I have been married to a woman with very bad tinnitus for 10 years, and in a relationship with her for years beforehand. The severity of her tinnitus goes up and down, but it never completely goes away. When it is down, she is often very much like the woman I fell in love with and grew to love in other ways -- a strong personality, good sense of humour, caring for people in general, great with the kids, etc. Despite what I say below, there are reasons why I left my country of birth and everything else familiar to travel half-way around the world and be with her (if she somehow winds up reading this, that is still true). But when it is bad, although she can usually act normal with others, I always take the full brunt of it.
I really love her, and I know she cannot be blamed for how she is when she is suffering, but it has been a very difficult life for me. Whenever her tinnitus gets bad, when she isn't depressed, she tends to be angry. When she is depressed, she often makes me feel helpless and useless, and when she is angry I find myself playing the role of whipping boy. I even get a mixture of the two, with her lashing out at me for not being able to make her feel better. Often she makes me feel like my sole purpoes in life is to try to comfort her, and although I try, she is capable of holding the fact that nothing I do is good enough against me. And then if I even hint at being hurt myself, she takes it personally and plays a guilt trip against me, like how dare I feel hurt and pain when she is suffering. And in return I'm supposed to take nothing she says or does personally, whether it be insulting me or outright ignoring me.
A couple years ago we stayed in a hotel for our anniversary and all she would do was lie in bed surfing and texting on her mobile. I know she has no sex drive when her tinnitus is bad -- she tells me so -- and I do not take it personally, but she wouldn't even watch our favourite program together (we had recorded several episodes to watch that night like we did for the two years before). She'll say it was a particularly bad tinnitus night, but she had the concentration and energy to read online articles, text other people, but would not watch a show with me and maybe even hold hands.
I am no saint. There are often times when I feel like I'm giving a lot of myself and getting little in return, and it just becomes emotionally and physically and spiritually draining. There are periods (like early in our marriage, during several miscarriages, etc) when I constantly demonstrated affection. In return I got the occassional hug or hand held, along with some abuse and her literally coccooning herself on the opposite side of the bed, so, guess what?, I find it difficult to sustain. But if I even hint at feeling neglected she will always only remember the few times she grabbed my hand or hugged me and try to take sole credit for trying to hold this marriage together, or dismiss me as a person seeking sex as an award for shows of affection, which just really trivializes the fact that I want to feel like I'm wanted and appreciated too, that I need support too, and want to feel like a husband again and not just a live-in support system for someone else.
But, yes, sex matters. My wife herself has stated, without prompting, that it is an important part of a marriage. I am lucky if I get sex once a month, and when I do, no matter how enjoyable it is, I'm often made to feel like a prop. Other than some kissing, she never touches me. She always closes her eyes, and I can almost be certain she's having one of her fantasies (she openly tells me about them, and I'm fine with them even though we both know they are things best left as fantasies). She will sometimes tell me that when she is feeling better, one of the first things she does is masturbate because it makes her feel human. She also claims to love sex when she is well. However, no matter if she is doing well or poorly, she will often do things like do her work until 1 am or later on nights I have to get up at 6am, then curl up on the opposite side of the bed -- yes, the work is beyond her control, and often so is its timing, but it does not always seem that way. On most special occassions, she drinks alcohol, which makes her touchy feely while awake, but also makes her pass out the second she lies down or even sits down -- she has made me feel guilty for criticizing this once. Sometimes she will initiate sex, and sometimes I manage to do it successfully without being told she is too tired or has zero drive, and it fulfills a physical need, but seems to do little for the relationship. Often she acts confused by the idea that sex and love could have any connection, and will use the fact that she thought I was feeling affectionate as an excuse for avoiding sex.
The absolute lowest point was when she told me that she cannot even feel love for our kids when her tinnitus is bad, and that if it weren't for her sense of duty towards the kids she might consider ending it all (she admitted I did not fit into the equation at all). This led to a big discussion, which led to what at first was a big breakthrough, but when it seemed, once again, that I was the one who always made the effort to cuddle at night, and the only one who could say "I love you", I again found my constant displays of affection difficult to sustain. She also often did things that seemed petty and uncaring, like downloading a program we both watch, not letting me know, and watching it with her mother, then complaining that we don't spend enough time doing things together.
At this point she probably sounds like a psychopath, and people might wonder why I stick it out, and, no, it is not because it is the easy thing (far from it), or because I'm doing it for the kids. The fact is the above account is simplistic and one-sided. I do still love her and I often see glimpses of the woman I fell in love with, and I see her demonstrate love to me. We also have shared experiences which will always tie us together. I can never truly get across in writing how confusing, rewarding, frustrating or painful the relationship is -- it defies logic -- and I just need to be trusted when I say it has normally felt worth it despite the lows. But I just don't know how much more I can take.
Recently, we were out for dinner and she told me how she was having a particularly bad episode. I reached out and held her hand. That evening, she thanked me for that (one of the few times I felt appreciated in years), and even listened to me the next morning when I told her how tough things have been for me too -- particularly how I sometimes feel totally unvalued, and sexually neglected -- without her treating my pain as if it is a personal attack against her. For the rest of the week, we did a lot of cuddling at night (no sex, since her tinnitus was bad -- she describes herself during those periods as being in "survival mode"), and I felt more like a husband than I did for ages.
However (and this is the reason why I'm writing this now), yesterday she had a good day. She knows how much I miss our intimacy, it has been a record time since we had sex, and yet she curled up in the blankets on the opposite side of bed a couple of minutes after I got in, started surfing and texting on her iphone, waited until she thought I was asleep (I was lying there with my eyes closed waiting for her to finish surfing), and then she masturbated to online porn. I got up and went to the spare bed, because I didn't want to spend the night lying next to her feeling like her welcome mat. She tried to play innocent ("but I had every intention of having sex but thought you were asleep"), the guilt card ("what? you only gave me affection this past week because you wanted sex?"), etc. Yes, I was blaming her, which may be why she was defensive, but for our entire relationship she has been the gatekeeper for sex, dictating when she cannot have sex because of her tinnitus, and constant rejection is not a fun thing to actively seek. The first time in a long time -- unknown to me -- that gate was open while I was at home and she wasn't doing work, and she slammed it shut right in my face on the basis that she could not just ask me if I was up to it and risk one instance of rejection due to sleepiness (after which she could have masturbated). And somehow in her mind (at least as she recounts the night) it is my fault -- because somehow I failed to communicate the very things that I explicitly communicated during our last recent breakthrough.
Why am I posting here? Because I am no longer certain how much of what I am living with is because of tinnitus and how much is because she is just plain selfish. Because no matter what breakthroughs we have, they always fall apart. Because after a breakthrough a week ago, she went and did exactly what I told her makes me feel hurt and undervalued, and was unapologetic about it. And I'm wondering how much of this is "normal" for someone in a relationship with tinnitus -- a relationship most psychologists (pop or pro) would probably not comprehend while making judgements about us. I'm wondering at what point I need to stop pretending I have a spouse, and just learn to live with having a roommate.
I really love her, and I know she cannot be blamed for how she is when she is suffering, but it has been a very difficult life for me. Whenever her tinnitus gets bad, when she isn't depressed, she tends to be angry. When she is depressed, she often makes me feel helpless and useless, and when she is angry I find myself playing the role of whipping boy. I even get a mixture of the two, with her lashing out at me for not being able to make her feel better. Often she makes me feel like my sole purpoes in life is to try to comfort her, and although I try, she is capable of holding the fact that nothing I do is good enough against me. And then if I even hint at being hurt myself, she takes it personally and plays a guilt trip against me, like how dare I feel hurt and pain when she is suffering. And in return I'm supposed to take nothing she says or does personally, whether it be insulting me or outright ignoring me.
A couple years ago we stayed in a hotel for our anniversary and all she would do was lie in bed surfing and texting on her mobile. I know she has no sex drive when her tinnitus is bad -- she tells me so -- and I do not take it personally, but she wouldn't even watch our favourite program together (we had recorded several episodes to watch that night like we did for the two years before). She'll say it was a particularly bad tinnitus night, but she had the concentration and energy to read online articles, text other people, but would not watch a show with me and maybe even hold hands.
I am no saint. There are often times when I feel like I'm giving a lot of myself and getting little in return, and it just becomes emotionally and physically and spiritually draining. There are periods (like early in our marriage, during several miscarriages, etc) when I constantly demonstrated affection. In return I got the occassional hug or hand held, along with some abuse and her literally coccooning herself on the opposite side of the bed, so, guess what?, I find it difficult to sustain. But if I even hint at feeling neglected she will always only remember the few times she grabbed my hand or hugged me and try to take sole credit for trying to hold this marriage together, or dismiss me as a person seeking sex as an award for shows of affection, which just really trivializes the fact that I want to feel like I'm wanted and appreciated too, that I need support too, and want to feel like a husband again and not just a live-in support system for someone else.
But, yes, sex matters. My wife herself has stated, without prompting, that it is an important part of a marriage. I am lucky if I get sex once a month, and when I do, no matter how enjoyable it is, I'm often made to feel like a prop. Other than some kissing, she never touches me. She always closes her eyes, and I can almost be certain she's having one of her fantasies (she openly tells me about them, and I'm fine with them even though we both know they are things best left as fantasies). She will sometimes tell me that when she is feeling better, one of the first things she does is masturbate because it makes her feel human. She also claims to love sex when she is well. However, no matter if she is doing well or poorly, she will often do things like do her work until 1 am or later on nights I have to get up at 6am, then curl up on the opposite side of the bed -- yes, the work is beyond her control, and often so is its timing, but it does not always seem that way. On most special occassions, she drinks alcohol, which makes her touchy feely while awake, but also makes her pass out the second she lies down or even sits down -- she has made me feel guilty for criticizing this once. Sometimes she will initiate sex, and sometimes I manage to do it successfully without being told she is too tired or has zero drive, and it fulfills a physical need, but seems to do little for the relationship. Often she acts confused by the idea that sex and love could have any connection, and will use the fact that she thought I was feeling affectionate as an excuse for avoiding sex.
The absolute lowest point was when she told me that she cannot even feel love for our kids when her tinnitus is bad, and that if it weren't for her sense of duty towards the kids she might consider ending it all (she admitted I did not fit into the equation at all). This led to a big discussion, which led to what at first was a big breakthrough, but when it seemed, once again, that I was the one who always made the effort to cuddle at night, and the only one who could say "I love you", I again found my constant displays of affection difficult to sustain. She also often did things that seemed petty and uncaring, like downloading a program we both watch, not letting me know, and watching it with her mother, then complaining that we don't spend enough time doing things together.
At this point she probably sounds like a psychopath, and people might wonder why I stick it out, and, no, it is not because it is the easy thing (far from it), or because I'm doing it for the kids. The fact is the above account is simplistic and one-sided. I do still love her and I often see glimpses of the woman I fell in love with, and I see her demonstrate love to me. We also have shared experiences which will always tie us together. I can never truly get across in writing how confusing, rewarding, frustrating or painful the relationship is -- it defies logic -- and I just need to be trusted when I say it has normally felt worth it despite the lows. But I just don't know how much more I can take.
Recently, we were out for dinner and she told me how she was having a particularly bad episode. I reached out and held her hand. That evening, she thanked me for that (one of the few times I felt appreciated in years), and even listened to me the next morning when I told her how tough things have been for me too -- particularly how I sometimes feel totally unvalued, and sexually neglected -- without her treating my pain as if it is a personal attack against her. For the rest of the week, we did a lot of cuddling at night (no sex, since her tinnitus was bad -- she describes herself during those periods as being in "survival mode"), and I felt more like a husband than I did for ages.
However (and this is the reason why I'm writing this now), yesterday she had a good day. She knows how much I miss our intimacy, it has been a record time since we had sex, and yet she curled up in the blankets on the opposite side of bed a couple of minutes after I got in, started surfing and texting on her iphone, waited until she thought I was asleep (I was lying there with my eyes closed waiting for her to finish surfing), and then she masturbated to online porn. I got up and went to the spare bed, because I didn't want to spend the night lying next to her feeling like her welcome mat. She tried to play innocent ("but I had every intention of having sex but thought you were asleep"), the guilt card ("what? you only gave me affection this past week because you wanted sex?"), etc. Yes, I was blaming her, which may be why she was defensive, but for our entire relationship she has been the gatekeeper for sex, dictating when she cannot have sex because of her tinnitus, and constant rejection is not a fun thing to actively seek. The first time in a long time -- unknown to me -- that gate was open while I was at home and she wasn't doing work, and she slammed it shut right in my face on the basis that she could not just ask me if I was up to it and risk one instance of rejection due to sleepiness (after which she could have masturbated). And somehow in her mind (at least as she recounts the night) it is my fault -- because somehow I failed to communicate the very things that I explicitly communicated during our last recent breakthrough.
Why am I posting here? Because I am no longer certain how much of what I am living with is because of tinnitus and how much is because she is just plain selfish. Because no matter what breakthroughs we have, they always fall apart. Because after a breakthrough a week ago, she went and did exactly what I told her makes me feel hurt and undervalued, and was unapologetic about it. And I'm wondering how much of this is "normal" for someone in a relationship with tinnitus -- a relationship most psychologists (pop or pro) would probably not comprehend while making judgements about us. I'm wondering at what point I need to stop pretending I have a spouse, and just learn to live with having a roommate.
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