My Story So Far — Tinnitus from Leaf Blower Incident After Years of Rock Guitar Playing

@GeorgeLG, I completely agree with you about mind-body inseparability. Emotional trauma can indeed trigger or exacerbate a condition such as tinnitus. Grief for example, in its myriad forms can be a factor. You mention "being hyper vigilant, a little OCD, wound up, etc." My own hunch is that people who experience tinnitus discomfort can be co-morbid, or on the same spectrum as those who experience hypochondria, depression, OCD, mild autism, self-absorption etc.

Peter

 

Indeed, there is a common thread for many of us. I think the stigma attached to some of these conditions prevents help and healing which is unfortunate. These are treatable health conditions not defects that make us less worthy human beings but somehow any conditions involving our thoughts has been made into something that we don’t talk about or is embarrassing. Suffering is suffering, period.

I have some level of OCD, it helped make me good at my engineering job but this is not an asset here. I remember the exact onset of this condition. I was ten and my mother and I had gone into hiding from my grandfather who was trying to harm us. We fell into poverty, I had to work after school to help pay for food and I had to testify against my own grandfather in court. The whole thing traumatized me so much that OCD started. I did not make this connection until I was exploring these issues as an adult but doing so has helped me. My wife also read a book on OCD so that she could understand me better and help.

One person goes to the cupboard and grabs a can of soup without thinking about it. Another stops and thinks, all these labels need to be facing forward and can’t stop until it’s all in order. We all think and process uniquely. My elderly widow neighbor recently got latched onto a reflection from a metal covered science experiment 200 yards/meters across the lake in a neighbors yard. She went into utter panic mode and started texting me continuously - “Why is that thing pointed at me, I hate that thing, why won’t they take it away, this is horrible ...” I looked out the back and had to search around to find it. The panic went on for hours, she was utterly consumed with this new thing that “didn’t belong there”. She could not unsee this thing. Sure it was not rational to have so much fear about something that could not harm her but she was suffering so I tried to help her. I told this story to my mother-in-law at dinner that night and she said “I hope she does not get tinnitus because she would never get any peace” (my poor mother has to listen to my theories all the time like I write here. Lol).

I think that some of these personality traits are an asset in certain situations like jobs that require extreme attention to detail (as it was for me) or in emergency conditions that require hyperfocus and quick resourceful thinking. My wife used to always say, whenever there is an emergency I want to be standing next to George. Those same traits however do not serve us well here and some unlearning/rewiring is in order to settle the whole thing down and reduce suffering. It sure is true for me and this has worked for me here and for chronic pain in the past.

George

 

Update:

One week ago I had a large cancerous mass removed from my chest that was covering my heart. It was about a three hour operation with general anesthesia, two nights in the hospital and then recovery at home. I have tinnitus and hyperacusis that results in severe left ear pain from normal sound levels. In addition a number of drugs, supplements and foods spike my tinnitus so this process was filled with opportunities for problems. Here is my experience.

Just before checking in I inserted foam ear plugs. They would not allow earmuffs. I refused any extra drugs, cleaning wipes etc if I thought it was a risk worth taking but stuck with things that seemed necessary. So no wiping down with chemical disinfectant wipes, no extra sedation before the operating room, etc. In the operating room I had a breathing gas and general anesthesia. I don’t don’t know the drugs except IV Fentanyl. In recovery I got Dilaudid, IV Tylenol, a muscle relaxer similar to Flexeril and Oxycodone. In the hospital room I got an IV antibiotic I never heard of, Oxycodone, Tylenol and Ibuprofen. I asked that all machines be placed next to the side with my undamaged ear and put in standby mode so they made no local noises and transmitted all data to the central desk for monitoring. One machine was set up on my bad side while I was sleeping and went off with a failure alarm which caused ear pain but no other sound events did any damage.

My tinnitus spiked in the hospital and was at an all time high level but as the drugs left my system, my tinnitus started to go down. The only drug that spiked it then was Oxycodone. At home my tinnitus spiked from the Oxycodone just like the hospital but I got rigid of that stuff after one day at home and have been toughing out the pain with Ibuprofen alone. My tinnitus baseline is probably higher but seems to be dropping towards pre-surgery levels. There certainly was no major permanent increase in baseline. I had no choice, the tumor had to come out so I managed it the best I could and then went along for the ride.

So far I seem to have gotten through everything in pretty good shape. The only thing that remains is constant ear pain even without sound exposures, only time will tell if that’s permanent or will go away as I heal. I’m still pretty beat up and exhausted at the one week mark so it will probably be at least a month before I am mostly healed and off all drugs.

George

 

Hello @GeorgeLG, I wish you a speedy recovery.

Sending you all my prayers x

 

Thank you @Eleanor89, that’s very sweet.

George

 

An update.

My journey started with tinnitus then followed later by hyperacusis and finally and most devastating - noxacusis, ear pain from normal sounds. The single most tragic result for me was that I then went for an entire year without being able to record any music, the only joy in my life since my dear wife passed away from cancer at age 54 and me facing the same fate in parallel. In the beginning I could not even play any instruments. I went through the usual process of learning various protection schemes, pushing things without protection and having terrible spikes and set backs and starting to get really discouraged about the entire affair. The usual “what if” thinking started to creep in and I began to wonder if this is it, am I left with no options for any joy in my life? The visit to the ENT resulted in the usual advice to go home and live with it but not before a 21 day course of antibiotics gave me a raging C Diff bowel infection that really screwed up my intestines. The GI doc told me that it could have easily killed me. Then a scan for my first cancer discovered a totally new tumor covering my heart that needed to be removed because it was starting to affect my breathing. So I was sitting in my house depressed, my first cancer marching to the end, a new rare cancer in my chest and no music. A pretty fucking bleak situation.

I don’t want to rehash my whole story because I have told most of it more than once here and in other threads but an important development has occurred that I want to share. Here is a quick recap of the journey so far and the latest development:

Eventually my years of training and experience kicked in and I started working on my emotional reaction to and management of the beast and the result was that I don’t care about tinnitus anymore. It’s still there and some days loud as hell with a symphony of different sounds some days but it doesn’t bother any more. About twice a month it keeps me from falling asleep for about an hour but that’s about it. The Back to Silence thread is a good place to start to get an idea of the process here.

I made all the usual mistakes with protection and had many unforecasted exposures from home and car alarms, loud vehicles, dropping glass plates onto the tile floor, etc. The gas station was the absolute worst, People with ultra loud vehicles racing from the intersection at full throttle while I stand under that acoustic amplifier roof over my head. I finally developed a set of procedures that catches almost all of that stuff. Ear defenders in every car and in the house. Foam and musician earplugs everywhere. No protection when it’s pretty safe but I saddle up for every routine with a high risk for an exposure. Ear defenders at the gas station, earplugs for the dishes and in the shower, etc. The result is way less exposures and spikes. As important was getting my head right about exposures and spikes. Now I just say to myself, that’s life, the world is noisy and this too shall pass like they all do. Now when I have an exposure I mount up the protection and go outside to do some big project to stay busy and divert my attention elsewhere. A spike now results in something positive, an accomplishment. Yesterday at the cancer clinic a car alarm went off right next to me but I had foam ear plugs in and the spike was short lived.

I researched vitamin and mineral deficiencies that would explain every problem that I am having and then went and got blood tests done. Some results were unexpected in that deficiencies that I thought I had I did not but two important ones were confirmed. Vitamin D and B12. I have been correcting those and following my progress with blood work. This has helped a number of issues including my hearing troubles.

What remained was the “beast” for me - ear pain from normal sounds. We’re talking pain in my left ear and up and down the left side of my head and neck with severe burning inside my brain like from acid. Some flare ups initially lasted weeks. This was much harder to solve, much harder to get my emotions in a positive space, much harder to develop a positive attitude. One day when I was feeling sorry for myself I was envisioning what the best possible development would be in my life, what would bring the most joy to my limited remaining years and the answer was to finish my humble little home recording studio upgrade and get back to music. So I got up off my ass and went back to finishing that project not knowing really if I would ever be able to use it. I decided to follow my own advice and be passionate for what I wanted, not what I don’t want. I figured that the mere presence of the studio would force me to work all of this out. My brain is plastic, if I want this bad enough I’ll figure it out. There were days when I thought, man this is really nuts but I treated it like a NASCAR driver that aims for the crash and floors it.

I also did more research on unexplained ear pain and studied the nervation through the neck and head. I saw me in a lot of what I read about forward head posture, TMJ and ear pain so I went to work on that coordinating with my chiropractor to correct my posture and that has yielded positive results. He commented the other day, wow keep doing what your doing because I see positive changes in your spine that I didn’t believe were possible for you.

Boy did I make some mistakes with some setbacks and spikes but I kept saying I don’t give a shit, this will pass and so what’s another way I can do this to be able to record. I finally developed a process that works. I have to take breaks and respect my ears telling me we are done for today and a lot of steps are more difficult but I just finished my first new song in a year and another one will be out this weekend. I am back to doing what I love, with limitations and restrictions. I will finish my album, the most important thing on my bucket list. Ironically the layoff was good for my musicianship because I learned how to play the piano and drums, bucket list items for the last 40 years. I was in the studio last night until 4am mixing my current song even after chemo yesterday which usually floors me for three days every month.

I still have tinnitus, hyperacusis and noxacusis but the effect on my life is vastly reduced and I am back doing what I love with limitations. Behind all of this is my metastatic cancer which cannot be cured and I got bad news about this at Mayo Clinic yesterday so this is setting the pace for me but I am still here and so more good days are still possible. I won’t get as many remaining days as most people will but I am determined to get as many good days as I possibly can. I tell tinnitus all the time to kiss my ass and get in line behind cancer. Actually I usually say F&$k you but my potty mouth is probably not the best approach for most of us here but it works for me, I had a pretty rough upbringing.

I know that some people suffer terribly from all of this and I know that anything that worked for me might not work for others but I do believe that almost every single person can get relief and can get more joy back in their life no matter how bad this is. For the 1% that will not get relief, I grieve for your suffering and am sorry for all of this, I am sorry for your fate. For those that can still see possibilities, that still have some fight left, you can get better, you can live a better life with this even if it doesn’t get cured. I have overcome so many obstacles in my life and am living with so many challenges that can’t be cured and yet my life is better now than when my ear problems started. You have the ability to make this better, you have more power than you know over the suffering from tinnitus. We just have to help you find that power, to get you to believe it. To have passion for what you want. That and I believe that we can even help some of the 1% and make that 0.5%.

I write this as I am passing through my monthly three days of chemo hell because I said what can I get out of today, how can I make this a better day even though I feel like a truck ran over me and I decided to come here and help people if I can, something my wife taught me. Be in the service of others no matter how bad your situation is.

Humbly,
George

 

I always enjoy reading your posts @GeorgeLG, your resolve is unparalleled. I wish I had an ounce of the courage that you've consistently shown. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

 

Thank you, life is quite a wild ride.

George

 

Wow, you’re a beast. Not sure how you do it... amazing.

 

Both my parents were tough as hell and expected me to take care of business. My father in particular fought in two wars and was in construction. He started taking me to the job site at age 10 and taught me how to work hard. They made me depression era tough. You want something, you go earn it because nobody is going to do it for you. Sometimes it was too much and they fought like hell, married and divorced twice but they did make me tough. I had to learn relationships and how to treat people elsewhere.

George

 

Thanks George. I fell asleep with YouTube on my cell phone, I'm freaked out since phone was close to my ear for around an hour.

All the things you describe are identical to me except no chemo.

I checked my last post in June. I was doing ok.

Unfortunately there is no way to protect from dental work, drilling, and I've got numerous fillings with chips and need repair frequently. My new dentist discovered a cavity under the filling, that took a lot of drilling. I push Clonazepam in such situations to suppress the spike. Currently it is two months since my last posting and I've gotten worse.

I will take your inspiration.

I do anticipate the situation as much as possible, use noise cancelling headset a lot, sometimes musician's hearing protection, occasionally foam earplugs. I'm very cautious when doing dishes. Our house fire alarm went off and I thought it was emergency so I didn't have time to put on protection, so I've had a few adverse events, which I've had before.

I try to adopt your attitude, the emotional reaction, work on emotional reaction. I too have had to learn interpersonal skills, such as reparenting therapy, I was dealt a bad hand, so I make the best of it.

I've moved to a quiet place, which is tough, people enjoy their loud trucks and Harley, good grief.

 

All we can do is protect when the risk is high and then roll with life. The world is noisy and so exposures are inevitable. Spikes come and go so we need to stay relaxed and tell ourselves that this will calm down.

Funny you should bring up the dentist, I am finally going after a three year layoff so I don't lose him. Been thinking about the "plan" if I need work. Hope he is in the mood to listen and understand.

George

 

I'm actually finding the hyperacusis is not that acutely bad as long as I get good rest.

I've been supplementing or fortifying my diet with probiotic fermented buckwheat sprouts. I prepare that at home, it's very easy.

I've been taking 50 mg Agomelatine and I find that so far it is great for sleep, besides all the other things I do.

I notice I just got a nine year trophy, so not giving up, and periodically checking Tinnitus Talk. Something is working. I even shook off a COVID-19 from hell that spiked the tinnitus and gave me brain fog, like forever.

 

@object16, I’m glad that you keep looking for ways to improve your situation. Stay focused on working towards your goals.

George

 

Some thoughts:

All of this is my experience plus observation for the last 68 years. Let's get a few things out of the way. No one approach helps everyone. No two people have the same level of suffering. No two people will have the same trajectory. If you're in the 1% club and my words cannot help you, I am deeply sorry for your suffering. My only goal here is to help people, I mean no disrespect. That said, my opinion after decades of tackling chronic illness and unspeakable loss and getting past most of it in one piece are:

Illness, loss and chronic conditions will visit most of us at some point. There are some charmed lives I suppose but this is not most of us, certainly not here. Life is a great ride but there are bumps along the way. It's the human condition, You can and should have a great life but there will be work along the way. It's not about being dealt a perfect hand, it's about playing the hand we are dealt the very best we can.

All throughout human history there have been those that triumph from crushing challenges, they just never give up. I have been inspired and read often of such people. Since I was a little kid I always thought that I want to be like those people, the ones that never give up. I read my first story about human triumph at age 9 and have never stopped.

We have a great impact on how our life turns out, we make our own own luck to a very great extent. When loss or illness strikes, how we relate to those challenges will have a profound affect on how things go for us. Our attitude, our resolve our commitment to overcoming adversity will define our lives.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family without love, kindness and respect. I learned early on that for me life was every man and woman (and kid) for themselves. My family fell into poverty and we had to go into hiding from a family member trying to harm us. This is when I developed OCD, various ticks, panic attacks, stomach problems, constant nightmares, a fear of people and great anxiety about family. I was 10 years old. I had to work 7 days a week to provide my family with money for food and rent. While all this was going on I was brutally bullied at school, getting beat up and humiliated often. I contemplated suicide at one point. The cavalry was not coming. I had to learn to be tough to survive. Sensing this, my parents sent me to self defense school, my father started taking me to the construction site to toughen up and work among tough guys all day and I grew to be tall, strong and confident. That and my Polish-Ukrainian heritage kicked in and now I was battle hardened and much tougher. This would become critical for times like these when pain and loss would visit me often. I still had to learn how to be kind and compassionate, to respect and love others. That would come later but for now I was able to handle life and any bullshit that came my way. By now I thought, you give an obstacle and I am going to knock it down. Nobody and no thing was ever going to f&*k with me again. I needed to knock some of those rough edges off later but this served me well for now. Life had already handed me some pretty tough stuff and there would be more to come but out of this I was able to have a great life, successful at my work and eventually had 22 fantastic years with a living angel here on earth. I had to learn how to overcome adversity, not wait for life to hand me an easy path.​

Why am I telling you all of this? Because tinnitus is somewhat unique among chronic conditions. Its a 24/7 assault on our inner peace, a massive loss of control and in the beginning, there is no break. It's hard to ignore, it frays our nerves and it gets worse with the inevitable stress. I have also noticed that it co-exists with other conditions of the mind for so many who come here (like me). Depression, anxiety, panic attacks and so forth. I don't know the cause and effect relationship with all of these things, I will leave that to the professionals but what it tells me is that our mind and emotions are heavily involved in this process for many if not most of us. Our brains have to make up, perceive and report the sounds and noises. Our brain is involved in the entire process. If great adversity can be overcome by our attitude and resolve, what is the potential here?

There is no cure for tinnitus just like there is no cure for my stage 4 cancer. I hope some day to wake up and read that cures have arrived, I hope that for all of us and for those still struggling after I leave this earth but for now as I learned so many years ago as a child, the cavalry ain't comin'. It's up to us. So what will we do about this infernal noise in our heads, dispassionate ENTs, friends and family members and no cure? Sitting in our houses, protecting from life, worrying about the future. What will we do?

I will not enter the severity wars but will just describe my condition. 24/7 loud bilateral tinnitus that varies constantly. Hissing, buzzing, typerwriters, popping, morse code, ... That and pain hyperacusis from totally normal sound levels. I was shocked at first, scared about this new demon in my head and came here almost immediately. My ENT made me worse and told me to go home and live with it and family members said oh that, its no big deal. Today tinnitus is always there but I don't care about it anymore, it does not affect my life, I have managed my pain hyperacusis much better and have returned to about half of my prior activities and have many good days from this. How did this happen, how did I start to get better? What did I learn about this condition?

I will post a follow up since this is already very long and I have pretty big fatigue from cancer chemotherapy this week. I am sending love to all my brothers and sisters who suffer here, I will post my remaining thoughts soon

George

 

Thanks for sharing your life story and getting stronger from bad things that happened to you. We all need that mindset with tinnitus & hyperacusis. Wishing you all the best George.

 

Thank you, we’re all in this together. What other choice do we have? We can get strong together.

George

 

What a nice thought of compassion.

 

Years ago I came across the concept of trauma causing chronic illness and through this work I dealt with a number of horrible childhood traumas and that process made me much healthier, free of most chronic illnesses for over 3 decades. Watching my wife die in the hospital and the subsequent grief has traumatized me again, a form of PTSD and the chronic health problems have followed. I started back exploring the process and have found relief as I have written here many times. More work remains so I have been reading further and have found an exceptional book on trauma - "The Body Keeps the Score" by a working doctor in this area with tremendous experience. This book is probably too long and detailed for most people but I am a retired technical guy and enjoy this stuff so I will pass on what may apply to some of us as I develop these concepts.

One of the basic concepts is one that we all know - fight or flight. A threat causes stress hormones so that we react quickly and don't get eaten by the tiger. In modern society we can get stuck in this mode from modern day stress and the chronic presence of stress hormones such as unnecessary cortisol causes illness. That's the primitive or reptilian brain gone haywire. Not much new there but then he goes on to say that additionally, trauma causes the more advanced portion of the brain to lose its ability to put the stressors in context and make proper decisions about relevance and action. IOW, not only are we on constant high alert (the smoke detector) but we no longer discriminate and filter out unimportant input and senses (the watch tower). I feel even more strongly now that dealing with stress and trauma is a key for improvement for so many of us here including me. I will continue to post as I see relevance to our community.

George

 

Frustrating that we are all so different. Green tea makes me want to hurl and does not do anything positive. Earplugs make me worse. I do find slightly shredded cotton works, to minimize external noise without amping internal tinnitus, but it has the notable disadvantage of falling out.

We are like lamps that need rewiring.

 

Yes and current thinking and research suggests that we have the ability to do just that to get relief.

George

 

I want to thank all of the kind and gracious people who come here to help others and give support and especially to all of those that have been so kind to me personally. Life can sometime deal you some crippling challenges but you can always find grace and compassion and be in the service of others. It is in this suffering that you can find yourself, develop empathy for others and eventually, your real purpose. Be kind to each other and use this forum to support those afflicted, at every level. I love all of my brothers and sisters here.

 

@GeorgeLG, how are you doing these days? You've been visiting the forum, but we have not heard from you in a while.

 

@gameover, thank you for asking.

I have learned to ignore/adapt to my tinnitus probably 90% of the time. My pain hyperacusis is better but not gone. I’ve been very careful with my ears and stopped or modified any old activities that involve loud sounds like power tools and guns. I save my ears for my biggest passion which is recording music. I have learned new ways to do this that have allowed me to create new music again which has been the most positive force in my life. I have found this to be largely a mental exercise for me and my condition. After proper protection it’s been a journey of learning or reinforcing techniques to harness the power of the mind, mostly through reading books and practicing techniques I have learned. That said, I have taken cooking back up again and a varied healthy diet also seems to help my health issues.

The biggest challenges in my life are now the grief and isolation from having lost my wife and three best friends to cancer and facing my own stage 4 cancer. Having cancer, losing my wife and having hearing problems has created more isolation than I expected so I have had to learn to live almost entirely alone which is why my music has become so important to me. Most of my family have serious problems with substance abuse, children, financial issues, jobs and elderly with significant health issues so they are focused on their stressful modern lives. One of my daughters has a new husband and two well behaved, lovely children and so, after some effort on my part to connect, we have established a better relationship that has been wonderful and healthy for me, and her I think. I have removed all other toxic relationships from my life and focus on only healthy relationships, healthy thoughts and continued personal growth. I try to get as many good days as I can. I still see life as a gift and my challenges as things to overcome and adapt to so that I can get the best out of life as I can.

George

 

George, you are an inspiration for many. I have read many of your posts. I can't even begin to comprehend what you have been through.I've stumbled into bad tinnitus + loudness hyperacusis (no pain) due to my ignorance, recklessness and bit of bad luck, which yanked me out of a happy and successful life... wonderful loving wife, good hearted, smart, hardworking kids, great impactful job and career, lots of fun toys, perhaps just not enough time to take advantage of all that... and I feel like giving it all up after 8 months. I really can't do that, need to fight the monster as long as I can.

Chapeau bas! And all the best to you.

 

It is a shock when life throws you a curve ball, especially when that unexpected change takes away something or changes the plan, what you were expecting. When tinnitus and noxacusis first took away my music, I fell into a depression for about 6 months, the loneliness was crushing. That’s OK, you are mourning a loss of sorts, processing what has happened, getting used to a new normal, at least for now. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that it sucks and it’s OK for this to upset you or shock you at first. I encourage you to accept this without blame or anger, especially towards yourself. It’s not anyone’s fault, it just is. Shit happens all throughout our lives, it never goes exactly to plan. We have to be flexible and adapt, we have to be thankful for what we do have, what is available to work with.

One of the biggest threats to happiness is focusing on what we don’t have, comparing our situation to others. For every human on earth there are those with more and less than us so that does not matter. It’s also destructive to focus on the negative past or fear the future. We have to work with and enjoy what we have in this exact moment. Your wife, kids, friends, hobbies, nature, whatever it is. You have to make adjustments and build on that with your new normal. My wife had four different cancers before she died. At one point she could no longer go out in the sun most of the day. At dinner one night she started crying and I asked her what was wrong. She said I ruined your life, we can’t do any of our activities together (boating, fishing, golf, gardening, etc). I said you didn’t ruin my life, you make my life extraordinary, I don’t care about any of that stuff, we will make new hobbies and activities, I just want to be with you. We got about 3 more years together after that and I am grateful for every minute after she got sick.

I think that we have a tendency to destroy our own happiness when challenges come along, to cast blames, be angry, be gripped in fear, give up, etc. Challenges and problems are part of the human condition, this is how it works. The question is, what are we going to do about it? Our intentions, our attitude, our mindset have a great impact on how these things turn out. It changes our body and brain chemistry, it rewires our brains through neuroplacticity, it changes our energy and the energy/people that we attract around us.

When I get down about life taking something from me, I read about amazing human accomplishment in the face of insurmountable odds. Someone who had to face a major shit sandwich and achieved something amazing, seemingly impossible. That reminds me what we can overcome, what we are capable of, what our intentions will do.

This condition is real and it can be devastating especially at first but we can deal with this, we can dust ourselves off, recalibrate and move forward. I was successful at precision pistol shooting before I had to give it up because of my ears. I would get asked about how to get good enough to compete at the highest level and I would say it’s simple. Every time you raise that gun you must have the singular intention to shoot a ten regardless of the last shot, the crappy weather, your sore arm, broken rib, lack of sleep, ... You must put all negative thoughts out of your head and know that you can shoot a ten right now no matter what. Now there are books full of preparation and on equipment and technique which is like us mastering diet, supplements, protection, sleep strategies etc but believe me, the biggest determinant of our outcome is our intention.

I hope all the best for you, that you are able to tame this beast and live along side a reduced version like a slightly annoying neighbor that you don’t think about most of the time. Let’s all go to that place together.

George

 

Great write up @GeorgeLG. I like your view of life, and your reflections on it, and I fully agree.

Every day is not a good day, but we do have a choice to see something good in every day.

 

Thank you for your kind words. Every day is not a good day indeed but if it was easy, anyone could do it.

George

 

Thank you for the wise words. I really admire you. But I find it too hard to apply. I've had a pretty fortunate life so far. I did not have everything exactly how I wanted, but mostly I did. I had never faced huge adversity. Well, there were a few tough moments, or I did not get all the things/reached all the goals I wanted, but the key ones I did. In several cases it took more than one try. And that applied to most aspects of life: education, relationship, job. I guess you could tell I wasn't one to give up easily. Even if I had to adjust my expectations in those repeated attempts.

Tinnitus/hyperacusis are just too big, too cruel for me. I exhibit a lot of traits of OCPD, which does not help. I certainly have had tendency to focus on negatives... everywhere. Which probably pulls me down. Around me, in people, in world. I say I was happy before tinnitus/hyperacusis, but if you met me perhaps you could not tell. I was critical of many things. I did not like people for the most part, more often than not I found people uninteresting, boring, banal, with poor taste and narrow worldview. Annoyingly conforming. But I also met people who I liked and admired. True friendships were scarce. I thought I had a few, mostly from my early formative years, but they did not seem to endure this ordeal, plus the distance and time withered them away (I emigrated after graduating from university a couple of decades ago). I had a great sense of independence - and not necessarily a sense of superiority. I accept people value different things. I just felt comfortable in who I was, what I thought. I carved my niche in life.

Sounds were bothering me for quite some time, I wanted to get away from them by buying a secluded house in the woods, and were very close to doing so, but other factors and priorities (family needs) led me to a less-than-secluded place. It is an incredibly cruel irony or twist of fate that those things that bothered me quite badly (leaf blowers, lawn mowers, fireworks, loud A/C, motorbikes) are now hellishly unbearable.

I was actually conservative and avoided risk-taking and participating in activities that could hurt me. I feared disability. I was quite successful in that you could say (until now) - never even broke a bone, though had a DIY injury before that should have been a warning. For example, I learned to ski and even was teaching kids, but was always apprehensive about it and took things easy. Yet the nightmare I did not even know exists got me. I mentioned it elsewhere, but I am 100% convinced if I even knew about mild tinnitus being caused by loud noise, I'd not be here. Too late for that now.

It is cruel also because I liked to do things with my hands and was pretty good at it. Around house, around cars. Loved music and cinema. Have a huuuuge collection of music and film. Attended concerts regularly (with earplugs for the past 20 years!). Loved sports cars, so that means noise (although I avoided unreasonably loud exhaust modifications). Loved to travel. While I preferred nature, particularly mountains and deserts, I loved visiting cities, including loud ones... this is over now.

Long story short, I'd like to find the strength that you have, George. And you are facing way more adversities than I do. But I don't. I am only enduring and essentially waiting for things to get better, but as time goes, the hope is waning.

 

I wish you all the best. In the end we need to take our journey.

George