I Hate What Tinnitus Has Done to My Thought Process

Discussion in 'Support' started by FakeBeans, Dec 27, 2021.

    1. FakeBeans
      Suicidal

      FakeBeans Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sinus infection most likely
      Hi y'all. I am sure that I am not going to say anything new but I just want to voice my frustrations to some people who will (hopefully) listen.

      So I am currently year 12 in high school (a senior if I am not mistaken) and as every kid about to graduate high school I have a few important life events coming up: going to university and consequently moving to another city, finding new friends in that city, the senior ball and probably some others that I can't remember off of the top of my head.

      Everyone seems to be losing their marbles over those events except for me. I couldn't care less about any of those things except for getting accepted into university. I am also going bonkers over that.

      But I digress.

      I don't care about most things my peers care about and instead I worry about whether my tinnitus will allow me to get an adequate amount of sleep tonight, whether I will be able to finish my studies for the day, whether I will be able to relax without being too bothered by it, etc. Everytime I get a cold/flu I am worried that the spike caused by it will stay with me forever. I hate that.

      I wish that worrying whether I'd find a partner for the ball was still the biggest problem in my head. I am slowly running out of fuel and to be honest if I am not accepted into university I will just give up on everything. I feel like I can't sustain any meaningful life anymore. Nothing charges me with a desire to continue on. I am sorry if this wasn't the type of post you guys wanted to see around new year but I really needed to get this off of my chest.
       
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    2. BrOKeN_1

      BrOKeN_1 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      High Frequency Hearing Loss
      Believe me... This sentiment is not lost on this community. We all wish there was a magic wand we could wave. But alas fate has not allowed us that grace as of now. I hope you can find the will power and endurance to accept your current condition and not let it lead all your future endeavors. I believe life can still be awesome even with this Neverending story in our heads.

      Best wishes.
       
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    3. Brian P

      Brian P Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ménière’s disease
      I hear you. This puts you into survival mode when it gets bad. It’s tough to concentrate and it has actually cost me my job now that it has gotten severe from the vaccine. If it isn’t bothering you too much and you don’t have hyperacusis, protect your ears as much as you can so it won’t worsen and be careful of drugs.
       
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    4. Vicki14
      Panicky

      Vicki14 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress
      @Brian P, so sorry this has cost you your job.

      How was your tinnitus pre vaccine? What has it done to change it? I haven’t taken it for that reason but had COVID-19 in July and my tinnitus has spiked too.
       
    5. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      FakeBeans
      Suicidal

      FakeBeans Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sinus infection most likely
      My tinnitus hasn't been changed by the vaccine.
       
    6. Brian P

      Brian P Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ménière’s disease
      My tinnitus was a 1/10 pre vaccine. It shot it to a 9/10 and 12/10 during spikes. I also developed insane hyperacusis from the vaccine where it spikes to sheets and swallowing. I was put on Klonopin and steroids. Tapering from Klonopin made it even worse. I’ve lost all sound tolerance.
       
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    7. Vicki14
      Panicky

      Vicki14 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress
      That’s great to hear! :)
       
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    8. Vicki14
      Panicky

      Vicki14 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress
      I’m so very sorry to hear that. It’s almost like we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t with this thing. There seems to be no right thing to do as everyone Varys so much. I understand how upsetting this is for you. I’m there too. I hope we have better days ahead x
       
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    9. SB1981

      SB1981 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Multifactorial
      How are you @Brian P? We haven’t heard from you in awhile. Has your sound tolerance improved at all?
       
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    10. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      I understand. I have severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. They’ve changed the way I look at everything—and I mean everything. Sunsets. The stars. The beauties of this world. Its graceful love and delicacies; its sweet aromas; its warmth and promise; its touch and intimacies. Those I’ve lost; severed relationships. I feel robbed and sad. I no longer recognize my home; myself; my mind; a stranger lurks within. I no longer recognize time itself—the good ol’ days are bygone treasures; the present lies in desolation, like a barren wasteland; the future, I fear, will die in vain. Memories are all but forgotten, like constituents of torment, as I ponder what I did and didn’t do; what I could've done to avoid these disasters. Old wounds are reopened, traumas rehashed, like “demons” in the night. How am I supposed to live like this, where the tinnitus feels like constant electricity, causing physical and emotional pain? It’s not just a sound, no, it’s a feeling, too, like electrical currents shocking me nonstop. How am I supposed to endure this hell? And with hyperacusis so severe... I’m praying to God because I’m feeling so hopeless. I do believe in God.

      Tinnitus and hyperacusis are special kinds of evil. For those afflicted by them, solutions can seem hopeless and out-of-reach. Problem is, there are too many unknowns with these conditions. Their cause and mechanisms-at-play pose too many questions. They guard their secrets quite effectively, in almost conniving and heartless ways. When trying to treat them or find a cure, they often outsmart us at every turn, every corner, making things worse and worse. Trying a treatment or medication is like playing a deadly game. Some get relief; some get worse... permanently. It’s very individual. I, personally, am in such a state that I’m afraid to try any treatment. One wrong move, a permanent worsening could happen. That’s been my experience anyway. And this takes me to my next point: the inescapable trauma.

      Tinnitus and hyperacusis infiltrate the mind. They attack the psyche at its greatest depths. Memories become catalysts of pain, even the good ones; those pleasant, now a source of heartache, as the past takes on new meaning, redefined by the trauma as it lingers and lingers; choices made, journeys sought, life-defining moments... they’re all put on trial. Had I done this, per se, I might’ve been okay. Had I done that, perhaps, the future would be different. It would be good, survivable; it would be livable. Had I married that girl, it would’ve taken me down a different path, free of the wrath of tinnitus/hyperacusis. Had I moved out-of-state for that job... it’s endless. These conditions, this is what they do to us... the torment. The slaughterhouse. Any life would be better than this, right? Even if I married the wrong person or took the wrong path. Anything would be better than this hell on earth. This is what they do to us. They’re diabolical.

      There are different grades of “demons.” Lightweights. Heavyweights. Intellectuals. Some strong; manipulative. Some heavy-handed and quite oppressive. They’ll eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then throw you up for second helpings. Some are just too powerful and devour your life to the core, leaving nothing untouched or unclaimed, as they nibble on every facet until nothing’s left. Tinnitus and hyperacusis, at their worst, make you feel that way.

      I’ve lost relationships due to severe tinnitus/hyperacusis. My best friend and brother, I no longer see much. His voice causes me severe pain. I’m unable to have meaningful conversations with him. Soul-crushing shit. We used to hangout a lot. I feel guilty and sad that I’ve caused all this, even though it was accidental. I feel responsible. I lost my best friend. :( And he doesn’t quite understand; the empathy doesn’t register. Those who haven’t seen the “demons” can’t understand them. Not even words can truly describe their depravity. One must be under their spell or possession to see the all-encompassing hellfire, a destructive force beyond measure; one we wish on no one. Only God Himself can save us. And I have to believe He will.
       
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    11. MindOverMatter

      MindOverMatter Member

      Location:
      Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004/05
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown (possibly stress related, and later sound induced)
      @Jerad, it hurts my soul to read how tormented you are due to this condition.

      I feel you, and I know how devastating it can be. The feeling of having your life literally robbed from you.

      How long have you had it this bad? Do you get any follow up what so ever by anyone qualified within the field?

      It's really tough going through all this on your own.

      It's absolutely okay to grieve. Grief over a lost life. But things can still get better. There is always hope for brighter days. I'm sure God still have plans for you.

      No one deserves this, and I wouldn't wish my worst enemy going through it. But remember, even though there are some lost connections for now, this is not your fault. You are not responsible for this.
       
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    12. Bennl

      Bennl Member

      Location:
      Netherlands
      Tinnitus Since:
      2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise-induced
      @Jerad, you have encapsulated everything tinnitus and hyperacusis does in your post. You have a wonderful way with words albeit in this case with a very sad context. Reading it made me feel less alone for tonight. Thank you.
       
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    13. MindOverMatter

      MindOverMatter Member

      Location:
      Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004/05
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown (possibly stress related, and later sound induced)
      Well put. Couldn't agree more.
       
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    14. RadioKid722

      RadioKid722 Member

      Location:
      NJ, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      01/22/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication
      @Jerad, do you use masking? What about at night? What procedures have you tried for your tinnitus?
       
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    15. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      Thanks, @MindOverMatter. I appreciate the feedback. I had mild tinnitus for 20 years, but things got worse last fall.

      I tried Turmeric for back pain. It’s a herb that many say helps tinnitus, but it caused a huge relapse in my hyperacusis. And created a morse code tinnitus tone.

      I tried sound therapy a few weeks later with headphones because I always did fine with white noise generators in the past (TRT). But my WNGs broke, so I tried headphones at the lowest volume level for 90 minutes a day. I didn’t realize they were different. That caused a huge pulsating hum to develop in my left ear after 4 days. Hum was vibrational, too.

      A few months later, I developed leg ulcers that somehow got infected. I avoided antibiotics because of my fear of them. The ER had me use topical Neosporin for a few days. That caused a tinnitus/hyperacusis spike, created a few new tones.

      I tried to avoid taking anything further because of all these reactions, but the ulcers kept getting worse. So I researched a lot and found that colloidal silver was supposed to be safe—no tinnitus reactions reported and some said it even helps. I did a topical (not oral at all). But after 8 days, that led to the development of the electrical shocks/hissing/zapping tinnitus. Causes physical pain, like electrical currents zapping me constantly. It caused jet engine/static to develop, too.

      Most meds are very individual with tinnitus and can help, or hurt. Being super sensitive like I am, I’m afraid now to try anything. Not sure what to do. I feel so traumatized that I’m just hoping God can provide healing or take me away from here by other means. It’s too much to endure with severe tinnitus/hyperacusis. There’s no respite. This constant electricity shocking me and extreme sound sensitivity is torture. I can’t even be around loved ones anymore because their voices cause me pain, even when I’m wearing double protection. It’s literally destroyed everything. Absolutely diabolical. And nobody seems to understand it, so you don’t get much sympathy. I’m supposed to try hearing aids with minor amplification soon. Some with tinnitus/hyperacusis report they help a lot. I’m seeing an audiologist that has a lot of experience. I’m afraid, though, because some report worsening using them. It’s like we can’t try anything without huge risks. Dunno what to do.
      I can’t mask because of severe hyperacusis. Even low level fans or heaters bother me. And now that I have the electrical tinnitus, nothing will mask the sound anyway. I’ve tested it. It’s such a high frequency that it’s heard over everything. But worst thing about it is that it hurts, too. It’s not just a sound, but a feeling, too. Feels like electricity zapping. It’s a pulsating noise like 2 knives being sharpened against one another. Feels like it’s cutting into the nerves or something. Such pressure and force. And then there are bursts of electricity (zaps). Some describe this, I think, as the train breaks squealing sound. Not sure that their sounds hurt, though. Back when my tinnitus was mild before the latest worsening, I could’ve masked hypothetically if the hyperacusis wasn’t there. You can see what I wrote above to @MindOverMatter about how all this started. Thanks for reaching out.
       
    16. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      Thanks, @Bennl. I appreciate the feedback and glad you feel less alone. I hope things improve for us soon.
       
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    17. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      @Jerad, you described what some of us have. The knives sharpening... I call it angle grinder, or insect noise for aura lol. When mine is spiked and pulsatile it does what you describe, buzzes the brain and you feel it. Bzz bzzz bzzz bzzz, then with sharpening grinding behind it. It truly sucks, I get breaks from it. I’m sorry man.

      The jet engine whine I got from the MRI. I truly believe yours will calm some with time. Just wanted to say some of us know (somewhat) what you are going through and are here for you. I don’t have your severity but I experience episodes some days a week.
       
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    18. RadioKid722

      RadioKid722 Member

      Location:
      NJ, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      01/22/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication
      I hate what tinnitus has done to my thought process too. I spend all my time constantly checking it, thinking about "is it louder, is it softer, is it getting worse, is it getting better". I wonder what my thoughts used to be like before I had tinnitus. I miss what it was like to be so carefree and not have to constantly worry about this intrusive noise.
       
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    19. KoolKat

      KoolKat Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      HeadPhones/ Noise induced
      Just imagine all the things we would have thought of doing and done if not for tinnitus.

      I hope God saves us.
       
    20. RadioKid722

      RadioKid722 Member

      Location:
      NJ, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      01/22/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication
      God isn't going to save us from tinnitus. I'm pretty sure God invented tinnitus.
       
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    21. John Holmes

      John Holmes Member

      Location:
      Michigan USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      1990
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      landscaping machinery
      You mean as in "Judgement" ? I can see that as I believe in that train of thought.
       
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    22. RadioKid722

      RadioKid722 Member

      Location:
      NJ, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      01/22/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication
      No, I mean as in tinnitus. Hopefully he'll go easier on the judgement because we have tinnitus lol.
       
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    23. RadioKid722

      RadioKid722 Member

      Location:
      NJ, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      01/22/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication
      Does anybody dream about their tinnitus? On days when it's bad, I have dreams about trying to make the noise stop. It's depressing, as even during sleep I get no relief. Which makes my thought process about tinnitus the next day even worse...
       
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    24. Rockman

      Rockman Member Benefactor

      Location:
      MN
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise, allergy
      I do but I worry about protecting my ears from loud sounds. Can't even dream of a normal life.
       
    25. Bennl

      Bennl Member

      Location:
      Netherlands
      Tinnitus Since:
      2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise-induced
      I often have dreams where I'm suddenly in a loud area or club and in my dream I suddenly realize: what am I doing here, I got tinnitus! I need to protect my hearing! Then I wake up and it's just awful.
       
    26. aura

      aura Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Romania
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Wow. This is so sad and beautiful at the same time.

      I hope there will come a time when you will write about things that bring you happiness, not pain.
       
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    27. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      Thanks, @aura. I hope so, too. I believe that time will eventually come.
       
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    28. Gman45

      Gman45 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Oklahoma USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/13/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Concussion or ETD
      Interesting post. You are not alone. Thinking of the past before tinnitus Is rough. All the what ifs. Scrutinizing ever tiny choice that would have left us possibly tinnitus free is something I couldn't help but do either.

      Your post nailed it though. Let's pray for a cure or spontaneous relief somehow.
       
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