Hi to You All. My Story.

Hi everyone,

Yu can call me Angelg and I have been suffering from severe tinnitus for six years. I’m currently 33 years old.

For all this time I have avoided reading about this condition, as looking for medical stuff in internet usually makes me more anxious and makes me panic a bit. However, I have been encouraged by my brother to talk about it with other people who, like me, must face this challenge day after day. He says it may make me feel better.

Is gonna be hard to tell my story as it is something I do not like to remember, it makes me feel guilty and stupid, and the fact my life could have been totally different if I hadn’t made these mistakes tortures me day after day. I apologize in advance if I sound self-indulgent, it’s not my intention, I will try to be as objective as I can.

It all started when I was 15 years old. It was a random summer night, in a nice beach in the west coast of Spain (Europe). I was hanging out with a few friends, and one of them had brought some firecrackers with him. He lighted one of those and tried to throw it away so that we could see the light effect form a safe distance. However, the firecracker bounce with the corner of a wall and landed just at my side, and exploded in a total mercilessly way. I will never forget that day, that moment.

I was totally deaf for 30 minutes, only hearing a light wistle. I gradually began to recover my hearing, but the tinnitus never went away. It was a very light tinnitus though, it was never a problem for me, I got used to it without much difficulties. However, life hadn’t given me his best shot and all of this changed after 12 years.

When I was 27 years old, suddenly and without warning, the tinnitus worsened…a lot, as if someone had decided to turn up the volume of it without asking me. You may think it’s not my fault, but it is.

The truth is I loved (and still like it) music, I have always love it. I have been playing piano since I was child, I used to hear a lot of music with headphones and partied hard in clubs where the music was very high through all of my youth. This kind of habits may not have consequences for someone with healthy not damaged hearing, but in my case, that firecracker had already put some pressure in my ears. I should have been more careful, I should have changed my attitude since that day, I should have thought more about my habits. The fact I was young and unexperienced is not an excuse. I got what I deserved.

No need to tell how difficult it was to accept it, one second you are one person with a beautiful live and the next moment, all of that is taken away from you. No warning, no mercy, no second opportunities.

For the last six years I have become a totally different person and my life has changed subsequently:

- I feel constantly exhausted, it seems this daily challenge drains all of my energies, as the wistle never stops, never at all, it’s a like a battle arena which I can never quit. I work, play games and sleep (I do not sleep very well either), that’s all I do. No energies left for social life, new learnings or adventures.


- I’m also constantly sad (not depressed). A loud wistle in your ears second after second is a bit too much. Any of the apparently good things that had happened in my life in these six years have been able to make me forget this. The tinnitus is like a long thick curtain that covers everything. All the helpful hands or good things that try to make through it are quickly drown by its weight.


- My view of life and philosophy has changed. I’m far more negative. I have decided not to have children, as I do not see life as a gift but rather as a battle. I do not want a mini Angelg to have to suffer in a similar intensity as I do. I do not last long with any girl neither, sooner or later, when a major effort is required to make the relationship progress I feel exhausted, I just can give more, I can’t.


- I have some suicidal thoughts. I’m not gonna do it, don’t worry, but thinking about it makes me feel better, makes me feel like I have the control over my life again. The fact there is an end to this, is one of the few comforting thoughts. The first year of my tinnitus I used to take a small scalpel with me everywhere, it made me feel like I could ended it whenever I wanted, like I had the control again and was the lord of my own life, like in the past.


- I have lost the capacity to be happy. If happiness could be measured from 1 to 10, I could fairly say I have had a lot of 10/10 happiness moments before I was 27 years old. After that, not a single one, I don’t think it has even surpassed a 6/10.


- I have become more introvert, a loner. I guess it’s a mixture of exhaustion, negavity and that I have come to terms with the fact that anything will make it disappear, so why bothering making other stuff, already try it. I don’t much stuff in my life because I know anything will bring my true, past self back.

People tend to say a cure is near, but I don’t think so. They have been saying the same for other conditions like AIDS, medular injuries, sclerosis, Alzheimer, etc but the truth is people are not able to walk or eradicate this currently. Maybe in a few centuries, but definitely not now.

I wish I could write a letter to my “my dear fifteen years old me” and tell him to be cautious with his hearing, to protect like a small, helpless puppy, but like I said before not second chances are given in this limbo we call life.

 

@Angelg ,
Welcome to the forum. Please don't feel guilty about a mistake you made when you were 15 years old. We all do very stupid things when we are young. It's a wonder that we even make it to adulthood at all!
What is your history with doctors, audiologists? How much hearing loss do you have?

 

Hey buddy. I want to point out the relationship part of your story. If you find someone who cares about you and likes you for you, it's worth it. I know it sound cliche but don't let tinnitus control your life any more than it already has. The cure may be found in our lifetime, there is minimal hope, however until then we just need to ride it out and try to have as much of a life as we can. I hope this helps, even if only a little.

Matt

 

Welcome to the forum. Don't rule out that something out there can help you. Members here have success stories coming from various strategies and treatments. Some find help with new drugs or treatment such as Trobalt, Keppra etc., and some find help with treatments such as stem cells or taking some supplements or doing diet change. Try to read the success stories and the treatment and alternate treatments section. You may find someone with similar struggle getting help with something. So enjoy browsing the site. Good luck. God bless.

 

@Angelg I agree with Matt. As this forum teaches you, there are many other people out there suffering from the same thing or fighting their own battle. Be open to the idea that someone out there may understand or at least accept your struggle.

I also agree that we all do stupid things as kids and teens. I also loved dance clubs in my early 20's and maybe that is part of the cause of my tinnitus, I'm not sure. But even if someone had told me to protect my hearing, I probably would have just laughed it off anyway.

I'm very sorry that you've lost your happiness along the way. I hope this forum helps you to feel less alone in your journey and that you form friendships to help you to feel like less of a loner. I agree with your brother, talking about it will quite possibly help. This is an international forum and everyone has a different story to learn from.

I wish you the very best of luck. Please don't give up hope!

 

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and answer to cheer me up (Liam). It felt good to hear it's not my fault (Lorac, Devon)

Billie, I do not have hearing loss, at least yet, but that freaks me out even more, as the only thing that I would still hear in that case would be the tinnitus. I have tried a few trteatments, mainly Zamene, Idaptan and another one which I don't remember the name. These are European drugs it seems, it may not sound familiar to most of you.

Matt and Devon, you are right about the relationship, I try not to close that door, but I still have this feeling that I will not be able to give her all the support she needs in the long term. In today's world someone who loves you and is ready to give you everything without expecting too much sounds like a miracle to me.

Thank you all.