What Is Life Worth without Hearing Normally?

Funny, I suspected your reply would be along those lines. For all of that you do have quite an insight into life. Not much else I can really say except that for all that you are worth as much as the best of us.

 

I have not much insight other than to see how low it can go. Not in "the mess in the middle East" low, but low as in how little this western society cares about its fellow human, throughout my years. There are exceptions, but there isnt enough of them.

How much of life is just a cosmic lottery. The truth is no one really cares about me. Yes, many people have been helpful on here. Not just in these threads but via other messages as well. But, reality is that I didnt have family support when I needed it. I didnt have doctors guidance when I needed it the most. Doctors didn't care and I saw how low they can all go when a human is in need of help. I watched how easily life can go from on the right track to having me probably ending it sometime this year.

Unfortunately, this life is a cosmic joke and I'm tired of it. I feel I'm better rolling the dice and seeing what comes next than sit here and just suffer for nothing.

Trust me, if I was gone tomorrow (for example), people might slightly notice, but would move on the next day. I'm just a random person on the internet and know that.

Some people get a "normal" or good life thanks to some cosmic lottery luck. Some don't. Normal isnt free of suffering either, but temporary suffering thar one can tough through and become stronger on the other end. Not permanent health problems that teach person nothing other than how low life can go and how little many people can care. Also, how many "strong" people aren't all that strong, they just got the right lottery numbers in this life.

I'm saddened that this happened. That my life had to take, once again, another stupid turn for the bad. But, this seems to be life and it seems life wasn't meant for me to be here.

 

I used to be highly deterministic and motivated until I turned 15 and developed tinnitus and floaters. Up until this point, I believed that I was the master of my own destiny and had full control over my quality of life. Sure, maybe eventually I'd develop cancer and die or something, but I had many bright decades ahead of me.

Then, my hearing and sight in my left ear and left eye suddenly shit the bed with two untreatable, horribly distracting conditions, and I gave up on life, my determinism and stoicism shattered instantly. I remember thinking on my 16th birthday that I wouldn't survive to adulthood.

Tinnitus strikes randomly and hard. It is an illogical condition that hurts the healthy and the ill, the old and the young. You can be 21 years old, sit at home every day for a decade in silence and still get tinnitus, whereas your father can go out to deafening metal concerts monthly in the front row, take ototoxic drugs, wear headphones, and never develop it in over 40 years.

I'm not going to shower you with pointless platitudes and "go git 'em, champ" sentimentality, because it would be a lie. I'm suffering just as much as you. I'm just going to tell you this:

The reality is that you're not "just some person on the internet," you're a real person who really suffers from a real auditory condition. I've spent a third of the last decade of my life addicted to games and the internet to escape my health problems. I have had the exact same feeling. Don't delude yourself into thinking your suffering is unimportant. Many of us are in the same situation and benefit from each others' company.

 

Unfortunately I am a random person on the internet though. My family has written me off at this point. I spoke to one today to get off everything I needed to say to them about what I thought about life in case I leave. I said what I needed to say. They know that I'm probably going and said do waht you need to do basically. Not that there is much else that can be said by them.

Unfortunately I am a random person on the net and in this world. Maybe I was too mentally weak. But even people on here, who some know what it's like to have both hearing loss and the noise, are tired of hearing it too. Not that I can blame anyone as who wants to be around someone who complains all the time.

My uncle had a horrible childhood too and led to a horrible adult life. He died a early death as well. Maybe it's time to go say hi to him, if that even occurs when it ends.

 

Money shot right there.

 

Polynesian saying. "You eat life, or life eat you."

 

One of the most destructive thinking patterns any of us can have, whether it's for a small problem in our life or a larger problem, is to compare, compare, compare ourselves with others, with our PERCEPTION of others.

For instance, you could be newly diagnosed with some hard medical problem, and then go out and look at everyone who seems to be all la-dee-dah happy and you could think, "THEY'RE fine, and my life sucks."

But you DON'T know that! That healthy person standing over there? Maybe he goes home to a bedbound wife who has a dread handicap. That laughing person over there? Maybe they're laughing in the moment but tomorrow their loved one is going to die. That person who looks all great and put together? Maybe they're struggling with some hidden condition you can't see.

And not to be all doom and gloom. There is SO much happiness and beauty around us too, and if we take it for granted, then our loss!

Little kids often see the wonders more clearly. And, careful adults, who make sure never to let the beauty out of their sight.

When is the last time you looked up at the moon, and saw what it is? A round gorgeous light hanging all grand and mysterious in your night sky. Many people never even look anymore. I'm not going to go all poetic here and list everything. You get the idea. It is a miracle JUST to be here.

Yes, there is suffering and pain in this existence. There is also joy, and the opportunity to seek joy.

And ... and this is maybe most important: there is the opportunity to GIVE joy. To BE a light to others. And no matter how "Life" has "treated" you, there is always the choice to look past your own particular internal universe and to expand outward and help others. It usually makes you feel better when you do.

I am not writing this to jd in particular.

It's just important to say. (Also I am up at 5 a.m. and can't sleep ).

But really: No matter what "happens" to you, you've won a "lottery" just by being here, considering the odds of your particular sperm hitting the egg and bringing you into being.

Do you want to be a blessing here on earth? To paraphrase, it's kind of like Kennedy said: Ask not what Life can do for you, ask what YOU can do for Life.

If more people in general (not just those on tinnitus or other boards, but everyone) could just step outside of their own selves just even a LITTLE bit more, well, the world would get a little better.

Here: I lost a $100 bill tonight. Fell right out of my pocket and no one returned it. And I decided within three minutes of knowing it was gone that I wasn't going to waste ONE minute of emotional energy about it. Because it's just a random stupid little thing inside my own little personal universe and it really isn't a big deal.

But we all fall victim to thinking that the only thing that counts here is our own dramas and nothing past that. Yes, our lives and dramas matter. But there is a larger role we are here to play too. It is the role where we engage with life to BE of meaning in this world, not to just see what the world can give us.

Okay, I'm rambling now. Just ... I don't know ... just ... it's NOT a lottery. It just is what it is. And there is a way to find love and magic in it. But it's an active process, not a passive one. And it involves being a giver.

 

You can indeed be a "giver" in life, and many of us are/were/will be again, but sometimes an Acme brand anvil will still fall from a ledge somewhere, somehow. That's why Muslims (and others) use the phrase "God willing" a lot. It covers that bit of open space between "life is a lottery" and "life is what you make it".

 

jdjd09 - My father and uncle committed suicide. I never understood. I was angry with my father for 30 years until I, after a lot of misfortune with my health, went into major depression half a year ago. Now I understand. I think the way you do.

Your hearing problem has pushed you over the edge. But your hearing is not the problem. Depression is. You will adapt to your hearing problem. Not today, probably not before december but you will.

Don't give up without a fight. Go see a therapist, maybe try anti depressants. I know it's hard to hear people being so positive all the time when all you see is pain. But you will get your rose colored glasses back some day and maybe fall in love.

Please choose to believe that.

A friend of mine is a very successful computer programmer. He suffered from sudden single side deafness with loud tinnitus. He was depressed for three years and lost his will to live. Got into therapie, started using Saint Johns Worth (natural anti depressant) and started exercising. Today he lives a happy life is married and has two children.

This could be you.

 

@hartje5 , Can I ask how old your friend was when he experienced the sudden deafness? How long was he a programmer? Also, is he completely deaf in one ear now and how loud is his tinnitus? Also, how long did it take for him to get his life back to "normal" per say?

Really curious about your friends story basically. Thanks for letting me know and I hope to hear back from you.

 

@hartje5 , also I am sorry to hear about what happened to your relatives. I hope you are doing Ok now in spite of that.

 

My friend is completely deaf in one ear and has loud tinnitus. I think he was in his mid twenties when this happend.

 

@hartje5 , can he hear conversations fine? I guess I would love to hear more stories like his and learn how they got on with life.

Also, has he had any issues with programming or gettijg jobs when he explains this to people?

Sorry to bagger you with questions. Just really want to learn more from people like him and how he got on with life.

 

He just tells people to speak louder because he's a bit deaf and sometimes jokes about it to make people feel at ease. People are more than willing to speak more clearly or repeat what they just said if you ask them to. He has no issue with getting jobs. He has his own company (with him being the only employee).

 

@hartje5 , how old is he now? Was he able to work during his three years of hell?

I just don't know if I can honestly make it another three years. It's insane how much my life has changed in just 6months from waht is was.

 

I sadly feel I just need a cure before I'll be able to live a normal life :/. And feel that no one is really trying to find a cure sadly. I just feel like everything is meaningless research, with no intention of putting anything out for human use.

I want to have that thought process turned around, but I really feel this way. But I would like a cure for hearing loss the most.

 

That doesn't make any sense. There are labs that work on curing hearing loss, with the goal of applying the cure to people, millions of people. If it wasn't for people, who would they be curing hearing loss for? Rats?

Stanford is one one of them. Watch their videos, you'll see what they do, where they're at, and what their goals are.

Could there be more labs and resources towards it? Sure, but saying no-one is really trying to find a cure is a completely false statement. Stanford isn't the only one, either.

I expect that one day the technology around cochlear implants is going to be so good that we'll be able to replicate the function of the inner ear with enough quality to make you feel like your ear is "normal" (and without T or H!). That's a much longer term deadline I'm afraid, but bypassing the cochlea means we can replace the whole pipeline from the ear drum to the nerve, so a lot of ailments that affect parts of this pipeline will essentially be sidestepped.

 

@GregCA , I realize that those and other organizations say they are doing research. But, I rarely see much of any progress reports of any real moment with it. I understand medical research can move slow, but it feels like its moving at a complete snails pace. I read an article 10 years ago that said similar things that they are saying today. What went on during that time honestly? I wouldn't know, they don't really put out any progress reports really. It just seems like nothing is really being done.

If progress is being made, awesome. It would be nice to see what that progress actually is though. I just seems to always read the same thing over and over though with no real progress.

 

Have you asked those friends in your current location, how much they care?
and more important, how much you care? about yourself?
i can relate, my family is very loving and all, but at the end of the day, the have their own issues.
and thats is like that for everyone, not even your family is gonna care a big time for your issues.
but i do this for myself, there are more things to see, feel and experience.
support yourself, you dont need anybody else.
not easy, but not impossible.

 

One said they cared, but that is all words (no offense to them). Family life is not good, so I will save that answer as that will lead this thread down another road. Sure, I cared about myself before this. Now I am not really able to live it seems. At the end of the day, people move on, that is just how it goes. People have there own lives to worry about.

I don't know what I can really experience anymore. Most people want to go out to bars, clubs, and loud places. I can't risk it anymore I don't feel. I don't know what or how to protect my hearing anymore and what noises are excessive and what aren't. I don't know what else I need or can do to protect my hearing. Sure, "wear earplugs". I wore them when I got the initial issue with headphones. They were rated 32db too btw. So, ear plugs can only go so far. Also, I hear people saying that once your hearing is damaged it's more susceptible to damage? But, then no one really knows on that either it seems.

So, sure, there is a lot to experience in this world. It's just a lot of that involves noise in this world. Festivals, traveling, etc. etc.. People want to be around noise and don't understand those who are scared to lose hearing.

So, yeah, I really don't know how to experience life anymore like this.

 

jdjd09, how about looking into just ONE THING that is a new experience that you might enjoy, where noise is not such an issue.

No need to reinvent all of life, all at once.

Just ONE THING. Why not join a hiking group and take one hike?

I am concerned that you spend a lot of time thinking and thinking the same kinds of thoughts, and they are not leading you anywhere positive. Yes, they are your thoughts. But since they are not getting you anywhere right now, why not take a mini-break and literally, go take a hike?

Two or three hours walking on a trail can have enormously positive effects. And there wouldn't be any music blasting or horns honking.

Sometimes, you've just gotta MAKE yourself do it.

 

I get that you're frustrated by the pace, but that's not what you said:

So let me reiterate to you: yes, there are people working on it, and it's not meaningless, and it's targeted at humans.
It'll never be fast enough for those who suffer from a lack of cure, but it's making progress.

Why don't you follow the link I gave you? It leads you to the 2015 report for that effort.

 

Jd,
i totally get you, all my hobbies and passions...had music and noise VERY involved.
music festivals, bars, concerts, dj sets, parties...ETC.
its hard for me too to avoid places i love, and see my friends having fun.
but life and the universe works in mysterious ways and we must accept it, to move forward.
right now im focusing in my art, my job, going out with friends to other type of places.
just as pathmaker said... "you spend a lot of time thinking and thinking the same kinds of thoughts"
i dont blame you, but you need to change those thoughts so you can have a different outcome.
dont be afraid to do it, its gonna help you, and this is something only YOU can do.
no one, is gonna help you. or me, or anyone in this forum.
the way i see it, its like you have to different things to keep moving forward, or youll get stuck in the way.

 

And look, you say people and friends around you dont care much, thats okey.
but look at this thread, it has 5 pages, and all of us are making an effort to support you.
because we care about each other, imagine if us would do that for you (us being complete strangers)
i cant imagine what all that people around you would do for you.

but again, this is not about people helping you,
its about you helping youself, you can do it

 

jbjb I think you should look into CBT self help. If you do the CBT exercises, after a while you'll find out that a lot of you're thinking is repetitive. These are thought patterns your brain is used to follow, they are ingrained because you go down that same road again and again. In your case they are very negative about your hearing. You are in fact teaching your brain to think this way because you practice it all day! But are these thought helping you? Are they always true? Is there another way to look at your situation that brings more joy or hope and is more realistic? Try and teach yourself to think differently. Correct yourself. Write down what you would want to think and every time you catch yourself going down the negative spiral try and replace those thoughts with more realistic ones. That might be hard work but it pays off because your teaching your brain to go down a different road and after a while your feelings will follow. Try to be an observer of your own mind.

It's like throwing a basketball into the bucket. If you think: this won't work, this won't work, I will miss. Guess what happens...?

Btw my friend is in his forties now. He used the 3 years to study programming (he's an autodidact), that took his mind of his tinnitus and depression.

 

@hartje5 , do you have any specific CBT exercises you would recommend that I could try now? Is there one you feel may be the most helpful?

I just don't feel like my life will ever be good like this. I don't understand how your friend has lived the last 20+ with this issue. He really feels that the hearing loss hasn't effected his social or work relations at all in a negative way? What does he think the most important thing was for him to get over it? Also, last, what does he do at this point to protect the rest of his hearing?

Also, has his hearing loss and tinnitus gotten worse/unbearable over time?

Sorry for all these questions. Your friend just seems like a great example of a way to improve. I would just love to learn everything I can from him to see if it can change my life as well.

 

I think the best thing you could do is find a psychologist who could help you and teach you all about CBT. There are some good self help books out there as well. Billy49's succes story mentions one, maybe you can look that one up. I'm Dutch so I don't know what CBT book in English would be beste.

My friend told me that once his depression cleared he was able to except and move on. But that took some hard work. Counseling, exercise, and Saint Johns Worth plus he did the 10 second TRT exercise when he started feeling a little better. His tinnitus and hearing are still the same. The only time it gets worse is when he has the flue or a cold.