I Destroyed My Hearing — How Can I Forgive Myself?

I could've avoided this. This was my own stupidity for doing too long hours and not letting my ears rest.

I hate myself for this. I've done pretty stupid things in the past but this..

I can't enjoy anything. I've even noticed I have been more distant to my girlfriend. If I hug her, I don't concentrate on the feeling, only this high pitch in my head.

It feels I am not "here" anymore. I feel detached from the world, I cannot connect to it anymore. I see things, taste things, hear things, but it feels unreal.

I have barely smiled during the week.

I destroyed my hearing. How do I forgive myself?

 

Just take a deep breath and try to relax as this is not the final outcome for you. Far from it... You are in early early days. There is a high chance it will fade. 1 month, 3 month and 6 month are common time frames for it to fade. Even up to 1 year. So just focus on not making it worse. That's what you should concentrate on. Just don't make it worse. Avoid loud places, I personal would stop listening to all music during this time period and if anything spikes it, like driving, then wear ear plugs during those times. I'll say it one again and please read each word and digest it. It... will... get... better... It... can... easily... fade... away.

And be careful of MRI's, antibiotics and dentists. Search the forum on these subjects.

Got it?

 

I know it's hard, we've all been there.
No more earbuds (ever), protect your ears from loud noise and give them a chance to heal. Most tinnitus sorts itself out in 6-18 months. You will most likely see significant fading over that time. Years ago I had super bad, piercing tinnitus from a bad acoustic trauma, and it faded to ZERO in 2 years.

 

@another sean

I totally agree. I caused my own grief as well, concussion back on Jan. 21st. Basement was flooding and I went out in the middle of the night knowing damn well it was icy, and only put on street shoes. Fell and cracked my head, 3 weeks later wound up with the tinnitus. Good news is that I'm on my 6th. day of relative quiet. Yesterday it was gone totally for most of the day. Don't give up hope, it very well could resolve, as you say.

 

I broke my hearing too, long story short it did improve over the first year after doing one important thing - rest - but also taking magnesium.

You can donate to Mass Eye and Ear's research, mention hearing loss restoration. It is not too far fetched to imagine this being a reality under a decade.

https://www.masseyeandear.org/resea...s/laboratories/lauer-tinnitus-research-center

• Cochlear Nerve Repair and Tinnitus – Dr. Charlie Liberman, along with his colleague Dr. Sharon Kujawa, discovered in 2009 that even brief exposure to loud noise can result in permanent loss of auditory nerve fibers. They named this condition “hidden hearing loss,” because it does not affect the audiogram or appear in routine histological preparations of the cochlea. However, the loss of communication between the inner ear and cochlear nerve may be a root cause for difficulties understanding speech in noisy environments and may be a key link in the chain of events that causes tinnitus. Dr. Liberman and his colleagues are working on therapeutic approaches to regrow these sensory neurons in mouse models in hopes of restoring hearing function and alleviating tinnitus.

https://www.masseyeandear.org/research/otolaryngology/investigators/laboratories/chen
Studies in the Chen laboratory focus on 1) functional genomics of hearing, 2) inner ear hair cell regeneration, and 3) inner ear stem cell biology.​

Here is where you can donate and mention "hearing loss restoration research," Charlie Liberman's research on hearing restoration," "Chen laboratory's research on hair cell regeneration"

https://www.masseyeandear.org/online-donation-form

 

Forgiveness is a personal choice. Rather than forgiveness I've chosen to focus on acceptance. It's been a longer month than most, but I'm starting to gain a habituated mentality. Something I've realized is that there are a lot of sounds that mask my tinnitus and being busy and active -- going out, making plans & meeting people helps.

Rather than obsessing over things -- sounds that I can't control, I'm empowering myself by focusing on what I can control. I'm finding myself focused on listening to lyrics more than ever before. I'm learning how to mask my tinnitus and I think that's a good strategy for starting out dealing with this condition.

There are still things I want to do, people I want to see, places I want to go. I think when you focus on your tinnitus you make an unconscious choice to bring it with you. It doesn't deserve your attention. So who or what does?

 

One question: is it normal for this to switch sides all the time? Even when I am in silence I sometimes physically feel when my left ear feels blocked (like pressure inside) and then tinnitus reducing from right side and vice versa.

This is very odd as it's changing volume and sides like that and the feeling of pressure changes too. Sometimes my ears feel almost like normal.

Also I noticed when the tinnitus gets louder, it actually affects my balance very slightly. Physical exercise also makes it louder.

It try to get an appointment with ENT next week.

Yeah, I panic easily. It's just my new track is waiting to be finished but It just has to wait... Oh, and talk about irony. Last track I released in 2018 was called "world without noise". Universe has strange sense of humor.

Thank you for answer

 

Can I ask what your first acoustic trauma was? I remember reading you said you'd post a story when this new onset is gone, ( WHICH I HOPE CONTINUES TO FADE ), but curiosity gets the best of me..

 

A lot of people with hearing damage from noise trauma have this ear fullness, and it gets misdiagnosed as ETD.

Same with the jaw pain from TMJ worsening, they call it a coincidence when it's not.

My right ear was full on and off for months after my noise trauma, and I had burning pain in my jaw, neck and face immediately after my right ear was assaulted in November 2017. It felt like a stone in my ear.

 

Thank you for answers. I have also noticed that my posture changes the tinnitus. Right now I was watching a movie to take my mind off and I stood up and immediately my ears started have this rushing voice in them. It feels like it's blood pressure related somehow...

Also the clogged feeling comes and goes. I'm going to ask my doctor for sinus medicine that contains pseudo ephedrine. I had my sinuses all clogged the next day I damaged my hearing, bad migraine, I could not even smell anything. So I am still hoping this is sinus related...

 

What would you define as loud noise?

 

I personally think when you have Hyperacusis your tolerance to a certain threshold is lessened even more. Just like how a normal T sufferer is when compared to a person with healthy/non compromised ears.

 

yes our ears are indefinitely more fragile then healthy ones. Noise causing pain after 130db for a few minutes is a dead giveaway that something is not normal with the ear.

Other forms of neuropathy are treated the as if the wounded body part of fragiler then a healthy persons, why is neuropathy in the cochlea treated any different?, why is it not even a diagnose, instead we get a generic word "hyperacusis" which barely defines anything?

Audiology is so far behind addressing these problems it's scary when you think about people with loud music players, live concerts and other ways to destroy hearing, the need for Otonomy and Decibel Therapeutics to come out with real therapeutics is more then ever. Hearing loss causes nerve damage (pain from noise), neurological changes (tinnitus), broken hearing that hearing aids can't correct, and longterm it could lead to dementia. Damaging hearing also effects balance as the vestibular system is right above the cochlea.

It's actually a joke how bad things are, we are like in the middle of a renaissance that could happen, but still in shit times where the only goal is to protect hearing because no one cares if it's damaged, they just sell TRT and hearing aids.

 

I want a Q/A with Otonomy and Decibel so they can open so many people's eyes.

 

I don't expect miracle cure I just wonder why my ear becomes sore during the day. I really don't trust the GP in my local medical center so I thought about seeing an ENT. If there is even any medicine that could ease the symptoms. I need medicines anyway, some sleeping pills for sure.

When "pump" my eardrum back and forth with my finger, it hurts my ear.

It shucks that I had things overlapping at the moment. I had sinus infection and bad migraine (or at least very clogged sinuses) the day I noticed the tinnitus.

And on top of that the sound exposure.

 

Just like a joke eventually stops being funny after it is repeated enough times, after 6-12 months the memories of what you did will stop resulting in a strong emotional reaction...

 

Yes, most likely. This has been pretty hard week for me. I was working hard with my new track I did steady 8 hour days, now. I suddenly cannot make music so it's pretty large change in my lifestyle atm.

But I got new running shoes. I don't need my ears while running.

 

Yes this 100%. I was full of self loathing for a while after developing my tinnitus, always going over all the things I did wrong and hating myself for screwing my ears. I don't think about it now, I'm over it.

 

Hello,

Same feeling for me, I hate myself for this new "life" of constant pain...

And my fucking T seems to increase every year...

I take Antidepressants because without that, I cannot get up in the mornings !

 

That is what I am afraid. I have not been able to sleep well in a week now. I already suffer from cyclothymia that makes my life difficult sometimes. I don't use medication for that because I can manage those bad days somehow (2 years of therapy for that).

I've had enough problems having quality sleep almost my whole life.

But now this...

I am very afraid about the future.

I know it doesn't help to think "what if..." but, I had a future pictured in my head.

I have spent ten of thousands into my music gear, I love music and listening nature.

Usually I go few times a week for a walk into forest to just listen for the nature. I watch the trees and clouds and nature. It is also a source of inspiration for my music.

I am scared, that's all.

Now, I try to go back to sleep...

 

Yeah, I basically think general dB-based guidelines are useless for us, and we have to go by our gut reaction. I do stuff that some people on here might not be able to (for instance, cut down trees). On the other hand, I know some people with tinnitus who still do things that I don't, like concerts without earplugs, large-bore centerfire weapons, etc. We're all different; if something hurts, don't do it.

@Strife_84 in the vaaaaast majority of cases, things do calm down to some significant degree over the first few weeks / months. And, there is a corollary to what @Bill Bauer said above: if you hit a point where you've improved a whole lot, the trauma of this experience may fade. Remember it and protect your hearing, even if things seem to completely return to normal, this experience has made you more susceptible to damage in the future.

I'm not saying that to scare you, or tell you that your music life is over -- from the chair I'm sitting in, I can see my desk with a couple grand worth of semimodular synths, drum machines and other sonic toys kicking around, plus four pairs of headphones and an electric guitar in the corner. I love that stuff -- at responsible, lower volumes.

 

This, pin this to the front page of the website.

 

Thabo you for replies. What is funny, I saw one of the most beautiful.dream in my life during this condition.

Also, I noticed when I squeese my teeth together the "hissing/swooshing" sound gets louder, so that one sound is not caused by my brain.

I do grind my teeth at nights.

Also I had one "quiet" moment at morning. It lasted for few seconds. I tried really hard to listen for the sound but I could not. After a while it came back...

So a made a poem:

"A moment of silence, a moment of bliss
Not a sound in my head, not even a hiss

No more violence in my ears, for that moment I was in tears."

Now I am waiting for my medical center to call me back as I try to get my hearing examined if I have suffered some loss.

 

@linearb

Thanks for the uplifting words.

I really love making music. And your words give me hope. I have truly learned my lesson...

If and when I can make music again

I will do:

-lower volume. Don't turn up volume no matter what.
-more frequent breaks
-no more than 5-6 hours of mixing etc. per day and weekends rest.
-plan what I do better. I've had a bad habit keeping my music on constantly while doing changes. At least in mixing/eq stages. So I need to listen, write down what needs changing , turn off music - > do changes - > listen again.

I have made music for a long time, but I only realized about 3 years ago that I really do love it. It has been the only thing in my life that has stayed with me, always.

 

If you mix 5-6 hours a day -- that is a lot -- and you might want to just take a little break for a while entirely to give your ears a chance to rest?

I'm a software nerd that dabbles in audio beeps, so I never mess with that stuff for more than a couple hours.

 

I usually have mixed for 8 hours a day without any issues. Of course I take breaks once a while during the day. But sometimes I get so drawn in to the world of audio I even forget to eat. But yeah, I guess I overworked my ears.
Not on purpose. This has never happened to me in 10 years. And I personally think I always listen in safe volumes. I

I am going to ENT tomorrow. I forgot I had insurance for accidents, I managed to get this under insurance, luckily. Since I really did not have the purpose of burning out my ears,i think this was some sort of accident.

The public health care is a mess. I cannot wait 2 weeks to get my hearing and ears checked properly. "well, we are renovating now and we don't have a silent audio booth so...but you can come next week" that does not sound good.

At least my stress levels will reduce when I don't have to wait anymore. No, they cannot fix this, but I have to get my hearing tested.

I've had better day today. I slept bad, but I still had energy to go out for a walk/run...

Even had a moment of silence today. It felt nice.

 

Hello and welcome to the forum, OP. This is 100% the best place for your to learn and connect with other tinnitus sufferers. Do not go onto the BTA or Action on hearing loss forums or any facebook groups (other than Tinnitus Hub, naturally). This is the place to be.

As for your question - you simply have to eventually forgive yourself. Life happens. There are people every day who make split second decisions that end up having horrific long term results, many that are worse than tinnitus. Nobody got this condition intentionally.

 

they don't check for hearing loss properly. If the damage is outside human speech range it's not tested.

 

Hello,

Sorry for my negative quote yesterday ! This is your topic and I shouldn't post on it only about myself, especially in a negative way !

----

Ok at the beginning I wasn't able to have a good sleep as well, and I took some Valeriane supplements and put either the fan or some rain sound on my computer, it helped me a lot !

You have also Passiflore which helps with the anxiety, and only natural !

Last but not least, I strongly recommend to take some Magnesium supplements !

Very good if you can manage your bad days !

Ok so let's continue to go to the Nature ! It will only bring you peace and quiet in your mind ! Plus this is a good activity to do with your GF !

All the Best !

Christophe