I Can't Stop Thinking About It

No matter what I do. I think about tinnitus. I don't (or can't, dunno...) focus on anything else. I'm pretty sure that a normal person would have just accepted or habituated to this by now. It's nearly 5 months now. I wake up so optimistic and by lunch-time I feel like I want to die. I'm so sick of feeling like I want to die. I know all the right things to think. I know that I catastrophise everything. But just from previous experience, it hasn't gotten any better so isn't it perfectly reasonable to think the worst? And now, all of a sudden, I can't breathe anymore. That's been 8 days now where I suddenly thought "omg, i cant breathe", and then couldnt. I look like an idiot breathing in really deeply all the time because I get the sensation that I can't breathe in properly. All of this stuff is all in my mind and knowing that doesn't help me stop it! None of this anxiety is real yet I feel it every second of the day. I hate being negative all the time. The last few years have been a disaster. I'm actually a normal happy person but I don't know who that was anymore. I cry every day but now I do it when I'm alone and then have to pretend to be ok around family and friends. I'm crying right now, I'm a loser. I am on antidepressants but I foolishly expected them to make everything better which is fact it doesn't do. They just are meant to help you cope better, they won't fix your life for you. I have to do that. But I feel like I can't do that. I start Audiology in 2 weeks. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to do nothing but I don't want to interact with other people either. I can't concentrate. GO AWAY TINNITUS!

 

Neenie hi, i feel exactly the same way, i'm not coping 10 weeks in, i don't want to do anything or go anywhere, people just annoy me, i just want to be alone so i can cry and plan my suicide!!! i can't sleep for long, i am just so desperate to be normal again which i know will never happen ... i'm sick of ear plugs, to be honest i'm sick of everything!!!! I feel you're the only one i can relate to, as we both are not coping, your words are my words... God have mercy on us ...

 

Do any drugs like Nortriptyline help? Do you use Remeron and/or Zolpidem to sleep? I am taking Nortriptyline 25mg 2-3 times/day. It gives you dry mouth but that's better than T. I know concentration is almost impossible with T.
How loud is your T right now, 0-10? Remeron seems to give you vivid dreams, which is nice. I been taking it with Zolpidem, which is probably overkill, but you sleep.

 

I'm not sure who you are responding to, but i'll reply anyway ... i'm not taking any drugs, i thought these drugs were ototoxic, so when you say you take Nortriptyline does it lower your t, i need some help, i really do.

 

I know it feels like there is nothing you can do and it's like being stuck in a maze that has no exit. It may seem like there is no end to it, but you can't think that way. Tinnitus to me is like an entity that just loves to see me suffer, but then I look around me. I see my family, my friends, my pets, and my life. All that I have gone through and all the things I have suffered through and fought for to get to where I am now and I realize that I will not give my life to this sound. You need to be strong and fight for your life and your loved ones. Don't let tinnitus take your life and don't let tinnitus take you from your family and friends. One day there WILL be a cure, and until then WE will be here always for YOU and EVERYONE else who needs it. Stay strong and tinnitus will be what it always has been. Just a noise.

 

Well I was originally responding to Neenie or you Carol....doesn't matter. I don't think Nortriptyline is ototoxic. My T went way down after taking Zolpidem + Remeron....getting tired.
All that I hear is my carotid artery rumbling when I plug my ears.

 

Thank you Will, i know your words are correct, but for me it's not just the t, it's the whole life changes that are getting me down ... the fear of it getting louder, having to plug every time i go out, not being able to eat or drink anything i want, to me that's not much of a life!!!!

 

Thanks guys. Yer, I take a million antideps (amitriptyline, valdoxan, pericyazine, mirtazipine) plus sleeping tabs (zolpidem, triazolam). I'm not actually that crazy. I'm actually a normal person. I think. I'm just so annoyed at myself. And yes, it is just a noise so why the crap am I so stressed about it!?

 

I've read a couple of your posts and you have talked about hurting yourself in both of them. I think you should try and find someone to talk to and maybe get some meds. I know it won't help your tinnitus, but I think it could help you to cope with it. Just my thoughts.

Edit - It looks like you like you already have meds.

 

Not familiar with valdoxan,pericyazine, or triazolam....what are they for? Too many meds IMO.

I think the mirtazapine + zolpidem is all you need for sleep. Most people only take one but I have taken them both together and they really calmed down my nervous system & ears.

 

Yer I am on too many meds but am afraid to go off them in case life gets even more worse. If I'm not oping with life ON medication, how will I cope OFF medication? I know I'm on a bucket load. I'm going to slowly try to go off them. My psyc however says that the amount I'm on is fine. I guess if she said it isnt fine she'd be out of a job though, haha

 

Some of them could be exasperating your condition....the fewer the better IMO. Some psychiatrists get carried away with prescribing meds as I have been to a few over the years. Instead of adding drugs they should be subtracting them IMO.

 

Sorry to hear you're not doing too well!

I've already said this in a couple other of your threads but I seriously think you need to re-evaluate the medications you are taking, it's way too much. You can't take multiple anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, 'non-benzo' hypnotics and benzos all together - it's chaos on the brain. I'm really surprised that your psych has you on a mix like this.

The reason I've brought this up before, and again now, is because of my own experience of just being dependent on Zolpidem. I've experienced a gang of weird symptoms over the years and just realized in the last year that it is because I've been experiencing inter-dose withdrawals. Over the years I've had crazy bouts of anxiety, chronic lung pain, insane muscle spasms that have lasted months at a time, increased eye floaters, auditory hallucinations, etc. After doing some research online, they basically all link to Zolpidem withdrawal. I'm absolutely sure my dependency on Zolpidem has had a role in the development of my tinnitus and hyperacusis also, my GABA receptors are burnt out. So I've been working to slowly taper off it and get back to natural sleep.

Medications have their place, but there is a point where they do way more harm than good. I still think that you will benefit tremendously from minimizing your medications - I know they've messed me up in the past!

Anyways, I'll drop it after this, but please think about it. Hope you start to feel better!

 

I think @yonkapin is right on the brain chaos. I guess I am addicted to Zolpidem, but with Remeron added seems to calm you way down. I am not sure if T is related to Zolpidem...possibly. Goodnight!

 

Thanks guys. Yer I'm on too much I agree. It was good for a while but I must, if I am honest, admit that deep down I know it's not sustainable. It's a crazy mix that I'm on but I'm terrified I'm go more crazy without them! Its ok so far though, I've dropped one antidep and am in the process of dropping another so, hopefully in a long long time away I'll be able to have dropped many more

 

Yea I have had it for 10 months and I don't think there has been 1 day that I haven't thought about it at least once.

 

Maybe try some therapy or smth else that doesn't involve medication? Sometimes its good to talk to a neutral person

 

I'm sorry you're feeling down Neenie, hope tinnitus leaves you alone soon.

 

I know how you feel Neenie. On my first 2 weeks that's how I exactly was. No matter what I do, its just all i can avert my attention to, no matter how hard I try to keep myself busy then, it just wasn't working! Then I realized somethint Neenie... how can I forget something that I am PURPOSELY avoiding? How can I forget about something when I keep telling myself 'Keep yourself entertained Anne! Its for the Tinnitus' When even that single thought pulls me back to the (as I liked to call it) The 'T Loop' Which consisted of me going into an endless loop of worrying about T. That became my first target DON'T ENTER THE LOOP! If I started to think about the T, Or if I found myself listening to it, I do something to turn my attention away. No matter what is! I sing, turn the TV on, Chant in my head, write a story, contemplate about a show i watched earlier. Any of the things that can help me not enter the loop! That's when I noticed that everytime my 'Distraction' worked, its when i Really entertain myself without really ON PURPOSE avoiding my T! Until those times turned to mintues, hours, days, weeks, and so on! And also try to avoid habits that'll make your attention to tinnitus become stronger. Like covering your ears to listen to it. I used to do that A LOT! And Listening to your T isn't exactly a way of traning your brain NOT to listen to it don't you think? I had T since Septemper of last year Neenie, and I can honestlt say I am doing better, I know you will too. I'm gonna tell you a little secret. My T is louder than it used to before i got used to it. Now it can be so many sounds at the same tine! But, My will is stronger than the T. I'm sure yours is too Neenie. Stay strong, never loose hope. This is a battle you need allies with and we here at TT are an army ready to fight each other's battles!

Xoxo
ANNE

 

Thanks @yonkapin - Maybe that's causing my noise, the Zolpidem I mean. I've been on it so long, it will be hard to get off, but it would be nice to get natural sleep and the possibility of no tinnitus would be great.

 

Hi Neenie....we meet again in Support.<G

You're on quite a few scripts for a relatively short time (Sept.13). You might do well talking to the doc that wrote the prescription(s) to help you wean off of those meds that may be a problem stopping suddenly. Like "Columbo"...I've taken Nortriptyline which was prescribed to me just to aid in sleeping early on....sleep and time being a big thing in acclimating which comes in phases.

In reading your notes from the past few weeks....you've hit bottom and up to the top a few times. The roller coaster or sine wave....the closer those peaks/valleys are the more unsettling it is to you...which is typical in the first year. Sooner or later you mind starts to accept little nuances of change and those peaks/valleys get further and further apart until they've finally leveled out.

The meds are supposed to level things out for you...unless they're conflicting their effect.

One thing that may be triggering your problem days....is right here in this forum. Reading other tales that you empathize with could bring you down where you start to focus....again....on your situation rather than going about doing your normal daily routine. I can speak from experience....take a break from the forums so your T-noise doesn't take center stage and focus all of the time.

I think a lot of folks get as hooked on the forums as they are on the meds....constantly looking for something tangible, enlightening or the magic cure. It's not here.

I think I suggested just picking up and going to a movie....a few hours out of the house and in a different surrounding and atmosphere of the story....has helped me many times over the years. Anything to break the "loop" of anxiety can change the rest of your day or longer. Getting away from everyone else's troubles here is a positive step.

 

Hey Neenie, Good job getting honest with yourself! That was super hard for me! I was on quite a mix as well, and have really cut down on meds. And I actually feel better, am more productive, and have a better attitude. Warning though, slowly taper the meds! I went cold turkey and that threw me into a really bad tailspin. Sounds like you have the right approach. Stay connected and stay accountable and feel better!! You can do it!!!!

 

@Neenie sorry to hear you are still struggling, but I've brought good news.

I found this in a document I saved a while ago on my computer...it's about Neuromonics, which I read you are doing soon.

It states...

"I had a patient come in with a TRQ score of an 87 once. Now, think about that - 17 is significant, and this person scored 87. This patient was sent to me because he was actively considering suicide. After 12 weeks of treatment, he had all zeroes on his TRQ. After graduation, he had all zeroes. He did not notice his tinnitus. I said, “Well, is it still there.” He says, “Well, let me listen. It is still there, but I do not notice it.” I had him back in a year because I have all my tinnitus patients back, and you should, too. I send a follow-up TRQ in six months and have them back in a year whether they are Neuromonics or not. A year later after the treatment he still had a full score of zeroes on the TRQ."

So there is hope.

 

Neenie, you looks like beautiful sporty girl, you like sport, you have athletic figure (i think) You dont know, why you have tinnitus. You wrote, surely not from acustic trauma (like me), not from inner ear infection and you hearing is perfect. Maybe - some squished nerves somewhere in spine or neck. You have to try really good chiropractor or some massage of back, neck... i dont know.

One story - my friend after meal took a toothpick and began with cleaning space between his tooths. Suddenly he got high pitched tinnitus. He suffered three days, got panic, (like we all on the beginning). He wondered how this could happen. Than he took a toothpick again and tried nuzzling between his tooths again. Luckily , he hit right nerve endings and tinnitus disappeared. He sad, he was never so scarred before. I believe him :/

Maybe your tinnitus isnt from cochlea, but from some squished nerves too.

 

Thanks guys. It means so much to me to read your comments that are so positive and relevant. I always feel a lot better after reading your replys and it means a great deal to me and boosts my confidence and optimism immediately. I guess I'm just angry at myself for not coping better with it. And I'm mad that I still get anxious and annoyed at something as simple as just a noise inside my head. It's not cancer. It's a noise. Be a little less dramatic and a bit more realistic Nina!! But yer. Thanks for the replys. I read them over and over again during the course of the day, every time I feel like I want to die, I read them. Thanks a lot. You'll never know how important these replys are to me! (Very!!)

 

Neenie, I know you said not too long ago that you were going to take a break from the board, that you were worried it caused you to focus too much on your tinnitus. But I see you are back and posting a fair amount. Did you decide a break wouldn't help? Or that the feedback you get from the board is worth more than what you would get out of a break? Just asking, its always good to see you.

 

Yer, I caved. I was gonna take a break and I did for about a week. But just felt so lonely and had noone to talk to and noone who understands and noone who cares and noone who thinks it's a problem and noone to whinge to!

 

funny thing eh? I guess we are all different, it seems some come and go and some come once and never come back ?after a few postings here and there but for me personally I pretty much don't give a rats ass reading this stuff doesn't bother me one bit, it just breaks my heart to read some of the stories that are posted only because I know and have felt the initial madness that this causes normal people, you know what? big deal It's just a noise and it can't hurt me, to all you newbies take a deep breath relax and exhale....it will get better trust me, I'm 14 months now and still typing away, stay strong my brothers and sisters

 

whats a noone

 

no one I meant