481/
There seems to be a ton of stuff out there that says that unlike the rest of our body, the mind can radically repair damage by creating new pathways.
As Cheza points out it all seems to be related to healthy patterns of thought, dietary intake, sleep(so important) and activity. It's like the mind realizes that it is time to be alive, and it gets to work recalibrating.

 

I am 36 now. Here is what my audiogram looked like in 2002 when I was 22 and in college:



The X's indicate my Left ear and the O's indicate my Right ear. I made it through college without hearing aids or any accommodations for my hearing loss. I minored in computer science, so I had taken many programming classes. My first professional job after graduation was as a programmer. I eventually went back to school and received my masters degree and am now a global IT manager at a fortune 50 company.

When my hearing suddenly got worse (worse from above) and with the onset of tinnitus, I was 33 years old with a toddler and a second new born on the way. Like you, I thought my life was over. I was too young for this. How was I going to support my family? We will have to sell our house. I will lose my job. I can't concentrate or focus at work. How will I ever hear my daughter talk to me? I can't take care of a newborn with the crying! I had all the same negative thoughts you did in the beginning. I quickly made a choice that I wasn't going to let it control my life. Everything turned out fine because that was the choice I made.

You have to STOP all the negative talk. If you say you can't, then you won't. Period.

How about me as an example? It doesn't matter if you are 20, 40, or 60. Tinnitus and hearing loss never come at the right time. Nobody ever wants it and it's just as hard for someone in their 40's as it is for you!

What I mean is you need to find a way to address all the catastrophic thinking and cognitive distortions. You should pick up this book and practice the exercises in it:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0205315372/

-Mike

 

Very interesting. Of course you probably know that one can acquire hyperacusis from that surgery tho right? Also there was a guy on H network who had the surgery and the thumping/fluttering continued. .He doesn't know how..Neither do I. Anyways just making sure you're well informed as I imagine you are however.

 

I didn't know about the H part, but I would sort of assume that any tinkering via surgery in the ear can cause inflammation and H. Other issues are severing the facial nerve or slipping with the laser and destroying my inner ear on accident or something. If any of those things happend to me I would simply consider it providence, cause this is the right move.
My neurotologist told me the surgery has about a 65% success rate. Because in those cases wherein the surgery doesn't work, the cause is not the tensor or stepedius, it is the muscle that is involved with palatal myoclonus(even if you don't have palatal myoclonus). He said something else about a possible brain stem issue with some of the cases of myoclonus and asked me if I had an MRI yet, but I didn't track so well in the conversation. I should have listened more carefully and asked more questions, but I was really anticipating if he would agree to do the surgery(which he did), so I wasn't concerned with much else. Oh you know why he is going to incinerate the stepedius? Cause if you only cut it, it can fuse itself back together(same thing that happens with vasectomies).

 

@jdjd09
Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Just read his post.^^^^^^^^

 

@Michael2013 , Thanks for your response with all this. Can I ask if you had tinnitus when you were 22 or while in college at all? How were you able to get through college with your hearing loss and no hearing aids? Also, did that amazon book help you, I found a PDF of it but not sure it will help me? If it did help you, what improvements did you see?

I guess for me, my main issue is it really feels like life is over. I could deal with this if it was later in life after I established a family and had some work experience. I'm sure it would suck later on too, but earlier on seems very much worse.

I am unclear how to continue with CS now with this noise and hearing loss. Its both that bother me honestly, although who knows. Maybe without the T, the hearing loss would probably bother me less.

Just semi at a loss still. I keep talking on here looking for hope, but also don't think I'll make it to the end of the year.

Mike, can I ask you why you are still on the boards if it doesn't effect you anymore? Are you just trying to help people on here. I don't mean offense by the question btw. I'm just curious, if it's not bothering you, why still be on here?

 

It's pretty much all been said on here. If you give yourself time you can get through this. I just turned 21 a few days ago, going on 8 months of T right now, so I know how you feel about this at a young age. Even though I had anxiety and depression through the roof, unable to sleep for many many nights, I never missed a single day of work during the summer. I'm back to university now and although I struggled at the beginning, it's become a lot easier to focus and study. I don't have hearing loss problems, but there are ways to help with that (hearing aids, permission to record lectures etc). Also, make sure to always have white noise or some other type of noise in the background at home. It took several months for me to feel better, and I admit some days I still feel the same as you, hopeless about the future, but you just have to keep moving forward and things will gradually get better.
Force yourself to do productive things, even if they are small. It's extremely hard at first, but will help to free your mind for while.

Best/

 

It is tough no matter when you get it. I am struggling just like you although I'm a lot older with sudden hearing loss, T and H from acoustic trauma. I was super active and athletic before I got T.

I think personality type can play a big part in reaction and ability to habituate.. At least I think it does for me. I know quite a few people with T now I've been asking around. These people happen to be some of the smartest people I know. They all seem to have had it for years and have never been anxious about it. One of them is a programmer who has had it for 30 years and hearing loss and has just done a Masters degree in IT subjects and got straight High Distinctions. So its not affected his cognitive ability at all. It has affected mine. That is because I'm an anxious mess am stressed to the max by the hearing loss, T and H and have insomnia. The anxiety has immobilised me to the point of disability. I've started medication to hopefully help dig myself out of this hole. From reading your posts it sounds like anxiety is an issue for you as well. How is your sleep?

 

I frankly don't know. I'm potentially going to loss my job soon over this because of all the mistakes I'm making. I wasn't making mistakes previous to this. I really see no hope in this. I feel like what is going to happen is I will loss my job and basically have to live on the streets now because of this. Already had to drop my class as well.

My life literally went from getting As in CS classes, working full time in finance fully successful to now dropping a class I would have enjoyed and looked forward to and also looking forward to losing my job.

If it was just tinnitus, I would move on. I had tinnitus before this and I could ignore it. In fact I forgot I had it. But, with the hearing loss, it got louder. The combination of the two is ruining me. Eventually I'm just going to be someone who probably dies off of old age with zero accomplishments over this. I was headed in a great direction in life after overcoming other issues. But, I guess this is what life has in store for me.

 

Can I ask at what age your friend got tinnitus and at what age he got hearing loss (the IT one)? What about some of your other friends?

I think age plays a big role in this. Your expected to have health issues later on in life. You are also, though, expected to have had work experience without this issue by that point and also probably have a family by that point for support. I feel like getting both these in your 20s is a death sentence (or just a sentence where you have to now work menial jobs, which doesn't work well in USA).

 

Totally. You are the exception to everything. No one has it as bad as you.
Even though you have no hyperacusis or phantom sounds, or ear pain(that you have reported) and you still have a good ear; Yours is the worst. But of course once we find someone who has a carbon copy of your situation you will just find some reason why you are not able to habituate like they did.
Do you realize how much worse this would be if you had kids and a wife? Can you imagine having this happen when you are at the top of your game and losing your established carrer and losing all your clients, and having your whole family thrown out on the street? What about falling from those heights. Oh, but that wouldn't happen because they aren't you.
You get to habituate to this before you have to deal with those pressures.
@Michael2013 Had more on the line to lose and had more to fear.
@linearb learned his programming stuff after his loud tinnitus started.
But there is no example you will accept.

There really is alot arrogance in how you approach the alleged uniquness of your situation. I also really haven't been forward enough with you in how much I detest your worship of success, and your dehumanizing philisophy of what should happen to anyone who has something as bad as your condition or worse. If you were consistent in your analysis of what makes a life worth living you, how much of the population should kill themselves? This is a truly disgusting, wretched view.