Suicide Is NEVER an Option

How right you are, Lex.
Hyperacusis is the real killer for me as well.(I include reactive T in that term)
It has taken me a long time to actually get it myself.
If it was´nt for the H, I think I maybe could have seen a future for myself.
With H it is impossible. Its just to painful.
We know people have a hard time comprehending how debilitating T is.
I think H is even harder to grasp.
I am sure, I would´nt understand it myself, if I did not have it.
To have both T and H, severely I might add.
We are just two miracles(and others) to still be alive, I think.
I´d never thought the sound of just opening the lid off the butter box or a fork touching the plate could be so painful.
I´ts insane!!!

 

As a long time veteran of living with Tinnitus, like @Michael Leigh, my Tinnitus was once more severe than it is now. So, I also want people to know that it really can improve and become less severe. Additionally, my Hyperacusis completely subsided three years ago.

 

Looks like that is an annual rate. If an average person lives for about 80 years, we get 16*80 = 1,280 per 100,000 or 1.28%. I read that suicide is more common in developed countries, so it is not surprising that the local variation in Australia is closer to 2%. Interesting...

 

Behold! a lone voice of common sense on a tinnitus forum, no matter how drowned out and fleeting it may be. Godspeed. I wish there were more commenters here who are this academically honest.

 

How habituation-shills think

 

I had significant facial tics following benzo withdrawal; the most prominent was around my left eye. Not the eye itself, but the supporting muscles would jump and twist and spasm a lot. Magnesium was moderately helpful; I think that a lot of the muscle symptoms from benzo w/d (and to some extent the psychiatric symptoms) can relate to magnesium depletion. It's not a miracle cure by any means; the two years following my last taper off benzos were some of the hardest in my life... but used properly it's pretty hard to damage yourself with magnesium.

I'm not a habituation shill, I don't think, since I am not habituated; I also suffer from this condition, have for a long time, and will not downplay the serious, unpleasant consequences it has for my life and my family and friends. However, I stop well short of calling people liars when they claim to not be especially bothered by their tinnitus; I have a good friend who seems to have the same basic problem I do: a constant ~14khz whine that can be heard over all ambient noise, and can become physically painful following noise exposure. Not only does he not seem fazed by it, he had never googled it and didn't know there was a word for it until I brought it up one day.

More importantly, in the 20 years I've been dealing with this, my mind has changed around it, and I've had some long stretches of time where it's merely annoying instead of disabling. The basic nature of the sound itself does not really change; it sounds the same as it ever does. But, it's the difference between a piercing foreground shriek, and a sort of static background noise. I believe this basic mechanism is probably how habituation works for people who, unlike me, are not particularly prone to obsessive monitoring of their internal state.

I think that's the fundamental thing which gets overlooked in these arguments: habituation is not a willful thing; it's a physiological process. Attention is not, mostly, a willful thing. It is also a physiological process. I have fairly severe visual snow/static, to a degree that it's nearly impossible for me to see stars at night, and even brightly lit rooms are basically a mess of afterimages and swirling red/green/black dots (onset was at the same time as my tinnitus) - for the first year, this drove me absolutely bonkers, I could not not see it, I could not sleep, I could not watch TV or look at screens (hard for a computer science major!) Somehow, something changed: the severity of my visual problems has not improved, if anything my vision has slowly declined over the last 20ish years. But, I consider myself completely habituated to the visual problems: they are my base state, and I can go days straight without having a single conscious thought of them. This is not 'attentional' in a willful sense; some physical process rewired my brain to default to ignoring the glitches instead of constantly noticing them. The tinnitus has been a tougher cross to bear, but here I am, bearing it usually with a grin.

You're welcome to think that this is all bullshit and continue to indulge your toxic mindstate; it makes little difference to me. However, I figured out a long time ago that if I was going to stay involved in my life and find a desire to stay on this planet, I needed to understand the machinations of my mind, and as much as possible, work with my mind instead of against it. I'm not particularly bright or motivated as a general rule, but I'm still here, and the life I've built, despite being marred by perceptual problems, is something I am quite attached to. (Ironically, the end game of the various meditative practices I play with is to extinguish all attachment -- but I've got a while yet to worry about that).

I realize that this is not likely to get through to you, because the counterargument is always "how can I be other than that which I am", and that's not something I can answer for you. But, I strongly believe that faced with serious chronic problems like tinnitus, people either do figure it out, or they kill themselves or become addicted to heroin, and I believe the math that there are a lot more people who make a life of some kind for themselves despite these problems, than let them be their ticket to an early end.

If you still desire to find a functional and fulfilling life, I wish you all the luck in the world.

edit: note that I'm not really disputing a lot of what @attheedgeofscience has said about self-deception and the sort of cult of habituation; a lot of that resonates with me. However, I have also come to believe that self-deception of one kind or another is the normal basic state of most human consciousness, and unless you're really trying for the full enchilada of enlightenment / actualization, that's fine and we should all just find whatever dream makes us the happiest. Actualization is probably the 'purest' goal for one self, but, I've got too much shit I enjoy doing to get too wrapped up in it.

 

It's not a twitching for me. It's like a continuous "pulling" that sometimes shifts into a feeling of heat/sunburn, fullness in my ear, tingling in my scalp, and so forth. The epicenter is in the bottom front corner of my right temple, right where it meets my cheekbone. That's where it begins, and then everything radiates from there into my forehead, cheek, nose, ear, etc. It is very uncomfortable, not explicitly painful, but a very unsettling sensation, almost like someone is pushing their knuckle into a pressure point on my face. It's very hard to describe.

It seems to worsen from anxiety, sound, and chewing, in that order from least effect to greatest. I get a similar symptom on the left side, but it is significantly milder, and only really in the temple. I have tried taking magnesium but it doesn't really seem to help any.

I'm not sure this is a benzodiazepine issue. It could be, for sure, because it didn't start until after my last benzodiazepine taper in 2013, but I had been off of them for a couple months at that point if I recall correctly. I really wish I had kept notes from that period so I could know for sure. I keep notes for everything now.

I still have 1.5mg of diazepam left to taper from and I'm struggling immensely already just from my last 0.5mg drop over 3 weeks ago. I know I'm in for a very difficult future. The past 3 days have been more tolerable, and for a moment there I felt like things were going to turn around, but today I'm struggling again.

 

I'm glad your reaching out, as some people perhaps can be saved. Others, however, not so much. I have not committed to suicide yet, but it's an option I'm considering. I don't feel how those I leave behind feel isva good reason to not die. Why should the temporary suffering of my family trump my eternal anguish?

Suicide isn't for everyone, and time will tell if the noose winds up around my neck or not, but I feel you should stop trying to convince people otherwise, I get sick of hearing that. Rather, encourage them to consider the fact that it's a decision that cannot be reversed. That makes me think more than "you're throwing your life away" or "think of your family".

 

Hi @Gl0w0ut - I certainly took notice of your salient comment about emphasizing the fact that when one commits suicide... not only does the family and all who love the person suffer but, moreover, it is a choice that is irreversible and any chance of improvement or abatement of tinnitus could then never be realized. I will be sure to stress this and thank you for pointing this out.

I know you are young so I appeal to you now as an older person appeals to someone of your age... or even as a grandmother to a grandson. I understand you feel miserably, you feel defeated, depressed and tired of living with your tinnitus... I do understand. I wish though you would understand too that when you express (vent) your anger, frustration and severe anxiety in inappropriate ways and direct this anger toward others, they respond in similar fashion and you need to keep in mind that they also have tinnitus. There are so many who have felt empathy concerning your plight, they too have experienced the despair at one time or another and this is why they make an attempt to reach out to you. You are not hated, it is merely your confrontational manner which is not welcomed. The members in this forum only wish to help you @Gl0w0ut and certainly not stress you out further so you would benefit if you would be receptive to them. Each is offering their hand in support and understanding and all you need to do is take it.

You mentioned you see a psychiatrist but do you completely explain how you feel? I know that the role of a psychiatrist is mostly to dispense medication so I am uncertain whether this person is willing to listen and if not, then do you see a therapist? It can be therapeutic as it allows you to express your feelings and then examine these.
Very often young people have this ideal of "perfection" in mind and when they don't measure up according to their own perceived standards, they may feel inadequate and bitter. I understand this and you, like many other young people struggling with tinnitus have a very difficult time dealing with it. Each person has to find his or her own way of dealing with it but self-harm is surely not the way @Gl0w0ut. Just as you indicated in your post, the desperate decision of suicide can never be reversed.

Again, I do not know whether your parents understand your situation but for certain, we all do. We reach out to you... we do not want you to harm yourself in any way and I wish you would take to heart all which has been told to you. The members on this forum are understanding and tolerant... they want and do extend themselves to you --- so please, be kind to them, listen and consider all. One day in the future, when you are far beyond this...you will most probably look back upon this chapter and it will be reminiscent of the story of one of TT's members whom @Michael Leigh spoke about which I trust you read. He, too, never thought he would surmount the challenge of tinnitus but he did and he went on to have a good and fulfilling life.

Be kind to yourself... try to do something which you enjoy even if it takes some effort. Are you on an anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety medication presently? Are you getting a sufficient amount of sleep? You are wearing yourself out by continuing to rage on as you are. You need to take care good of yourself so you will be better able to handle all your stressors. Again, we are all here wanting to help you through this difficult period.

Sending my sincere best wishes,
Barbara

 

@Bobbie7

Thank you for writing a beautiful post Barbara and such a pleasure to read. I hope that it is of some help to @Gl0wout.

Michael

 

AWARENESS!!!!!!!!!!!

Fábio Cardoso ended his life last week. The pain became too much.

He was a member of several tinnitus groups.

 

This is so sad.
Rest in peace at last.
Fa'bio
Love glynis x

 

I envy your strength, Fabio!
Rest in peace (and quiet)!

 

Was he ever a member here?

 

One story like this is one to many.
I hope more help and support comes to everyone whom needs it and hope Resurch in to tinnitus starts to move in a positive direction .
Love glynis

 

His Tinnitus was very strong ?

This is why it is very scary for us because our T can increase and becomes unbearable !

Fuck this shit !

 

Very tragic end of a young life

 

Once you have it you just don’t know which way it will go!
That’s our sad reality!

 

It's heartbreaking to know he suffered so much that he opted for suicide. I believe it takes great pain (physical and/or emotional) to overcome survival instinct. But at the same time, I'm glad that at least he is no longer suffering. To continue to live while wishing to die every day is not a life. As I mentioned somewhere else in this forum, suicides are the outliers. Lifelong sufferers are more of the norm.