Can't Habituate. Scared of Everything. Spikes Constant. Pure Stress. Feel Like I'm Dead and in Hell.

I can't habituate. I'm going on my 10th month since this started, and it's completely changed my life around. I can't do anything without being scared of how it will affect my ears. I can't eat or drink anything without thinking about that. I can't even go outside my house because I'm worried something loud will come up and make it worse. I completely hate my life and I want it to end.

I thought I had it under control until about 2-3 weeks ago, when I went to a friend's house and it was only 3 of us in total; me, my friend, and his roommate. There was music playing on the speakers that wasn't even loud but it caused me to leave with a "spike" that lasts t0 this day. I really hope to god that it's a spike. I don't understand how I'm supposed to live my fucking life when anywhere I go, I leave with worse tinnitus. I am fully ready to take my life if only I didn't have parents and family that cared for me. I am getting pretty close to just doing it anyway even with the family blockade.

Nothing is pleasurable anymore. Anything I do, I can only think about this fucking fucking stupid ringing in my ears that I did to myself. I cut metal with an angle grinder and, like an idiot, I wore no ear protection. I'm so furious at my stupid self and can't seem to forgive myself for the life-terminating thing I did to myself. In less than 1/2 hour I fully ruined 10 months of my life and counting. I pray that it eventually leaves because I can't bear to live with this stress for my whole life. Habituating doesn't seem to be a possible option for me. I can only believe that it will eventually pass, otherwise I'll just off myself. Nothing even seems real in my life anymore. I'm scared of playing my bass because it's a source of noise that might cause damage. I used to not be afraid of it but lately, every time I play my T increases with no sign of going down. I even get seemingly permanent spikes from my acoustic bass. My fucking ACOUSTIC!!! How is that possible? I go work on bikes in my shed, because that used to be a favourite hobby of mine, to build up broken down bikes and then sell them, but even that hardly brings me any joy anymore. It all seems so pointless. Today I was walking back from the grocery store and saw this girl that I've been crushing on walking towards me on the sidewalk, and I saw her, but I didn't even recognize her or even registered that there was a person until I nearly crashed into her. Didn't even look her in the eye or say anything after I "noticed" her, I just kept walking like a weirdo lol. Everything seems so fake. Getting on the bus is fucking weird because it just comes and picks you up and you can stand. I think I'm dying from the anxiety and stress the T is causing me. It's gonna sound stupid typed out, but I actually feel like I'm already dead and in hell. This is hell. As a non-religious person with little knowledge of religion, I believe that's what the Christians meant by heaven and hell. You don't have to die to go to heaven or hell. Your life choices bring you there within your lifetime. That's why they have the "unforgivable sins," because sins like those likely put you into such a mental funk that you can't lead a normal life anymore. You become choked by the stress of your actions, and therefore go to hell within your lifetime. Your life becomes the hell. That's what I feel like I've done to myself in that glorious 1/2 hour of metal cutting that destroyed my poor ears. I've ruined my life and thrown my mind into pure stress and anxiety for 10 months so far. I say "so far" because the only thing keeping me alive is the belief that one day I'll not hear any fucking ringing caused by my idiotic actions. I feel like I'm in a dream and that one day I'll wake up the day before the one that caused me my ringing horror and do the cut in the metal either with a hand tool or with the power tool and earplugs. These beliefs are the only things keeping me going. I hate life so much and would rather be dead, but I can't kill myself because I'd scar my family. I'm 21 years old and meant to be going out, socializing, maybe losing my pathetic virginity, but instead I'm pissing around the house locked in my room 99% of the time. There's a party that my neighbours are throwing audible outside my window but I'm too scared to go socialize because of the near-certainty that my fucking ears will start to ring more by the time I'm back home. I can't even focus on my university studies, I've failed both semesters I've enrolled in since I got the ringing last September, and this one now is my last chance before I get kicked out but still I can't. Either I can't even get my head "in the game" or when I do, I'll study a bunch of things but then realize hours later that I don't remember any of it and all I've been thinking about is my fucking ringing. I can't stop listening for it. I can't stop getting furious at myself for causing me such destruction. I almost wish it was caused by something not in my control so then I wouldn't have to forgive myself for ruining my life. I don't plan to ever forgive myself because it was the stupidest, most regrettable thing I've done in my whole life by far. It will either go away by itself after 2.5 years or less, or I'll kill myself after 2.5 years. I hated life anyway before this and this was just the icing on the cake. Now I can't even study or be productive so I'd become homeless and starve sooner or later anyway. I don't want to be a ridiculous burden on my family and I figure it's like removing a hairy band-aid: either you rip it off fast and it hurts a lot for a second, or you peel it slow and it hurts less per unit time, but it hurts for minutes while you slowly pry it off. I figure just getting rid of myself is like the quick rip. Everything around me seems so fake and dreamlike. I've never felt so close to suicide and self-termination.

I'm so sorry that I post this for all the other lovely people on this site. I have nobody to talk to in real life and have never felt so low. It's the same when I talk to my parents, I feel like I'm slowly destroying them as they desperately try to help me with a problem that's unfixable, but still I need someone to talk to so I still do talk to them from time to time and watch the horrible effects of my sadness transferring to them. I just want to permanently leave so I never have to see them that sad again.

 

Im new here too but i understand and feel similar. Everything seems unreal and im an anxious mess. I think, at least for me, i have to try to eat (its been about 2 weeks and i am so anxious i can hardly eat ) There are lots of people on here who get used to it and sometimes it even goes away. I will tell you that my 86 year old father has had tinnitus since his late 20's (he was born with a congenital issue) and he doesnt notice it at all. Doesnt even remember it bothering him since the beginning. In the beginning it did. So there is hope of "normal". I tend to be anxious anyway so this has caused a major skyrocket of anxiety. But I hope it gets better. Dont blame yourself. Hang in there. They say it takes time.

 

My longest temporary spike lasted over three months. There is still a good chance that your spike will end up being temporary.

 

Hang in there.. I'm having a dark day myself. Seems my T is taunting me. Two days ago I could hardly hear it for a whole day, then yesterday, it's back with a vengeance. I'm only 2 months into this and it's been a real roller coaster. It's effecting my family and my work now.

 

Don't worry about those setbacks. They are normal. Your T has not stayed relentlessly at the same level, and this is very encouraging. Pay attention to the monthly trend and to the global lows. Try to ignore/ride out the upward retracements.

 

HI @HollowZer0

I am sorry to hear of the discomfort that you are in. It is 9 months since the onset of your tinnitus and usually people make some improvement within this time even if it's a small amount. This doesn't seem to be the case with you. Have you had tests done on your auditory system at ENT and if so what did your doctor say? Have you been referred to a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist for help with managing the tinnitus and hyperacusis if that is also present? There are a variety of treatment options depending on where you live.

To help treat your sensitivity to sound which could mean you have hyperacusis. I suggest you click on the link below and read my post: Hyperacusis, As I see It. Please click on the other link and take time to read the article that you might find helpful. It would be helpful if you were to give information on the tests that you have had if any at ENT and whether you've had any treatment.

Michael

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hyperacusis-as-i-see-it.19174/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-a-personal-view.18668/

 

Thanks Bill. Trying to work out what's causing it to spike. I think the trend may be related to my shitty eating habits. I'm diabetic and eat a lot of stuff I shouldn't, and it seems seems to follow my roller coaster tinnitus pattern. Hopefully tomorrow or the next day it will drop again since I haven't had hardly any carbs and very little sugar for two days.

 

Hey, @HollowZer0

I feel your pain. It really sucks to be in a constant state of awareness about T and what might influence it. No one has the God-given truth when it comes to how this condition pans out and how we have to learn to live with it. But, generally, most of us do learn to do exactly that. You will find a way to cope, as will I.

What you write about the spike and studying with this affliction, really hits home by the way. I've had my own share, but I must say that, now I have adjusted my lifestyle a bit, and have tried to ease down, things have gotten better. The spike I had about two months ago, has finally gotten calmer and seems to be subsiding. I know it really sucks, but give your ears some rest. Don't frequent bars and the like, because what good does it do if you return with louder T. Try to focus on your studies (which I am trying to as well - it doesn't always work, seeing as I'm on this forum instead of cramming exam material - but that is a part of the coping-strategy as well) and let yourself be at peace as much as possible. Or you could just try to do things that relax you and come back to studying at a time where things are better for you. There are plenty of people that have to put their studies on hold for a year or so, be it because of financial reasons or health concerns. They usually understand at college or university, if given the necessary medical documents.

Maybe you could look around for local support groups, if you feel like you have no one to talk to that understands this condition. Your national tinnitus association might have the necessary contacts to introduce you to one of them. Give them a call if possible. The people that answer the phone in those associations also usually are very understanding and might take the time to share their personal experiences with you.

 

Tinnitus can be a monster and a real struggle. I can’t offer you the perfect paragraph to make you feel better, but I will say from my experience that it gets much better with time. This is not something I can really convince you of but I felt just as miserable as you do right now for quite a long time. It turned my life upside down and I really couldn’t see how it was possible to have any kind of happiness ever again. I would ruminate so much about all that was wrong with my life but this just crushed my spirit. I’ve had many other problems throughout my life that have conditioned me to cope with adversity from a deeply traumatic chest problem whilst growing up, to looking after my suicidal mother.

In more recent times I’ve had crippling joint pain in my shoulders, knees and back which is an ongoing thing. I’ve had an MRI and I’ve just had some blood tests because the physio isn’t helping all that much. Although my life always seems to go from one problem to another I’ve learnt to appreciate all the good things in order to turn my situation around. This is never easy and often takes the love and support of others.

What is consistently true, however, is the strength that we all contain within us. The power of the human spirit can take us to places that we would never think possible. We just have learn how to harness it. Get all the professional help you can and with the support of friends and family I think you’ll be fine.

Please remember that tinnitus takes a long time to accept. How you feel now is unlikely to be how you’ll feel in 3-5 years time with the right support.

 

You're not alone in this feeling. I'm still mad at myself for the split-second mistake I made that ruined my left ear. I don't call myself stupid as frequently as I used to, but there are still times I blame myself. But no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some of us are damaged by our mistakes and that's why we feel stupid. The people who don't get damaged are just lucky, so they don't have to feel stupid. But we're not stupid. We're just unlucky.

Me too. I had mine under control until February when an unexpected noise brought on a whole host of symptoms worse than the original acoustic trauma. Now, like you, I'm scared of everything. I wish I could offer solutions instead of just hugs, but I'm afraid hugs are all I have.

 

Spikes are the most dangerous, unpleasant thing that is in tinnitus.
they are so cunning, cunning.
How to deal with them?
How to be sure that this is temporary.

 

I noticed a pattern that my T seems to get louder after I eat dairy foods...

 

I get stomach distress when I eat dairy foods. The resulting noise could spike everyone's T.

 

Yeah and I love milk too.

Well this morning I woke up and it was the same as yesterday, a 3/10 for me. But blood sugar is highest in the morning, and it dropped off a lot within the first hour I was up to a 1/10. Maybe I'm onto something. I certainly won't be celebrating with ice cream or a big mac again this time.

 

First and formost do not blame yourself...honestly you were most likely already compromised and if it didn't happen after cutting the metal piece, it would probably happen a week later when you slammed your car door or the toilet seat.
Believe me, in my lifetime I did lot of stupid stuff without protecting my ears and what did me in was driving my car home from the grocery store...it wasn't the car ride of course, it probably was all the accumulated damage over the years and in my case possibly triggered by Lyme disease (with which I was diagnosed later on).

You can take the edge of your T by finding out it's frequency and then playing it back to yourself via any of the free online tone generators...try 30 second intervals and experiment a bit...also try to stimulate your Vagus nerve while listening to it, I find it works better that way.
A good way to do this is doing proper form squats with a free weight dumbell on your back..I find it helps more, than just playing the sound on it's own.
You will most likely find that the T will lessen it's volume and if you are lucky, it will stay that way for a while.
Try it and let me know how you made out.

 

I didn't want to forgive myself either, I had to or I wouldn't still be here, it was driving me insane. It's not easy, but you have to forgive yourself. Habituation cannot happen until you let go of the regret thoughts.

 

Youre not alone. I've felt the exact same way since I got tinnitus 4 months ago with very little signs of improvement. I was using my blender at home over multiple days while on NSAIDs because of jaw surgery. When my ears started ringing, I chalked it up to the surgery and kept blending away, doing permanent damage. I even looked for my earmuffs that I typically wear when using my blender beforehand and was going to place them by the blender before the surgery but I didn't see them on my tool box so I wrote it off as NBD, all it would have taken was walking downstairs and finding them where I last left them. I've hated myself ever since for it happening. Now I will likely have to live with this intrusive sound in my head that I can hear almost anywhere, in the car, outside. I've had the exact same thought about it being just a bad dream and that I might wake up one day or wishing I had a time machine. The only hope we have now is the hearing restoration programs such as Frequency Therapeutics.