Peace ...

The gorilla of depression sits right next to me.
I am not a surgeon, but I am a support engineer and only take the easy cases. But even those are difficult with depression, tension and anxiety.

Thanks to the forum I did not take the herbs, acupuncture etc. road. And thanks to the forum and your outstanding help here, I (and all other sufferers) will hopefully cope with T one day.

 

Quoting Martin:
"And I don't know why. I am sitting here with my boys playing computer games. I have a lovely wife, I have a good social network, friends, football as my hobby, no financial problems. I really try to find out if it is really T and once I have overcome this, things are shining again. There are some good reasons for this. For example after my T onset, I showed no signs of depression. I was optimistic that time will heal or I will habituate. Then I have moments where I feel really good and I really like my life, with or without T."

It is important to recognize the positives in life as you are doing here, Martin. Life is not perfect and one has to learn to accept the imperfections. One thing I learn from Echkart Tolle's The Power of Now is that the ego or the mind has been conditioned erroneously (perhaps from childhood) that it thinks negativity or negative emotion is the way to solve problems facing our life. That may be true when we are young & helpless like in baby/toddler stage. A hungry baby/toddler will cry to draw attention of the parents. Thus we tend to react negatively when hit with problems or challenges even when we reach adulthood. Perhaps there is that primordial influence somewhere. But toddlers can't count the positives but we adults can.

By keeping in mind of the positives, we can counter-balance the tendency to shift into negativity unchecked when life's challenges hit us. Also I learn from CBT that cognitive distortions contribute majorly to affect our moods. I now say no more 'All or Nothing thinking'. The bads and the goods can co-exist peacefully. I say no to distorted thoughts and replace them with more realistic and positive ones. Every T-generated distorted thought is challenged. I follow Dr. Nagler's advice in his 'Letter to a Tinnitus Sufferer' by writing down the thoughts and challenging them. I wrote up many WORD documents like that. These documents are on my desktop and I read them often during the day.

I also learn from the late Darlene Cohen the beautiful approach of 'finding joy amid the pain', where she basically advocates facing up to the pain and enjoying life abundantly regardless, and making no preferences one sensation from the other. Basically she is suggesting flowing with life too and in a more philosophical way.

These are precious new life's skills I learn since the onset of T. T forced me to cope with new skills and the old ones tend to be negative and depressing. That was why I suffered anxiety/panic disorders and episodes of depression for decades. So I basically reprogram my brain (I am a programmer by trade, LOL) to take on the positive approach and learning to accept things and flowing with the vicissitudes of life. It has helped to improve the quality of my life greatly and of course it helps to moderate my reaction to T too.

 

Dr Nagler I know you suffered a lot.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to belittle your experience.
What I wanted to say that eventually you were lucky to come across dr jastrebof and get proper treatment.
Just wondering how many more people I have to see before I find some relief?
So far it's failure after failure!
What is your opinion on my experience with audiologist?

 

That's just it, @valeri. I wasn't "lucky to come across Dr. Jastreboff." I realized that what I had been doing was not working - so I went back to square one, did some research, realized that I had been looking at things all bass ackwards, and made an appointment for TRT with somebody who had the knowledge and experience to help me achieve meaningful and lasting relief. There was no luck in any of it.

As far as your experience with your current audiologist, I have not read about it. But even if I had, what different would it make?

Stephen Nagler

 

Dr Nagler I also did my research and went to a professional to give me guidance and help but no luck this time again.
Another waste of time, another consultation fee down the drain.
I was brushed off and almost ridiculed that t is having such an impact on my life.
So if audiologist doesn't have any compression and understanding for t sufferer where do I go from here?

 

@Martin69 - Bummed you are still struggling so hard! But I get it man!! Lots of good perspectives shared above.

For me, about a year or so into struggling with my T (super high volume/pitch), I took a similar approach as Mark took, one day I just got pissed off at my T!! This may not be clinically the best approach, but it worked for me. I got angry at my T (yes I personified it!) for robbing me of so much in my life!! I decided it was time for me to take back my life from T, and be in the driver's seat. I understood that my T wasn't packing up and leaving, but I moved it from my Master Bedroom to a back closet. It was a battle, but I won. I too have a wonderful wife and kids and damn if T was going to ruin my loving relationship with them. I love to surf. After T set in, I stopped because of depression, lack of sleep, etc... T robbed me of surfing. Not any more!! On and on, and one by one, I isolated things in my life that T stole from me and took them back!!

Like Mark said, My T and I have a peace agreement, but one that was forced by me (like Japan surrendering WWII). I allow it (T) to exist, but I am in charge.

I am by no means bragging here! I am simply sharing my experience and encouraging you that you can and WILL LIVE AGAIN! Get your depression under control, stop worrying about "living with T for the rest of your life", love on your family, try to engage in activities that bring you joy (if even just a little at a time), and tell your T that you are back in charge!!!

I wish you peace and rest soon my friend!! Don't give up!! I am proof that habituation IS possible !!

Best to you!!

Jeff

 

Martin
I hear ya and I so know what you mean about T being caused by high levels of stress! I didn't have the faintest idea just how stressed I'd become until I got hit with T. Then I had to try to relax; easier said than done for me. I literally had to concentrate on relaxing muscles (et al). It sounds silly (to me) but most of the time I can't tell how stressed I am -- I have to stop and think about it. I guess life just gets so heavy and fast I don't have time to decompress -- or don't make the time to decompress.

I, too, got on the merry-go-round idea (that grey-in-grey you mentioned) as to whether the T caused the depression/stress or if the stress/depression caused the T (and would I be stressed/depressed if I didn't have T?). I finally came to the conclusion that finding the answer to that question is somewhat pointless (what would I do with the information anyways? I'm stressed and I have T). The fact is (was) I am stressed beyond all reason and I have to deal with it from here forward; either avoid things I know to stress me, figure out what things are stressing me, and learn how to better deal with it -- again, MUCH easier said than done (for me -- I'm wound a little tight). I can still get myself into a knot (emotionally and mentally) about life and my T; but I come back to the same conclusion -- I must deal with what I have on my plate (T and all).

Since habituation (and I don't say this to taunt you or frustrate you) I can sort out sources of stress and depression much easier. T is no longer an easy target to blame anymore. Yes, life would be easier without T (that's true); the point I'm trying to make is that life can be full and content even with T. That may be really difficult for you to hear since you have not habituated and are getting frustrated (I was too!). You may still be fighting instead of accepting (I know I did).

It is encouraging to hear you have good moments even with T; that says a lot (it's not in total control of you). Keep proving that to yourself and log them as wins (cause they are).

All I know is that my big hope in life is that when I get to heaven the ringing will stop ; until then I just try to love God and love people.

Prayers!

Mark

 

Where do you live?

Stephen Nagler

 

I'm in Australia.
Two years ago while I was in Melbourne I went to well regarded lady
M.W. but apart from really great counselling session nothing was done or recommended, no TRT or Neuromonics.

It was more along the lines of habituation and giving me examples of other patients.

Now I'm in South Australia and went to see someone here but no much luck, not sure if I'm allowed to name people but I'm happy to give you the name in PM.

He said I need to be in the right state of mind to do TRT!!!

 

Martin wrote:
And I don't know why. I am sitting here with my boys playing computer games. I have a lovely wife, I have a good social network, friends, football as my hobby, no financial problems. I really try to find out if it is really T and once I have overcome this, things are shining again. There are some good reasons for this. For example after my T onset, I showed no signs of depression. I was optimistic that time will heal or I will habituate. Then I have moments where I feel really good and I really like my life, with or without T.

They are the important things in your life Martin and although you might not realize it now but in time the cream rises to the top and your tinnitus will be maybe an occasional annoyance at worst and all those important things in your life will be in your thoughts.

Mark wrote:
I realize a rational response to this would be to pose the question 'so everything and everyone you can't control is your enemy?' Checkmate . So be it; but that is why I thought it an enemy. I've had myriad sports injuries and was always able to adapt and overcome (take control); not in this case -- so I was completely knocked off and out of my game.

There are things that you can't control in your life they just happen and in many cases tinnitus just happened because of some event or something that we had no control over. I never made peace with my tinnitus and it's not my friend nor will it ever be I just don't want it. But it doesn't control me or interfere in any way in what I do.

 

Hi Jeff (and the others),
Thanks for your reply and wise words. Honestly speaking they keep me alive. It is my therapy.
It is difficult for me explaining my situation.

I sacrificed myself over a decade for others. My wife is working hard since she is running her own business, so I did a lot of the work that has to be done at home, with the kids etc. And this besides a full time job I had to do myself (senior support engineer in IT in leading edge technology). I also became a licensed football trainer for children with much success. All those things (job, family, football) were things I really liked.

But at the end, it was like having three jobs in parallel. I was busy 24/7. And fun turned into stress. So a complete breakdown with a screaming T was the result. My life was stolen from me. One could say, T was the alarm of my body that it is now enough. The alternative would have been a heart attack or something else.

It is now difficult for me even going through the day because of the depression and T. All the things I loved, seem 100x harder to be done. I ask myself again and again, how can I continue what made me ill, and now with even a larger package named T. It seems impossible. Yes, there is a lot of frustration inside me. And I think, without my wife and family, I would no longer be.

So I try to learn my lesson. I work only 4 hours a day. But my performance is at best around 30%. I try to do some things at home that things are working. And regarding my hobby, I got other trainers helping me. But here comes the problem:

I made adjustments, but I hate those adjustments. Because I want to control myself how much and what I am doing. As Mark said above, I hate to be controlled by a depression, by T or anything else. I also had many sport injuries and difficult surgeries. But all was repairable. My parents divorced when I was 10. And I took control of my life. I became successful in all kind of areas.

I remembered when T started like a screaming blasting turbine in my head. I was laying at the couch of my GP full with valium to calm down. And I said: I was able to control my life. Now I have something in my head screaming at me and it has taken over. It can torture me whenever it wants. I am out of control.

And this is the lesson I have to learn. Accepting it, let it be. Living with it.
But it is so damn hard.

Writing this is like speaking to my psychologist. It really helps.
Thank you guys. Please continue helping me reaching the other side where the sun is shining again.

 

Hey Billie,
See my answer above. Thank you for your excellent words and help again.
Yes, I must reprogram my brain. When I was writing this, it became clear to me that the problem is sometimes negative thoughts. But the main issue is that T took over control in my life and I need to do adjustments. I hate this.
I must find the key to take control again or we co-exist.

BTW, my T does not seem that loud today which is very seldom.
Maybe I should sleep every night 10 hours like I did today.
Sleeping is my best escape.

So I am lucky I have no sleep issues.

 

Thank you Magpie.
Thanks to you all for your support.
I am really looking forward to being one of the ones supporting newbies in the future.

 

Thank you Mark.
Good to have people here understanding my situation and went through the same.
It is like a therapy for me.
I wrote a larger post above.
Acceptance is key, but if you have controlled each and everything in your life, it is so damn hard.
Prayers,
Martin

 

Martin have you considered medication to help with depression?

 

Yes. I take Mirtazapine. This helps and gives a good sleep.
I don't know how it would be without.
Sometimes, when I am freaking out, I take Tavor (benzo).
But this is very seldom, luckily.
At the end of the day, you can take all kind of drugs.
They don't fix the brain and don't help in accepting T.

 

I took your advice about a strategy, along with Billie's and here2help's advice and counseling. I also took the advice of my CBT therapist. He too, advised to stop fighting T--that I was expending too much energy and causing myself more anxiety and agitation. We concentrated on how I think about my T, relaxation and exposure. I am much better--some days are still bad but I know how to manage . I'm starting to habituate--I'm no longer afraid of the noise or surprised by how it can change day-to-day. I am living my life--driving my bus, as you always say. I have a cup of coffee or a chocolate candy bar if I want it and I have you and this site to thank.

 

Martin
To be honest, acceptance felt like losing (like giving up); I hated it so much. I went into a depression for a while; it felt like defeat. I just didn't want to 'give up'; but I knew it was right (and that made handling the depression easier). Like you, I'm used to having a measure (a good measure) of control in my life; post habituation I learned that I cannot control my T but I can control my reaction to it which, in turn, has a measure of control over my T.

Even after I'd accepted it, I didn't really habituate for many more months to come; but like you said, acceptance is key. I knew I had to do whatever it took to finally accept it...(rats!!).

Looking forward to you habituating (no rush, though)!

Prayers

Mark

 

Stephen Nagler

 

ACCEPTANCE is the fifth and final stage of the Kubler-Ross model of the process of grief.!!! DEPRESSION is the fourth. So the good news @Martin69 is you are close to stage 5!!! I pray acceptance is right around the corner!!

Mark is spot on...... "acceptance is key". Not easy to get there, but once you are on the other side of it, things get a whole lot easier my friend!!

Best to you!!

 

MW is a close personal friend of mine. I hold her in very high regard. Get back in touch with her. Tell her you are not doing well, and follow her advice.

He's wrong, but that's besides the point. Forget him. Stick with MW. No, she doesn't do TRT - but there's more than one way to get from where you are to where you want to be. And MW is one of the best tinnitus audiologists anywhere.

Stephen Nagler

 

Dr Nagler this persons name is listed on TRT clinicians list for SouthAustralia, so that makes me even more surprised about his approach.
He said he fitted two people with WNG that particular day, but I'm not in the right space of mind to do TRT

Thank you for your advise, will get in touch with MW!

 

Puuh. Hopefully you are right.
I feel like I am going into another direction.
Things in my head are loud and dark.

 

Who put that list together? What qualifications does a person have to have to be on that list?

Stephen Nagler

 

Hang in there buddy, We have to try. prayers going your way!

 

Hello jeff, love your blog! , I am from Toronto Canada, this blog is very helpful! I have my t about 10 weks now, and it does get me down , I also have balance issues with it, going to a chiro for my balance issues , I have sever neck problems ( Whiplash ) few years ago. Your blog sounds great , will keep in site and read it everytime Thanks .keep intouch. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR LOVELY FAMILY