I Almost Did "It"

I was sitting in my car in my garage last night. I was going to end it all. I am so bullshit. I was starting to put some quiet times together and my idiot doctor decided that he wanted to have me try oxcarbazepine. He is only supposed to be supervising my Klonopin taper. He said it might help with my anxiety. I never said I was having anxiety. Then he said that it might help with my tinnitus because it effects that part of the brain. Just because something effects that part of the brain doesn't mean it will effect it in a positive way. I took it for four days. My ears started ringing and hissing horribly. I stopped taking it 6 days ago and it hasn't gotten any better. I felt like I was finally on the road to recovery and now this. I am furious that he just couldn't leave well enough alone. I'm pissed at myself for not knowing better. I'm so furious. I can't say it enough. He just couldn't leave well enough alone. What a moron. Now everything's ruined. I'm sitting here shaking all over. I'm not putting up with more years of this crap all over again. I never asked for additional medication. He just couldn't leave well enough alone. That's what's pushing me over the brink. I dropped from 8MGs of Xanax daily and I'm down to 2.5MGs of klonopin daily. It's taken me almost a year so I'm not going to pop any benzos.
I recently spent 18 days is a mental health unit. I had attributed the drop in volume from being switched from Xanax to klonopin. Also, oxcarbazepine is a real heavy hitter. It's not a drug to be fooling around with. He just couldn't leave well enough alone...

 

Hey..... I get what you're saying. It sucks. We've all been there. I've been there. It's a good thing you didn't end your life though. Don't give up. Just don't. I don't know what else to say. I've never had to deal with meds when having T, so I don't really know how you feel exactly right now. It's good that you sought help, even if it doesn't make you look good at all. Pray, pray and hope. It can do wonders, no matter what you believe in. Trust me, it will take time, but being positive will help you a lot. Don't give up.

 

@erniej I think many doctors have a habit of doing that - not taking the possible negative consequences into account when prescribing. Doesn't help you to know this of course. The best gp I ever had was the one (the only one) who used to suggest waiting things out rather than prescribing, alongside suggesting things like vitamins, etc.

Anyway, I think I understand a little bit of the anger you feel. It is so totally unfair that this can happen... someone else's mistake results in devastating consequences for you. It is an awful overwhelming feeling that can consume you. What I want to suggest is that you not let this anger and sense of injustice colour any decisions you might be considering about whether you want to continue with life. That anger will fade and you know, the tinnitus very well might too. Letting go of anger is really hard when you have no way to channel or express it. Maybe part of your thinking is that by ending your own life your doctors error of judgement would be brought to light and he would be forced to face the magnitude of his mistake. I'm not saying you are thinking this, but I have had thoughts like that in my darkest moments with tinnitus and I think it is a natural thing. The downside is that ending your life would probably punish the people who love you way more than this reckless doc.

Your volume dropped before - it may again. The best way you can help that along is probably to find ways to deal with the massive emotions you are feeling at the moment. Talk to people if you trust them, write more here, consider seeing a counsellor if you can get a good recommendation (there are bad ones out there). Try to look after yourself in every way you are able and see it as a long term project to get stronger again and get back on that positive path. You suffered an injustice and a setback but that doesn't mean game over, despite how overwhelmed you probably feel right now.

The best of luck my friend. Try to stay strong.

 

You are doing well coming down off medication and that alone will make your tinnitus spike.
Well done in getting the help and support needed from a short hospital stay.
Keep strong and ring for help if find it hard to cope still as the support will be their for you.
Well done again with medication reduction...lots of love glynis

 

I feel your pain Ernie but believe me topping yourself is not the answer,I came very close do doing so myself the last couple of days but it's anxiety getting the better of you.I had been doing extremely well with my T and H until a sudden sound exposure(nothing drastic)in November.I was in a panic and my doctor prescribed me 4mg of Valium at night for 3 months to calm my nerves and to reassure me that my ears were ok.He ended the perscription in January and my T and H are through the roof.Im confused because I can't tell if I done something or the Valium did something I guess I'll never know.But one thing to remember is that it will get better and your obsessing over it is only going to drag you down.Watch videos on YouTube,something to make you laugh,it's what I've been doing the last while and it does lift your spirits.All the best.Bill.

 

It's such a lonely affliction. I ask people if they wouldn't mind coming by and watching a movie with me. They say they are too busy. Then I wonder, "Am I that awful to be around?" It's like my friends and family will stick around until I have a problem then they scatter like cockroaches when someone turns on a light. So not wanting to spare my family the pain of killing myself doesn't hold much weight if it comes to that. It's been over four years since I've seen my daughters. If I was dying of cancer at least I would have hospice care and visiting nurses. Someone! Posting to forums is helpful but without significant people that care enough to come around even just for a short visit just makes it that much more unbearable. I'm afraid to ask them if I could go over and visit them. I don't want to be a burden.

 

Your situation is very serious. I don't want to sound trite, but have you considered getting a dog? I live alone, and occasionally babysit a dog who is a handful, lots of energy. But he's also incredibly sweet and affectionate, and it helps to take my mind off my tinnitus when he's outside dashing around and exploring things.

A great dog if you tend to get lonely is the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. This dog loves to cuddle next to you, and is prone to separation anxiety if you leave it alone by itself. That's how much it wants human company. They are people pleasers. They are also beautiful dogs. When you're out walking, people have a tendency to come up and admire them, which is a good opportunity for you to engage in some conversation. I can never resist walking up to someone with a Cavalier King Charles and asking if I can pet their dog.

If you can't get a dog because of your living circumstances, consider volunteering to walk the dogs at the local animal shelter. Those dogs are even more lonely than you are. Or you could foster one.

 

In Massachusetts it's easier to get into Harvard than it is to adopt a dog or cat. You need to go on interviews. Have references. You need to have a veterinarian sign a form that states that they will be doing routine wellness visits. I suppose I could get a cat off of craig's List...

 

Dear ErnieJ, I read your post this morning which made me decide to sign up to this forum. This is my first post. Don't kill yourself. Don't let Tinnitus beat you. You must be strong. I've had Tinnitus in both ears for more than 2 years now. I often think about killing myself and then realize that GOD would get upset with me. That's the last thing I need. Also, I turn on the news and it does not take long to realize that the world is full of people that have troubles much worse than my own. I find comfort by getting plowed with a bottle of Tequila. I don't recommend it however when I drink to the point of passing out I can get some needed sleep. Tinnitus truly is a lonely affliction even if you have a large family that visits daily because anyone that does not have T really does not understand the pain and insanity because they soon forget about your condition because they don't hear it in their head 24/7. I love CHEZA's get a dog idea. Get a miniature schnauzer. They don't shed and are very easy to train. The companionship helps a lot. I've had my dog for nearly 16 years now. He has helped the entire family thru some rough times. We call him "Mr. Peanut the dog faced boy", "P" for short. I pray for you and everyone that has to deal with this crap. We have to live our lives on GOD's terms not ours. Everything happens for a reason. GOD will reward us all in the end.