Hello
@missingsilence - so sorry to hear you are struggling.
I think it's a very humane reaction to any kind of (possibly chronic) ailment to kind of feel at loss. Some people bounce back quick, some people need time to accept, adapt and move on. What may be happening with you is simple: grief and disappointment because this happened to you. You have lost something (well, we have - silence at least) and there's also fear the unknown: what will happen in the future and will you be able to cope. Imagine someone getting a diagnosis of some other bothersome disorder - they might go through same emotions, since these things change our lives in a way we did not plan. The most important thing is to believe in how incredibly skilled human beings are in adaptation. That's our brain's speciality! Even when things fall apart, we'll be able to pick up the pieces, glue them together and turn a new page.
I understand the frustration of being in college and having had completely different expectations where you would be now. That perhaps you would be able to go to loud parties, festivals - well, just enjoying a carefree life. I was starting my new studies and kind of finally rising from deep depths of anxiety and depression, to start new life - that's when T started. I can't describe how broken-hearted I was to realize my highly anticipated new beginning now had a scary shadow. I had been learning to socialize again and enthusiastic to go into uni events, having found like-minded individuals. But because my anxiety went through the roof and my T is reactive, I gave some of it up - no loud get-togethers, parties or even more quiet social gatherings, since I've been so beaten down emotionally. So it can be hard.
Wait up! I'm not gonna leave my message to such doom & gloom, though. You ask how will you ever be the same person again, but aren't we always changing? Life always brings surprising challenges and they shape who we are and who we decide to become. When we experience serious setbacks, there is always chance to find ways to rise back up. Perhaps we won't live exactly same life than before the setback, but we can assess the compulsory limitations (=like avoiding superloud concerts) and explore new things to enjoy. Perhaps we won't be the ones dancing the night away in a crowded nightclub, but I have found new joy in other things. In fact, because of T I now have more of a personal perspective. I'm trying out activities: finally started DnD roleplaying sessions and meet people for boardgames or sitting in a sunny park. Or enjoying just something as simple as eating a tasty meal and using pleasant music as a masker. Not that I don't have plenty of dark days... but we gotta balance them out somehow.
So can you find things to enjoy T can't touch? Even if it tries to, don't allow it shrivel all the good things in your life. Rather take power back from T than increase it - and what could be better way to do it than do something that makes you forget about it. Even for brief moments, at first. What could these things be? If it's hard to think of the bigger picture, start from the smallest possible thing. It's summer - perhaps enjoying the nature would put a smile on your face? Is there a new hobby you could try? You are falling apart, you say - think of what could help keep it all together. Blaming yourself is the last thing, it is too easy for us to be wise about the past. In present we keep making mistakes, that's humane. In addition, don't be afraid of reaching out to people close to you, for support and comfort. Do you have friends or family to rely on?
I wish you all the best. Not sure how helpful my answer is, but I can relate to those feelings and wanted you to know you're not alone.
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