How Do You Guys Cope with Regret?

Hi everyone,

I'm currently struggling with feelings of regret.

When my Tinnitus first started it was at a pretty mild level, I wouldn't really hear it when I'm out and about - only when there was a lot of silence.

At this point I was already upset and anxious about the ringing, though I was diagnosed with an ear infection I had just started to take antibiotics and feel a bit better.

I decided to listen to a live music event that was happening at my work place not realizing how loud it would be. Even within the first few songs I felt that it was doing something funny to my ears, and I don't know why but I decided to keep listening anyway (though I moved to where it was easier to listen to). Ever since then my tinnitus has spiked tremendously and have not returned (this was over a week ago)

I fear that since my ears were infected it was at a weaker state and more susceptible to damage.

I keep waking up in a panic, having this memory and kicking myself. I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for inflicting more damage to my ears.

I'm sure many of you have had similar feelings of regret - like.. If only I didn't do that that one time. How do you cope with those feelings? I feel like I really should have known better to protect my ears, since I was already in a vulnerable state.

 

I'm the same. If only I didnt go near that alarm. Everyday for 6 months now.

Tinnitus, balance issues and hearing loss all due too my own stupidity.

 

It's like anything in life, one second, can dramatically change your life, like a bad car accident.

I always think of the late Christopher Reeves...handsome guy, movie star, rich, beautiful wife, in the prime of his life...riding in a horse show, the horse throws him, and instantly he is a quadriplegic.

 

True, I often think about Paul Walker. What if he just didn't get into the car that day!

 

Try not to dwell on it as we all have "What ifs"in our lives and that's how we learn from our mistakes.
It's early days and can settle down.
See your doctor if need something calm you a little and have a hearing test and talking therapy is good.
The ear infection could have caused it too.
What you need do for now is Wright down a action plan on what helps you get over bad days and keep adding to it as it will help build up positives in your life and if It's getting to you see audiology for helpful items and counselling.
We all do daft things in our lives so put it to bed now and think of moving forwards and any help you need ask for it.
We will get spikes and come across triggers like colds,ear infections and flu and noises out of the blue.

At work yesterday they did a fire drill with no warning and they could have warned me but I was out on the school yard so all was well.
Let the guilt go and now you are better prepared to protect your ears.
Hope this helps...lots of love glynis

 

Hi Ludvik, don't focus on regret of an incident. I put myself in situations I would think back on, and recall all the times I went to shows and wasn't completely protected. It really isn't helpful.

As a musician and club-goer at the time, I seen many other musicians play show after show with monitors and speakers blasting into their face. I seen the same faces going to a club, and never protecting their ears. If I were to ask those musicians, "don't your ears ring", most of them said they never had problems with permanent ringing. Some of my friends who would go week after week to clubs, never complained of tinnitus. So here I am, going week after week with hearing protection to clubs, while most aren't going with anything, and still not dealing with any hearing issues.

I think you should always have earplugs on you, so in the future you can prepare for events or situations that loud noise will be present.

As far as your spike now, give it some time, it will gradually reduce in the next few weeks.

 

This is quite an easy question to answer. I have had tinnitus for 20 years and it got considerably worse in 2008 and took 4 years for me to habituate for the 2nd time. My tinnitus varies from complete silence to mild, moderate severe and very severe. The way I deal with it is not to dwell on the past because I cannot change anything.

I deal with the here and now. I look at the positive things in my life and focus on them and always look forwards even when my tinnitus is loud and intrusive. I am not saying that I don't get down occasionally, but I try not to let it consume me. I always think that things could be a lot worse. Thinking negative and allowing it to control your life is a complete waste of time an energy. I have a life to live and I want to make the most of it. You can too start reading some of the positivity posts from members in this forum. Please read my recent post in the link below on tinnitus, that might help you to start looking at your situation and life differently. It doesn't happen overnight but with time a lot can be achieved.

Michael
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-a-personal-view.18668/

 

It's understandable to be upset with yourself, but no one realizes before tinnitus, that noise can have such severe impacts. Someone with cancer, would have the same regrets wondering what they may have been exposed to, to get it. The logic just isn't helpful, and no one can predict events like that. The kind of regrets people need to worry about, are choices they make in life and how they treat others. You can't beat yourself because a sudden noise you happen to be around caused hearing issues. It's a burden that is not your fault.

 

It is my fault though. I knew these alarms have tinnitus written all over them. They are so powerful and I would often say they are loud enough too ruin your life.
I cannot live with the fact I knew this and had warned myself about them in the past yet still allowed this too happen. It just dosent make sense too me at all.

 

Where were you? Were the alarms job or school related?

 

Thank you everyone, reading your advice has helped me to calm down this morning.

Stephen: Yes I should try stay positive, and think about the things I still have in my life. He still managed to live a meaningful life.

Glynis: Thank you Glynis. I've been thinking that I need some sort of anxiety/depression management to help me sleep, I think seeing my doctor again to get a prescription is a good idea. I also like the idea of having an action plan. I have seen an ENT and will get an MRI and hearing test soon, hopefully those can provide some answers.

Jason C: I can completely understand your pain, and I'm really sorry you're suffering the same mental anguish that I am. I think it will take a lot of time and effort to forgive ourselves, I find self compassion to be one of the most difficult things but I think that it can be trained and practiced.

Michael Leigh: I have read your post before and it has certainly helped, thank you so much for writing all that information. During your 4 years of habituation was it difficult to cope with the emotions? Since I'm so new to this when I hear stories of people taking years to habituate it is hard for me to process the idea of having that much patience.

Michaelbio: Thanks Michael. It's good to hear from someone that has been in a similar situation and faced similar emotions. It definitely doesn't help at all to fixate myself on this memory and I think it will take time to stop doing that. I've started carrying around ear plugs since I notice restaurants, and even roads can be terribly noisy. A baby's extremely loud squeal in a cafe made my T spike the other day, it's brought on anxiety to go to certain places unfortunately.

 

One thing that DEFINITELY needs to happen, is for EVERYONE to be made aware of this thing called tinnitus.

Everyone who at any time is involved in noisy circumstances should wear ear protection. I'll share my story some other time when I'm in the mood to do a long post, but suffice to say, until I "contracted" this thing, I never even knew that permanent ringing in the ears even existed as a possible problem in life.

People need to be educated about this!!!

 

Hi Ludvik,
Thank you for your kind comments. I have habituated twice to my tinnitus. The first time was 20 years ago and took 2 years with TRT treatment. The next time began in 2008 when my tinnitus reached excuriciating levels of intensity. I started TRT and that lasted 2 years. It helped but my tinnitus didn't return to it's previous managable level. I was left with variable tinnitus as I've explained. For 4 years I endured a lot of difficulty but there were times when the going wasn't so rough.

My emotions were all over the place but I was thankful that my hyperacusis didn't return like when I first had tinnitus. I was unable to read a book for 2 years and my social life was non existant but I persisted and here I am today. Tinnitus has made a stronger person and it has enabled me to have a positive outlook on life. That doesn't mean I don't have down times, I just try to keep everything in balance. Life is problematic and everyone goes through this rich or poor. Even if we don't have a problem, sometimes people close to us might, so we can become indirectly affected.

If you have a PRINTER, then I advise you to copy and paste my post: Tinnitus, A Personal View into a word processor and print it. When you feel the need, refer to the positvity posts in my article and read them often. They are a form of counselling and will help you to have a more positive outlook on life and your tinnitus. Also, read other members who post here regularly. Copy and "Print their posts" and keep referring to them and over time they will help you.

I wish you well
Michael

 

I had certainly heard of tinnitus and I did know how the ear works regarding the bones and the cochular, hair cells etc but what I didn't realise is that once one has tinnitus and hearing loss that they have problems with loud environments, I actually though it would be the opposite that things would not be as loud nor did I understand the tinnitus can be reactive. I thought it would be annoying for sure but didn't realise it would be such a disability.

Of course it all makes complete sense now!

 

Guys if it wasn't the what ifs, it would be the "how" which is what goes round and round in my head.

There was one event out of my control (wrong place at the wrong time)...frustration.

But could be other factors?...which means I worry about kneck injuries all the time, tmj (can't eat certain foods), noise (don't go to noisy places), Meds (afraid to take any). Currently have an infection and haven't been to the gp, as need to research meds...was it that Mel I was taking...?

Then I start to think that if this could happen to me without a loud bang or prolonged noise exposure, the world is a scary place...what else is around the corner.

If it wasn't one emotion, it would be another...

We all have to try and get the unhelpful thoughts out of our heads, pick the ones we pay attention to and deal with the t alone, without the cloud around it x

 

I read this I forget where, about someone who's tinnitus was so bad, he decided to get his hearing removed, the doctor actually removed his eardrums, the patient figured it was better to go deaf, than to have to listen to the tinnitus. The operation was done, and the tinnitus was still there the same. So the patient is now deaf with the exact same tinnitus noise problem.

I have not confirmed the story.

 

Something I find helpful is taking the time to understand that none of us wanted this.

Regret sets in because we have an understanding of what has happened outside of the information we had when it did happen. I would reckon all of us here have come down with this ailment by just trying to enjoy our lives, whether it be going to concerts or working in a loud environment. Some of us had no control, such as meniere's disease, a cholesteatoma, or some other form of health issue. Regardless of what it is, we all share the common ground that we just want to enjoy and live our lives!

If you would have known that the live music would have given you tinnitus, you know you would not have gone to the concert. Unfortunately none of us can see the future. Regret is a purely negative emotion and dwelling on the execution of past circumstance does nothing but prove that that past circumstance happened. The best thing we can do is move forward, try to be our best selves, raise awareness, support each other, and hope that we all habituate (or that it suddenly goes away completely, ).

 

I deal with it by NOT thinking about the past .

 

That's the hardest part for me. I can't stop thinking about what happened on 29 May 2016 it's actually like my mind has never left that day. I can't believe it's December, almost Christmas and almost new year and I'm still stuck in 29th May, I read that this is common for a person when they have a major trauma in their life. The last 6 months seem like a blur, I honestly just can't believe this has happened. I'm not stupid, I knew the alarms are dangerous, I warned myself against them yet it still happened. I just dont see how it was possible! What was I thinking? I knew the risk. It's literally like something took control of my mind on that day. I replay the whole thing over and over in my head every hour of the day trying too find the answer and I have no words for what happened. It really is unbelievable.

 

I used to meditate regularly, which helped tremendously with keeping obsessive thoughts in check. It would allow me to notice the thoughts that pop up in my mind, and I had a certain degree of influence on whether I get caught up in that thought or let it slowly dissolve. I know a big part of habituation is CBT/mindfulness.

It's been really difficult for me to meditate since the Tinnitus, it's hard to confront the ringing, so I haven't been able to practice mindfulness. But I feel like this would be the key to forgiving ourselves and not doing further damage to our mental health. The whole self blame thing increases my anxiety and depression quite a lot, which everyone says just worsens our perception of Tinnitus.

 

Any repeated behavior becomes a habit ,habits become addictions , all habits and therefore addictions are shut down in the same manner.

Stop repeating your behavior. If you "can't" , have a look at if you really "want " to stop.

 

Just my opinion, @Ludvik

I think regret is related to the belief that we can -- or should -- be able to control everything that happens to us in life. Especially bad things. So when something bad happens, we think it is somehow our "fault." While there are some things we can do to help ourselves lead the lives we want - for example, not smoking helps you avoid lung cancer -- some things just happen for whatever reason. Why always will remain a mystery. People who never have smoked get lung cancer.

Accepting that much of life is beyond our control is crucial to a peaceful, mindful existence. Acceptance is a key component of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) but damn, its tough. Tinnitus has done a lot to help me make progress in the acceptance department, though.

 

You must forgive yourself.We all do silly things.Good wishes.

 

No real regrets as i didnt know what tinnitus was. If anything i am confused as to why there isn't more awareness especially at concert venues.

 

I too suffer immensely from regret,not that I got T because I didn't know what it was but that I actually listened to the healthcare professionals even though my better judgement said otherwise.

My mind is stuck on those incidents and they play on repeat all day everyday,I've experienced this before until I accepted what happened had happened and there's nothing I can do about it.But this time it's different,I worsened myself to unimaginable levels this year and this time I just can't accept it,how did I manage to fuck up again and ignore the warning signs?How did I get myself brainwashed by all the TRT and"it's your nervous system on high alert"bullshit?Im not an extremely intelligent man by any means but I'm smart enough to use logic and some how I failed to do so when it mattered most.

I regret getting myself into this mess,I've worsened my condition 3 times now in 6 years,who does that?A complete idiot that's who.Darwinism st it's finest

 

Can't change the past. It happened. I got tired of blaming myself, and doing so was accomplishing nothing. Wasted thoughts, energy and time. I decided to just say "Screw it, I made a mistake and I can't do anything about it now."

 

Following the advice of specialists worsened your T? I'm so sorry to hear that, that's awful. I recently postponed a hearing test after reading a horror story here about someone's T permanently spiking when they screwed up his Acoustic Reflex Test - I wanted to look into it more before proceeding with the test.

 

I've spent a lot of my adult life trying to have more acceptance, it's one of the most difficult things I've tried to achieve. Maybe the silver lining of this tinnitus is to help me increase that skill.

 

"There's no such thing as no regrets, but baby it's alright" Almost Home, Mary Chapin Carpenter.

Oddly enough I probably lost some of my hearing and got some tinnitus from listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter on my iPod while jogging. I no longer jog nor do I listen to an iPod. Both were detrimental to my health. (Jogging destroyed my joints.) Do I have regrets about doing both of those activities? Meh, not any longer.

Life can only be lived going forward. There is no rewind button that we can press to take us back to our (perceived) moment of tragedy. We have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and continue on with our lives. -- And it doesn't have to be a life filled with regret. Hell, regrets are an unhealthy waste of time for the most part. If you can learn from them that's great, but learn the lesson and move on.

I know I know, I make it sound so damn easy, right? Well it's not easy, I get that. What you have to get is that endlessly looping regrets are a form of neurosis. The good thing is that neurotic traits can be treated, often without medication. But it requires effort on the part of the person dealing with such a neurosis. Counseling and therapy can be helpful if it's really bad. The bottom line is that it's possible to "get back to good".

So, yeah, screw regrets. I wasted too many years of my life worrying about shit I couldn't change from the past or anxiously fearing stuff that might happen in the future. I'm done with that mindset and I'm happier for it.

 

Ludvik,
first of all i love your avatar, i love bojack horseman.
second, tinnitus can be a real nightmare, but like in every other problem in life it has a silverlining.
and for me is to live in the now.
yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery.
so dont think about a what happend, just dont. just focus on the now. and thats it, i know its easy saying than do it.
but do it and youll see.
right now you are dealing with tinnitus, so you need to be your own best friend and make things easier for you.
that means.. dont harm your self!!! just stop it. its not you fault.

and of course to be honest, there is a good chance tinnitus settles down, just give it some time.

you will be better, youll see
we all are here to support you.