Tinnitus, Lifestyle, Misery, Impact on Life

I acquired tinnitus around 2012 at a concert. It was mild but annoying. It was high-pitched and had improved over several years.

Fast-forward to 2024. I'm married to an extroverted burlesque dancer who loves to go out. Tomorrow is our anniversary, and she wants to attend a burlesque show while we are on a trip.

Rewind to 6 days... We attended a show at a local community theater. I am wearing custom molded earplugs, but it was so loud that I was feeling pain and left about an hour and a half into two and a half-hour show and just sat in the lobby cause it hurt to be in there. My tinnitus starts to become prominent. We had even asked the small venue to turn it down a bit. I wrote the venue a note via email, but they haven't replied. I tried contacting an attorney and explained what happened, but they wouldn't take the case. I intend to try more attorneys.

Two days later, it's still there, and my ears still feel stuffy. I asked my wife if she would show me the data her Apple Watch recorded about noise levels during the show... I see it shows peaks of 119 dB, and it was obvious that they turned the volume up even after we asked them to turn it down.

I made an appointment to see the audiologist, and they said there was no hearing loss. Their PA says they could prescribe Valium, but they have only ever done it once for tinnitus. I called a few days later to see if they could do anything for me, and they referred me to a therapist for CBT therapy. They said they wanted to try this before anything else. I'm now looking into Lenire. I have tried THC (at least it makes me a little happier), Fioricet (calms me down a bit), and now I am trying some Gabapentin. Of course, I don't try all of these together simultaneously. I'm desperate.

I can hear the tinnitus over almost everything. I'm on an airplane right now, and it isn't enough to mask it. The only thing that seems to mask it is when I use the toilet or shower. I hear it over my own voice, and I am miserable.

I am making my wife miserable talking about it (she doesn't want to hear about it anymore). I am now ruining our anniversary by telling her that I don't want to go to the event we scheduled to go to on our anniversary tomorrow night because of the potential for it being loud and making things worse (based on advice I read in this forum about healing). When I told her, she cried about it. This was the main reason for this trip.

My wife produces burlesque shows. This is what she loves to do. She wants me to be there and participate, and I have even performed with her. I even wear earplugs while performing. I do the lighting, stand in the back at her shows, and wear earplugs when I attend. I'm very defensive about my hearing in general because I know I am sensitive. I'm afraid of what this means for us if I can't be there for her. I think she will quit if I can't go, and I feel like I am going to prevent her from being happy, and I don't want to do that. It's not fair to her.

I'm having trouble concentrating, reading, and listening to people due to the distraction.

I have told my wife I would rather be deaf than live with this, and maybe I could find someone to make that happen. Then, she reminded me that I would never be able to hear my son perform again. He is second-chair clarinet in his high school's top band and performs in ensembles. I was so upset that I didn't even consider that. Further, it reminded me that I couldn't enjoy his music again without hearing the tinnitus on top of it.

I have other disorders that are difficult enough as it is, including ADHD, cPTSD, depression, and an eating disorder. The therapy will benefit me regardless of whether it helps the tinnitus. I've managed these other issues for most of my life OK, but this is pushing me beyond my own limits of tolerability.

Desperate, heartbroken, and lost here.

 

I also want to mention that I can't fall asleep anymore without taking Ambien. This is a problem because it makes me snore and it wakes up my wife... So we sleep separately. Sleeping together is important to us.

 

Hi mate,

It sounds like you’ve potentially experienced an acoustic trauma. Stuffy ears, increased tinnitus, and pain after loud noise exposure are often symptoms of acoustic trauma.

You’re in a bit of a window where you must protect your hearing as much as you feasibly can for the next weeks/months. There’s no reason why your tinnitus shouldn’t die back down again in due time.

I know it’s a pain to think of changing your anniversary plans due to your injury, but it’s akin to hurting your ankle before a proposed run. You wouldn’t still intend to follow, though. The same thing applies here. One stranger to another who knows exactly how bad things can get. Do not attend that burlesque show you have planned.

Take care, mate, all the best.

 

It sounds like an acoustic trauma, as @Hardwell also mentions.

Anyhow, it breaks my heart to hear that your wife is miserable due to your suffering. It seems like your wife should show some compassion and stop thinking about herself in this situation. Changes in life happen, good and bad. They're unavoidable. Not everything in life goes according to a plan.

You need to tell her this, and she should support you rather than make you feel guilty. It's not fair—at all. Personally, I get angry just by reading this.

Things will get better with time, patience, and supportive people around you who can accept changes and adapt. All the best!

 

Hello @Kumquats.

I too was in a similar situation, and we split up for a while.

My heart breaks for you. This illness can genuinely test a relationship.

I agree with @MindOverMatter; you need lots of support and patience to overcome this. You should not feel bullied into attending noisy environments when they make you feel uncomfortable.

Try and talk to your wife, and explain what is happening.

Remember, this illness can be unpredictable. It's essential to prioritize your own self-care during these times, until the situation starts to stabilize.

 

Welcome to the forum. You likely suffered acoustic trauma. It will take months for your ears to settle down and heal. Perhaps get some articles or success stories about this and let her read them so she knows your struggle is real but can be temporary. After it heals, the ears will be able to handle noises better, but you still need to protect your ears or avoid loud venues to prevent this problem from happening again. Perhaps try some outdoor activities such as hiking or boating, even traveling with your wife so she can enjoy time with you in more quiet settings.

You can read my success story below and be hopeful you can be well again. I used not even to be able to bear the soft voice of my dear wife during the worst time. Right now, I can go to movies, go on a plane without earplugs, go on cruises with loud and crowded environments, etc. I used to bring ear protection, but no longer. If I need it, I use my fingers, lol. I never could expect such an improvement after having a tough struggle with two episodes of severe hyperacusis. So keep up your hope. Take care. God bless.

→ From Darkness to Light, How I Recovered from Tinnitus & Hyperacusis

 

You should know that becoming deaf voluntarily will most likely not stop your tinnitus. Tinnitus, as far as we can tell, is a brain issue. The damage may start in the ear, but the ringing is produced elsewhere.

I can relate very much to your story. I can no longer do much of anything because of my highly reactive tinnitus and my constant, loud, temporary tones, and it's put my relationship on the rocks after nearly six years.

Also, your wife should come to understand that you have an invisible disability/injury. It impacts you very much, although you aren't visibly bleeding all over the floor or using a wheelchair. That part will take some heart-to-heart communication about expectations and new realities.

 

Thank you for all the responses, suggestions, advice, and stories. I needed to be heard, and I felt the support.

We are heading home after our trip. All live venue attendance was canceled. It was pretty disappointing for us both, but we understood it was the best thing to do. We both canceled shows we were excited to attend.

NYC is a tough place for this. I have a new perspective about noise levels there. I don't recommend going anywhere near Time Square. Sirens, music, whistles, shouting, it was a scary experience for me. We tried to go very early on Monday afternoon, thinking it would not be so bad, but we were mistaken. We took a car ride home because I couldn't handle the sound of the live music in the subway. This was once a place where I thrived amongst the chaos and ruckus. Everything felt too loud, and I felt like wildlife scared in a city. Maybe one day I will return when I feel better.

We also went to Coney Island. The rides were closed, so it was great to listen to the ocean.

Leaving Coney Island was something. We decided to walk to a restaurant about 30m away, and I couldn't take the sound of the subway overhead even with earplugs. My wife told me to run ahead, and I ran a street over, ended up taking myself through an industrial district with forklifts that switched to my side of the sidewalk and turned toward me, past a jackhammer that was luckily not being used but about to be used, over an overpass of a highway with honking 18 wheelers, past a school bus depot with beeping school busses backing up, through the projects with blaring music, and met her at the restaurant (she just walked along the path with the subway overhead). It was unexpected, for sure. I just kept trying to dodge sounds that hurt. Again, I felt scared of wildlife.

We got home later and had a heart-to-heart about what was happening. We are going to adapt. We have been married for four years. Going out to live shows (and producing our own), seeing movies, going out to eat, and helping our child's marching band are the activities we generally do together. We will find new activities until I am ready again. Thank you for the suggestions above.

 

Truth. It will be much worse because you cannot mitigate the tinnitus with ambient sounds. In every case I have heard of, the patient still had tinnitus even when the nerve was severed. Don't do it. Tinnitus doesn't work that way.