Feeling So Very Sad and Hopeless

@TracyJS I see you are new to tinnitus world. I remember the first months/year very well. The loudness...I never thought I would survive but here I am many years later living life.

You are doing well.

Thoughts go out to you all @Nanny chocolate @Holly1987@jcb

Keep sharing daily or weekly updates in your thread here!!

 

“How many years I share the pain Sister, how much time I suffer with You. Know we will win, renew as two of the Phoenix from the ashes, we will be happy and healthy. Just have patience." - 30 seconds to Mars L490 *Altered*

 

@Starthrower
Thank you, Star, for your encouragement and support.
It’s hard some days to imagine that I can make it through.

I will post updates in my thread.

Tracy

 

Hi Tracy, I hope things improve for you.


“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow" ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

 

Hi Everyone,
Starthrower said I should give updates on how things are going so I thought I would.

I wish I could say that things have gotten much better, but unfortunately, at close to 4 months, I’m still struggling so much with all of this.

That isn’t easy to share since I do feel shame for not doing and being much better. So many of the wonderful people here have reached out to me so generously with love and support. And a few of you (you know who you are) have really gone so beyond in your giving of care and support, I can’t begin express what it has meant to me.

Yet, I fear letting you all down.

I read so many posts on here about others doing so much better at 3 months or 4 months or sooner and I feel more hopeless that things will not get better for me.

Maybe because I started out more mild with T the first 3 weeks or so and things progressively got worse. I don’t know.

I still feel such sadness and grief, such anxiety and fear, such despair.

I don’t know how to get back to my life and who I was.

Something is very wrong.

 

@TracyJS

I think @Starthrower is right, Tracy. Coming here everyday and writing out how you are feeling is a very good idea. I liken it to having a good cry. We let your emotions out in the form of written words and it can often release some of the anxiety that we are dealing with.It also helps others who are feeling the same as you are. You help them by showing that it is perfectly acceptable to be struggling and not knowing what to do to make it through the tougher days.

 

@TracyJS

You're not letting us down. t affects everyone differently. We all start at a different place. Please stop comparing your situation to others. Your situation is unique to you. Focus on what you have to do to make it through the day and healing yourself. Little by little you'll figure it out.

 

Hi
My T is really loud, is such an intrusive collection of noises, they don’t let up for a second.
Also my anxiety is off the scale. I’ve been to my Doctor’s Surgery this pm to have a full blood test. They may show nothing but something feels very wrong.
In a way it would be good for something to show up that could be treated.
Oh, I do wish the researchers could find something to help with T.
Hope you are doing ok? and feeling a little better.
Eve
@Starthrower

 

There are 7,624,564, 816 People on this planet, and before I am done posting this there will be 50 more born, 20 million of them have Tinnitus of some form or another, You are not alone, tinnitus is, stand firm, You will eventually triumph.

 

Hi Tracy
I’ve pm’d you too.
It’s probably natural to compare progress with other people on here. However, if you are feeling so depressed and anxious your view is already coming from a distorted negative place.
Feeling such despair is massively overwhelming, it sticks to you and threatens to pull you down. Look at Dave’s picture of a hand coming out of the water. Every one of us would take your hand and try stop you sinking.
Eve x
@TracyJS

 

@TracyJS
I'm at six months in as you know and I can tell you this -- all of what you're feeling is normal for us as we try to get a handle on this thing.

Yesterday, I told myself that after the past stressful six months, I was going to enjoy the upcoming summer, no matter what. Today, for a couple of different reasons, my anxiety went through the roof, and with it my perception of the t.

I'm not ashamed to say I had a total meltdown. Know why I'm not ashamed to say it? Because you guys "get it." It felt that I was almost back at square one, but you know what? I'm not. I can sit here and say, "You've already gotten through six months of this. You're hanging in there."

There are days when I handle it better. There are days when it IS better. Today wasn't one of them. But it's OKAY for that to happen.

The anxiety, the focus on it, the fear, the sadness, the hope, the relief when we get a better day, the frustration of a setback -- call it the "crockpot of t." All of that stuff is mixed in there, and the unpredictability of it can be daunting.

You've mentioned in other threads that you're tapering off your med. My guess is that once you have successfully done that (and you WILL successfully do it!) a major stressor will be removed from your life, because I know you're worried about it. You can do this! And you'll come out on the other side of it just fine!

I'll be honest -- at six months in, I'm still having trouble accepting this. I have let t claim parts of my life and I'm baffled as to how to get them back. I'm struggling with learning where I need to legitimately adapt versus giving into fear of everything. I'm struggling with the fact that it has even happened. I'm struggling with all of those things in the "crockpot" and the t on top of everything else.

It sounds to me like you might be in that same spot. But who can really say what the timeframe is? Everyone's circumstances are different. Try not to put that sort of pressure on yourself if you can. I totally understand it, and maybe it's good to have a point of assessment, but one of the big things I've learned here is that dealing with this takes time. It's frustrating when you're trying to move to the next point and just haven't made the leap yet.

What has helped TREMENDOUSLY is finding people like yourself (and the others who are posting on your thread and other threads like it), who are determined to hold each other up as we go down this road. I think about all of you, often.

You're not disappointing anyone or letting anyone down, Tracy.

You're showing awesome courage to all of us who need those examples in our lives right now. You're hanging in there!

We're all with you.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Mystery Reader

 

Yup, me too at 3 months.

 

@New Guy

It's a road full o' potholes for sure.

My earmuffs arrived today. I'll be giving the Walker brand a test drive later on.


Mystery Reader

 

Thank you, Mystery Reader, for your response. You have described so much of what I’m feeling so much of the time.
It’s helpful to know that one is not alone. That others can be struggling just as mightily. It helps to ease the shame I can feel for somehow not being further along than I am.

It has helped me tremendously to find people like you and @emmalee, @New Guy Guy @Nanny chocolate @Michael Leigh @Ed209 @Starthrower and so many others, too.

 

I could not agree more, Tracy. How fortunate we all are to have landed in this place. We will never be alone, on the bad days (and even the not so bad days) we can come here and be greeted with compassion and understanding.

 

Tracy, we're all on a different path in life and with t. There is no white or black only shades of gray. You're going to get a handle on this but like I try, and often fail, you have to be patient.

 

Hi @TracyJS

I understand how you feel but please be assured, there is nothing to feel ashamed about at not being further a long than you are at this moment. You are in the very early stages of tinnitus and be honest, I think that you are keeping it together rather well as I have previously explained to you. Many people feel this way with the onset of tinnitus, for it is a yearning or grieving for one’s life to be like it was before. You will improve but it takes time.

I have spoken with many people in the early stages of tinnitus, that have this belief and it’s not good, as it puts additional pressure on a person when they already have enough on their plate. It is for this reason I recommend, talking to a GP about how they are feeling as an antidepressant can help a lot with this, and they don’t have to be taken long term. Please read the post below and click on the links.

All the best
Michael

Standing Tall

I spoke with someone a while back that had tinnitus for just seven weeks. He says his life is in turmoil and it’s over. Many of us can relate to that and fully understands how he feels. We often say in this forum tinnitus gets better with time and most people habituate within the first 6 months to a year. Doctors say the same so it must be true. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case as everyone is different but with time and patience, a lot can be achieved. This gentleman went on to say whenever he’s around people he can’t help looking at their ears and thinking, how lucky they all are not to live the rest of their lives with this dreadful noise.

This person was seeing life very negatively. At this point I tried to make him look at life a little more positively and hopefully restore some balance during the conversation. Life is problematic I said and you have no idea what another person is going through. For it is said, believe half of what you see and nothing that you hear. I spoke about the young man I recently saw in my neighbourhood walking with his guide dog early one morning as I went out for a walk, and I was touched by the experience and wrote about it.

I explained about positivity and tinnitus, and the need to focus on the positive things in life, as it will help the habituation process. He has a loving wife, two kids a nice home and a business; now he’s hit a brick wall since tinnitus. I was asked do I know anyone else with the condition. I told him about some of the people I’ve counselled (mentioning no names) how they’ve got their life back on track and as a bonus they’ve become a stronger person. They, and I believe it doesn’t matter how many times you have been knocked down, it’s getting back up and standing tall that counts.

Michael

PS: The person in question telephoned me recently and has habituated and is enjoying life to the full.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-big-picture.19308/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/positivity-and-tinnitus.12060/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/staying-positive-with-tinnitus.12392/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/life-is-problematic.12317/

 

@TracyJS ,
As time goes by you will adjust emotionally with ups and downs and more ups and this time next year you will see just how far you have come.
Im so proud of Tinnitus Talk members and Tinnitus Hub facebook group members all supporting eachother around the clock and reaching out to the ones whom are struggling and just knowing your never alone.
Love glynis x

 

@glynis @Michael Leigh
Thank you both for your kind responses and your support.

 

Thank you @TracyJS. You guys also help me in many ways. Also @emmalee! And @Ed209. And @Jazzer my buddy in understanding. And many more.

I still have this intrusive tinnitus that at times makes me want to put my head to the wall!!! But after so much time and experiences I am able to just do life with that crappola in my brain. I don't mind giving up stuff like loud events or dining out or movie theaters.

 

Much the same story for me Star.
I still have intrusive Tinnitus.
I still despise it.
How could you not?

But whereas, in the beginning I kept playing out the loop of:
Panic / exhaustion / despair / panic / exhaustion / despair etc....
I began to realise that I could actually choose to do neither of those extremes.

I was forced to accept the reality of what Tinnitus really means, and to take it on board.
Panic and despair were replaced with a much calmer acceptance, albeit tinged with a sadness for the lovely way that things were.
But that is life.

We can not necessarily have all of the things that we used to have before.
Until one month ago I was a classy jazz trombonist, with a considerable reputation, in demand for five different jazz bands, for live performances, beoadcasts, recordings, cruises, festivals, etc....
- not to mention a pretty fair income.

A critic for “Jazz Journal International”magazine reviewed one of our CDs saying:
“Dave is known for his fiery jazz chorus’s...”
My career disappeared in just five separate phone calls.

I accept it. I have to. There is no choice.
We all have to accept reality - it’s all there is, and if we can’t accept reality, then we really are in trouble.

One quite poignant little incident yesterday.
I was replacing an old slow iPad, when the lovely young guy serving me asked me if I was still working.
I said “Yes - I’m a jazz trombonist”
then I caught my breath, and realised mid sentense, that I am actually not..... any longer.
That really felt sad for me.
I have never had to accept that before.
Quivery chin time, I’m afraid, and I think he noticed, but of course he wouldn’t know why.

Perhaps I ought to now change my name to
Ex - Jazzer?

 

Dear Tracy
You are one very brave lady to open your heart like this.
You will make it through sweetheart.
You’ve got what it takes....xxx

 

You are still a jazz musician Dave, what on earth happened for you. What horrible shocks for you. Don’t you dare change your name!
Eve xxx
@Jazzer

 

Actually Dave, you could put emeritus after your name like retired professors do!
Eve x
@Jazzer

 

Thank you so much Eve.
You are very kind.
I wouldn’t dare change it now.
love
Jazzer
Dave
xxx

 

Lots of love Dave/Jazzer.
Eve xx

 

I understand your feelings completely. I’m a mess. My tinnitus is loud and intrusive and reactive and I have hypercusis. I’m on meds which I don’t really want to be but am barely making it through the day with them anyway. I want to get off them the good they do.

My life feels like pure hell and each day I think about ending it. It’s almost ruined my relationship with my dad and things just seem to be getting worse. People are trying to help me but I feel a bit too far gone at the moment.

 

@TracyJS

"I read all the positivity threads and I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to feel that way. I admire everyone who seems to be coping so much better."

Hi Friend!!
I know you are struggling, in fact I can hear myself in the words you wrote. I remember the fear and hopeless....it was all consuming.

Although I am positive now I was not for the first 4-6 months....no way....not me!!

This doesn't get better over night, you are not going to wake up one day and just not care...it happens over time.

You are not failing...you are slowly making progress! Sometimes at a snails pace!

You will have good moments, and setbacks
Good days, and setbacks
Good weeks, and setbacks
The weeks will stretch into months and the setbacks get less and less scary!

All of it is ok and normal!!!

You WILL get to the point where this doesn't matter anymore and I know with how you feel now that doesn't seem possible...I know because I felt the same way. I would read success stories and although they made me feel better I was so scared I couldn't get there. I was too depressed, too panicked and I just knew I could never live with this.......I was so wrong!!!
So are you!
The thoughts that tell you that you will never be ok again....not true.
The panic and fear that sets in when you hear your T...it's temporary!

You will have your life back!

It can happen slowly over time without you doing much to help it along.

It can happen a little faster with a plan of attack and a willingness to do the work.

But it will happen!!!

Turning you focus away from making this noise stop and towards accepting it is key.

I'm not saying that at first you shouldn't explore with your dr and audiologist options for treatment, but if you find like so many of us that your T is a mystery holding out to get. better for a cure will only prolong the misery
If a cure happens it will happen regardless of if you held out or got better....so I say work on getting better because life is for living!!

Don't let the horror stories or negitive feedback get to you...I did...it did nothing to help me and only made things worse.

You can always reach out to me if you need to!

 

@Nanny chocolate

Eve - I love it when you get cross,
(vicious when riled) xx

 

Lol
@Jazzer