Suicidal

I identify with all of you people suffering with interminable loud noise, every millisecond of your lives.
I am exactly the same as you.
With no subjective measurements possible I can not prove it to you - but it is the truth.
It never ever ceases, never ever dips.
I live in a forest fire of endless noise.

My situation started when a ‘friend’ of 30 years blasted off his banjo right in my face for perhaps 5 to 10 seconds, in a fit of Asperger rage, at some pathetic frustration of his own.

In that moment I lost a career of nearly fifty years on the professional jazz stage, worldwide.
My professional career, my passion, my income, my precious silence - all gone for ever.

My meditation helps me to acclimatise slightly.

That catastrophic incident cost me the very life I loved. I know I can never work again.

However, I have the most adorable wife, children, grandchildren, pussycats, etc.....
I love every one of them dearly.

I have decided that I will live for them.

This ‘fucking horrible’ condition will not be allowed to deprive them of my love, nor me of their love.

If my life has had to become a life of commitment to them, then I will do my best.

Dave x
Jazzer

 

Wow what a nightmare story.
I'm not sure how this guy got away, without having his banjo inserted up his ass with the fat end first.

You sir have the restrain of a high stakes poker player.

 

I know Harley - but nothing can put the clock back for any of us, can it.
He wouldn’t have done more damage if he’d hit me with a car!

Some things are just unforgivable - life changing events.
I do not forgive him.
He no longer inhabits my universe.
If there is any justice in this life - which I doubt - he will develop severe Tinnitus.

 

This thing is horrible. Just one incident and a whole life changed. You did nothing wrong! But it doesn't change what then happened to your life.

He just continues his life as before. You don't. I think a lot of people can relate to that on here. I certainly can. Although to be fair mine wasn't as cut and dry as your case.

I wanted my life to be all about my children, until this happened. Now I have to steer it back to being all about them. So hard to do and with a smiling face.

 

I was hit by a car! The damage done by that was minor compared to getting tinnitus. I got up and walked away from the car with a dislocated elbow. Painful as hell, but temporary. My arm is no longer straight. Tinnitus on the other hand is 24/7 torture that will stay with me until my final breath. There is no comparison.

 

Dear @all to gain
I absolutely hear you loud and clear.
This situation is the gravest tragedy that can hit anybody
We are forced into being life long heroes in order to survive.
Our poor wives, husbands, children.
And they will never actually experience the nightmare that we cope with in order to stay with them.
If you are interested to see what my jazz trombone life was like, you can access it here in ‘Jazzer’s Videos,’ or watch my awareness film on YouTube “Dave’s Tinnitus Story.”
Obviously I admit to myself the catastrophe that has hit me - but I play it down to my family as far as possible.
Very best wishes buddy,
Dave x
Jazzer

 

Not necessarily until your final breath. Help is on the way for all of us. Also, tinnitus due to ototoxic reaction sometimes fades in a very long time (years). I'm a late dad like you and I feel the same for my children. I hope to have the strength to survive until we get help, either via multimodal neuromodulation or medication, or both.

 

You have the strength, you are a super hero... you are humble and beautiful...

You got this, it's just going to take time.

You are an awesome dad and your kids will cherish you...

Be nice to yourself today... you are a champ... Chinmoku... you got this... but you got to do the work... nothing's easy.

I believe in you 110 percent... dig it...

Now have a good hour if it can't be a day... and then spin it into two...
Pulling for you friend.

all to gain... same message for you friend...

 

Sorry to hear your story, tinnitus robs so much from all of us that suffer from it, but like you I have the most wonderful loving husband, children, grandchildren and a golden lab.

I am especially close to my granddaughter after having brought up three males, she is the rose of the family. I have been brought to despair from tinnitus and also thought if it would be better for me to exit at times, but after looking into my grandchildren's faces I think how could I do that to them, so like you jazzer I will always do my best to enjoy the hand I have been dealt with, so that means getting on with life, and giving tinnitus the big finger....

 

Acute? I stopped taking them and didn't take them for long. Amitriptyline.

 

I didn't take it for long. It didn't change my tinnitus but didn't help me sleep which the doctor said was the main reason for prescribing it!

 

I still don't understand why it is so loud. How come some people have mild or moderate tinnitus while some of us have this loud, insane haywire tinnitus? Does anyone here know what I mean? I think some people use the term "screaming" tinnitus and I think that might be an accurate description. I can feel or recognize at least 2 or 3 tones.

I hate this. What is the chance it ever reduces? Less than one percent? Or it's impossible to tell? Is there any pattern to go by? I was thinking that too many people here blame stress or ototoxic drugs but I really think it's most often related to noise, damaged ears and hearing. Lots of musicians get tinnitus although it seems it's not common to be severe from that but that occupation involves your ears exposed to loud sounds and often.

I know that headphones are often mentioned as a cause but so many people use them. I wonder if that cause is just recent as the equipment and volume used may contribute?

Anyway, the insane loud screaming nature of the multiple tones means I hate every day. I think about and consider suicide every day. I think I won't be around for a long time.

 

This cacophony feels like my own funeral dirge. It’s the most severe it’s ever been, I think it’s been atleast a 9.5 after 10 years of moderate ringing. I suppose it’s a bit presumptuous to start typing without an introduction but I’m so scared and worried.

I’ve have moderate hearing loss that’s genetic predisposition and I had some inherent resilience against a noise that was intrusive but tolerable at a 4.

I feel like I’m malfunctioning. My tinnitus even has a tone that resembles a human indistinct voice that’s causing me so much trepidation as I now have possible contention with a mental illness. It’s multitonal and relentless.

The only things that precludes any drastic act is the fact I found this forum and read so many posts of people who’re suffering like me and the devastation my death would cause my mum.

I’d be killing her too. Even though I’m despairing, I still have love for her to pull me through.

 

Cool, I'd stay clear of those meds... my humble opinion.

 

I think suicide is my only option. I am just trying not to get worse if I can help it. A siren just went by. My tinnitus is screaming and it is beyond torture. No one will help me move though.

Sometimes I wish I could kill the people who prevent me from moving. I hate this world so much. I am only here until I decide how my dog can be cared for.

 

I feel so much compassion for everyone that has posted on this thread and others like this one. We are in pain and have sorrow that it will never end. My wife cries and moans in her sleep at night for me and she was doing it a few minutes ago. I patted her forehead and she turned a little and became silent.

For some with tinnitus issues, healthcare/dental has not been there and some within healthcare/dental gave some of us increased or new problems.

Healthcare, techs, and dentists has given me all my problems. Too much CT radiation has caused additional problems including thyroid, artery problems, salvia problems and give me PT with two sounds. One of my dentist broke my implant cap where it had to vibrated out and with that - teeth on both sides became loose and the implant failed. If all this didn't happen, my neck issues would be more under control as well as my tinnitus.

I have severe mouth and jaw pain. I can't take medications because my tinnitus turns to loud whistles. I have regular tinnitus, somatic, physical and PT. I have 4 sounds in all.

For some of us, all we can do is to search for a way that might lower the tinnitus and pain from a 10 down to a 9 on a temporary basis. I need several long and complicated surgeries, but with the physical condition that I'm in, plus age, the surgeries will probably kill me.

One single therapy may help me with jaw, ear pain, and one of my tinnitus sounds, even thru my mouth is on fire from cut nerves in my jaw. That would be a strong mouth guard, but I would need several teeth fixed from trauma before a mouth guard would fit proper.

My wife is moaning and crying in her sleep again, so bless everyone.

 

Big hug...
My prayers are with you and your missus.
I am praying the universe will give you and your missus a break, and some peace.
I am humbled... words cannot express my empathy and sympathy for your suffering.

 

OK... what's up with the audiogram?
Do you have hidden hearing loss?
Can you get to Michigan with Dr. Shore, or try the Lenire device?
Can you get some valium?

Eat salmon... eat a lot of it. Take magnesium, try turmeric, the indian spice if you can.
No suicide for at least 2 years... that's the rule. After 2 years, you can asses and score some MDMA and do the dead right.

Are you using headphones? I don't understand the sentence where you refer to "equipment and volume"

You are in Canada, eat salmon, blue berries, every day...

Stay in touch... Daniel.

 

Thank you Daniel, I love your posts, they are so full of metta, always helpful despite your debilitating tinnitus. With all your children you are an inspiration.

 

God bless her gentle soul Greg, her support must be what gets your through.

At the end of the day that’s all the help we can get for now, a kind word, gentle hug, sympathetic ear... but even that is not available to everyone.

It warms my heart to know that some of you have truly found your soulmates, in sickness and health... all the way through!

I don’t know what it’s like but it must be priceless!

 

Help? When? I'm not convinced it is coming any time soon, and when (if) it does It's not guaranteed to work. I'm very pessimistic. And my tinnitus isn't somatic or noise induced, which it seems a lot of the treatments and cures are based upon.

 

Man, I'm at my wit's end!! I will see my wife and kids for the for the first time in 3 months today. I love them to bits, but it would have been better if I had offed myself already.

Having a mental illness and tinnitus, that is drug induced and very piercing, is a match made in hell.

Not sure I will be around for long to be honest. I so wanted to be here for my kids, but this is a nightmare. And i'm not built for it. I will probably just keel over from the stress of it all anyway.

 

Neuromod is out already, and the devices of Minnesota and Michigan should be out the next few years. There is an array of medications that could help us, regain, fx322, oto413, improved retigabine... the problem is it will take years and I often wonder how I'll make it to the next day or week. Forum people have had anecdotal benefits with prp injections, stem cells, acupuncture, osteopathy, Chinese herbs... but starting a round of all these treatments is crazy. Let's try neuromodulation first.

 

Neuromod doesn't seem to have been that successful as far as I can see. At least not for long term members of this forum.

I'm desperate now.

 

It has only been 5 months for you, right? Statistically there is good chance it could get better. If neuromod doesn't work michigan might

 

I am so sorry my friend.
I understand.
I am praying you pull through.
Big hug...
I am so very sorry you are in pain...
Daniel

 

I'm having a bad day today. I'm now getting a full on wine glass rim sound in my right ear and I have this high pitched piercing tone that make my tinnitus react to certain noises and it gets worse. Every day is a battlefield of struggling to get through it at work, with people, with my family that I just can't relax with and be myself because I'm doubled over in mental torment, stuck between worlds of this one and wanting to be on the next where I hope this ends.

I love my kids and my wife. Yet I want to leave them here with my transferred pain but likewise I can't go through with it and I should know as I went to the woods in the middle of the night on Friday with a rope and I couldn't go through with it. This is Hell on Earth.

Where the hell are all these researchers and their potions? A clairvoyant told me I would not die with this noise. It would be a thing of the past when my time comes but at this rate it bloody well will. I cannot face another week at work trying to pretend everything is fucking alright!!

 

It took me ten years to habituate to my first tinnitus .... had an MRI (what could go wrong?) and now my tinnitus is back with a vengeance. I was in tinnitus forums everyday years ago, but then as it habituated I went on to other things. I hope this gets better, but it’s the not knowing that is such the anxiety.

This just shows me that while habituated, I SHOULD have been here helping others. I’m sorry.
We can just hang in there for others in our life. While you are in a personal hell, your wife and kids will still get love and joy from you. I am saying this to myself now as well as others.

We didn’t have kids years ago with my first round of tinnitus, but now with kids in HS what good am I dead or just being a self-loathing A-hole? It’s hard to deal with and my prayers go out to everyone.
Hang in there, and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

All of the contributors to this thread truly amaze me.
We are all cursed with the loss of our precious silence, and I can think of no dilemma worse than that.

The very title of this thread confirms that we are the most severe of sufferers, and yet, to a man, we all dig deep into our souls to find the impetus to keep going, to be there for our beautiful families, our lovely wives, children, and critters.

Even in our pain we are motivated to try so hard to succeed and survive, by our love for others.

 

That’s heart wrenching to read I’m blessed I don’t have kids but I do have a loving mum (and dad) and nieces and nephews who love me - I’m yet to approach the woods with a rope yet but damn feel like it - there was a guy in the UK Craig Gill 44 it breaks my heart when I read his story his T worsened and his anxiety and no sleep increased - he had a wife and young children hate this condition there won’t be a cure the brain is too complex - keep plodding on sir for the kids if anything