I Hate What Tinnitus Has Done to My Thought Process

Hi y'all. I am sure that I am not going to say anything new but I just want to voice my frustrations to some people who will (hopefully) listen.

So I am currently year 12 in high school (a senior if I am not mistaken) and as every kid about to graduate high school I have a few important life events coming up: going to university and consequently moving to another city, finding new friends in that city, the senior ball and probably some others that I can't remember off of the top of my head.

Everyone seems to be losing their marbles over those events except for me. I couldn't care less about any of those things except for getting accepted into university. I am also going bonkers over that.

But I digress.

I don't care about most things my peers care about and instead I worry about whether my tinnitus will allow me to get an adequate amount of sleep tonight, whether I will be able to finish my studies for the day, whether I will be able to relax without being too bothered by it, etc. Everytime I get a cold/flu I am worried that the spike caused by it will stay with me forever. I hate that.

I wish that worrying whether I'd find a partner for the ball was still the biggest problem in my head. I am slowly running out of fuel and to be honest if I am not accepted into university I will just give up on everything. I feel like I can't sustain any meaningful life anymore. Nothing charges me with a desire to continue on. I am sorry if this wasn't the type of post you guys wanted to see around new year but I really needed to get this off of my chest.

 

Believe me... This sentiment is not lost on this community. We all wish there was a magic wand we could wave. But alas fate has not allowed us that grace as of now. I hope you can find the will power and endurance to accept your current condition and not let it lead all your future endeavors. I believe life can still be awesome even with this Neverending story in our heads.

Best wishes.

 

I hear you. This puts you into survival mode when it gets bad. It’s tough to concentrate and it has actually cost me my job now that it has gotten severe from the vaccine. If it isn’t bothering you too much and you don’t have hyperacusis, protect your ears as much as you can so it won’t worsen and be careful of drugs.

 

@Brian P, so sorry this has cost you your job.

How was your tinnitus pre vaccine? What has it done to change it? I haven’t taken it for that reason but had COVID-19 in July and my tinnitus has spiked too.

 

My tinnitus hasn't been changed by the vaccine.

 

My tinnitus was a 1/10 pre vaccine. It shot it to a 9/10 and 12/10 during spikes. I also developed insane hyperacusis from the vaccine where it spikes to sheets and swallowing. I was put on Klonopin and steroids. Tapering from Klonopin made it even worse. I’ve lost all sound tolerance.

 

That’s great to hear!

 

I’m so very sorry to hear that. It’s almost like we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t with this thing. There seems to be no right thing to do as everyone Varys so much. I understand how upsetting this is for you. I’m there too. I hope we have better days ahead x

 

How are you @Brian P? We haven’t heard from you in awhile. Has your sound tolerance improved at all?

 

I understand. I have severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. They’ve changed the way I look at everything—and I mean everything. Sunsets. The stars. The beauties of this world. Its graceful love and delicacies; its sweet aromas; its warmth and promise; its touch and intimacies. Those I’ve lost; severed relationships. I feel robbed and sad. I no longer recognize my home; myself; my mind; a stranger lurks within. I no longer recognize time itself—the good ol’ days are bygone treasures; the present lies in desolation, like a barren wasteland; the future, I fear, will die in vain. Memories are all but forgotten, like constituents of torment, as I ponder what I did and didn’t do; what I could've done to avoid these disasters. Old wounds are reopened, traumas rehashed, like “demons” in the night. How am I supposed to live like this, where the tinnitus feels like constant electricity, causing physical and emotional pain? It’s not just a sound, no, it’s a feeling, too, like electrical currents shocking me nonstop. How am I supposed to endure this hell? And with hyperacusis so severe... I’m praying to God because I’m feeling so hopeless. I do believe in God.

Tinnitus and hyperacusis are special kinds of evil. For those afflicted by them, solutions can seem hopeless and out-of-reach. Problem is, there are too many unknowns with these conditions. Their cause and mechanisms-at-play pose too many questions. They guard their secrets quite effectively, in almost conniving and heartless ways. When trying to treat them or find a cure, they often outsmart us at every turn, every corner, making things worse and worse. Trying a treatment or medication is like playing a deadly game. Some get relief; some get worse... permanently. It’s very individual. I, personally, am in such a state that I’m afraid to try any treatment. One wrong move, a permanent worsening could happen. That’s been my experience anyway. And this takes me to my next point: the inescapable trauma.

Tinnitus and hyperacusis infiltrate the mind. They attack the psyche at its greatest depths. Memories become catalysts of pain, even the good ones; those pleasant, now a source of heartache, as the past takes on new meaning, redefined by the trauma as it lingers and lingers; choices made, journeys sought, life-defining moments... they’re all put on trial. Had I done this, per se, I might’ve been okay. Had I done that, perhaps, the future would be different. It would be good, survivable; it would be livable. Had I married that girl, it would’ve taken me down a different path, free of the wrath of tinnitus/hyperacusis. Had I moved out-of-state for that job... it’s endless. These conditions, this is what they do to us... the torment. The slaughterhouse. Any life would be better than this, right? Even if I married the wrong person or took the wrong path. Anything would be better than this hell on earth. This is what they do to us. They’re diabolical.

There are different grades of “demons.” Lightweights. Heavyweights. Intellectuals. Some strong; manipulative. Some heavy-handed and quite oppressive. They’ll eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then throw you up for second helpings. Some are just too powerful and devour your life to the core, leaving nothing untouched or unclaimed, as they nibble on every facet until nothing’s left. Tinnitus and hyperacusis, at their worst, make you feel that way.

I’ve lost relationships due to severe tinnitus/hyperacusis. My best friend and brother, I no longer see much. His voice causes me severe pain. I’m unable to have meaningful conversations with him. Soul-crushing shit. We used to hangout a lot. I feel guilty and sad that I’ve caused all this, even though it was accidental. I feel responsible. I lost my best friend. And he doesn’t quite understand; the empathy doesn’t register. Those who haven’t seen the “demons” can’t understand them. Not even words can truly describe their depravity. One must be under their spell or possession to see the all-encompassing hellfire, a destructive force beyond measure; one we wish on no one. Only God Himself can save us. And I have to believe He will.

 

@Jerad, it hurts my soul to read how tormented you are due to this condition.

I feel you, and I know how devastating it can be. The feeling of having your life literally robbed from you.

How long have you had it this bad? Do you get any follow up what so ever by anyone qualified within the field?

It's really tough going through all this on your own.

It's absolutely okay to grieve. Grief over a lost life. But things can still get better. There is always hope for brighter days. I'm sure God still have plans for you.

No one deserves this, and I wouldn't wish my worst enemy going through it. But remember, even though there are some lost connections for now, this is not your fault. You are not responsible for this.

 

@Jerad, you have encapsulated everything tinnitus and hyperacusis does in your post. You have a wonderful way with words albeit in this case with a very sad context. Reading it made me feel less alone for tonight. Thank you.

 

Well put. Couldn't agree more.

 

@Jerad, do you use masking? What about at night? What procedures have you tried for your tinnitus?

 

Thanks, @MindOverMatter. I appreciate the feedback. I had mild tinnitus for 20 years, but things got worse last fall.

I tried Turmeric for back pain. It’s a herb that many say helps tinnitus, but it caused a huge relapse in my hyperacusis. And created a morse code tinnitus tone.

I tried sound therapy a few weeks later with headphones because I always did fine with white noise generators in the past (TRT). But my WNGs broke, so I tried headphones at the lowest volume level for 90 minutes a day. I didn’t realize they were different. That caused a huge pulsating hum to develop in my left ear after 4 days. Hum was vibrational, too.

A few months later, I developed leg ulcers that somehow got infected. I avoided antibiotics because of my fear of them. The ER had me use topical Neosporin for a few days. That caused a tinnitus/hyperacusis spike, created a few new tones.

I tried to avoid taking anything further because of all these reactions, but the ulcers kept getting worse. So I researched a lot and found that colloidal silver was supposed to be safe—no tinnitus reactions reported and some said it even helps. I did a topical (not oral at all). But after 8 days, that led to the development of the electrical shocks/hissing/zapping tinnitus. Causes physical pain, like electrical currents zapping me constantly. It caused jet engine/static to develop, too.

Most meds are very individual with tinnitus and can help, or hurt. Being super sensitive like I am, I’m afraid now to try anything. Not sure what to do. I feel so traumatized that I’m just hoping God can provide healing or take me away from here by other means. It’s too much to endure with severe tinnitus/hyperacusis. There’s no respite. This constant electricity shocking me and extreme sound sensitivity is torture. I can’t even be around loved ones anymore because their voices cause me pain, even when I’m wearing double protection. It’s literally destroyed everything. Absolutely diabolical. And nobody seems to understand it, so you don’t get much sympathy. I’m supposed to try hearing aids with minor amplification soon. Some with tinnitus/hyperacusis report they help a lot. I’m seeing an audiologist that has a lot of experience. I’m afraid, though, because some report worsening using them. It’s like we can’t try anything without huge risks. Dunno what to do.

I can’t mask because of severe hyperacusis. Even low level fans or heaters bother me. And now that I have the electrical tinnitus, nothing will mask the sound anyway. I’ve tested it. It’s such a high frequency that it’s heard over everything. But worst thing about it is that it hurts, too. It’s not just a sound, but a feeling, too. Feels like electricity zapping. It’s a pulsating noise like 2 knives being sharpened against one another. Feels like it’s cutting into the nerves or something. Such pressure and force. And then there are bursts of electricity (zaps). Some describe this, I think, as the train breaks squealing sound. Not sure that their sounds hurt, though. Back when my tinnitus was mild before the latest worsening, I could’ve masked hypothetically if the hyperacusis wasn’t there. You can see what I wrote above to @MindOverMatter about how all this started. Thanks for reaching out.

 

Thanks, @Bennl. I appreciate the feedback and glad you feel less alone. I hope things improve for us soon.

 

@Jerad, you described what some of us have. The knives sharpening... I call it angle grinder, or insect noise for aura lol. When mine is spiked and pulsatile it does what you describe, buzzes the brain and you feel it. Bzz bzzz bzzz bzzz, then with sharpening grinding behind it. It truly sucks, I get breaks from it. I’m sorry man.

The jet engine whine I got from the MRI. I truly believe yours will calm some with time. Just wanted to say some of us know (somewhat) what you are going through and are here for you. I don’t have your severity but I experience episodes some days a week.

 

I hate what tinnitus has done to my thought process too. I spend all my time constantly checking it, thinking about "is it louder, is it softer, is it getting worse, is it getting better". I wonder what my thoughts used to be like before I had tinnitus. I miss what it was like to be so carefree and not have to constantly worry about this intrusive noise.

 

Just imagine all the things we would have thought of doing and done if not for tinnitus.

I hope God saves us.

 

God isn't going to save us from tinnitus. I'm pretty sure God invented tinnitus.

 

You mean as in "Judgement" ? I can see that as I believe in that train of thought.

 

No, I mean as in tinnitus. Hopefully he'll go easier on the judgement because we have tinnitus lol.

 

Does anybody dream about their tinnitus? On days when it's bad, I have dreams about trying to make the noise stop. It's depressing, as even during sleep I get no relief. Which makes my thought process about tinnitus the next day even worse...

 

I do but I worry about protecting my ears from loud sounds. Can't even dream of a normal life.

 

I often have dreams where I'm suddenly in a loud area or club and in my dream I suddenly realize: what am I doing here, I got tinnitus! I need to protect my hearing! Then I wake up and it's just awful.

 

Wow. This is so sad and beautiful at the same time.

I hope there will come a time when you will write about things that bring you happiness, not pain.

 

Thanks, @aura. I hope so, too. I believe that time will eventually come.

 

Interesting post. You are not alone. Thinking of the past before tinnitus Is rough. All the what ifs. Scrutinizing ever tiny choice that would have left us possibly tinnitus free is something I couldn't help but do either.

Your post nailed it though. Let's pray for a cure or spontaneous relief somehow.

 

I really feel sorry about you getting this condition at such a young age isn’t easy at all, as a 24-year-old who just graduated from college and started a new job, I, myself don’t know how much I will be able to sustain the new job before I get fired due to tinnitus. No hearing loss nor acoustic trauma incident, it just happened randomly after getting an earwax removal.

And I don’t wish this condition to anybody regardless of the age, but I would have preferred getting it at 50+ years since I would have had much more in savings account, would probably be married, with kids, and would have already enjoyed a significant portion of my life.

But since I can’t enjoy life, every single day I wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.

I hope that your tinnitus went away or at least improved drastically. I just had a dream recently where I acquired tinnitus in the summer before my senior year of high school, and I was running like crazy with my mom to find a cure so that I could enjoy my senior year to the max, only to find out that there was no cure. I woke in tears. Life is so unfair.