Still Struggling...

Really curious if others experienced similar, but for me it's been over 18months and I'm still struggling. Both with the regret as with the sound.

I suffered tinnitus since a short but loud exposure to sound, while already having ear infection and had a long flight the day after. When I came back after a exhausting week, I collapsed, had a severe burnout (which basically was already years in the making) and still had the loud beep. Got prednisone that week and got on some valium. To this day, I regular use valium to keep calm. Got depressed, lost my girlfriend and can't seem to forgive myself for not better protecting myself.

My right side I have a high pitched peep, which I can ignore (very distant noise), but on my left side, I have a hearing loss on 4KHZ (50DB) and a loud peep which I can't just overcome. I was exposed to a sound of somebody sawing next to me (approx. 30seconds, 125Db) which I assume caused it all. Though, two weeks prior I already suddenly lost my hearing (for about 80%, with everything sounding distant and muffled), but it seemed to have recovered the next day (I went to bed and felt fine next day, so didn't think much of it).

The main thing is, I'm 18months down the road, and don't feel it is getting better. The sound remains the same and bothers the shit out of me. It blocks me from recovering from my burnout. I'm a control freak and a perfectionist, which does not help. Have tried EMDR, etc., but things aren't helping much it seems. Valium seems to be my only friend.

I think the most regret comes from not protecting myself better. How do you guys cope with the regret (and the hearing loss?) I have a hearing aid providing a masker giving some relief. My hearing still is relatively OK (hearing loss runs in the family, so I'm much better of than some of my relatives), but still the regret drives me insane, as well as the thought of missing out on some sounds. Are there people in similar situations, and how did you overcome the regret and self-guilt and accepted the loss?

 

Hello Berik
I can indentify with the regret around worsening T. I too had a burnout leading to
clinical depression. I have had T for a long time but ONE tablet of increased dosage AD led to louder and new noises. Cue total breakdown. I’m so regretful and wish I could turn the clock back. I cannot come of ADs (lower dosage now) and have side effects from them too. Often think about not going on but have to.
I have moderate high frequency loss too, originally caused by a virus.
Try to accept that was is done now can’t be changed. We all live with regrets and maybe in time you will be able to come to terms with the changes.
TT will support you.
Eve
@Berik

 

Regret is the hardest part for me. My best advice is to logic it out. Are the regret thoughts going to accomplish anything? No. Can't look back at spilt milk under the bridge.

 

All humans have regrets. All of us have done stuff and have had stuff done to us that makes us regret things. I have many things that I regret in my life too. I overdosed on energy drinks 11 years ago and almost died. Ever since that dark day my life has forever changed. I developed my Fibro/Arthritis after that situation. My life today is filled with pain and tenderness all over my body from the time i wake up, till the time i sleep. I am not going to discuss my tinnitus issue, you can read my threads and get more information.

My point is this, all of us HAVE made MISTAKES. All of us, dwelling on them will not make any difference, at all. Only good thing that sometimes dwelling can bring on, is that we can avoid those mistakes. DON'T look to the past. The past is gone and doesn't exist anymore. Don't look to the future. It doesn't exist yet and it's just going t ramp up fear, anxiety. LOOK to NOW, this very moment. Focus on what you see,hear,feel NOW.

I use to dwell and be angry at myself for what I did 12 years ago. I can say that I ruined my body, 12 years ago and my body will never be the same. Due to the arthritis/fibro I gave my weight lifting and martial arts for almost 8 years(I been into both for over 35+ years).

One day, I told myself that it's time for me, to stop feeling sorry for myself. Being negative and holding myself back simply drains my life. So, I forgave myself and went back to the gym and started doing my martial arts again. All of us CAN forgive ourselves. My loud tinnitus is all MY FAULT(I was not educated, on tinnitus 30 years ago). My fibro/arthritis is all MY FAULT.

I forgave myself and I don't look back, just looking forward to a better future

PS-If you are having a hard time forgiving yourself, possibly talk to a counselor. They can be helpful. I am all for talking it out and possibly learning ways, to make my life better

 

Hi Fish
Lots of good things from you again. I am a Counsellor in the UK and I know from experience that it can be helpful.
Self forgiveness can be a difficult thing and we can but try xx
@fishbone

 

@Berik ,
Tinnitus can be caused for a number of reasons so don't dwell on how you got it as a simple cold virus could cause it also so you could well have got it sometime in your life another way.
Try look to the future now and find what works well for you in the day and at nigh so you can sleep well.
You have had some lovely replies and we are here for you around the clock.
Love glynis

 

Glynis you are so lovely as usual. Hope you are feeling better and looking forward to the big day tomorrow.
Eve x
@glynis

 

Funny you should mention that. I experienced the same thing in my bad ear, I woke up one day with sudden hearing loss and it never went back to normal, but I never developed T until 15 years later. It might be that you would have developed T eventually once the right (wrong) conditions were present.

I think the key to dealing with both the stress and the noise is to try to be stoic about it. A sound can't hurt me, it can annoy me but I can endure it. I have some regret about the situations which caused my T but there's nothing I can do about them. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm willing to speculate that you have the loss of your GF, your depression, and your T wrapped up in a big ball in your mind. If you can separate the problems to the individual parts it should seem less impossible to tackle them. I guess the first step is believing that it is possible to exist in a happier and healthier mind, even with the problems you have now.