Broke Up from a Brief Relationship — Now I Miss the Girl — Advice?

Hello All!

I hope everything is going well. I want to ask for some advice as here is very mature and sensible people (as all we tinnitus sufferers) and I invite you to give me advice in case you think it can help me.

I was 2.5 years ago in a brief relationship with a girl. To make the story short, she was having many psychological issues, and I knew she had to do work alone as she was previously from an a bit abusive relationship. I tried to help her, motivate her a lot, i loved her a lot, but it drained all my energy and I was starting to suffer a lot too due to her problems, so I decided to break up with her so she could be time alone and heal all the heavy stuff she was having over.

A couple months after the break up I developed all my ear problems, limiting my life, and also started to build a business with very inappropriate co-founders, so everything has added up and I feel quite lonely and miss her a lot. Probably I am missing her more because of my situation and loneliness, and I can risk to go back to a relationship where I felt really bad. But I wanted to ask all of you if you have known nice people despite ear problems and have built nice, loving, empathetic and compassionate relationships.

I am living abroad and I don't want to use dating apps. Thanks everyone!

 

The sad fact of life is when you want a partner the most, at least for guys, you will come across as the least attractive.

Weakness in a man isn't attractive. Suffering from a disability, even one that can be relatively hidden so you can "pass" as normal like tinnitus or generalized depression, is unattractive. And you can't negotiate attraction. So it may feel unfair, but that's life and the only thing to do ultimately is accept that.

The kind of relationships I've gotten into along the way have tended to be codependent in some way because of this, because water seeks its own level.

Friends are a different story. Overall, friends are worth more than lovers.

 

First you have to accept the ear problems and the limitations they entail, and then you can look for a partner and eventually build a relationship.

Best things come when one does not expect them, and actively looking for someone to date or go out can be an option but also can be a bad experience if you want to do things fast.

 

Yeah, attraction may be based on pretending things are easy when they are not. Putting a good face on adversity can be an option.

There is also a dark side to it, when people who may look attractive are just careless, like it happens a lot with financial issues. Maybe there is a problem and it just gets worse because someone says "it's going to be ok".. that's how many people end up totally broke or in debt, lose their homes etc And that can be attractive to some, just ignoring reality, soaking up the lies of others… women fall for those sort of guys all the time.

 

Unless your lover is your best friend. I don't have much friends, and I like it that way. Quality is important of both the partner and trusted friends.

 

It takes a lot of time, but eventually you will find the right girl.

I didnt have a lot of problems dating (at the beginning, when you start meeting someone) with my very bad hyperacusis. I would just go for dinner to a quiet restaurant, or for a walk at a park, or a stroll along the beach.

But all that dating didnt really work until I met the right person by chance.

Severe hyperacusis is a really debilitating condition, quite unpredictable too, and it takes its toll on relationships. At a certain point the other person realises the long list of things that you cannot do or make you suffer (and no one else suffers doing those things, like going to a pub, or just walking near busy traffic, going shopping to a loud mall etc) and decides it is not worth to be with someone who cannot do all those things she likes. It's simple as that.. you have to find a very understanding person.

 

If you feel like you want to approach her again, and that she cared for you and would welcome it, it is worth the shot. Just approach carefully and keep your cool.

 

The thing is with relationships is that they are always the product of a moment in time. It's an experiment, a chemistry experiment. The more time that goes by the farther you deviate from where you were that led you to hookup in the first place. You become different people. Your priorities change. Your lifestyle changes. Your social circle changes. Those are all the basic ingredients of the chemistry experiment changing.

The one thing that doesn't change is your memory of the past relationship. A memory is precious because it is permanently frozen in time. That is what you become infatuated with, especialy with the rose-colored-glasses that filter out the bad stuff.

Rarely is it ever a good idea to reach out or get back together with an ex. I've been in two on again off again relationships but the woman was always the one restarting things and I was just along for the ride while I warned her against it.

I strongly believe that if something's meant to last it will just work and not be full of drama. Trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results is the definition of madness.

The more time that goes by the more you realize this. If I went into a time-machine as the person I am now and met all my exes for the first time and knowing what I know about them I don't think I would be interested in pursuing any of them. So my memories feel like they are of a different person. Based on who I was then, I'm willing to cut myself some slack, but not now. That's what personal growth is all about.

 

@Amv I agree with the first guy who responded and responded a couple of times.

It seems as hind sight from my stand point that, if you are looking to find someone single... don't pin point someone else looking for a relationship. Friends are a good place to start because there's interest, but not expectations. And that can build for as long as you choose.

If you really want to be with the woman your ex is, just make sure she's not hanging all over you with needs she can't come to turns with. Otherwise the stress could effect your ears and in the end, things would turn out the same, only long loud days/nights. A woman aware of your ups and downs are priceless. You weigh that out. Aim at the stranger who looks content, happy, and ready to talk.

I'm sorry about the people you are working close with. They too, are a relationship you hold, so if they're not right, it's up to you to take your heart, mind and skills elsewhere.

I don't know you age, trade, or noise level. But there are understanding woman and sacrifices in work to look for\at. It just takes time and I know with tinnitus, time is not a game... Neither mentally, we need Love, nor financially.

I hear you, you sound sincere, others will get it.

 

I agree 100%. I have done this - twice. It's easier, it's comforting, to go back to someone you have a history with. But it's also true that you forget the reasons you broke up in the first place and those problems will still be there the second time.

 

Yes and no.

Disability is not equivalent to weakness.
Weakness is not fighting to overcome your condition.

Of course, from an evolutionary perspective, women tend to choose the highest-ranking male in order to protect their future offspring.

But things are not always black and white and there are situations where we can escape our instincts.

THIS.

So true. Not being able to feel attracted to someone who is really good for you no matter how hard you try. When it comes to attraction, it really is black and white.

 

Damn no wonder I never get laid