I Feel Like Such a Failure :(

I'm just feeling so down and remorseful lately,I just feel like such a failure and an idiot for trying to live a life.After I developed H in 2014 I tried my best to get my life on track and after two years I was doing much much better.This was all down to one man and that was my father.He helped me through it all,he seen what I had been through and it was him that got me through the dark days and back living to some degree again.My father knew that I was much better but knew deep down I wasn't happy.He told me that I needed to start living a life again and I did for the most part,but I wasn't truly ready to get back out again either.Sure I would see my mates and go to work and indulge in my passion that is cars,but I was thinking about my ears,what if this made it worse or that made it worse,I let it define who I was and swallow me up.Sure my T was very mild by now and my H was 85% better but I was always afraid of the Unknown.That was until my father passed away suddenly on the 27th of October,I sat by his bed and promised him I'd do him proud,that I would build a life and a family and not be stopped by my fear of sound!As I seen him slip away I was thrown into the darkest place of my life,my one and only crutch was gone forever.But I had made him a promise and I was going to do him proud no matter what!I began socialising again being careful not to over do it.I met a fantastic woman who understood my condition,she was my sidekick always looking out for me and my ears.We went to London on a trip,a comedy show and a few family gatherings always protecting when needed.It was the first time in years that I can truly say I was happy,I was living a life again.I looked after my family and done what I could for them,I had taken over for my father as the guardian for the family.Then in March my T and H returned much stronger and debilitating than ever,one month on and there's no improvement,I can barely get out of the bed in the morning it's that bad!I feel like such an idiot for trying to live a life again and I feel like I've let my father down,I just don't know what to do anymore,I feel I've finally met my maker and it's all my faultI miss my life,I miss everything so much but I never seen this coming.Just need some support,today's my 24th birthday and I'm just completely miserable.

 

Hey Stephen, man i know how you feel,
but you made a promise, and i know the scenario looks dark,
but there is always a light, and you have to keep on focus.
first of all you have to trust your self, listen to you inner voice and dont let the dark/sad feelings get to your head.
we might not have "control" over the T, but we do have control over our thoughts.
you can control all this dark thoughts, dont let this stupid noise control your world.
give it the middle finger, and let peace rule your mind.
i know its hard, yes, its a bumpy ride, some times we have good days, then bad days.
today is your birthday and its a blessing, try to do things for your self.
dont give in to anxiety and fear.
you can do it dude, make your dad prouder than he already is!
you have every right in the world to be happy

 

Such an emotional post. I will reply when I will be able. I am going through some rough times myself.

Was? You mean you are no longer together?

I hope you find some strength in the replies of those fine people that this forum has.
Everybody can understand why on your birthday you are feeling this miserable. Some people get miserable on their birthdays even if they do not have T, if they are not happy with their lives, it is a dfifficult day for many.
But you are so very young! You have time to get better the same way you got better before and turn things around, make a come back.

T and H go up and down. You got worse in March. Can't declare it a "permanent worsening" yet. You will get better and make your father proud.
This is my wish for you on your birthday.

 

No were still together DanaI love her with all my heart,we were planning to move in together and build a life.When I met her I didn't tell her about it at first,I wasn't sure how she'd react.I met her when my father was ill at a car show and he was thrilled that I'd finally plucked up the courage to start dating again,something I hadn't done since I was 18 as my confidence was completely shot.We went bowling on October 16th our first real night out.I stopped after the first round and went outside as fear had gotten the best of me.Thats when I told her about my ears and needless to say she was very understanding and supportive,she was looking out for noise for me ever since lol.She would cover my ears if she spotted something coming that I hadn't,we actually make a great team!But I think I took on too much by trying to build a life with these horrible beasts,I should've known people like me aren't allowed to be happyI thought I had it all worked out but obviously I hadn't and now I'm screwed.My ears are glass

 

Sorry to hear your ears are causing you so much distress.
Try to stay positive that all those good times will come again as you get over this big spike.
Tinnitus can really lower your mood and that can be a symptom not wanting get up out of bed.
This is when you need to push hard to take back control in your life and ask your doctor for help also and talking therapy.
I lost my dad 4 weeks ago and still verry raw and it's hard but maybe you have just started greaving as it can take a while to set in.
Stay positive better days are just around the corner and a lovely summer to come .
Get out in the fresh air when you can and don't let tinnitus make you feel any less of a person or take away your confidence because you will get through this rocky patch I promise......
Keep posting for support...lots of love glynis

 

Thanks for the reply Mario but I've done that so many times,got happy again only to be crushedThere's only so much heartbreak someone can take and I've been through so much now it's painful to think about it.Something always happens to my ears,the rest of my body never gets affected,I never break an elbow or bang my knee it's always something that's out of my control and it's heartbreaking.I got a few snapchats today from my little cousins singing me happy birthday,I broke down crying as I can't tolerate there shouts and screams anymore and so can't play with them,something I loved doing,they're great kids and I miss them so much.....

 

@bill 112 Yes! You ARE allowed to be happy! You even went out and made yourself happier when you promised your dad and when you met this new great woman. More of that happiness is possible. I am so sorry that you are going through a harder time again, but you can also get to a better place again, too. You are also still deep in fresh grieving about your father. So this is especially a time to be gentle with yourself, kind to yourself, and to try to have perspective about how you can be better again, further along the path. Maybe you can try some things you've never tried before to help the symptoms lessen some? I personally have tried some relaxation things/stress reducers with some success. So many of us are operating at high-internal stress that we just accept it as the norm, until a health issue comes along to challenge us.

Sending you support. Please hang in, hang on, and get through to your next better place!

 

Thanks Path Maker for your kind words.Its just such a hard time for me now,I've pretty much got nothing that makes me happy anymoreI'm starting Chi-Kung soon with Kevin and I'm hoping for great results but I might be too optimistic on that front,who knows.Im trying for my family as hard as I can but they see how miserable I am and it's killing them to see me like this which in turn is killing me even more.I just lay in bed all day looking out at the world and just wishing it away,I want my life back and I just don't know if that's possible anymore

 

Whew, that was a scare! Hold onto her, OK? Fine people, man or women, can't be found at every corner of the street, they are a minority of the population.

Who țold you that, the Devil?
Do what Mario told you to do, give him the finger!
We, the T sufferers, are under the risk to believe that if T happened to us, then we deserve it. That is NOT TRUE.
We got t just because SHIT HAPPENS.
There are kids born with T, also kids born deaf and with T. We have a member on this forum who was born deaf and with T. He did something wrong in a previous life? Oh, then I have to present myself: I must be the reincarnation of Hitler, considering what i have been through and what I am going through and will go through until I die, because i have other problems besides T, even if I get cured tomorrow I have other problems that cannot ever be solved. T and H are not "incurable", as they say on the Internet. Only the stats are bad. But a person can lose when the odds for winning are 99%, and win when the odds to win are lower than 1%. You can win, while there is one chance only.

I have never heard of such defect, "being too optimistic". Being optimistic is the key . Probably Kevin will tell you more about that, look at him!

 

Bill! I forgot that you are the one who is starting Chi-Kung. I must thank you for that, because due to you posting that, I am seriously looking into beginning this practice too. I also read the article about that man in Ireland. You brought it to light again, here. (I hope in some tiny way, knowing that you have helped a person clear across the ocean makes you feel a little better!).

I am the last person on earth (before getting tinnitus, that is ), who ever would have thought I'd be signing up for a body-based practice like this. Several weeks ago, I enrolled in Tai Chi classes with a friend, and honestly, we look like Lucy and Ethel attempting to keep our arms coordinated with our legs during some of the forms.

And, I am pretty in shape, otherwise. Just more of an artist-writer person, with what I thought was zero-interest in Tai Chi. And you know what? It's helping!

Yes, after several sessions, with me putting no stress on myself about having to be a "master" at Tai Chi, and just working the process and tuning into my body more with the relaxing breathing, and noticing when I tense my shoulders/face muscles (nearly always!) and then letting them go, I DO feel better.

Anyway, I think the man you are in contact with has a lot going for him regarding how his tinnitus resolved. Or rather, how he himself helped it. There are those who would say it's not "proven," etc., etc.

BUT. This world is filled with untold stories and creative people who go about their lives taking individual action to help themselves when they have these "incurable" situations.

I commend you on researching, finding, connecting with this man, and I think you will do splendidly with this. And, you ARE still honoring your promise to your dad (which is also a promise to yourself, because that's what any good dad would want for his son - a good life for him!) because here you are, facing this, and you went and connected with the guy in the article. You ARE doing it. I so commend you! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, my friend.

 

Stephen, i know how you feel
and i know its tough.
but you are a warrior!
this might not be your month, but april isnt over,
things can and will get better, you have been up and down a few times before.
i know its bothering an all, but i have read that H come and go, and im sure it will go this time too.
dont give up, never give up pal, i dont know you personally, but i know your life makes a difference for a lot of people.
and they need you.
i think you feel emotional cause its your birthday, but remember this.
you have to be your best friend, treat you self like a best friend will treat you.
i few days ago i was feeling the same as you (bein a failure)
because i cant live my dream, i cant go to los angeles (where i wanted to move), because i cant somebody to a proper date to the cinema....
but i decided to dont be hard on myself, i was always bullied in school and even out family sometimes can be a little bullies. so i decided to be my best friend
and im gonna focus and what i can do, and enjoy eveyday, we dont know whats gonna happen next.
im not saying that i wont allow my self to have bad days.
but im making the promise to be my best friend, and not to be hard on my self, you try to do that.
you are a great person, just by exchanging messages i can totally tell

 

@bill 112
T sucks definitely. Many have habituated and don't give T a 2nd thought.
For some it takes years. Don't give up hope.

I have loud T, louder than the shower. Today is 10/10.
But we should not give up. It can get better every day, it must get better one day.
You are very young, so there is a good chance they will find a cure for you or it will fade one day.

I also lost my father some years ago. Losing mom or dad is really difficult to handle.
My wife has cancer and I don't know what will happen with me or my kids if she would die.
So you see life is tough.

And I want to tell you: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

I am sure you will habituate. But it takes a strong will and strength.
Never give up.

 

Yes me too!, its funny but i found out a chi kung center here in my small city, and im excited to start,
then yesterday i went to pick up a cake for my sisters bday and guess what.. next door to the bakery there was chinese asian doctor who had a big sign "CHI KUNG HEALING SESSIONS" it has always been there for like 10 years and i have never noticed until you post about it
your life and existence do make a difference in other pal,
enjoy the time you have with your girl, and just try to cop, step by step, day by day,
u can do it

 

And by the way, you are gonna meet this kevin guy who had the same problem as you,
and he solved it, its way too exciting.
how many people do we know that have self healed their T & H?
thats quite exciting and great.

 

I was reading the other day your post about Kevin and about how you will share with us whatever you can from what he teaches you. I gave you a "friendly" rating then and thought "what a nice guy"
I read about how you met a fantastic woman whom you love with all your heart and about plans to move together, while so many guys at your age do not love any woman, just want to "check" in as many places as possible.
I read how you love and miss playing with your little cousins while other guys do not want to play with their own kids.
I read about how, before this spike, you were looking after your family.
I read all those wonderful things about you, and while you think that you do not deserve to be happy and live a full life, I think that you are in the group of people who deserve happiness the most!
Your girlfriend, after you told her about your problem on your first (real) date and she didn't dump you, she had some serious reasons. If you are not filthy rich you can stay calm, the reasons are good.
You are depressed and scared from the spike, that's where the dark thoughts are coming from, obviously. Those clouds will disperse.
I wish you that the sun rises on your street again.

 

I found this on the net:

• FALL SEVEN TIMES, STAND UP EIGHT
  I like this quote, as it is about the ‘never say die’ attitude. It means getting back up every time you get knocked down, fall down, or otherwise end up feeling down. Even if you start feeling like one of those inflatable punching bags the little kids use, you have to get back up.
  
  This quote also infers that the only way you can lose is to not get back up. If you go down and stay there, that is the only path to a sure defeat. While you are still able to get back up, there is still hope, however slim it might seem.
  
  And that’s what the quote is about, in my opinion. Getting back up, no matter what. Over and over and over again. Until you win. Until the other guy gets tired of swinging, or loses interest and wanders off. You just don’t stop until you have what you set out to achieve.
• Very inspiring, but not possible. When you fall down the 7th time, you'll get up...for the 7th time. You'll be standing after only 7 "stand ups". There is no need for an eighth.
  • I considered that but think the creator of this proverb was a clever bastard. We all start crawling in life. The first time we fall down only comes after we've stood up. So the math works.
• We first stand, then we have to get up every time we fall. So the nr of geeting back up has to be the nr of falls plus the first stand up.

http://www.positivelypositive.com/quotes/fall-seven-times-stand-up-eight/

 

Thanks Dana your words aren't falling on deaf ears I promise you thatIt's just been hard with this,I tried to go for a drive with my girlfriend the other day and came home in pieces,it's not fair on her either.Shes an amazing woman and we truly do love one another,she's been helping me through this as best she can,she truly is a T and H sufferers dream girlI contacted Kevin for three reasons one being that I don't honestly believe any doctor or western medicine is going to benefit me in any way shape or form!Its doctors who got me into this mess in the first place.Secondly I want my life back,I've researched everything and even with scientific studies this showed the most promise out of everything out there!Theres more reason to believe Chi Kung will be beneficial than basically any western treatment available.I want to be who I am,and that use to be a happy loving person who did whatever he could to help people.Now Im not blowing my own trumpet or singing my own praises but I often went out of my way to help others,whether it be the time I knew a dog was being beaten by its owner and I kicked down his door with friends of mine,told the owner that we were taking the dog and that he can ring the police if so wishes,but that if he did we would report him to the NSPCA for what he had done to his dog.He surrendered his dog who by the way is now living a happy life as a family pet on a farm near me,he's treated like royalty now.Or the time I bought food and supplies for a man who was living in his car after the recession hit Ireland,he was homeless and broke and cried when he seen my generosity.Theres countless more,but that's how I use to be but as stupid things happen me no matter what I don't bother anymore,I give to the world and it attacks me,there is no justice.I want to be him again but my body won't allow it,my body wants me to be miserable.
Thirdly if it does indeed work and I'm reborn from my intense Chi-Kung I want to report it back here so that others might find relief from it.I know I'm not the only one suffering,there's others here that my heart breaks for because I know their pain.So I didn't just find any Chi-Kung instructor I found a well known experienced instructor who also suffered from the same debilitating condition that I do.I have a better chance of results with him than pretty much anyone on this planet.So here's to giving it my all,if I benefit from his teachings then I think everyone should here too.
Thanks again for your kind words and also to everyone else that commented,I appreciate all of your support

 

Your body wants happiness for it and for you and to heal, it just does not find the way how to do that.
The body needs some guidance from your mind, and your mind can use some guidance from the brain of someone who walked the walk.

 

Martin I wish your wife the best,you can tell her that"the Irish guy"on the forum sends his loveIt was cancer that took my father,diagnosed with a brain tumour and passed away two weeks later from a seizure,it was that quick.My family are no strangers to cancer as it took my brother too when he was only 18,it's a horrible thing for the individual and their families to endure so my sincere thoughts and prayers are sent to you.For what it's worth Chi-Kung(true Chi-Kung that is)has remarkable rates of curing cancer,backed up by scientists at Harvard who witnessed it first hand.Maybe if your wife's up to it and her strength is there get her to practise?Im not a Chi-Kung salesman,I haven't even started practising yet!I just hope it helps your wife.I don't know how to post links but I'll try and find the story again and tell you how to find it.Best wishes.Stephen.

 

And maybe it's your journey to be the one needing some help (at this particular point in time ) from the Chi-Kung guy and then come back here and help others. Just like it was part of that dog's and that homeless man's journeys to be the recipients of help from a golden soul like yourself. Keep the course! Our world desperately needs your kind!

 

I'll do my best Path Maker that I promise you and the rest of the great people here.I want to be an amazing success story so that others here will benefit from it,I owe the forum that much at least.Ive gone above and beyond to find Kevin,if I'm honest I have been searching for him since 2014!It took a great member of the forum(Carlover)to point me in the right direction but I finally got in contact with him!It took a Brit to help an Irishman find his neighbour as Kevin lives no more than 20 minutes away from me,needless to say the Police force here won't be hireing me anytime soon to track down a burglarI'm looking forward to meeting Kevin,he's done the unthinkable and cured his condition!His exact words,he truly suffered and I'm glad he has his life back,he even laughs about the whole thing now.I just hope I see the same results as him

 

I know the feeling. Since I got T (and I had my share of H, so I know the meaning of the word, now I am learning the meaning of the words "super reactive T", which means I get a spike with the smallest occasion) I had better times and bad times. Now I also suffer a worsening (but I am very stressed, that may be the reason), hopefully temporary, but I remember that when I was having my good periods of times, with 1/10 T , how I was laughing at my previous, extremely serious suicidal thoughts. I was seeing them, in retrospect, so stupid, so narrow minded! I was thinking : "On what grounds I was thinking that the 9-10 T will be permanent?"
I discovered, while I was having 1-2 T, and sometimes zero, that I really had no serious grounds to extrapolate and to think, while having high T, that it will be like this forever. Not even a long time of high T does not represent a reason that it will not get away. It may seem like a rational reasoning, not to believe in improvement after years, but my experience proved me wrong. Reality beats reasoning. If my own experience showed me that bad T can improve to almost zero, that means this is possible. All the "science" can go to hell.
I got so much better after years.
And after that I got worse again.
And from experience I know that improvement after this worsening is not impossible.
So I wait. Either passively or actively, trying to find solutions.

 

We live in an ever changing Universe. So how can our situation make a exception and be the only static thing in the Universe?

 

Thats impossible!

 

I completely relate to that Dana.When I got T I was convinced my life was over!I sat in my room staring at the ceiling for months.Then I got out and socialised again and even went back to college.My T diminished more and more everyday and to be honest I didn't give a rats about it,I was your"hallmark"habituated individual.I kept thinking why was I so sad back then,I'd laugh at the whole thing and keep going.Then a year or so later my mates were going out to a loud place and I was going to be left on my own,again.I wanted to prove to myself that I could do anything,I called my uncle and a friend of mine if they had ever gone to any loud places and what to expect.My friend told me that he regularly attends ridiculously loud rock concerts and that it might be a tiny bit louder for a day or two but I'd be fine.My uncle was a doorman at a club for years with T and he said it would be fine,he also goes to numerous ridiculously loud horse racing events like Cheltenham with no issues.I didn't have forums like this for advice back then so their word was golden to me back then.Regardless of what they said I still wore earplugs anyway,just incaseWell it didn't work and the next day my T was worse and of course all the suicidal thoughts and depression came back with it.I felt like such an idiot,every doctor or T specialist said I'd be fine if I wore earplugs,they were wrongI was a kid and foolishly believed what they told me.After a few months my T was extremely mild again and I avoided loud places like there was no tomorrow.I even worked out my own routine,if I go to a birthday or out with my friends trust your ear and leave,if I walked in and it was too loud say happy birthday and leave and that's what I did and it worked.I was all about protecting my hearing at this point,I asked my dentist to use the on and off procedure to minimise noise,I do suffer from regular wax blocks in my ear(narrow canals)and my T would scream when they got blocked so I made appointments with an ear cleaning clinic who would suction them,they were very helpful and would use a special tool just for me that was really quiet.They would use tools and quiet suction for the places like near the eardrum that the tools couldn't reach and I never had an issue.Once or twice there were birthdays where I overdone it a little and I'd get a spike for a day or two but all in all I felt like I had this under control,and it felt good.That was until a sudden noise exposure two years later that was out of my control,two loud really high pitched noises burst through my tv from a video that I didn't even selectNeedless to say I developed horrendous H and increased T.I truly did feel suicidal at this stage,I felt so cheated,I felt like all my hard work was for nothing.I sold my two prized possessions,my two cars a Toyota Starlet GT Turbo and a Honda Civic S.I.R,two fairly rare imported cars that I adored with all my heart!That was the nail in my coffin,after they were gone I didn't care about anything anymore,I just sat in bed everyday crying and if I'm honest,planning my exit from this world.That was when I found this forum that helped me a lot in getting my act together not to mention my great father stepped in and dragged me out of that slumber I was in,and after two years I was back!I had a new baby a Toyota Chaser I imported and again I was getting there!I often looked back at those days and chuckled because I had come so far,I couldn't believe that ending it had even crept into my mind!The story from there is what I wrote in my original post and now it's all back worse than ever!If I'm honest,I wrote my farewell letter last week,I sat there with tears in my eyes saying I can't do this again,it's too muchI begged my father for some sign for me not to end it all and nothing came.I got up from the table,and headed to the door to finish what was left of me.It was 4 in the morning and everyone was asleep and I figured this was as good a time as any.Just as I opened the front door there stood my girlfriend.She was out that night was meant to go home but she was locked out and came here instead,speak about timing but I knew that was my sign.I don't think I would have done it,it was a dark day for me and I just seen no other way out.I told my family about the letter and now they're all rallying around me trying to do whatever they can for me,I'm lucky to have them but it use to be me looking out for them so I'm not comfortable with it,but I still appreciate all their efforts.Thats pretty much my entire T story lol and now I'm embarking on a new journey with Kevin to hopefully get back my life,I have high hopes but I'm a realist,I'm not expecting a miracle but hey who knows,stranger things have happened.I don't get that placebo effect,I have tried multiple supplements and treatments and they just don't work,I'm not saying they're useless and I'm not downing their potential,but for me at least there was no benefit.So now it's time to try something outside the box and realm of western medicine,and hopefully I will be back to report happy results.Thats me in the club that night,spot the earplugs

 

What would be a miracle in this case? A healing that cannot be explained with our knowledge of how the body works? How does our body work? We do not know! We know something about this issue, but not everything, and we do not even know if what we do not know is a little, or A LOT. The body in itself is A MIRACLE. So be open to anything, and do not put a deadline on the miracle's coming, based on the idea that "if something very good did not happen in a certain period of time, calculated with some dubious algorithm, it never will".

 

Who is Kevin?

 

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/my-life-was-a-war-against-noise-1.517024

 

Read the link Martin posted and you'll knowI'm starting Chi-Kung with him personally soon,check out the Chi-Kung thread and you'll be upto speed.Best Wishes.Stephen.

 

Im Mario! hahahaha