How Does Your Life Partner React to Your Tinnitus?

Discussion in 'Support' started by katriina, Feb 3, 2014.

tinnitus forum
    1. katriina
      Frustrated

      katriina Member

      Location:
      finland
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2013
      Do you both sleep with white noise on? Does she/he understands and supports you with your T and how this shows? How does your T show in your everyday life? I'm interested to hear how T affects to your normal lifes o_O
       
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    2. Penelope33
      Torn

      Penelope33 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      October 2013
      It's been a battle tbh. My husband can't really understand.... How can anyone unless they have it? He is tired now of hearing me moan on. I am tired of moaning on. In the night I cry/ make noises of comfort/ whine.....ask for help. But how can anyone understand? I live my life right now still struggling through, trying to understand it myself. Trying to make a life around the noise and without the silence I used to love.
       
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    3. LadyDi
      Busy

      LadyDi Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Barotrauma/airplane
      Interesting... The woman who is my audiologist is doing research now on the topic of how partners support their mates with tinnitus, and how each perceive how the patient is dealing with T. My husband and I are part of her study. She is talking about it at the TRI conference in New Zealand next month. She told me that while this has been explored before regarding hard of hearing patients and their mates, no one has looked at it in regards to T.

      Anyway, my husband could not be more supportive. Guess I am lucky. While the anxiety and panic I initially experienced frightened him, he was ok once we went to my therapist together and she helped him understand what was happening. Having support from you mate and family makes all the difference. While no one can understand tinnitus without experiencing it, they can be empathetic.

      Also regarding white noise.... Got a sound pillow. So hubby can't really hear it I while can.
       
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    4. Sameer advani
      Buzzed

      Sameer advani Member

      Location:
      New delhi
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2011
      My tinnitus has become so loud that sound pillows don't help any longer ...I am still single and may b can never marry after tinnitus ...can't increase the stress in my life ....even I have been moaning and groaning for the last 26 months and have become one avoidable guy in my social circle ... Had a very rocking party life before tinnitus happened and continued the same till about a month ago but now it seems impossible to do the same ....even ear plugs r not being effective in preventing increasing hearing loss. Wonder how I am going to live the rest of my life ....
       
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    5. My T Sucks

      My T Sucks Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Unbearable spikes since July 2012
      I suffer in silence (figuritively speaking) My wife is not very supportive. She thinks I should sue the MD that perscribed the benzos to me.
       
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    6. gary
      Transparent

      gary Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Macomb, MI. USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Who Knows
      My wife is so supportive, I really can't even begin to put it into words, other than to say she would do anything within her power for me.
       
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    7. James White
      Anime

      James White Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Toulouse, France
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Maybe loud music. Not sure.
      My ex girlfriend told me "why do you even bother ? what difference does it make having tinnitus?" i had zero support from her. She was very nice in other aspects but being with someone who is not supportive when you have health problems, i don't see the point.
       
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    8. LadyDi
      Busy

      LadyDi Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Barotrauma/airplane
      Agreed. I am sorry you had this experience, James. But this does not sound like someone deserving of your love. There is someone out there who will be there for you. Don't settle for less.
       
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    9. I who love music
      Cheerful

      I who love music Member

      Location:
      Michigan
      Tinnitus Since:
      mid seventies
      There's a threshold of volume for me and my kind wife knows where it is.
       
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    10. George Brady
      Crappy

      George Brady Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      1985
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      bad meds
      Ladydi is I have pillow speakers and she can't hear a thing
       
    11. George Brady
      Crappy

      George Brady Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      1985
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      bad meds
      I tried to say ladydi is right.
       
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    12. Karen
      Talkative

      Karen Manager Staff Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador

      Location:
      U.S.
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      First time: Noise 2nd Time: Ototoxic drug
      My husband is extremely supportive of my tinnitus and pulsatile tinnitus, and has been since the beginning. He has tinnitus, too, so he definitely understands some of what I've been going through. He even bought me a sound machine a couple years ago, so I could listen to pleasant sounds at night. Now, I don't need to use the sound therapy any more, so that makes things a lot easier. I feel so lucky to have a supportive husband and family; it really does make all the difference!!
       
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    13. Relic Hunter
      Cynical

      Relic Hunter Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/1990
      My wife is very supportive of me and my tinnitus. She is by nature that type of person. She sees me on a daily basis and knows the effect tinnitus has on me. However I feel that the rest of my family and friends believe I am over reacting to a minor problem. None of them have tinnitus so I would expect as much.
       
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    14. LadyDi
      Busy

      LadyDi Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Barotrauma/airplane
      I gave hugs to all you out there with kind, supportive spouses/partners. Aren't we fortunate? Now... Go give those hugs to your mates tonight/tomorrow (we re on many different time zones here) and tell them why. :huganimation:

      Those of you who have spouses or family who are not sympathetic; it might help to have a joint visit to a therapist, audiologist, someone who can give them a better perspective.
       
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    15. EdnaLegume
      Cheeky

      EdnaLegume Member

      Location:
      Maryland
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/1999
      my husband is sympathetic, but doesn't understand really. He prefers to take the "tough it out " approach to illnesses and the like so me moaning about a noise in my ear wouldn't go over well. That's why I come here.
       
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    16. Duane

      Duane Member

      Location:
      U.S.
      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2006
      For almost eight years, my T was not really an issue. My new T however is another story and I get the impression that my wife thinks there's a stranger in the house and the stranger is demanding more attention and disrupting the house rules. I'd kick it to the curb for good to return my home to a more peaceful place than what it has been the last month. Who's going to win, the stranger or me?
       
    17. Catarina
      Old hag

      Catarina Member

      Location:
      Lund, Sweden
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2006
      My husband gets that it's difficult for me, but since he has always worked in a noisy environment, at home he wants quiet. I can't stand quiet and want the radio, music or other sounds around me. I turn the TV sound up and he turns it down. Sometimes I turn on the fan in the oven while I'm in the kitchen and he comes in and turns it off and I have to shout at him. :) I have my own bedroom so I can sleep with my sound on at night. Basically we live parallel lives in the same house. But that's OK, we have been married a long time now. I will be trying out a hearing aid with masking sounds this week, he is looking forward to that hoping that I will stop turning on so much noise in the house.
       
    18. RedThinker
      Joyful

      RedThinker Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/07/2009
      My girlfriend is not really affected in anyway. If my T is really bad at night, we watch a TV-show to get my mind of it and she likes to watch TV to so that's amazing. In my everyday life the only way T is effecting me is by the means that I have to take more care of my ears, in terms of high sounds in the kitchen and stuff which can make my T peak. Not really anything else :)
       
    19. demi
      No Mood

      demi Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2012
      My boyfriend is very supportive. He has tried to do all he can to make sure he isn't slamming things in the house to not bother my H, and we sleep with a box fan on high on at night with the television on as well. The only time he was not supportive was with my most recent T increase after going to a concert, he told me not to go - but I went anyways and so he had no remorse for this horrible increase. He was upset with me because T had no longer been bothering me at all, and then I made it at least 50x worse, and now also have H, which I didn't have before.
       
    20. Aaron
      Fine

      Aaron Member

      Location:
      China
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/22/2012
      My fiancee broke up with me after 5 year's love because of T and T related depression, extreme case maybe:). And I know the only reason is that she got to know T is incurable in 10-15 years maybe, she gave the Tiffany back to me anyway. All our classmates in University thought it is unbelievable when they heard that. My ex fiancee was a very nice girl before my T. Maybe she is just shocked, when I first told her that I want to suicide, in one very loud night about 4 o'clock when I was about to be a mad man. And then we were done, and she is my first love, sigh. At that time, I could not describe how bad it was, I was like a ghost in my company, and all my colleagues asked me what's up Aaron, you need to have a rest asap....
       
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    21. LadyDi
      Busy

      LadyDi Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Barotrauma/airplane
      Hi Aaron: Like I said to James White, it must be very discouraging to be both dealing with tinnitus and then have someone you love not support you. Especially when it was your first love. I am so sorry.

      On the other hand: Perhaps, in the long run, it is better to know that you were involved with someone who wasn't up to dealing with a serious medical issue. Some people just simply can't do it, and I am not judging them. But you have to ask if that is someone you would want to have a serious relationship with. Many couples, at least those marrying in the U.S., include the words "in sickness and in health" in their wedding vows. To me, that means: I will be there for you, no matter how bad it gets.

      To you and the other guys on this and other threads who have expressed worries about their chances for love and marriage: Hang in there. You are NOT your tinnitus and your T does not run your life. You will find someone who will love you for yourself. If anything, I would argue tinnitus would make someone an even better romantic candidate! Our disorder can teach us humility, compassion for others who are suffering, and determination. Not to mention that since clubs and noisy parties are hard places for us T people to carry on conversations, you guys are more likely to want to talk to a woman somewhere more private, where you really can hear her. Us ladies find that very sexy! Go for it!
       
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    22. Aaron
      Fine

      Aaron Member

      Location:
      China
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/22/2012
      LadyDi, thank you so much!

      "I was involved with someone who wasn't up to dealing with a serious medical issue, some people just simply can't do it." I agree with you totally. A lof of my friends and even her best friends blamed her so much for her leaving, but I told them, it is not fair, she just can't burden that, although I am much better now, like 90% back to normal, but she just can't survival for the most tough 6 months, that's it, people are different in this world, and it is just a kind of choice, have nothing to do with moral. Although I got T in an accident when I help move her house. She indeed got a little responsibility for that, but it is an accident, she also didn't expect that happen. So let it be. I asked her "in sickness and in health" when we were talking about our wedding, just before that happened, we were talking about where to hold the ceremony, then I asked her" you love me in sickness and in health". She answered forever. Oh, life, it is my fate.

      Almost 9 months now, I am still not full ready to restart a new relationship, I am kind of exhausted, also thinking about the meaning of love. But I think I will be fine in one day, and there should be somebody waiting for me, even with T, she doesn't care. "in sickness and in health".

      Thank you again! I will be fine.
       
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    23. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009

      Sorry to hear about the break up, Aaron. That is sad. How did you survive the double pains, T and loss of your love? You are very strong. Don't worry brother, there may be someone better waiting for you later. one who will truly stick with you in sickness and health. In action, not in words !

      I am truly lucky that my other half is a gentle supportive and loyal sweet angel. She came to my life in university in Hawaii. At the time I was still struggling with on & off anxiety disorders. We were just friends and we jogged together at times. I really like her but I dared not love her because of my disorders. Don't want to burden someone that sweet and lovely. But then another school mate wanted to date her. So I had a dilemma, to tell her I like her or just keep quiet. I decided to tell her I like her very much but that I also want to reveal to her the pain (and insecurity) of my disorders. I also told her the other guy is a good guy who happens to be a student leader too. I let her choose.

      Thank Heaven, she chose me. She thanked me for being so honest and she told me she has bad asthma problem too. So we both found out each other with some sort of health challenges. I promised her I would do the best to give her a happy life and protect her with the best of my ability. So we got married later and I have kept my words. Now 30+ years later, with children & now grand-children, we still hug each other and say 'I love you' daily. When my T hit me so badly a few years back, nothing could shake our relationship. She just supports me so much. She is truly my angel. Her asthma got worst but she is happy as a stay-home mom all these years and I have kept my words to protect her and care for her.

      T tried to turn my life into a living hell. I realized I needed to make sure it wouldn't infect my family with its darkness. I humanized T as a bitter bully who wanted to destroy me & my family. I fought back. I made a conscious decision that if T turned my life into a living hell, I wanted to make sure my family would be a living Heaven in return. So I was extra nice to everyone. I even massaged my sweet life daily while an ipod was masking my T. LOL. I wouldn't let the T bully touch my family. My family sensed my effort and they returned their kindness. Affection and harmony rules the family. It was and still is the ray of light which gradually outshines the darkness of tinnitus. This gives me positive confirmation of my life and its value even when it was utterly wasted by T. Recently my wife also develops T. Perhaps she senses that I survive OK. So she is receptive to her T without much struggle and I am as supportive to her as possible in return. Love is thicker than T. Don't give up life nor your love ones because of this bully. Amen.
       
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    24. LadyDi
      Busy

      LadyDi Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Barotrauma/airplane
      What a beautiful story, Billie. Thanks for sharing this. You and your family will be an inspiration to many of us.
       
    25. Aaron
      Fine

      Aaron Member

      Location:
      China
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/22/2012
      OMG, that's my ideal life ever, I love a movie called "The notebook", it is that kind of love I pursue. We also say "I love you" to each other for 5 years. But look back, the days are too good to be ture. I rode my bike to wait for her in front of the dormitry, every girl of that building know me well since I didn't miss even one day during the 3 years love in University. After working, I have to fly around China in working days, and no matter how later I arrived back to Beijing on Friday, I will get up at 9 to go to the supermarket for shopping, then I cooked the meal for our Saturday, and until noon she got up. In the afternoon I drive her to the cinema to watch a movie, then we have a big dish in the shopping mall. And I will fly again on Sunday night. She is also a consultant, sometimes we arrived at the airport the same time on Friday night and went to the airport the same time on Sunday night. This kind of busy but happy life for 2 years, from 2010-2012, then the accident happened, she struggled with me for about 6 months, and have to leave, I think it touched her limit. So, it is a tragedy, but at least I got 5 year happy memory.

      Thank you so much for sharing your family story, I love it so much, it brings back some of my belief about love and family, best wishes for you and your families, and also for myself, wish that I could embrace the true love again one day in the future.

      Amen!
       
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    26. LeQuack
      Scared

      LeQuack Member Benefactor

      Location:
      United States of Europe
      Tinnitus Since:
      2005
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Bad luck and bad genes
      T is my life partner and it's annoying and clingy.
       
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    27. Haru
      Artistic

      Haru Member

      Location:
      Turkey
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2013
      My boyfriend is sorry but calm about it. We have a long distance relationship right now, so he doesn't live with me 24/7, though...Tinnitus created a huge sleeping problem for me. I already had sleeping problems though, so he's used it...I don't use white noise right now.

      When I tell my bf a doctor didn't help, he says I can try a new one. He offers solutions, thinks on what could have caused the T. Sometimes he makes silly guesses or suggestions so I get angry, hahah. But he takes my temper calmly. He has nerves outta steel...And I'm not the kind of person who talks much about her problems and asks for comfort. Sometimes he brings the T issue up and I'm like "I don't wanna talk about it right now! :mad:" He goes "Ok ok :cool:"
       
    28. Off-Kilter
      Artistic

      Off-Kilter Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      My girlfriend has been helping me with my tinnitus, but until yesterday she didn't even know that's what she was doing.

      Lying in a quiet room, I sometimes suddenly stop breathing, and whenever she sees me doing this, she says "breathe!" in a joking voice, which snaps me out of it. Yesterday I thanked her for doing that, and found out that she thought I was having problems with asthma!

      I think she knows I often keep things to myself, so for me to talk about my tinnitus means it is something significant.
       
    29. linearb
      Psychedelic

      linearb Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      East Coast USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      1998
      I actually slept with a fan for years before I had tinnitus, and for much of my relationship. My partner never really liked it. We mostly sleep in silence now; ironically sometimes she wants a fan for one reason or another, and now it bugs me.

      Overall she's extremely understanding and supportive, she does not put pressure on me to go to loud places with her, and goes out of the way not to subject me to loud noise (warning me when she's going to turn the vacuum on and what have you). I think she protects her ears better as a result of my issues, but sometimes she'll still do stuff I think is unwise like get on the back of my motorcycle without earplugs.

      I probably say something about my tinnitus at some point during most days, but come to think of it, I do not believe I mentioned it to anyone today. I probably made some remark to someone within the past couple days, though.
       
    30. linearb
      Psychedelic

      linearb Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      East Coast USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      1998
      If this is when you're actually asleep, it sounds an awful lot like sleep apnea. Anecdotally I know of one person who saw an improvement in their tinnitus distress when they addressed their sleep apnea.
       

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