Feeling So Very Sad and Hopeless

@emmalee, @Ed209, @Holly1987, @glynis
@New Guy, @David Dubros, @Michael Leigh, @billie48 and many others...

Hi, everyone. I hope this is ok. And I hope it was ok to alert some members who I have found to be very kind in their responses. I’m in a really really dark place and would be grateful for any support or kindness you might give. If I’m imposing, please forgive me. I know everyone is busy in their lives and is managing all of this as well.

I have had tinnitus for about 3 months now. It’s unclear if it’s noise induced or related to TMJ/jaw problems. It might be both.

The tinnitus started out mild to moderate and an intermittent hissing/ buzzing sounds. It has worsened since onset. It is more constant and loud with some additional sounds.

I posting today because I’m starting to really want to give up. I have lost so much already because of this. I’ve lost the work that I love. I’ve lost so many of the things that enrich my life and make me me. The anxiety is unbearable, but the depression and despair is also taking over.

I have a very small support system, but I am on mostly on my own.

I read all the positivity threads and I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to feel that way. I admire everyone who seems to be coping so much better.

I feel uncomfortable sharing this but I know there are so many kind people here so I hope you will understand.

I am just so sad and in so much pain. I don’t see how life can be possible with this. I’m so lost. I feel like I’m fading away slowly. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on.

I’m sorry, I just need to share and feel less alone.

 

You have question marks next to the T causes in your profile. Have you gone down the diagnosis path with your doctors? This flowchart can help: http://www.tinnitusresearch.org/index.php/for-clinicians/diagnostic-flowchart

 

Tracy, it is more than okay that you have asked us for support.

Please don't feel like a failure, tinnitus affects all of us differently and we all manage it in our own way. You are right when you say that there are so many kind people here, I have been on the receiving end of this kindness many times.

You have come this far Tracy, can you do your best to get through today? This is a one day at a time journey, especially for you and I because we are new to this struggle.

Please keep talking, we all understand completely.

~emma

 

First of all NEVER be sorry for needing love and support. You have done the right thing posting and needing support from those, that have been in your shoes before. What you are feeling is 100% normal, all of us have faced this issue and some still do. 3 months out is relatively new and you have every right to feel the way, you are feeling.

Tinnitus can cause anxiety, depression. It can make us cry and make us feel horrible. ALL have been through it, myself included. Just do know that each day it can get a little better. Tinnitus is not an overnight deal, all of us are different in how we cope and heal. When I was afflicted with tinnitus 30 + years ago, support was vital to my daily living. I was seeking it from my mom and bless her soul, she was amazing.

Seek as much support as possible. Possibly speak to a counselor and explain your fears, worries..etc. This can be very helpful. Just do know that it will take SOME time to start feeling better. I highly suggest that you avoid loud places, loud people and STRESS. Stress alone can do so much to the body and mind that it is pretty scary.

If a situation/place/person is LOUD and stressful, please avoid them. You CAN do this and live your life, there is no need to think about giving up. Yes, tinnitus is hard to deal with at first, but you can eventually start feeling better.

Do protect your ears from loud noises/places but DO NOT go overboard and create further paranoia, OCDs, anxiety by over-protecting the ears.

You will be ok, just take it day by day and this board and MYSELF will always support and show love to you. Ok, enough of the sweet side of fishbone....I have to go to my boxing/MMA class

 

I have gone down some of these paths with doctors. I had acoustic trauma early January and have mild high frequency hearing loss. But doctors/audiologist don’t seem to think that’s the cause? Also, teeth grinder with TMJ issues.

 

That is a perfectly normal feeling to have, most all of us have been there. I can tell you that 18 months ago, when my T was very new (acoustic trauma), I was a complete mess, depressed, crying, thinking my life was over.
Now after 18 months, my T has faded 90%, and my life is back to normal (except that I am very protective of my ears)
Please remember that at 3 months your T is very new, and likely will fade significantly in the next 12-24 months.
I know it is hard, but just give your T a chance to sort itself out. A vast majority People who get T recover within 2 years.

 

@emmalee

Thank you so much @emmalee
Yes, I think I can try to get through today.

We are new to this struggle, but three months feels like such a long time.

Thank you for saying I can keep talking. Your kindness is so very touching.

 

Hello
I’m a T veteran but it’s changed and now different louder noise. It still scares me even though I try not to be so anxious about it.
There many very kind, supportive people on this site. They understand the struggle to carry on, they empathise and encourage.
When you can’t be strong then turn to them.

 

@Hazel
Thank you for responding with such understanding and compassion.

I, too, need to show kindness and patience toward myself. I can give that to others, but not myself.

It’s so hard to believe that things will get better. Thank you for your words of hope and encouragement.

 

@TracyJS

Now you have a goal, get through today, you can do this because you have already made it three months, a wonderful accomplishment. Sometimes we just get so tired and down, which makes us even more tired and on and on. Are you able to sleep through the night?

 

Yes, I can sleep ok. I have been taking Clonazepam for about a week and before that 6-7 times over three weeks, but I’m tapering now slowly because I’m concerned about it making T worse. Afraid it might already have.

 

Tracy, do you have a Tinnitus support group where you live? I don't have one near to me, or else I would have joined by now. The closest to me is a couple of hours, unfortunately. You could google and see if there is something nearby.

 

@emmalee

There is one that’s not too far, but if only meets every two or three months and seems more psycheducational than a support group.

 

Do you have a close friend who understands and can get together with you, maybe get our for a coffee and a chat? I wish we lived closer, there would plenty to talk about.

 

Thank you for your response and for being encouraging. I feel exactly how you describe you were feeling in the beginning. I know 3 months is consider early, but it feels like a life time.

I’m glad your T has faded so much over time and you found healing.

Did you take any meds early on? I have been taking Clonazepam for about a week (and before off and on for about 3 weeks, but slowly tapering now for fear it could make things worse. Kind of already afraid it has.

 

I so wish we lived closer, too.
It would be great to meet you and be able to talk and support one another.

 

Hi Tracy, never be ashamed of asking for help. That has always been one of my problems and I know from experience that bottling things up only makes everything worse. First of all I’d follow Greg’s advice (if you haven’t already) and see if you can confirm a diagnosis for yourself. If it is TMD then there’s a chance you could reduce your symptoms somewhat. However, what really resonated with me is your description of how your life is becoming unhinged, and how the tinnitus is getting worse. One very likely cause for this is stress, and I’m sure you have read this many times on here before, but stress really does have a profound affect on our body.

I remember the early feelings all too well, and a recent setback from an MRI made me relive those emotions on a very real and extremely unpleasant level. The more we let it consume us, the more it takes over, and when this occurs our perception of the tinnitus really does heighten quite considerably. When I quit my band shortly after my tinnitus became unbearable, it ripped my heart out. My whole life has always revolved around music, so when my live performances came to an abrupt end you could say the impact was rather extreme. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and depression well and truly set in. I felt suicidal and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I hated what had happened to me and refused to accept it.

You must realise that you are under the influence of your catastrophic thoughts, and it is impossible to step aside and see your situation with a clear vision. The future ALWAYS seems worthless when we are stuck in this pattern of thinking. When I was 19 I had a failed surgery which left me laying in a hospital bed wanting to die. The feeling was horrific, and at that very moment I temember thinking I had NO future. If the Dr could have put me to sleep I’d have accepted it. At 35 looking back at myself I realise how QUICKLY life can swing around. I learnt a great deal from this traumatic experience which helped me in my tinnitus journey. Never presume to know what your future holds because your future self may very well be looking back at this very moment with a realisation of how great your life became in the following years. The paradigm can shift towards being good as quick as it can go to being bad, and only when you have lived through some real traumas can you truly understand this process.

Try and wipe the slate clean and make a conscious effort to turn your life around. Get the support of friends and family to help make this happen as this is vital. Our tinnitus is constantly poking at us trying to envoke a reaction, but over time we can learn to not react, and with that the tinnitus starts to become much less of a problem. Your perception of it CAN be reduced. Try taking up a new hobby that is deeply interesting to you; this is to divert your attention away from all that is bad to more positive things. Take up regular exercise to boost your natural serotonin levels, and try to eat more healthily as well. Don’t put a timescale on this. Just take it easy and I know you’ll start to come through the other side like so many of us have. Three months is nothing when it comes to tinnitus so go easy on yourself.

 

@TracyJS

Dear Tracy
I am so proud of you.
I have been busy all day, and have just got home to see these messages.
Of course I know something of your sadness and your struggles.
I am so proud of you, and pleased that you managed to reach out to all of these truly wonderful people.
They have helped me so much.
They got me started, and they kept me going.
You are a lovely girl, and you deserve a happy life.
Everybody on here will help you to reach that.
Well done sweetheart
Dave xx

 

I am going through this on my own, Tracy, there is very little support\understanding from those closest to me. I don't fault them for this, how could they even begin to understand this T? Until I got my T I had no idea what it "really" meant. I had heard about it through my dentist, she has it, but I just remember thinking it was an occasional ringing in the ears. I never gave it another thought.

Reality is, this is tough. We have to bear it. Staying positive isn't always easy, but it is doable. It takes time, one day at a time.

 

@emmalee
Is it ok to call you Ema?

I so understand. I, too, am mostly going through this in my own without much support or understanding.
And you are right, it’s so hard for people to understand what T. I had no idea, either, what it was before it happened to me. You think if it as just some mild occasional ringing.

Being positive had never been part of my personality. I’m a pessimist, or a disillusioned idealist they say, my whole life.

This is going to take some doing. Maybe even a Herculean effort on my part.

I’m sorry you don’t have more support. Despite my state, I’m here.

 

@emmalee

Emmalee
Bless you for this,
you ladies are so courageous,
I love the support we all offer
and can all receive on here,
Love
Dave xx

 

Yes, you are here for me and I am here for you. We are kindred spirits, wonderful! I can only imagine what the conversation would be like if we all got together for a round table discussion. We are all so different, and come from all over the world, yet we share a common bond.

 

Thank you, @Ed209 for your lengthy response and for generously sharing your story with me.

Since I’ve had my fair share trauma in my life, I’ve grappled mightily with depression and anxiety. And not thinking the worst is very difficult for me.

It is so hard to imagine ever being better or being able to go on with like with this. But your words are very wise, and I will do my best to hold on to them.

You mentioned eating well, ect. Did you take meds in the beginning. I have taken Clonazepam 7-8 times for about three weeks, and recently for about a week, but I’m slowly tapering now because of concern it can make things worse. I actually concerned maybe it already has. Do you have any experience here?

 

@Jazzer

Bless you, Dave, you have helped me more than you know. You made me laugh so many times with your sense of humor and you have offered up many coping techniques. So much support is here for the asking, lucky us.

 

Like everybody on here,
I despise this condition,
however we would never have met
each other without it.......xx

 

You answered my very first post on this forum, Dave. I will not forget this.

 

Thank you, @ Fishbone.
I have read your posts and responses to others members, and you have always been so kind, encouraging, and patient with those who are suffering.

 

Hello again Tracy
So much support on this forum. Some of these people are struggling too, including myself.
Ed has had a medical worry too, I hope it was good news for him and his family. He, Dave, Fishbone and Michael never fail to offer hope.
Eve