The Noise That Kills

Some might even find it reassuring to know there is an escape route ready just in case it is needed. So long as you trust yourself to have enough self control to not do it in a moment of weakness.

 

@Danny Boy
I'm reading through this thread (at least up to page 3) and am saddened that it took quite the side-track; albeit I completely understand because this is such a passion-charged issue (living with T).

It's kind of a dumb question to ask 'how are you doing?' but it is the best I can do to offer some comfort and maybe open a dialogue -- even though I realize asking such a dumb question may come across as merely 'spitting on a raging fire' (no help at all). If taking trobalt helps you get by and hang in there -- by all means!

Until then, realize we are on your side and in your corner during this time.

Prayers!

Mark

 

Need to rant a little bit.
I had a day which was on one side good, on the other side bad.
Good was that T did not stop me doing the planned things.
Bad was that my anxiety was sky high today. Loud T, high anxiety, I would have taken any pill today.
I can only go with loud masking sounds, which seems very unpleasant today.
We just came from cinema and watched the Hobbit. So much death, so many tears - of course only a movie.
I thought about myself and my kids crying when I can no longer cope.
What a nightmare. Don't know how I should work tomorrow.
T is the biggest sh... on earth, as positive as one could be.
If T cannot kill me, the anxiety and depression will do on the long run.
My T is just too damn loud.
Sorry for the negative post, but had to write something today.
And if Trobalt gives me relief for even a day or two inbetween, I would gladly take it.

 

@jacomien @SoulStation
Thanks for the hugs. But honestly I do not like them.
It is a little bit like compassion/charity.
I just want a little bit lower volume in my head or habituation.
Nevertheless, thanks. I know this is meant positive by you.

 

@Martin69 It sounds like this is really getting to you at the moment - as is the nature of T. Would it help to get your doc to sign you off work for a bit, give you time to rest and process some of your feelings? Going on my own experience when my feelings are so raw, being stuck on the treadmill of work everyday doesn't give me room in my head to deal with stuff. Especially if you've got kids needing attention at weekends - much as this can be a blessing as well. Everyone is different in what helps... shout for what you feel you need 'cos the world rarely offers it if you don't (again, my experience).

 

@dboy
Actually I have some vacation left. I will have tomorrow or Tuesday my last day.
Then nearly three weeks vacation and one week online training.
Yes, maybe it helps. But on the other side, my T is really bad. I even don't know how to celebrate Christmas with my family.
My wife runs her own company. She asked me if I could quit my job completely helping her in her office. She needs help there anyway. I could work how I want, could care for the kids and household besides that. I don't know yet. I would even get a big package after being 20 years with my company. But I just do not want to make a decision when having anxiety and depression. But I have the feeling my job is no longer what I am looking for on the long run (stressful support job in leading-edge technology).
Sometimes I think that I should stop and take the package - that at least my family has a good amount of money if I do not make it to the habituation side. How sad.

 

@Martin69 It might be the case then that over the next few weeks the way forward will start to seem clearer. You will no doubt be thinking about all this a lot. The option to work with your wife might be just what you need. If it is lower stress then you might find the tinnitus starts to seem less severe. If your job is regularly stressful then that cannot be good. I guess what I am saying is that if what is happening now is not working for you and you have another option then...

But I am only really picking up on what you yourself said about not knowing how you would cope tomorrow.

 

I also wanted to say having read a couple of your posts previously that you seem a very strong person, and are maybe not giving yourself enough credit for that. Even when you talk about a final escape from the T, you are thinkīng of its effects on others ahead of yourself. This is to be admired, but what your family really needs is for you to be as well as you can be, and sometimes that means you have to put yourself first in the short term, so you are there for them in the long term.

I know this is kind of obvious so apologies for that. I wish there was more I could say.

 

Why don't you celebrate by taking your wife and kids to a homeless shelter where all of you together can help prepare and serve a Christmas meal to those in need. It just might be your most meaningful Christmas ever!

Dr. Stephen Nagler

 

@Mr Carrman

Is this really true? Cos I am living in a real bad domestic abuse situation with a monster. It is constant fear and physical and emotional abuse and he screams in my ear constantly on purpose and plays music really loud and his guitar really loud. Finally I have found a bit of a hovel to move to this week. Some guys are coming round to pin him down while my stuff gets loaded onto their truck. Then i will be living totally isolated from him but he wont know where i am. There is no one around there and i will be utterly alone but it will be better than living with the terror of him and his drinking and abuse. He will go crazy when this happens but I dont care. He will spend xmas alone with no tv or phone (phone is in my name and i am cutting it off nor will he have internet or car or any money). Let him see what it is to suffer. The owner is letting me move in with no money cos he can see the state i am in. He reckons that I am about to break down. I have suffered this abuse for ten years but it has gotten worse and worse. This is what i mean by stress. I am hoping that once i am out of here then my T which is going up day by day due to all of this will eventually quieten down so it will not be so bad. Perhaps this T started due to all the stress of living with him?

 

Im seriously sorry to hear about all the stuff you have been through!! Yes, its true. Another girl I talked to had it for 6 months before it went away, she didnt know where it came from but she believed it was due to stress as well, because she was having a terrible stressful time when her tinnitus started.

Seems like you are doing the right thing though.. I cant see how being in a relationship like that would be healthy in any way.. I think too much emotional and psychological stress has the potential to shut down the body in unexpected ways..

Im happy to hear that you are getting your life back on track!!

Strength and honor!

 

Amandine music to my ears ,your finally leaving ,not before time .
Now stay well away ,this was the break you keep saying you much needed,it's here .Peace and quiet from all the rants and ravings ,make sure the pets are safe .
Gradually think to getting back into UK .Whatever you do never let him back into your life .Hes a coward ,and got the nerve to have Man attached to him .Shame on him .
Good luck to the move ,here's an early .Merry Christmas and Happy New Year .

 

Martin I just want to say hang in there man ....I sometimes think that I'm just living my life for my family and I suffer in silence to see them happy it's so terrible .....I often just go off on my own and cry like a baby till I have no more feelings then come home and pretend I'm ok it sucks ....God help us all

 

GOOD FOR YOU!! wishing you all the best!!!

 

amadine
Good move (moving out); so sorry for your situation and I'm glad you've found the courage to make such a move. A very wise man once said 'husbands love your wives and live with them in understanding' (paraphrased).

I've been a firm believer stress has a lot to do with T; it's impossible to determine if stress actually causes T, but I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find it creates a very fertile chemical/biological environment for the birth of T. Chronic stress breaks us down in so many ways.

Sadly, simply removing stress will likely not result in ridding yourself of T; however, less stress certainly makes your T far more manageable (tolerable) which, in turn, causes you less stress. I know when I'm stressing my T is a real bugger!

Prayers!

Mark

 

@Mr Cartman

Thanks for your post. I am a bit confused. You said that she had it for one year but in your second post you said she had it for six months. Sorry but wondered which it was. thanks

 

There were two girls, one had it for 1 year, the second one had it for 6 months..

 

@Mr. Cartman

And both of them it resolved itself. But i thought that it was very very rare to resolve itself.

And both of them thought that it was stress induced?
Gosh i had never heard of it before. But you knew people before you had T? I had not ever heard of anyone with it before.

so you think that there may be some hope for me then cos i never listened to loud music or headphones or ipod or mp3 or concert or used power tools. Nada!! All i did was move house with the monster.
While we were moving for example and we went to use the card in the petrol pumps at the supermarket which closes at 7pm, well the card would not work, So the monsters solution to this is to get out of the card and swear at me and start kicking me. My solution was to go to the local kebab shop run by turkish guys. I explained the problem and the turkish guy came with me to the garage for fuel, put fuel in my car and i gave him the cash. Simple! But monster has hysterics. And waits for me to sort everything out. Oh yes and i forgot, he cant put one sentence together in french and depends on me to do all the translations. He in fact thinks that is it funny that he cannot speak the lingo.

so getting back on topic, there is some hope for me then?

 

Yes, both resolved.. I didnt know that they had tinnitus before I got it myself and accidently brought up the issue..
Yeah, both got tinnitus during a very emotionally stressful period of their life.. Another friend of mine had noise induced tinnitus for 2 years and it resolved.. I dont think its a good thing to kind of sit around and wait for it to resolve, but it certainly can happen

 

@Mr. Cartman

Wow! I really hope these are true stories. Not saying they are not but just seems incredible to me that everyone says that it never or very very rarely happens and yet you know two women that this happened to and during stressful emotional times too.
and you know someone who had it noise induced and it resolved as well after 2 years. It is incredible. When i have done internet searches i have never found anyone who said their t resolved except for those who say that they habituated naturally or thru trt.
So good news stories really. How can stress and emotion cause T though? I dont understand how that can happen? What about people in war zones? like citizens being bombed. They dont get t. Or those in the holocaust camps in WW11. They didnt get T. They got typhoid and all sorts of killer diseases and survived but they didnt get T. Surely that must have been stressful and emotional....I just dont understand....
but anyway means that there is hope for me then.
Sure will be hard moving out and he will holler and scream but one of the guys is going to pin him down while I am moved out of here. Even going to take the dog. Let him know what it is to be terrorised for a change....see how big he is hitting a man instead of a woman of 4 feet 11 inches tall.

 

Yes, they are true stories

I dont know how stress and emotions can cause tinnitus, but it seems to me like they can..

A lot of people in the war zone have got tinnitus though..

It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing! We only have one life as far as I know, and we should try to make the best out of it!

 

@amandine

One of the ladies from my work had t gone after 6 months after a stressful period in her life.
Mine never went away and it just keeps causing more stress
Hope you are ok!

 

How do you know they didnt? Im saying they did. Tinnitus a very common condition amongst war veterans. Theyre exposed not only due to stress and traumatic event, but also loud noises from bombs and weapons. I think I read somewhere that about 50% of all the soldiers who returned from Afghanistan, returned with tinnitus, so people in these war zones are exposed. Stress can cause tinnitus, but that doesnt mean it will cause tinnitus, the same way that youre not insured to get lung cancer if you smoke. Youre just increasing the chance of getting it.

 

@dboy Your postings of course help.

I guess you must be strong living such a long time with such a crazy sound in your head. I had already some really difficult times in my life and went through them. But my T is another category.

I had to take a benzo (Tavor) today for coping. T is just too loud and I am going the negative loop downwards. I will now take vacation for three weeks and see what happens. I cannot take the last exit. I cannot do this because of my boys. I was with my boys every day of their lives since they were born. We have such a close relationship.

But I don't know how much more I can take. My T is just simply too loud.

 

Martin just want to say that your strength gives others hope please hang in there.

 

Please have a plan for doing something positive in your life during the three weeks. You already know that your tinnitus will not be appreciably different in three weeks, right? So the change has to come from within you. Otherwise there will be no change at all.

You are 100% correct. So why even bring it up?

And it will be just as loud in three weeks. @Martin69, please go back to my last post in this thread (#99). Make a difference in the life of somebody less fortunate than yourself. That's what will make a difference in your own life. Just waiting to get better will not get the job done, in my opinion.

Dr. Stephen Nagler

 

I hope you enjoy your vacation @Martin69. Do as little or as much as you feel in your heart is right for you. Your kids are lucky to have someone like you.

 

Hi Stephen,

Thanks for your support.

I guess I just have a difficult time right now.

I am living with this loud dentist drill for 14 months now. Sometimes better, sometimes worse.
But I had the one or other day in the past where it was a little bit milder and I had a day relief. Now, it is constantly high, oscillating, really difficult to handle. Maybe it is just that I thought I must have habituated to this already. I am also sometimes really bothered by the sound enrichment I have to put around me. Maybe just one of the setbacks on the long journey.

I do a lot of positive things in my life. I keep busy, care for my family, my wife and my kids.
I also help sometimes in the retirement home of my grandma (95 years old). I care for other kids and spend my time there (although it is only for kids and not homeless, poor people). I know what you mean with homeless people. I sometimes think I did enough for others and not enough for me.

And I am absolutely in the picture what I have and others not. I have family, I have great kids, wife, a job, money (from which we give a lot to others). And many others would like to swap with me.

So I do not wait getting better. I do things getting better like going through an MBSR course (Full catastrophe living). Or not reacting to T by going out, socializing, doing something with my family. I do my work - although very difficult with high tension, anxiety and depression.

My T will be the same in 3 weeks, it will be probably the same in 3 or 30 years. But reacting to this is still a battle. It is not just a sound, it is a power plant on full blast. I am wondering if someone can also habituate to this.

What helped today (I had no other choice) was taking a benzo and putting talk radio onto my headset.
So I could finish my work.

 

We normally go skiing. But everything is still green here.
So I will go swimming with kids. Then I can do some sports and it is hell loud there.

Yes, my larger son (12) oftentimes comes to me and hugs me. I guess he sees how I suffer - although I do not show this. Suicide is absolutely no option. My boys heart would be broken forever.

But coping with this sound is very difficult. My wife just says: Honey, you suffer like crazy but one day you would have made it. Wow, hard but maybe right. She has her own problems (cancer) and need to stay strong there. So I did not talk about T with her for 4-6 weeks. Just yesterday and today was a setback on my side.

 

Hi Carlos.
That's interesting. There are really people saying (in private chats) that if I can make it they follow me.
How strange.

No one can compare T to someone else. I think I have it bad, I don't know if catastrophic.
But this is another reason staying strong and going through this BS.

From day 1 I told myself, I will write a Success Story one day. Although sometimes it would be much easier giving up than continuing. But taking the last exit is also nothing you can do easily.

I don't know if there will ever be a Success Story by me. We will see.