Feeling Lost

Hello everyone. I am back! It has been months. I have purposely left this forum to work on my own "habituation". For the last 5 1/2 months I have succeeded in managing the sounds in my left ear. I was not taking meds, working on self-care and managing to find effective sleep.

2 weeks ago I started to notice a sound in my right ear. It is not a loud sound but when you have tinnitus you become hyperaware of sounds. For the past few months I have found solace on my right side when I sleep because there was no sound. I would sleep with a masking sound in my left ear. Strangely, the sound in my left ear would decrease dramatically when I slept. The last two weeks have been a lot different. The sound no longer disappears. My sleep is OFFFFFF. In fact, I feel like I am back at square one.

What is the most frustrating thing about this is I did everything right!!! I changed my lifestyle and stepped up on self-care everyday. I don't understand why this happened. I feel like I am right where I started months ago.
I had therapy for a few months and stopped after I started feeling better. These last few weeks have been difficulty, mostly for sleep. I decided to start up therapy again.

I am frustrated because this is incredibly unpredictable and ever changing. There is no guarantee. I made peace with the sound the last few months because I was able to sleep and carry on with my day. Now I feel lost. I am sorry everyone...I was trying to be a positive light and for the last few months I WAS.

Maybe it is stress related. A few weeks ago I was dog sitting and one of the dogs (14 years old and DEAF) got out of my backyard and was lost for 48 hours. I was a total wreck. I cannot begin to tell you the stress I put on myself, namely, calling out for a deaf dog is not possible.

Maybe that caused the sound to start in my right ear. The real frustrating thing is for months when I was able to sleep I would tell myself and my boyfriend "at least it isn't in the other ear...and I can sleep". Now it seem like I am being challenged again.

Again, I apologize for the negative post. I really have been trying to manage myself but today I feel defeated and hopeless. I feel utterly frustrated and angry. I feel incredibly sleep deprived and mentally exhausted.

Words of encouragement and support would be forever appreciated.
Jennifer

 

I'm very sorry about these developments. But you did it before, and you can do it again. Even though it sucks. Stay strong, stay committed, stay positive. You will get better and get past this setback.

 

That is all I can do right. There is no fix or way to relive it except to just endure. I fucking hate tinnitus. I hate that it has become the single dictating force in my life. I have had to stop doing many things I love because they irritate my fucking tinnitus. I am mad as hell...

It just seems to unfair and everyone telling you to "stay strong" is like a slap in the face when that is all you are doing. I wish there were better words out there to help alleviate the frustration and defeated feelings accompanied by this stupid sound.

 

Hey jennifer sorry your hurting but I don't agree that you just have to just endure it. Have you looked into things like TRT and cbt?

 

Going to see a dr tomorrow and going to ask about TRT. I am also starting up therapy again. I know that my emotional reaction to it needs to change. Right now I am just so angry and sad about it. I am also grieving the loss of a part of me. I had to cancel a 10 day camping trip that I was really looking forward to because of the sound and the sleep deprivation is causes right now. I just dont' know what else to do. I am also finding that certain masking sounds irritate the ringing. For example, white noise is a no. The sound I have listened to for the last 5 1/2 months no longer seems to keep the ringing calm. I just feel really down today. I made myself go to work despite the 3 hours I slept. I just shut my office door and am forcing myself to conquer and move forward.

I keep thinking...I can't wait to see where I am in 5 years. Ugh.

 

It's ok to be angry and greive. As far as the masking white noise wasn't helpful for me either I use the river and birds chirping on the tinnitus talk radio but I could never totaaly mask my t is is very high pitch. You can get better though. Just look into your TRT clinician to make sure they are worthy of your time. There will come a day where you won't have to conquer your t. As far as the five years from now part if you find something that works for you I think you'll be back to your old self wondering how your t ever bothered you. Don't assume it will get worse my father has had it for over 20 years and never got any worse.

 

I am just frustrated because I was managing it for the last 5 1/2 months. I don't know why it started in the right ear. I am wondering if my depression is increasing it. I feel that I am slowly falling apart. I have an appointment with an audiologist tomorrow and have a feeling I will walk about sadder than when I walked in - which is what happened the other two times. I have been against medication and tried to conquer this on my own...however, I am starting to see that there is something bigger happening to me. I feel like a balloon that is slowly losing air. I just want my life back. I want to be able to live again. I am okay with living with the sound. I just want to be able to do so without it getting worse.

 

That's why it's important to find an informed and experienced doctor or audiologist. I had to use a lot of xanax to get better so meds can be helpful. It might be helpful to ask dr.nagler if he knows a good one near you and he can give you advice on how to weed out ones who aren't to good. If you haven't also please read letter to atinnitus sufferer

 

Hello, our T is about the same duration so I think I know how you feel...you've been very brave. I too have unilateral T and have heard noise in my other ear--it is usually when I'm using masking on only one ear with my ipod. I've read that this will cause the T to move or that T was present in the other ear all the time but it is less and only heard because of the masking of the other ear.

I tried to conquer it on my own for the first month--it got louder as I got more anxious. Finally I made my way here and also got my GP to prescribe. I never took drugs before in my life. I didn't even like to take an ibuprofen but now I take Xanax three times a day--a very small dose. It helps tremendously. As I write this, my T is spiking and buzzing but I am not reacting. Let me know if you want more info. I hope you feel better soon and try not to worry--I know, it's easier said than done. I've got my life back. I work, go out socially, have a great relationship with my spouse. I have a couple of bad days a week but that is so much better than before and now even the bad days aren't like they were in the beginning.

 

I love your post Kathi, it made me sit up and listen, thank you.

 

Than you for the kind words @Carol. I hope you are feeling better.

 

Thanks Kathi, i'm starting to come to terms with t, i hate it so much but it's going nowhere.

 

We've had T for almost the same amount of time. What helped me was going to a CBT therapist and starting to look at the T as a neutral stimulus--not something hateful. There is no personalization to T--it strikes many--old, young and in between. My therapist told me by stopping the fight against it I would come to accept it. We waste so much energy hating t! I did not believe it but it was true. Dr. Nagler's letter to T sufferers is also a big help as it is based in CBT--challenging our distorted thoughts and replacing these thoughts with more rational thinking. I also got my anxiety under control--that terrible paralyzing fear is gone and most days I almost don't care about the T anymore. When I have a bad day I just carry on and go to bed early.

 

@Kathi yes mine kicked in on the 4th of November last year, and since then my life has been turned upside down. I was living in Spain but have since returned to the UK as i just fell apart and needed to come home. I haven't had any therapy as yet my doctor put me on meds and they have taken the edge off, i have also seen an Audiologist who didn't have much to say apart from the usual, so here i am just trying to convince myself that i will be ok, much harder to do than say as i'm sure you know.

 

Heck in five years there will probably be a cure/treatment. Just another reason to keep your head up, keep coming back to the board for support and strength. Stay strong! You'll get through this rough patch, and you will learn to habituate. And for what it's worth, a genuine cure/treatment really is on the way, just be patient!

 

Jennifer
Thank you for sharing; and I'm sorry you are struggling. Please don't feel bad about a low post -- you need to express and share (and I'm glad you can).

I know what you are talking about (the set backs, square one, T is unpredictable) -- it is frustrating, scary, and can be a bit paralyzing. On a side note, I have also noticed some more T activity in my right ear (so far it has just been in my left). It's frustrating and worrisome.

You are in my prayers!

When I read through your post I couldn't help but thinking about something that has helped me (with my T and in general); please indulge, maybe this will help you. I'm an avid and competitive racquetball player and I've found myself in many tournaments where an opponent is simply 'eating my lunch' right in front of me (and everyone else) -- I can't figure out his weaknesses, I can't make my shots, I get paralyzed, etc. Then, I go back to the fundamentals and I score one point (one measly point, so what). But then I think, 'hey, if I made one, I can make another'; you see what I'm saying?

You did this once, you have some experience, you know the fundamentals. You are understandably frustrated (angry, anxious, mad) and need to work through that (ugh, it's hard and it's depressing), but you also need to remember that have what it takes to apply the fundamentals (again) and achieve victory -- one measly point at a time.

Until then -- vent on us! It's all good. We make good 'sounding boards and punching bags'

Prayers!

Mark

 

JM .that white noise can be harsh ,youtube pink noise see what you think of that,keep punchin'!!

 

Jennifer,
I had a similar experience. This last week I lost my best friend a dog I had for 17 years heartbreaking at best. I too also noticed in the last few days that my unilateral tinnitus seems to have habituated to the other side. At first I thought "Maybe" because the ringing in the original side was so loud that I may just be experiencing some oversight sound. Of course that leads me back to looking for it and concentrating on it and quickly noted that its easy to get upset over but often remind myself that this too will pass and I will manage it just like I did when I first got it, maybe a little faster and easier because I know the emotions to expect and have learned some self preservation techniques from the beginning of all this. It's no different than having it in one ear or both. It's a nuisance that doesn't belong there. Sometimes we have to take two steps back to take a step forward again. Don't stop doing all the right life style changes you have done already those may be equally important for you in later life. One little thing I tell myself that helps me get through every day is thank god I'm not incarcerated and have this. Can you imagine being in a jail or prison with no options of finding relief for yourself or going for a walk or having some way to get your mind off it that you enjoy. Remember if you think its bad, things could always be worse.