I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take

Hi everyone. Sorry, this isn't going to be the most optimistic of posts...

I developed tinnitus in December early last year, probably through my own stupid fault of listening to my headphones too loud at the gym to drown out the loud music they play there. It wasn't as bad in early Dec, so I thought the ringing in my ear was due to the cold I had at the time and continued to listen to my headphones until the first week of Jan when my T spiked and has stayed at this utterly unbearable level...my left ear is trying to connect to some intergalactic signal and my right ear is a medical flatline.

I just don't think I can cope anymore.

I went to the GP and to the audiologist. My hearing is perfect. I guess this is good news but to me it feels like someone saying, "welp, there's nothing we can do for you. Suck it up."

I honestly feel like a broken person. I have no concentration anymore. I don't enjoy life. And it sucks because I'd literally just finished university in the summer and started my first real world job which I totally loved. My social life was flourishing, I was going out a lot and my fitness was back up. I was really into the gym...

Now I have no love for life. I don't even care. I wanted to be an author, I loved reading books, my job was the first step into my career in publishing. I can't read anymore. I can't write. I feel like my dreams are gone, my life is ruined.

I think about killing myself a lot, but I probably wouldn't do it because my family don't deserve that. My boyfriend doesn't deserve that, but I feel like he's going to leave me anyway because I'm just a broken person that cries all the time. I breakdown so much. I try and keep it to myself though because it's just draining for everyone else.

I'm alive but I'm not living. Every day is a struggle. My life is essentially over, right?

My friends and family keep saying that it'll go away but that's so not true. I know how to google, I know I'm screwed forever.

I just want my life back...it went from just beginning to over in the space of about five months.

Sorry for this post. I don't know. I just needed to get it off my chest and nobody else understands.

 

Hi momo.

You've come to the right place. Here almost everyone understands what you're going through.

Most of us have been where you are and have had the same thoughts and unlikely as it may seem right now, things will get better. First of all, it's "only" been three months, so there's still chance your T will improve. Second, with time, you WILL habituate to the sound and be fine with it.

I know this sounds very hard to believe, but it's true. Hang in there.

Meanwhile, try masking it, at least at night so you get some sleep.

 

Hi Sven, thanks for replying to me. I'm hopeful that it will improve but so far it only seems to be getting worse. How long does it take to habituate? I want my life back already, lol.

 

I don't think there's a one answer to that question. We're all different and we all suffer differently. Useless answer, I know.. Less than a year, if you're lucky. Possibly even shorter. Just keep doing what you do and stay away from loud sounds.

 

Hey Momo,
Sorry to see you on the forums. The doctors and ENT's can be very non-action oriented in saying anything but: 'live with it'. My T started out in december as well btw..
Im attempting HBOT (Hyperbaric Oxigen Therapy) at the moment. Chances for lowering of T within 3 months of onset are 44%. After that 30%, I read. Forum posts with study's on HBOT can be found here:
www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hyperbaric-oxygen-therapy.211
I also started an 8 session course of MSBR (Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction) which is scientifically proven to decrease stress levels and I hear a lot of T-sufferers have benefits as well on this. Here is a study on it:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4203918
Next to that I have a family member who says he has an entire concert of sounds that he hears all day but he sleeps just fine trough it and does not have any issues it seems, so that was quite a revelation to me.

Anyway, I eat so many salads now its like I turned into a rabbit, Im hoping that will speed up my healing. Habitualisation takes some time I hear, just be carefull with any further sounds I would say.

 

Hey I totally understand how you feel, since I go through the exact same thing of feeling like I'm living, but I'm not living. I also flirt with the possibility of suicide a lot myself but exactly like you I don't think I could ever do it, especially given the fact I'm only 21, have a son and a girlfriend who need me.

As Sven said above, keep fighting and pushing yourself towards habituation because it does come, eventually. I've had my tinnitus for as long as I can remember. And I was habituated to it for years growing up, it never once affected my life drastically until last year when I spiked it permanently from headphone use, ever since then I've been living a life of pain and suffering. But I continue to fight it. It's so bloody loud in my right ear that I hear over the TV/fan etc. Only time I really get relief is when I'm out and about, I cry and dread about bedtime though, and have anxiety attacks every night when it comes time to sleep, since I hate going to bed listening to my ringing in a silent room.

You're still early days though in your journey with tinnitus, so hopefully for you, your spike will go down and your tinnitus will lessen, that toppled with you habituating towards the ringing will give you your life back, trust me.

 

@Michael Leigh

 

Your emotions and frustrations are natural for someone that just recently got tinnitus. It can be emotionally draining dealing with tinnitus. Just do know that as time passes, things can get better. It will take and adjustments to get your life back on track. All those things that you listed still CAN be done and even enjoyed with tinnitus.

Time is the biggest healer of them all and support is needed and you should get as much as you can.

Although the noise is very annoying, try not to focus on the sound. This is kinda hard at first, but shifting your focus away from the sound is what I have been doing for over 2 + decades and I live a pretty good life. My tinnitus is intrusive and very loud, but I don't focus on it and just distract myself from the noise.

There are tons of coping/distraction techniques listed for tinnitus, read about them and see which one might suit your needs.

Take care

 

I understand you very well. I am Just Like you.. also Got tinnitus in december of last year... I am also dead inside... I can't focus on anything... But, you Will have to learn to live with it and you can.. when life kicks in you won't have time for tinnitus. Also your brain will get tired from the sounds so it will ignore it...Brain Will adjust. Be grateful your hearing is ok. Be grateful for the fact that you can still hear sounds and People around you.. best and good luck

 

There is still a good chance that within a year or two your T will fade or even vanish. You are young, so that improves your chances even more.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/spontaneous-recovery-stats-over-70-recover-3-studies.21441/

 

@momo

Yes, wait for at least one year before taking any ultimate decision. T might greatly improve or you might greatly improve. T is a very strange malady that affects people to the core of their souls. We need a long time to heal.

 

@momo I feel for you. I'm an avid book worm. Reading anywhere from 100 to 400 books a year. When my T first hit after my accident it was mild and I kept reading like nothing happened. After it got worse I just couldn't read anymore. I only read 24 books last year. It hurts. But I decided I didn't want to give up and kept pushing. Even though, so far, I don't have the same magical, blissful experience I used to when I read I've gotten close. I set aside time to read and even if my T is blasting my brain out I read.

Try to keep doing everything you love. It can be hard. Things might get quieter, you get silence back, or habituate (which is different for everyone). Many on here can read like champs and it's their escape from T. So maybe you'll get your reading and writing mojo back right away.

I know I use to read in my washing/dryer room because the machines put out fabulous amounts of heat. When I read there the whole world melted away and I was so absorbed in my books that I didn't hear anything. So to me it's clear it's a state of mind.

Hope this helps.

 

Mine case is also similar to yours get from headphones at lower volume at my workplace, but I am now in a better position to hissing sound from a high pitched ultra sound, if I can get better you can get better stay positive do meditation and visualization to heal yourself it works.

 

Hi momo, sorry you are struggling so much but honestly this suffering plus the suicidal ideation are all very common for people with new intrusive tinnitus. That is why most of the posters tell you we have been there where you are. Many people do get better over time and have written success stories to share their strategies. So don't despair and panic. Better days will come. You won't always suffer or respond this way to your T and you can never rule out your T will fade as there are stories in the Success Stories forum where people report their T disappear or fade. I was in a mess initially with my ultra high pitch T and severe hyperacusis, and panic attacks plus depression and sleeplessness ruled my days. I never thought I could get better and see my good life again. But never say never. Today I live a normal, happy and absolutely enjoyable life. Here is my success story. Read it to see if it can help as I share some helpful strategies. While you are there you can read up as many success stories as you can to give you hope for the future. When you have hope, your stress and anxiety level will go down and your T will likely be more subdued as it needs your negative emotions to keep on haunting you. So don't give up. Try to apply some of the shared helpful strategies and you will likely do just fine in time. Give it some time. Take good care. God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

I'm in the frustrated stage right now too. I hope you've gotten out of it. I went to the ENT guy who said you've got mild hearing loss and tinnitus. Deal with it too. For some reason I was hoping for more out of that visit. He said it would get quieter when my anxiety goes down but that seems like a long way off. I hope you had luck.

 

I feel your pain, for me it was bad in the first year. But now after 8 years I hardly even notice it anymore sometimes.

I learned that the most important thing is that you cannot change it, either it will go away or it won't. But for sure you will feel better if you manage to take control of your life and continue to do the things in life that you enjoy.

Don't let it hold you back.

Ultimately you will be just as good with the noise as without. It just takes a little time to deal with it

 

Do all kinds of T have a good chance of fading in 1 or 2 years?? Mine has slowly improved over the course of 9 months I know this bc I keep a chart.

 

Hey @momo we've all been there.

This is me when my T started: https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...ting-like-a-child-and-broke-up-with-me.11834/

This is me today: https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...m-living-hell-to-a-happy-and-full-life.23674/

Things do get better. Be patient, try not to freak out. Most importantly, one step at a time, get back to living your life. It will get better.

Best,
Zug

 

This. You're young, young people have a tremendous advantage at healing. Get rid of the headphones. If they play loud music at the gym, go practice outside, it's the same thing without the subscription.

 

When I first got tinnitus I was also very young, 14 to be exact and it was also from loud music, and to be honest it took a few months for it to calm down to a quieter level, please don't harm yourself, and seek out a psychologist if you can. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, the fact that you are still here really does make you a strong person.

 

Don’t give up, I’m 4 months in and it’s been pure hell, panic attacks , anxiety depression, I had to spend a week in a hospital, but thing do change this last week I’m beginning to feel like my old self, I still have Tinnitus but it’s begining to bother me less and my lust for life is slowly coming back, you will get there but it takes time and patience , big hugs xx