I Made the Biggest Mistake

Hey, it's my first post here, even though I've visited this site many times before ever since my "first" tinnitus started in 2014. It was bad back then and it has changed a lot since then, it all started with a really loud noise. I was told to remove a pressurized air hose from the machine that it is attached to, and i was not told to wear ear protection when doing it or how to do it so that all the pressurized air wont come out with such force that makes a loud squeal type of explosion sound..Anyway that's how it first started and it was only on my left ear and it was mostly an annoyance even though it was quite loud. But I didn't realize that it could be permanent and I had the mindset that it is temporary which helped me cope with it, even though it didn't seem to go away, I kind of got used to it and it either has gone away now or I just habituated so well that I can't find it anymore.

I found my second tinnitus by accident and I've had it all my life but i always thought that it's normal to hear that static type of sound when you're in a silent room lol, a year and a half ago i remember how I thought the static was only coming from our modem which was in my room, it was only when the modem was moved out of my room and the static was still there that I had a small panic but in a few weeks i realized that if i was able to live with it with absolutely no problems at all, I can manage it.

Now it's Sunday morning as I'm writing this and my face is still wet from crying and I'm in shock... I always underestimated my tinnitus, as I said I coped with it quite easily.

So of course I just wanted to live a normal life like anyone else, I went clubbing I went to loud car shows and everything, nothing made my tinnitus suddenly spike a lot louder, it increased slowly and I did notice it, but stupid me didn't care and take action.

I was clubbing again on Friday, loud music for hours. Woke up yesterday with a really bad hangover but i didn't notice an increase in my tinnitus, even though I really focused on it and tried to see if it got worse.

It was last night that it seemed to get worse, a lot worse. As the hangover was ending, my left ear had this new type of sound, a mix of squealing and ringing which is 5x louder than ever before. I was tired enough to fall asleep fast though. Now I woke up early and the sound is still there and I panicked, heart rate increased and I got up and went to the bathroom, the sound is still there.

I was walking around my apartment thinking that this isn't possible and praying that it will go back to "normal". When I noticed my second tinnitus I started sleeping with a fan on and it was able to mask my tinnitus about 60% but now the fan can't mask it anymore, at all.

I know that there are people with more severe cases of tinnitus than this, but it is new to me and I can't mask it anymore, so I get no break from it anymore and it makes me so depressed.

How could I be so stupid, I always noticed that it was bad for my tinnitus to go to loud places, why didn't I just stop.... I just wanted to live life like my friends :/ now it's too late, I am so mad at myself.

 

HI @nullone
I am sorry to hear that you're not feeling at your best right now but hopefully you'll start to feel better soon. It is good to go out and have a good time and I encourage that. However, when someone has tinnitus especially when it was caused by loud noise, they have to be careful of being around further loud noise. Going clubbing and subjecting your ears to loud sounds for many hours isn't a good idea not even for a short time in my opinion. Even when wearing noise reducing earplugs one still needs to be careful of loud sounds. You can still have an enjoyable and fulfilling life just be careful. Please click on the links below and read the articles as I feel they will help you.
Hope you start to feel better soon.
Michael

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-a-personal-view.18668/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hyperacusis-as-i-see-it.19174/