I Wanted to Rant My Feelings — My Life Has Fallen Apart

Yesterday marked 5 months since my onset. Since my onset, my life has fallen apart. Everyday, I think of suicide, every morning, I wake up stressed and annoyed, and throughout the day I am daydreaming of, if I cure, I will do this and that, and I also think if I do not cure, I want to die. I truly don’t want to live this way. Why is the only one life we have, so hard to live?! Each day is so hard. I have cut off all my friends, I no longer go out, I no longer date, I no longer care about studying, and I no longer enjoy working out.

I plan on finishing the 1 year and a half of University to start a career and have money to be able to see what’s out there that may help tinnitus. If nothing works, I doubt I’ll keep wanting to live this misery.

I also doubt I will habituate. I am a very anxious person and life won’t be easy for me as I easily fear and can’t let go of fears. I fear of noises making tinnitus worse, so I rather have my ear plugs and not hear restaurant or store noises and that’s really isolating and depressing. When I do see that the noise is okay, I don’t wear ear plugs but am always nervous of a loud noise.

I use hearing aids but no longer wear them when going out because if a loud noise happens, I have to take them out and put ear plugs in and that’s time wasted.

I’m just stuck on how to go about. I hate this. Life was so much easier being care free. The only string I have in me, is the hope of a cure.

I see everyone around me going out, being happy, & progressing in life while I watch my miserable life pass by.

 

You can simply cover your ears with your hearing aids in. Your aids aren't going to amplify "surprise loud events" that don't give you time to cover.

 

I don’t think that’s really enough though :/ I found the spot where the noise would go into my aid, but I think earmuffs would be a greater help /:

 

I’m sorry Strive. The only hopeful thing for you is that by the time you’re 30 this may be universally cured so try to stay strong. Impossible at times I know and I understand better than anyone how bitterly miserable it is watching friends go about their careers and enjoying their kids and families and dating, going on holidays and to parties while you are literally fighting for your life whilst being attacked by screaming noise day and night.

I only wish all these people had a glimpse of how incredibly awful this is and how the fact we are resisting suicide and still fighting for life is almost a miracle of human resilience in the face of the unthinkable.

But then again what would it change?! They still cant save or cure us. We are truly in the land of the damned and like you I do not believe in habituation. I think people stick to this term when the actual volume drops for all manner of self serving reasons.

You know I’m not going to lie to you or give you bullshit but know you don’t suffer alone and you really do have time on your side if you can hang in there. You might get a second chance in your late 20’s and then you will be really able to kick ass with the experience of all this behind you.....You’ll be a f***ing force of nature girl.

 

Like I said, the noise that goes into your aid isn't going to be passed through or amplified to any dangerous levels. I personally wouldn't worry about it (and I don't - I wear HA too).

 

You know how to perfectly put this whole nightmare into words for a better understanding. Though, we all know what it’s like to live this nightmare. I really hope things only begin to ease for us. HOPEFULLY a true cure will save us all. Shit, it’ll be amazing to get a 2nd chance at life! We would be the most appreciative, strong and confident persons. Thank you for your kind words. As well, I wish you the best and I hope you keep hanging on to life, hopefully MuteButton will save us while we wait on a cure. Thank you Bam I wish you well in life also. Hopefully we can keep pushing forward :/