Depressed, Bad Sleep, Hard to Keep Going

I’m back posting on this forum because I’ve regressed. I have loud multi tonal tinnitus and moderate high frequency hearing loss.

I’m becoming so depressed again and I can’t imagine ever being happy again.

Every day a mountain to climb, I’m on ADs and in fact they made tinnitus louder.

I can’t stop them as the S word will enter again.

Sorry for these miserable words, I just needed to vent. Hope I don’t upset anybody.
Eve

 

Hi Eve, I hope this is a temporary blip for you, but it’s good that you’re reaching out for support. Depression is a truly awful thing to go through, and I have seen this first hand through my mother, and a good friend of mine. Both have severe depression which resulted in my friend drinking a concoction of corrosive liquids - which he had access to as the foreman of a foundry - and caused horrific internal damage. He was lucky to survive. However, that was another lifetime ago for him, and in fact, I didn’t even know him when this took place as he is now 65. The point of me telling you this, as he would himself, is that he found a way through. He had his medication switched many times over the years until they found what really worked for him, and in his case, it was lithium. He tells me he still gets depressed and it’s never going to go away, but he now feels like he can live a happy life, and from me looking in he seems happier than ever. He took up cross stitching and various other kind of knitting type hobbies, and he loves it (He doesn’t seem the type to, but there you go). The point of me telling you this is that anyone can turn any situation around. When he saw no way out he tried to kill himself which is a decision he regrets to this day. He just didn’t realise his life would turn around like it did, but now he has permanent stomach damage to live with.

My mother is a similar story. She had a horrifying upbringing which started to torment her when she hit 40. She said it was like a switch being flicked and she couldn’t turn it back off. She also had to switch medication and saw many private psychologists, but none of them really truly helped her (she did like them, personality-wise). And then she met a Dr on the NHS through a mental health clinic and he was like a godsend. He changed everything. He weaned her off Effexor and put her onto something else, and at the same time he counselled her in a way which changed her thought patterns. In other words he saved her life as she was very suicidal. I have helped my mom face her demons for over 10 years now, and seeing it up close is never nice. In fact, it makes you need counselling yourself because it could get really bad (she cut her arms, and at one point cut her leg so deep I had to take her to hospital and I was on holiday at the time). Right now she is back in the light again; a stark difference to how low she was.

The point of me telling you all this is to demonstrate real life instances where people have come through incredible difficulties. When we are in the middle of insurmountable distress however, the light can fade so much that we can’t see how it will ever reignite again. This makes our thoughts even more catastrophic, and only love and support can change that. I’m not going to pretend I know all the answers, but you can come through it. I wish you all the best.

 

Ed you are lovely. I agree with what you say and I think my depression has got worse as I had RTC on Tuesday. Ironically I’m a Counsellor myself, just waiting for a Client. The ‘don’t go on thoughts’ are beside me though.
I’m trying to find a Psychothapist to work with as I have encountered a lot of loss over the last few years. Marriage, Mother etc. etc.
Hope your little one is ok x
Eve xx
@Ed209

 

It all builds up - as you well know - until the burden becomes too much. It’s time to unload it all and it sounds like you’re taking the right action. I think the RTC was the straw that broke the camels back; it’s just tipped you over the edge. It’s easy to start ruminating once we hit a slump and that’s when the bad thoughts start to take over. Do you ever go on walks? Especially if there’s anywhere nice nearby. Try and keep your mind active so you don’t dwell on all your problems and grief all day. Is there a social club or similar you can join? If one small thing can lift your spirits it can have a knock on effect and change the path you’re on.

Thanks for asking about my daughter. She seems to be fine and thankfully the results were wrongly interpreted.

 

@Nanny chocolate ,
Hi,sorry to hear your ears have made your mood low and not sleeping will add to it.
Do you know if the AD you are on is to help sleep as some just cause insomnia like venlafaxine so always worth checking the one your on helps sleep.
I know how you feel about the loss in your life it's a big life change and only time will help it and like you im going through the loss of my parents and sorting the headstone and their home in the process of being sold and will be a year in June for my mum.
Last son moved out before christmas so it's a big change and im up and down still.
We need to look after our mental health so do what you can to raise a smile and intime everything will be ok.
Our ears just try push our mood so we have to show the little monkeys whos the boss..
Love glynis

 

Hello Glynis and Ed
Thank you for your lovely replies.
I’m going to my GP to check for whiplash tomorrow and I’ll have an AD review too.
I’ve had T for over 20 years but it’s so loud now.
I’m running out of energy and resources, so frightening and I’m not usually a wimp. In fact I saw a Counsellor when I first got T. He was so useless that I went on to do my own training. I seemed to habituated but it’s much louder this time, it’s all the extra noises and now both ears that beckons the S
solution. I have two lovely children and three little grandsons but I can’t be too truthful to them.
I’ve been depressed before but never to think such black thoughts. My daughter is getting married in January 2018 and busy making lovely plans. I do want to overcome this and be a bit happier.
I’m sorry for the loss of your parents Glynis, my Mum was my mainstay and I miss her so much.
Ed I’m so pleased about your daughter.
I live four minutes walk from a lovely beach but I’m too tired to walk there today.
I’m grateful for all your kindness xx
Eve
@Ed209 @glynis

 

Awwwww Eve ,

I'm sorry that you feel bad

Everyday is a mountain for all of us. I don't think anyone here has it easy at all. Just hold on tight and hang in there. If you have a support group or family, please connect with them and express how you feel. This board and MYSELF are always here for you and those that suffer....that need love and support.

I'm gonna give you a hug and let go ONLY when you tell me, that you are ok

Be well sweetie.....

 

Hello Fishxx
I’m better than I was earlier today although it fluctuates mood wise.
I think I’ve been a bit of an attention seeker today but the thoughts were so grim earlier on that I didn’t know where else to take them. To lovely people like yourself who would understand and not tell me I’ll feel better when the Summer comes!!
You’ve crossed some real personal hurdles I know. I have lovely family but can’t keep
upsetting them.
You can give your arms a rest now but keep them flexed just in case I need them again.
Warmly Eve
@fishbone

 

Hi @Nanny chocolate ,
Glad the day got a little better mood wise and for me too!
let us know how you go on tomorrow at the doctors and hope gives you something to help you sleep if your AD doesn't.
Love glynis x

 

Thanks Glynis xx
@glynis

 

Depression is such a horrible and debilitating illness. Im so sorry you’re feeling really low at the moment, don’t suffer in silence and and never apologise for telling anybody how you are feeling. This is the right place to come for some support and of course your family. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and there will always be somebody to listen to you on here.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I really didn’t want to upset anybody by the negativity I put here this morning.
The T is very loud so it’s all a bit of a vicious circle at the moment. The blaring in both ears is so difficult when you are tired and low.
Maybe you understand depression and anxiety also. Daren't go to bed as I can’t sleep and I usually can even with loud T.
This is the most wonderful site x
@Jcb

 

I’ve only recently started to get anxiety since I got T, that in itself has been horrendous to the point I’m off work at the moment. I’ve had a family member suffer from depression and I have seen how that affected them. It is such a vicious cycle, I know this may sound stupid as I know you have had T for a while, do you try to sleep with some sounds on in the background? Have you tried any herbal teas or exercise to wear you out.

 

What’s a support forum for if it’s not for helping people who are down in the dumps? You could never upset anybody; you’re too kind-hearted.

 

Careful Ed, I might pack a bag and come to stay with you!! I’m a good babysitter x
@Ed209

 

Me too.... you can do the babysitting and I’ll do the cooking

 

Hi jcb
I’m already worn out. I can go to sleep for an hour or so then wake up. Exhausting, I go to bed with warm milk and play a hypnosis cd. I’m seeing a clinical hypnotherapist and she made it for me.
Oh I’m sorry you are off work, people who don’t have trouble with T tend not to understand. Anxiety from T is horrible and severe anxiety is disabling.
Eve x
@Jcb

 

Lol, get ready Ed, we’re on our way.
@Jcb

 

I’m so sorry, I’ve always had trouble sleeping and now it’s a nightmare, combine lack of sleep with T and it’s horrible. I’m ok, the anxiety just creeps up on you sometimes, but I’m working on it. Have you tried drinking green tea or lemon balm or chamomile tea these help me relax a little more and I exercise everyday to try and wear myself out a bit. Do you read? I used to love to read that calmed me but I’m still having trouble concentrating at the moment.

 

I’m off to the bed challenge now! Yes, I can read but not in the way I was able to previously. I used to look forward to the daily paper being delivered but now I just skim it. I’ve been reading books but I’ve lost the pleasure in things.
I’m sure that exercising will help with your anxiety. I’ve been forcing myself to walk but I’m too worn out now. Of course there is not proper sleep to refresh. What a tale of woe.
I’m logging out now so I hope you manage to get some restful zzzzzzs.
Eve x
@Jcb

 

@Nanny chocolate ,
I hope you got some sleep.
Good luck today...
Love glynis x

 

Thanks Glynis, it was slightly better.
I’m going to checked out for slight whiplash too.
Hope your stitch removal went ok?
Eve xx

 

@glynis

 

Afternoon Eve, hope you slept a bit better? How you feeling today?

 

Hi, a little bit thank you.
T is really a pain today. I have to go to my GP for whiplash injury from when someone rammed my car on Tuesday.
My ears are clattering away and it’s hard to concentrate.
How are you doing x
@Jcb

 

That’s good, if it was a little bit better. Hopefully the whiplash won’t be too bad and you’ll recover swiftly. Yes, the ears love to make mess us with us like that. I’m good, thank you, just been the gym and going to take my pooch for a walk and enjoy some fresh air. Let me know how you get on at the doctors.

 

@Nanny chocolate

I hope your appointment with the doctor goes well today.
I’m sorry T is a pain today.
Mine is not so good today, either.

Let us know how it goes.

 

Hello
I’m not sure if jcb is a lady? GP was a bit useless and said to make a physio appt if the neck and shoulder pain doesn’t improve.
Says stay on the ADs and I’m going to see a psychiatrist. I have a very small private medical insurance but sadly nothing at all to help the T. Well, I know that so will have to
struggle on. Even if I stop the ADs now the T will remain.
It’s so exhausting feeling rubbish.
Hugs to both of you.
@Jcb
@TracyJS

 

H Eve, I’m male but don’t it against me haha yes some GPs can be quite unhelpful unfortunately I’ve found this when I’ve been to discus my T, some are great though. That’s not good, it’s a fine line with ADs sometimes, can be hard to find the right balance and wether it’s good to be taken off them, I’d follow your GPs advice and wait till you see the psychiatrist hopefully they will help you move forward.

 

Thanks for letting us know how it went today, although I’m sorry it wasn’t more helpful.
It’s so frustrating and exhausting to need help and not be able to get it.
I’m so sorry for all of us.
Is there any hope that the increase in T due to AD will calm down over time?
Hugs to you, too.