Pushing Through a Spike in Anxiety...

I’m having a big spike in anxiety.

This past week seems to have been one instance of bad timing after another in terms of unexpected noise – doors slamming, dogs barking, sirens going by, motorcycles – the usual suspects, I guess, that those of us with tinnitus and sound sensitivities think about and deal with all the time.

Last night was the worst of the lot. Not once but three times I got caught at or near a railroad crossing just as a train was coming through. I always have muffs with me when I go out driving (although last night I somehow managed to walk out of the house without the 32 db pair I bought specifically for the trains and sirens that go through here all the time, and just had the 22 db muffs in the car) and was able to get them on, although the first train was right beside me and blasted once before I managed to do that. After it happened the second time, I just left them on because I knew I had to cross over the tracks again before getting home, and sure enough a third train came through. I was shaking by the time I got home.

Today I had the opportunity to spend some time with family, and although I went over to my nephew’s house (he’s having a cookout) his neighbor revved up a sanding machine at almost the exact moment I arrived, while someone else started banging with a hammer. The yards are very close, and although I had muffs with me, I left.

I’m just about at the nine-month mark with this, now, and I can feel that oft-spoken of fear of sound starting to take hold. I do not want to fall into this trap, but I’m really rattled right now.

I’m also about four months into a benzo taper --was on 0.5 mg clonazepam for about five months, now down to ¼ pill nightly, and, had I stuck to my original schedule, would be close to wrapping it up but opted to hold at the second cut for an additional three weeks first due to Fourth of July holiday, and then to a stressful family situation that occurred right after that.

The benzo tapering is likely playing into the anxiety – in fact I’m sure it is. The closer I get to the end of it, the more anxious I am about it, although I’ve been going slow and have so far gotten over the small bumps in the road. I came close to one-time updosing to a half-pill last night just to calm down, but didn't do it -- I don't want to undo all the progress there. I’ll be glad when the taper is done, though

I’ve been working diligently to not overprotect, but the anxiety is getting to me. I would dearly love to spend time with my family today, but I’m just too balled up to do it – the worry about my nephew’s dog and the yelling kids – not to mention the neighbors with the power tools! -- just isn’t worth it. The sound sensitivity (as well as the “t”) is still there, and my ears feel a little more plugged up than usual, although sound isn’t muffled. After this week of bad timing I’m jumpy about unexpected noise and find myself reaching for the earmuffs more often than not, even when I probably don’t need to. That’s a habit I don’t want to get into, but I’m second-guessing when-to and when-not-to, now. I pretty much exclusively use the muffs, now – the foam ear plugs just weren’t cutting it for me. It seems sometimes that my ears clog up a little bit after removing them – oh, joy! Another reason for anxiety! – but mostly that resolves after a little while. (Is that normal, by the way?)

Here’s the bottom line: I know that all of this is part and parcel of what we deal with. I know that there are going to be days/weeks/times like this. I’d venture to guess that everybody on this board has been through this, and maybe still goes through it no matter how far along they are, but right at the moment this feels like a huge emotional setback for me, and the world feels like something to be cautiously navigated through instead of lived in.

I’m not going to lie – my emotions got the better of me last night. I don’t write that to elicit sympathy, but it happened, and I know you guys understand why it happens. Just knowing that there are other people out there who “get” this is huge, although it doesn’t entirely remove the knot that’s in my stomach at the moment.

In the meantime – we push through, right? And ultimately – all I’m doing is venting, here. There’s no need for anyone to respond to any of this. Like I said above, knowing that there are people out there who understand it is a big help in itself. Maybe one or two of you are feeling this exact way right now – if so – one day at a time, my friends! Stay positive!

Thanks for reading this, if you got all the way through it! I’ve only been checking in on the forum once or twice a week lately -- a conscious decision as I taper down on the benzo – but think of all of you that I have connected with here, who have been of so much help and support to me and to others. I hope all is going well for you.

Better days to all of us!



Mystery Reader

 

It sounds like your T hasn't spiked as a result of those accidental exposures, so there is no reason to worry. I think you did the right thing when you left after hearing hammering and sanding. Next summer you ought to be more resilient.

 

What you have written, strikes a chord with all of us. All of us been there and know the feeling. Keep moving forward with the taper. Tapering was the toughest ordeal I ever faced. The whole benzo thing was just pure agony. Your emotions are naturally revved up by the tinnitus/ear issues. The benzos/taper also unleash some raw emotions as well. Just keep toughing it out. This only helps you have a better life. It may not be an easy life, but your courage gains you rewards that you might not see right now.

Stay strong, you are never alone. This board and myself are always here for you and you always have a shoulder to vent/cry on.....

Bless......

 

@Mystery Reader

I truly do understand how your emotions can get the better of you, it happens to me, too. It happens to each and everyone of us. Tinnitus isn't for the faint of heart.

Continue to come here and vent, it helps to write your feelings down. We all need to be supported and understood and the people here are wonderful at doing just that.

You have offered me support on more than one occasion, Mystery Reader. I will always be grateful, it helped more than you know. ❤️

I hope you have good night and are able to sleep peacefully.

 

@Bill Bauer @fishbone @emmalee
Thanks for your responses on this thread a couple of weeks ago. Got through it, and your words of encouragement helped greatly. Hope you're all doing well.

Mystery Reader

 

Any time! I am here to help and lift the spirits of this board. I get such a joy, when someone can feel better because of a post I make.

 

You are welcome, Mystery Reader.❤️

Thanks for letting us know that you got through it.

 

Hi @Mystery Reader,

Sounds like things are pretty touch and go at the moment. I hope things improve for you soon.

If you don't mind, I think I'll expound a bit on your above comment. It's actually not one that I can relate to, as for me, it seems like just about the worst strategy I could do. I'll try to explain by sharing I story regarding my brother's girlfriend who worked for a rafting company in some sort of lifeguard capacity.

One thing she had to learn was the way whirlpools worked. Apparently, if she or anybody she was trying to rescue got caught in a whirlpool, the absolute worst thing you could do is try to push through it. The trick to survival was to relax as much as possible, KNOWING that eventually the whirlpool would actually bring you to the surface as a natural part of its own cycle.

The closest call this woman had was when she apparently was under water, holding her breath, and finally made it to the surface--for just a moment however. She was able to get a deep breath, before being sucked down again. She again remained calm, until the whrilpool brough her back up--this time for good. I think there's a similar dynamic at play for those of us struggling with tinnitus/hyperacusis issues.

Though I can accept that it works better for some on this board to "push through it", it's definitely not what works for me. Instead, when rough spells arrive, I try to relax, KNOWING that a better cycle is soon approaching. It seems when I tried to push through things in the beginning, I would continually find myself being upended by the shock and horror of all I was dealing with.

When I began to recognize the cycles, and work around them, I started doing much better. -- This should not be misconstrued as my saying I've habituated--because I haven't. But I'm more confident than I was in the beginning that I'm getting better at navigating the rough spells when they arrive. -- Best to You!

 

@Lane
A very nice response! In my original post, the phraseology was more in the line of meaning "we get through it," (however it is that one "gets through" something -- methods vary!) I understand where you're coming from though. Ultimately, we have to find a way to relax and calm down in order to ease the anxiety. "Pushing through it" wasn't meant to convey forcing anything; rather, it meant getting a handle on it and moving forward.

Mystery Reader

 

@Mystery Reader
I just read your post. It is ok to vent. And yes, I agree that a lot of people on this forum have been through everything you just posted and probably more. I just cried a bit reading it. Makes me sad to see so many of us suffering because of this condition. How our lives have been changed and everything we do needs to be "planned accordingly". (sigh)

I check the weather before I go out and if it's going to rain I don't go out because I can't tolerate the sound of the rain and the noise inside the car cabin. (plus the kids) If I get an invitation to go to a wedding, party, birthday, cookout....I already know my answer. I have learned to just stay home. Many times I went just trying to somehow live as "normal" as possible and ended up waiting inside the car for my family. Our lives completely changed... We stop eating this or that... we dont get on airplanes anymore, some cant even swim anymore... cant run or exercise anymore...I cant even go to church anymore!

Anyways.... just venting too I guess. I hope you are feeling better and the tapering off the benzo goes well.
Once.

 

@OnceUponaTime
By all means ... vent! I really needed to that day, and luckily this forum is here to help us get some of this stuff out of our systems with people who really understand it. This condition can truly make the world feel like a minefield.

A couple of months ago I was following one of your threads, although I don't think I posted anything on it. You were trying to decide what earplugs or muffs to get to wear to a presentation event. Were you able to attend, and, if so, how did that go for you? What plugs/muffs did you finally decide on? I was thinking about you at the time, and then lost track of the thread, but hoped that all had gone well for you.

Regarding the benzos, I'm entering what I think is likely going to be the last phase of the taper -- I'm down to an eighth-of-a-pill (so, about 0.0625 mg or something like that) of the clonazepam. I'm going to hold there for a couple of weeks and then assess how I feel. If I feel okay, it'll probably be time to quit, or maybe ease into every-other-day for a couple of weeks before doing so. I'm not quite sure yet how I'm going to handle the jump. I really do want it over with, but don't want to mess up, now, having taken four months to get to this point. (I wasn't on a high dose, but had been on it a while and felt it was time to discontinue usage.)

I hope all is going well for you. I've thought about you since reading your post that I mentioned above, and so it was nice to have a response from you here. I'll look for new threads from you whenever I check in here. Here's to better days for you and for all of us!

Mystery Reader

 

@Mystery Reader

Wow, I often think that this is exactly like we live everyday with t.

How have you been?

I did make it to the event in NYC and it all went well! Better than what I expected it. (I decided to sent a PM to all the people on the post that helped me to thank them and let them know how my day went.) Then 2 weeks after that event, my niece (who was like a daughter to me) passed away and it has been hard for me. She was only 30. Cancer sucks. I tried not to stress but easier said than done in such circumstance. Spring and Summer were difficult but I'm optimistic that Fall and Winter will be better for me.

I am praying and hoping that the University of Michigan's study is successful. Lord knows we need help.

Wishing you quiet days.
Once.

 

@OnceUponaTime

I'm so very sorry about your niece -- I hope, as you say above, that fall and winter will be better for you.

I'm glad you were able to make it to the event in NYC and that all went well! A victory!

Hoping you're in a period of quieter days.

Mystery Reader