How Do I Help My Husband While He Suffers with Tinnitus?

[T Musicians Wife]

My husband suffers from t. How can I help him?

 

[Lex]

How bad is his tinnitus? Is it maskable? Is it reactive? How many tones does he hear? Does he have hyperacusis as well?

 

[Bobby B]

What is the cause ? Loud music or other ?

 

[Leonardo Aguiar]

My husband suffers from t. How can I help him?

meditate with him

 

[T Musicians Wife]

He ruptured both ear drums in a car accident when he was a kid. He plays in rock bands as a hobby and has had t for the last 10 years.

Now when he plays a show, even with ear protection, he is really agitated for a few days and then it tapers off a bit but he still suffering more than usual for a month or more.

He is talking about quitting music because he can't stand the aftermath any more. I think he should do what he thinks is best. If he wants to keep playing music then we can budget and get him the right kind of protection. If he wants to quit then maybe we pick up a new hobby as a family.

Right now we are a few days post show and this is the worst it has ever been. He is in pain and looks exhausted. I think that my voice is pitched just right to make it worse so now I feel like I have a few options, or combination of options:

(1) minimize talking with him so I don't make it worse and hope that this is a flare up, not a new normal
(2) push the issue of getting treatment (he has had positive results with hearing aid therepy). He doesn't want to spend the $6000 but his quality of life is certainly worth the money in my opinion
(3) find a new hobby we can all do together to help ease the loss of music (he is a great saxophonist)
(4) doing nothing which is not an option because: he quality of life is eroding and it doesn't have to be, this is impacting our relationship in a negative way and I know that loss impacts both of us, he is only in his 30s and he doesn't have to suffer at this level for the rest of his life.

How do I help him?

 

[glynis]

Come on here together and read some posts.
He needs his ears checked and hearing test and take it from their but hes got to want the help.
When music is your life you have a lot to give up if have hearing problems and tinnitus.
Your hearing is so precious and thats got to come first.
Just be there for him and let him know you are behind him on what he decides to do.
At least if he gets his ears checked out he will know one way or another what to do.
Hearing problems and tinnitus and hyperacusis can all cause emotional turmoil and impacts on daily life...
He really needs to weigh up is options...lots of love glynis

 

[T Musicians Wife]

How bad is his tinnitus? Is it maskable? Is it reactive? How many tones does he hear? Does he have hyperacusis as well?

He does seem to experience hyperacuis as well. He hears 2 tones, 1 in each ear. In one ear he gets that feeling of fullness and pain when it gets bad. He did respond well to a week of hearing aid therepy so it seems to maskable with just the right tone and volume. Seems to be reactive. And every new exposure seems to increase the damage.

 

[MikeGreen]

I think you should be there for him to make him forget about his T and help him habituate to it. Maybe its weird but you could introduce him to this support forum so he can communicate with people with the same issue and share sympathy and understanding. It has helped me. I hope I have helped.

 

[Sebastians]

My two cents as a former performing musician is that he needs to stop playing live as well as rehearse in a band setting for (at least) one year and rest his ears. It's really not worth ruining your life over somethings as banal as a hobby band. Once severe hyperacusis starts kicking in, life is not much fun..

 

[T Musicians Wife]

My two cents as a former performing musician is that he needs to stop playing live as well as rehearse in a band setting for (at least) one year and rest his ears. It's really not worth ruining your life over somethings as banal as a hobby band. Once severe hyperacusis starts kicking in, life is not much fun..

Great suggestion! I was only seeing quitting or not quitting as an option. One year rest is a great option. Thanks!

 

[LadyDi]

First and foremost, @T Musicians Wife: I want to thank you for being a supportive, loving partner. That gives your husband a huge advantage. I always have felt so sorry for the many people here at TT who have posted about their family and partners being impatient or uncaring. That can be devastating. I always felt lucky to have my husband right there with me, although at times he was bewildered and scared. We knew we could get through it together.

Others here have given good advice so I would just add:

Don't try to fix everything for him, although it's normal that you would want to. You love him. But sometimes, he will want you just to listen to him rather than offering solutions.

Try to be patient. It can take a long time to work through this. I would say I didn't feel even close to my old self for about a year. But... I did get better!

Understand he will have good days and bad days. It doesn't mean he is angry or upset about you or your relationship. He is mourning his old life and the way things were. It's OK to be sad about that.

Be positive and offer cheerful distraction. Do things that were fun for your family before this tinnitus spike. Go outdoors for a bike ride or walk in the park, take a picnic. Reassure him you all will be able to do things like go to the movies after giving his ears a rest and outfitting him with ear muffs.

Regarding treatment: I personally had good success with a combination of sound therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Yeah, its expensive. But it was worth it for me. I've written about it extensively and you can do a forum search. Here is one post:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/neuromonics.1378/page-6#post-78885

Again, though: What worked for me may not work for your husband. You will see even on this thread, there are differing opinions. You can PM me if you need to.

Blessings for being there for your man. He's a lucky guy.

 

[Sooner Arrow]

Don't try to fix everything for him, although it's normal that you would want to. You love him. But sometimes, he will want you just to listen to him rather than offering solutions.

Try to be patient. It can take a long time to work through this. I would say I didn't feel even close to my old self for about a year. But... I did get better!

Understand he will have good days and bad days. It doesn't mean he is angry or upset about you or your relationship. He is mourning his old life and the way things were. It's OK to be sad about that.

Be positive and offer cheerful distraction. Do things that were fun for your family before this tinnitus spike. Go outdoors for a bike ride or walk in the park, take a picnic. Reassure him you all will be able to do things like go to the movies after giving his ears a rest and outfitting him with ear muffs.

Outstanding advice. My now ex-wife also had a voice that just grated on me especially when she just kept telling me what I should and shouldn't do. From Day One, when I tried to explain what I was going through, she wasn't very supportive of me or reassuring about our relationship. I wish I had a wife like you at the time. I believe a lot of "I love you" and "We are in this together and we'll solve it together" would have made all the difference to me at the time.

Also, Glynis provided this path forward to me earlier today. - Thanks again, Glynis!

What you are experiencing is normal.
Your tinnitus has taken away your confidence,self worth and social skills getting out and about and interacting with people and social phobia .

We are not born with these skills and we learn them as we grow and can easily be learnt again as your confidence grows.
Set your self a goal each week to move one step forward.

Going for a coffee in a caffee and talking to someone.
Go shopping and get a couple of items and chat to one or two people.
Get on a bus and chat to someone
Get on a train and talk to some one
Call in a pub for a pint and talk to some one.
Phone up friends and arange a meet up.

Go at your own pace putting no pressure on yourself and reward yourself with each positive move ..

Start it tomorrow and think what a nice summer you will have gaining these strengths again building up confidence and self worth and social skills.
I had to do it when depression hit hard but you come through it stronger and more independant...You will get through it I promise....lots of love glynis

 

[Jomo]

He ruptured both ear drums in a car accident when he was a kid. He plays in rock bands as a hobby and has had t for the last 10 years.

Now when he plays a show, even with ear protection, he is really agitated for a few days and then it tapers off a bit but he still suffering more than usual for a month or more.

He is talking about quitting music because he can't stand the aftermath any more. I think he should do what he thinks is best. If he wants to keep playing music then we can budget and get him the right kind of protection. If he wants to quit then maybe we pick up a new hobby as a family.

Right now we are a few days post show and this is the worst it has ever been. He is in pain and looks exhausted. I think that my voice is pitched just right to make it worse so now I feel like I have a few options, or combination of options:

(1) minimize talking with him so I don't make it worse and hope that this is a flare up, not a new normal
(2) push the issue of getting treatment (he has had positive results with hearing aid therepy). He doesn't want to spend the $6000 but his quality of life is certainly worth the money in my opinion
(3) find a new hobby we can all do together to help ease the loss of music (he is a great saxophonist)
(4) doing nothing which is not an option because: he quality of life is eroding and it doesn't have to be, this is impacting our relationship in a negative way and I know that loss impacts both of us, he is only in his 30s and he doesn't have to suffer at this level for the rest of his life.

How do I help him?

I definitly agree with taking a year off. My hyperacusis seems to be getting better with time. I really hope that one day I can go back to playing again. I was curious...what kind of protection does your husband use when he plays?

 

[GregCA]

I really hope that one day I can go back to playing again.

If you do go back playing, I'd suggest using an e-kit rather than acoustic, so you can dial the volume down to very reasonable levels. I have a thumper throne that provides all the shakiness needed to "feel the drums", even if it's an e-kit.

 

[racerfish]

I also used to be a hobbyist musician, loved going to clubs and live concerts. Unfortunately, I know now that even with more than a year's rest, those things are no longer a possibility unless I want my T to become permanently worse. I'm currently going through the worst spike since I got T more than 10 years ago and am realizing that NOTHING is worth the hell I'm going through now. The little hairs in your ear don't ever come back once damaged. Once the new T volumes set in, it may be there for good. Only time will tell. Why risk that for a hobby. If I were him, I'd take up a quieter hobby and stay away from any live music unless he can keep the volumes at 85-90 dB with good ear protection. Any more than that for sustained periods could cause long term issues.

 

[Jomo]

If you do go back playing, I'd suggest using an e-kit rather than acoustic, so you can dial the volume down to very reasonable levels. I have a thumper throne that provides all the shakiness needed to "feel the drums", even if it's an e-kit.

That is definitly what i was considering..it seems like the safest way to go for sure..is there a way to have more than just a crash and ride cymbal sound? I really love splashes and i have never seen an ekit with that.

 

[Jomo]

I also used to be a hobbyist musician, loved going to clubs and live concerts. Unfortunately, I know now that even with more than a year's rest, those things are no longer a possibility unless I want my T to become permanently worse. I'm currently going through the worst spike since I got T more than 10 years ago and am realizing that NOTHING is worth the hell I'm going through now. The little hairs in your ear don't ever come back once damaged. Once the new T volumes set in, it may be there for good. Only time will tell. Why risk that for a hobby. If I were him, I'd take up a quieter hobby and stay away from any live music unless he can keep the volumes at 85-90 dB with good ear protection. Any more than that for sustained periods could cause long term issues.

What kind of ear protection were you using?

 

[racerfish]

What kind of ear protection were you using?

When I exposed to loud music just recently I didn't have any hearing protection in. Was stuck in a restaurant with live music and was unable to escape before the singer hit a few high notes that set my ears over the edge. Have been paying the price for the past 10 days. Thankfully we left very, very early in the performance or it could've been much worse for me.

 

[Jomo]

When I exposed to loud music just recently I didn't have any hearing protection in. Was stuck in a restaurant with live music and was unable to escape before the singer hit a few high notes that set my ears over the edge. Have been paying the price for the past 10 days. Thankfully we left very, very early in the performance or it could've been much worse for me.

Ahh im sorry to hear that man. Glad you were able to escape when you did. I dont go anywhere without my custom musician plugs and recently got molded for another set as a backup. Hope things get better for you.

 

[GregCA]

That is definitly what i was considering..it seems like the safest way to go for sure..is there a way to have more than just a crash and ride cymbal sound? I really love splashes and i have never seen an ekit with that.

Oooooh... well well... I don't want to hijack this thread, but the short answer is YES. You can have splashes and all kinds of instruments. If you want more info, PM me - I can help you figure out a good setup.

 

[Lorac]

@T Musicians Wife ,
You are already helping him. You know his history and you know about his symptoms because you care. This is tough stuff and it's great to have a partner who tries to understand.
I agree with Sebastians....take a year off and rest. Your husband doesn't need to decide right now if playing music should be permanently banned from his life.
Increased family time would be a good way to fill the void but your husband might also need a new, quiet hobby with adults. Maybe something he can share with a friend or with you. Keeping the mind busy with fun things is a great distraction from tinnitus.
The number #1 thing my husband does to help me? He makes me laugh!

 

[Jomo]

Oooooh... well well... I don't want to hijack this thread, but the short answer is YES. You can have splashes and all kinds of instruments. If you want more info, PM me - I can help you figure out a good setup.

Im not ready to get one yet but when i do i will def reach out

 

[I who love music]

My husband suffers from t. How can I help him?

A couple years ago, my wife said, Get on the computer, there's got to be something about tinnitus. So I did, and I came here, and learned about this.. https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/
Help him never stop looking for help, that's my advice.