I Feel So Worthless

So I got drunk tonight, and came to realize that my life feels like it's practically over. The golden age of youth is over and my life is fucking miserable. I'm a prick to everyone on these forums and in real life. I'm so sad and miserable I just ooze it all over other people.

All I have ever been in life is negative but now I feel like it's all I have. There is no joy or happiness in life for me anymore. I can't sleep or go one minute with this goddam buzzing on my mind. I just want to die. I want the sweet release of death to free me from this flawed, organic vessel that is a body and put me somewhere silent. I don't believe in a religion or afterlife so I guess that is nothingness. Which is fine. There I can be content and in the silence forever.

 

Hi @Gl0w0ut - I realize you are having a difficult time handling your tinnitus and you mention you can not experience any joy and happiness now. I would like to know what made you happy prior to your getting tinnitus and perhaps it would be possible for you to try to pursue this now even though I understand you are not presently motivated to do that. Some times in life we must force ourselves to do what we know would be in our best interest even though we don't feel we really want to. You know I am 72 years old so trust me that I have gathered many varied experiences throughout my life - both positive and many negative as well. There were times when, faced with difficult challenges, I realized it was best to forge ahead despite lack of drive and when I did what I knew was best for my own emotional well being, I began to feel like I gained some control and little by little it helped me to feel better.

I wish you could, if possible, do everything in your power to try to overcome your difficulty with tinnitus for even a little while and resume whatever interests or hobbies you had enjoyed in the recent past. You are young yet and you have not had tinnitus for that long so there is a good chance you will improve. Surely you have seen those countless stories of success by people who have been stricken with the most severe forms of tinnitus and yet, they manage to surmount tremendous obstacles and go on to seek and accomplish their goals. You can too... but you have to want to try. I understand and I feel for you as I do for every sufferer here on this forum. Tinnitus is a mighty challenge but we can not let it defeat us. I urge you to consider what I've written and realize I am reaching out to you.

Take care and take heart.

Sincerely,
Barbara

 

@Gl0w0ut -

P.S. I read your comment in the chat box. You should not blame yourself for headphone use as you were not aware it would cause tinnitus. There are many who can persist in blaming themselves for a multitude of things but what constructive purpose would this serve? None. We have no choice but to move forward and do the best we possibly can under whatever circumstances presently exist. People are strong and resilient... we can surmount difficulties which we think we could not... and surprise ourselves in the process. You can too. Endless self-blame is counter-productive and accomplishes nothing but making us more miserable.

 

It is awful how illness can cause us to turn away from the people we care about. I have so much guilt stemming from my neglect towards people who have needed my companionship. I can't even blame it on the chronic pain (and now tinnitus). I'm just a terrible person. All of what you said I can agree with and have felt ever since I got chronic pain and continue to feel it. I live day to day now but not in any aspirational way. I run from literally every problem that pops up and live rather irresponsibly.

Actually being where I am now has made me feel awful for how my family and myself treated my father growing up, who has lived with a chronic illness. I think we blamed too much on him being negative instead of actually supporting him.

My heart aches for you gl0w. Just something about this post is so upsetting.

 

Have you tried homeopathic medicine, that has helped me, and could be a better support than alcohol.

I can link you to some good brands that I have tried.

 

Hi @Gl0w0ut

I am sorry to that you are not feeling good at the moment. I and others in this forum have been in a similar situation and know how it feels. It is part and parcel of the way tinnitus affects us but you will come through this, so try not to be too hard on yourself and accept it as such. Having a drink not necessarily to get drunk, is something I advise for medicinal purposes and can often have a beneficial affect taken this way. Many an evening over the years, a glass of wine or brandy has had the desired affect in making me look at life differently when my tinnitus has been particularly intrusive. I look at the positive things in my life and focus on them. Quite often a presence and peace of mind comes to me and life doesn't seem so problematic. Try and get a referral to see a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist who's trained in the treatment and management of tinnitus. Enquire if they provide counselling as I feel this will help you.

Michael

 

@GlOwOut,
I know how you feel as my tinnitus is sever due to Menieres.
Its mental torture 24/7.
I know now I need to wear my hearing aids with maskers now because if not my mood drops and get tearful.
I have so much to live for and I can still love my life and laugh and love everyone in my life.
Don't give up on life we just have to do èverything we can to enjoy life and get through all the storms.
Love glynis

 

So everything's burning and you are just there watching terrified and waiting for the fire to consume you. Been there... And still visit that place sometimes. You are telling that you've always been negative, but now this burden doesn't allow you to see anything else. I can totally relate, even when another person can never really 100 % know what the other person is feeling. It does sound absolutely awful and no wonder you are not able to be the person you would want to be.

The next thing I'm going to suggest will be a hard pill to swallow, as it doesn't remove the problems out of our hands and that is what we usually wish for. For me, however, it is logical to assess the things you can change, instead of torturing yourself with the stuff that you are helpless against. We can't remove tinnitus (not yet, at least) and we can't remove all the crap in the world (would be great tho...). I really believe when one is hopeless and lost, help and support are needed.

So I would warmly suggest to get help. By for example finding yourself a therapist who will help you cope and process these thoughts, there is a chance to feel at least a bit better. And that would be a lot, in a place where there is no sign of anything getting better. I started going to therapy myself when my options were to end it or seek help. It was not easy finding a therapist who was on a same wavelength, but it saved my life. I'm not promoting some kind of miracle cure, but for me having someone listen and reflect on my thoughts - someone professional who deals with these issues - has helped me change. I no longer want to die and can see possibilities and good things around me. I can enjoy things again. Not sure if I will ever be considered completely healthy, as my issues run deep, but I never want to go back to the black pit.

If you got nothing left, there's nothing to lose either by trying this path. What do you think @Gl0w0ut?

 

@Gl0w0ut

From darkness into light.

Tinnitus is not an easy condition to live with when it is severe. So it always pleases me to hear when someone habituates and is able to put the passed behind them and look forwards to a brighter future. A forum member contacted me recently to express just that and has agreed for me to include some of his comments although his name has been changed. Anyone having difficulty habituating I hope they will find this post helpful.

Last year Marcus was in a distressed state and convinced he would never see light again at the end of the tunnel. He works as an electrician and while up a ladder one afternoon, suddenly heard a loud ringing coming from a fire alarm that was on a nearby wall. He didn’t pay it much attention and wasn’t concerned about his hearing as he believed it would soon stop. He continued working but this proved not to be a good idea as the alarm continued for another twenty minutes. When it finally stopped and there was complete silence he then noticed ringing in his ears. Over the following days and weeks it gradually became louder and more intrusive.

I remember his out pouring and condemning himself in this forum as if it were yesterday. He couldn’t believe he had done such a thing. Staying in that vicinity with no hearing protection and not coming down off that ladder had resulted in his whole life being turned upside down. With the benefit of hindsight one is often able to see mistakes that could have been easily avoided if they only knew. In his own words life as he once new it was completely over. Married with two young children he enjoyed regularly going out with the family but all that came to an abrupt end. I and other forum members tried to make Marcus look at the positive things in his life and not to give up hope but little of this was having any impact. The walls of negativity that he had built up to surround himself were just too great and it seemed no amount of good advice was able to get through.

His symptoms will be familiar to those that have suffered noise trauma to their auditory system. Intrusive tinnitus with hyperacusis, that can vary considerably especially in the early onset of the conditions. I understood his distress at not being able to enjoy listening to music even as a form of distraction from the noise. Everything sounded distorted to him as if it is coming out of a broken speaker and his ears would hurt when certain sounds were heard. His appointment at ENT was some time away which is often the case when tinnitus is not accompanied by dizziness, balance problems and impaired hearing or continuous pain in the ears.

Contrary to what some believe, the best treatment for tinnitus in the early stages and when there are no additional symptoms, as mentioned above is to leave it alone. The ears and auditory system are very delicate and often right themselves when left alone. Many people habituate to tinnitus within the first six months sometimes a little longer and the condition has been known to go away completely. Marcus had taken time of work, as he just wasn’t in a good place and couldn’t function properly. One good thing is that he was under the care of his GP and taking medication to help cope with his moods. Tinnitus can be such an emotional roller coaster in the early days so often no two days are the same. An antidepressant often helps a person from becoming too down so acts as a safety net when those low points arrive.

Marcus became a frequent visitor to this forum and I believe it helped him, although his outlook on recovery was quite bleak and negative. Perhaps knowing there were people around him in this virtual world of cyberspace, gave him the support and sanctuary that he needed to vent his frustrations which at times I believe were overwhelming. I hadn’t seen him for quite a while but got an acknowledgement from him recently by private messenger. I have omitted my comments.

It changes a lot over time doesn't it. Not just one’s perception of it but the tone itself.
For me it ranges from a jet engine noise to hum, I used to hear it all the time but now I only hear it in silence.

Just past the 1 year mark for me. Feeling much better now. It sure does take time.
How's things with you? I really appreciate the help and advice you have offered to me over this time, and the help from other people in the forum.

It's a terrible condition. I did go too see Guns n Roses last weekend at Slane castle. Used professional ear plugs, was a great show and no negative consequences apart from a crazy two day hangover lol

The fact the concert was outdoors made it possible, it still peeked at over 115db at times.
I still haven’t been seen at ent yet, did bother chasing up the appointment. No point really. I will take your advice and chase up ent and see if I can get an appointment. Just to do the tests.

Yes, I'm much much better now, I was in a very dark place. It was a terrible time. Things have improved, the distortion in music has gone and things sound normal again. I can even setup an eq system hear the different frequencies, when I first suffered this I couldn't hear bass, everything sounded flat, really was a bad time, I'm surprised I survived it to be honest.

I now have a new appreciation for sound and music. I just wish I understood this before. I still have slight balance issues but mostly I am happy my hearing has improved, It is very difficult too accept when it happens as I am sure you know.
I will always use hearing protection at loud events, concerts etc. The guns n roses concert felt fine with my pro plugs in and I noticed many others using plugs too. Good to see.

I’m back at work and able to spend time with my family. Thanks Michael for your advice (even at those times when I didn't believe it)

Marcus

 

You should go and talk to someone. A counselor can be very helpful to young people. I was in your spot myself, but my attitude was different than yours. I did feel that my world was gone as well, but through help and me pushing myself, i was able to survive and thrive 30 years later.

Being young and having tinnitus sucks, it does but you can still live your life. Being so hard on yourself doesn't help you at all.

Also, I damaged my ears more and didn't have this forum. YOU should have the advantage here, seek help and get your life back and enjoy it.....

 

I feel like I emanate negativity towards everyone around me, so I know how that feels. I must be a terrible person to be around...

 

What makes you think you are so terrible butterfly75? I'm sure there are people in your life who love you dearly for who/what you are

I have heard about TRT and CBT - presume you have already thought about these?

 

Thank you. I just think tinnitus has made me very angry towards myself, and I can't seem to shake the feeling. And I've been to many therapists, but I don't think I ever did TRT or CBT for a long duration.

 

Hey Glowout and Butterfly, I understand those feelings, too. For me it's a combination of long term chronic pain and for the last three years, ever-loudening horrible hissing sound in my right ear especially which never gives me a moment of peace and infiltrates even my dreams. I have shut myself off from people who love me, over years, and now it's the worst ever. It is a big triumph for me to even make a phone call to someone, or send an email, or write a letter.

But I do know one thing which gives me temporary relief. It is to find a stream or brook or river or small waterfall and to go sit near it. I move in just close enough to have the hissing sound masked, but not close enough to have any loud noise do me further harm. Mostly I choose small streams or brooks and pick a spot stream side and sit and maybe close my eyes and listen to the voices of the water, close by. There is pleasure in that, and a brief prior of relief.

If you can do one of these things, the stream can be like a companion singing to you softly, and in a friendly way. It makes me feel a little less alone...

So I send empathy about to both of you, because I really do know about those feelings of worthlessness and self-negation.

Take care please,

Oen