Fed Up... Anybody Else Thinking About Ending It All?

@NiNyu I DO understand and have debilitating T, in addition, I also have debilitating H. Mine is the same way. I can sometimes hear it getting softer when I lie in bed, but if I move or inhale/exhale quickly or there is any noise other than my sound generator, it goes through the roof. Anything that was supposed to make it better made it worse. It IS pure torture 24/7. I have had to give up driving, working, socializing, you name it. I am just saying that you can't give up looking for something that will help you. It may be something totally unexpected, and there is not a quick fix for this terrible affliction. I know platitudes do not help when you are being tortured by T, but I do understand.

 

@svintegrity seems like we do have the same T. Just brushing over the right side of my face, or scratching my head makes my T spike, so I have an extreme H as well.

Did you try the Knock Test? https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/knock-test-droning-in-inner-ear.8462/

 

@NiNyu I have not tried the knock test. Will check it out. How about you?

 

@NiNyu Have you looked up somatosensory tinnitus?

 

Using the T-sound as a point of focus is an approach I hadn't considered, and I notice the person behind the method also add some selfhypnosis at the end. Since my T-sound more often than not is a pulsating buzz, it may be possible for me to use.

It's not like anyone will be T-free or happily habituated becase they sit down and try to meditate for a while, but lets put this horror in an analyse just because we got nothing better to do.

The cause of T is nerv injury in the ear which triggers an automatic respons in the auditory cortex, namely going bug fuck and making our lives hell. Nerve cells doesn't grow back, so forget about the bodys natural healing processes. The medical science can't do it either, and even if they could, the precision required to regrow a specifik zone of blasted inner ear hair cells borders to science fiction. My assumption is that only people as good as deaf would be able to benefit, and that only partial recovery would be possible.

That leaves us with trying to affect the reaction in the auditory cortex. Medical drugs is one option, but the result is, if we are to judge from discussions here on Tinnitus Talk, highly individual, unstable and not enough. Brain surgery seems more realistic, but is too dangerous to develop. Unless some third world dictator is at it in a secret test facility, we can probably forget about that to. I don't rule out a scientific breakthrough when it comes to an anti-T-drug or an anti-T-surgery, I just won't hold my breath.

The last resort when it comes to trying to affect brain activity, is then meditation practice, hypnosis, and related techniques. Since we talk about fighting back an automatic reaction, this seems as realistic as stabing yourself in the leg with a knife, and trying to make the pain go away by concentration. Or to reprogram your seeing, so the color blue appears to be, say, indigo. (I'd make more girls readheaded.)

Anyone can tell it's as good as impossible.

Now, count for yourself how many times in history mankind has done things that is as good as impossible, and it will seem almost mundane.

I'm not saying it can be done, absolutely not. But if it is to be tried, the first step isn't merely to start meditating - it's to make the meditation strong, crazy strong. From that point, you could move on to hypnosis perhaps in combination with sound input aiming to break up the ongoing pathalogical neurological activity.

When I'm done with some other longlasting projects, I hope to have time enough to give it a try.

 

Checked it. Nope, I don't have a somato related T.

 

Yup, I'm with you -- though I would caution against going too hard on the meditative side. I think that really intense meditative practices have about the same potential to fuck you up, as taking LSD or something. I've read that it's not uncommon for kundalini practicioners to end up in psych wards in India (where the practice is more common).

I've also read that some kundalini yogis can literally reverse the direction of the bowel flow.

I had a good day today! I was in a really black mood yesterday -- today I was highly socially engaged for most of the day and only thought of my T a few times. Interestingly, when I did mention it at one point, I found out that one of my friends is 75% deaf on one side, and has had tinnitus for many years... I had no idea, and he never seems stressed or bothered, he's one of the most level people I know.

 

I wouldn't mind. If you can invoke very strong experiences with the use of meditation practice, it might be able to cancel the T out at least momentarily. But I've been meditating a lot during my life, and having an effect comparable to drugs have only happened to me a handful of times, and it wasn't particulary dramatic, which can be the case with LSD. So I'm not very concerned about the risks.

I'm a bit sceptical about this, to be honest. I don't think the problem will be overexaggerated effects, but rather to get any effects at all.

Good to hear. My day was one of the better as well. It's inspiring with people who seems able to get on with their lives regardless of having an alarm clock going off in their head. I do my best to get by, but I can't see myself ever beeing fine with this condition.

 

It's hard for me to see, too - on the other hand, the list of things I'm fine with now that I wouldn't have believed when I was 20, is not inconsiderable, and seems to grow daily.

I realized the other day -- and this is probably worth making into its own thread at some point -- that I actually have several different "kinds" of tinnitus. There are noises that are obviously connected to muscle tension / muscle position, there are noises that seem to reflect excess adrenaline, there are noises that are clearly connected to the pulmonary system, and there's left-side-focused noises in the ~14khz range where I have some asymmetrical hearing deficits.

What I realized this week, is that about 2 years ago, all these noises drove me up the wall and made me fearful, but at this point it's really only the damage-related 14khz stuff that I find bothering me, and I've more or less incorporated the other noises into the "usual background sound" bucket. I think the high pitched stuff is more challenging to be okay with, because experientially the sounds in that range are irritating, and psychologically I know it's the result of damage which has existential implications... but two years ago I never would have guessed I'd be largely okay with the rest of it, so who knows.

When I was meditating the other day, as it often does, the pulmonary sound rose to a higher level, and I actually found myself having a fleeting thought that those sounds were "grounding and relaxing", and make me feel heart-centered.

 

This seems to confirm the theory that the auditory cortex turns up the volume when nerv cells in the inner ear are destroyed. What we hear, and what we call tinnitus, is simply the noises of our own bodies.

The high pitched noise is the worst. I have both a stable high pitch, which is how my T started out, and a pulmonary sound which can be both tonal and buzzing, often both at the same time. I truly feel for those here on Tinnitus Talk who only have a never ending high pitch that can be heard above trains and airplanes. It's nothing short of torture.

I recognize this. The pulmonary sound becomes more dominating during meditation, which is a good thing, because it's rhythmic and therefor more natural than the static high pitch. I can't say I've ever felt that the T-sound has felt relaxing during meditation, but yet my perception of it do change. In the line of "Hey, I can do this", or "This sound universe actually isn't all that bad", or "Maybe I should spend more time meditating, because while I do I almost feel okay despite my T". These experiences is why I suspect meditation practice can play a key part in dealing with T. But how much that can be accomplished and how to do it is an unknown field.

 

You nailed it! That's why ha-bitch-uation is a bad joke. 'The knife isn't there. The pain I senes are just neurons in my head going apesh*t, they can't hurt me. The blood that's running down my leg is just bodily liquid and I have plenty of it. Moreover it can heal eventually.'
(More redheaded girls, I like that! xD)

@Vincent , I agree to some extent, nerves do not regrow or once they have been severed won't grow back together in mammals. However, studies with mice showed that blocking a specific enzyme let nerves grow back together. Now the question is, why don't they apply this to cure paraplegics? The simple answer with a counterquestion, as a scientific corporation why would you want to cure tens of thousands of patients; eh, customers? Once they have been cured they cease to be customers. So instead of finding a cure to a non contagious, non lift-threatening ailment better brew something that you can sell for a lifetime >>> meds.

I am all game for the brain surgery. Although, it's high risk and hearing with just one ear sucks big time I'd do it. I've been completely deaf on my left ear for ~10 days! It's impossible to locate the origin of sounds; with one ear. So you'd have to rely a lot on your eyes (and smell ).

 

Er, you might want to re-read the post you quoted, because I think vincent was actually suggesting that there ARE ways to deal with it... Look at the paragraphs after the one you quoted here things are impossible until someone does them, after that they are just interesting, and then eventually mundane.

As for red heads, I agree, I married one

 

I look forward to the mundane. My whole family are redheads. I married a blonde.

 

I'd ask if you're my wife but I'm pretty sure she doesn't have tinnitus

 

If you are a blonde, I am pretty sure you are not my husband, because he doesn't have tinnitus either. Although he has suffered every step of the way with me!

 

But people are doing it, dear. Even if it's merely a decision to put up with the T-agony and carry on with whatever their lives are about, it's a notable win if it holds a meaning to them.

I think the possibilites of habituation, or "ha-bitch-uation" if you like, coping or whatever you want to call it depends on personal motivation. If the most important to you is having a wonderful family to care for, T sure as hell can bring you hell on earth, but it won't stop you from doing what matters most. But if your main objectives are personal freedom and independence, T will function as a prison that's impossible to get out of. You will be deprived of the actual meaning of your life.

When you write that there's no point in continue to exist in this patheticly weakened state, and you'd be better of dead, this is the literal truth. Death will shatter the limitations T forced upon you, and you can rebound into a new reincarnation.

You've survived with T for more than two months and could most likely continue to do so for years. But in order to ha-bitch- ... er ... habituate, you'll probably need a new core motivation. I don't know if you could find one, because we can't change our inner nature just like that.

My own motivation steams from a metaphysical outlook on existence, that most people probably would write off as utter bullshit. (They've no reason not to, admittedly.) But I don't expect to harvest the assumed benefits during this lifetime.

Many girls out there could crush a mans heart, but only a readhead will take his soul.

Financial reasons within the industry may be the explanation. There would be no lack of disabled people lining up for playing the role of guinea pigs, if given the opportunity.

I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person. Either I keep all of my brain inside my head, or they can take it completly off. Thank you very much.

 

See.

 

Okay, NOW you fully have my attention. I am very curious what you mean by this. Feel free to PM me if you'd rather discuss out of the thread

 

On subject here, too - my very ill sister recently told me (with a laugh) that she did the math to know that she has enough drugs on hand to off herself, and derives some satisfaction from knowing that even though she'd never do it. I quoted Nietzche, "the thought of suicide has gotten me through many a sleepless night". I fully agree. I'm not suicidal, neither was Nietzche, and that's rather the point...

 

Wow. Some really strong worded posts on here.

I'm over 7 months into having T now and life is pretty much 95% back to normal. Habituation is a very real process as I have recently found out for myself. I too went through the horrendous first few months when it was all very new to me and suicide was a possibility I thought about daily. The only way to escape the noise in my head, or so I thought.

As I type this I am in a silent room and my tinnitus is screaming away as always. I'm not sure what exactly happened but I truly did stop caring. This is something I thought would never be possible for me for first 4-5 months that I have suffered from this. I'm glad I never went through with anything drastic in my darkest hours, so if I can hold on and make it, you can too.

 

It's bizarre, isn't it? I seem to flip flop "in and out" of habituation, which is weird. Last week I had a tearful day and could think of nothing else... tonight I played a competitive card game in a quiet room for three hours straight and barely thought about it.

The mind is powerful!

 

Yes. It truly is. I think the body can only stay in a heightened state of alarm for so long. I remember how dreadful the first few months were, little sleep, constant anxiety, morbid thoughts....not good. That's a place I don't want to go back to.

For the first time in months I've been feeling optimistic for the future again. I expect to have small setbacks along the way of course, however the tinnitus has lost it's terror hold over me.. As long as it doesn't get any worse, I think i'll be okay. Time really does seem to be the best healer for this.

 

I didn't mean to sound cryptic. Since this thread is about life-and-death issues I guess there's no harm in me harping on about it.

If we assume that death isn't the final end, that means there are other existences ahead of us. That also means we will end up in all kinds of trouble along the road. Occasionally things will be horrible, and seem hopeless. This is how it feels for some people who write here on TT. So you can just as well make a habit of always trying every imaginable possibility to get out of the fix. This includes, in theory at least, to put up with longlasting torment while you chase solutions as realistic as catching a ghost. If you catch that ghost one time of hundred, the triumph will make you feel like standing on the top of the world. In short, it's about having a strategy to maximize the amout of triumphs along the way.

But sometimes, you will simply be screwed, and screwed in these cases means screwed. So get prepared for misery, despair and bitter suffering, because many times that's excactly how you will end up. That's part of the deal, and the price you pay. This is why I don't totally disagree with @NiNyu :s pessimistic rants. I sincerely think she has a valid point.

With T, either you habituate, you don't habituate or you partly habituate. If you don't habituate, and your T is severe, you will suffer for years and that's really all there is to it. For the time beeing, I will start to have a look at how the T-equation can be dealt with, using the tools available to me. I'm in no rush, because I probably won't make it. I do it just to cultivate my stubborness.

On a sidnote, what I write above is one of the reasons I appreciate TT-members like @attheedgeofscience - he plays the scientific angle to the bone. Not only trying new treatments but also understanding them inside out. Maybe it would bring more joy to accept the bad things and focus on the good ones. But chosing not to accept can have its points too.

 

@Vincent R I appreciate TT-members like @Mark McDill for the same reason. And I appreciate his willingness to help and his humility as well.

 

Thanx @svintegrity ; that's very encouraging (made my day!)

 

An odd thing happened. Yesterday I forget to take my daily dose of cipralex and when I laid down to sleep my T was quieter than it's been in a long time. It was still there, it was just more shallow sounding and easier to ignore. Most of the time, my T is comfortably baseline with the occasional spike but always it gets louder when I lay down for sleep. Anyway, I'm gonna skip today's cipralex dose and see if my T is as quiet as it was last night.

 

@Vincent R , first off I really like what you have written here.

Of course people do it. They have to do it. We all have to do it, putting up with T 24/7 'cause we do NOT have any choice! Suicide is freaking hard. But I will get there; soon.

Precisely, T is a prison for me, and the worst possible prison I can conceive. My meaning of life, the most precious for me, is totally obliterated. Smashed to thousand pieces.
My head hurts 24/7, I can barely concentrate (it cost me a lot of effort to do so), the noise is so annoying, so extremely loud and reactive. Each day and night is hell. Consciousness equals purgatory.
Honestly, we wouldn't be having this conversation now, if I have had the right meds/poison. All I'm longing for is a moment of serenity. A moment were I can sort my thoughts, a moment of peace, a moment of solace, a moment of freedom. And all I get is this mind fuc* w/o a fuc*ing break.

Yes, I agree. For me it seems shattering T to pieces is the only way out, even if that means ending my very existence.

I survived this nightmare now for over two months with little hope that it might solve itself somehow. But it does not; (so far?). If I imagine vegetating like this for years.. gosh, please.. not. Everything but this.. I feel so braindead, my head hurts, it hurts so much.

Exactly, I cannot change my inner nature. I cannot pretend everything is okay when it is not. All my motivations need a moment of quiet. Being deprived of the one thing you loved the most is.. it doesn't make any sense anymore!
I suppose I should be looking for some suicidal boards. I might find there the answer to my problem.
I did all the research about T I possible could. And there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing but nothingness.

Funny, once upon a time a redhead did take my soul. Though, I got it back eventually only to lose it to fuc*ing T.

Then off with your head. Ending is better than mending, right?

 

Does she like to share?

 

She's pretty deadset against giving me any pills, but then again I'm the one with the demonstrated track record of dependence on benzo medications, so...

 

i'm suicidal but after having a discussion about it with a person here i decided it's not good to talk about suicide in these threads.
ninyu, your posts make other people consider this final exit so what if you took it away here?? there are suicide sites and chat groups out there you can join