I'm Depressed and Thinking About Suicide but...

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by PeteJ, Feb 24, 2019.

    1. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I'm another sorry poster - meaning I am also apologizing for this melancholic and depressing post.
      My tinnitus started last Friday night. Should I explain everything here? I'll try to summarize it and elaborate if anyone wishes - in one of the main sections?
      I did something stupid and was using my computer - I took my headphones off and switched the audio settings from headphones to audio out/speaker and for some reason, the setting for the volume went up way too high and I was an idiot and was playing a video. Thus, the sound was way too high and I was right there in front of the computer. Instantly my left ear was in pain. I have a hard time remembering the details now but I think I first recognized buzzing sounds around a day or two afterwards.

      The update from that until now is that the buzzing sound becomes really loud and debilitating which makes me want to commit suicide. I'm scared of dying, though, and I own a small dog that is my world and I don't want to leave her - but the buzzing sound and volume is just too much for me. Recently, the volume has gone down a bit sometimes but I don't know why or what's going on when it does. It seems at random but people around me think there are things I can do to reduce it (i.e. control it?). I'm seeing an audiologist tomorrow and waiting for an ENT appointment. What's the chances of anyone being able to help enough - I won't be to tolerate it unless it's near silent - the more quiet the better. I'm afraid it will never go silent but at a volume I can hardly hear or can't hear it, I was wondering if that's at all possible - and to remain no louder.

      I am wondering if this is considered caused by acoustic trauma? I was glad to read success stories but eeryone is different so it's not doing much to help my mood. It's just good that there are some success stories. Also, I have read that the recent studies talk about the cochlea and there's discussion about cochlea cells and nerves - and I am hoping I didn't damage any. That makes me most scared. The recent studies and tests show promise regarding that but it's so far away. I can't wait that long. I only hope that this is temporary but what's the chances? No one knows. I am so depressed and I think about suicide but I'm afraid of dying and I don't want to leave my dog. But, the buzzing when it's at a high volume (like at this moment) is unbearable.

      I work at a factory and want to quit because I think it's insane to work at a place with this problem but everyone thinks I can wear the 'ear muff' ear protection and 'everything will be fine.' It's good money and I am stressed out about all this and the anxiety/depression is not helping but it's the high volume constant buzzing that is exacerbating my condition in the first place. Does that make any sense?

      This post is rather lengthy. Sorry about that.
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    2. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I've been there. However, you really need to wait before doing anything irreversible like that. There is a good chance that your tinnitus will begin fading. If you experience some fading during your first 2-3 months, you can expect it to continue fading.

      Check out


      Also, see the numerous tips (especially the first one) on
      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...eone-else-who-has-tinnitus.26850/#post-307822
       
      • Like Like x 2
    3. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Thank you for the reply, Bill. I will read it more closely and probably reply with more details soon. Currently, the buzzing is so loud and 'fast' - how else can I describe it? - that it's difficult for me to concentrate.
      When you say, 'fading' - do you mean a gradual fading of the volume?

      My experience is that it fades at random times for indefinite time periods and then it may either go to a very low buzz or hiss or to a very quiet buzzing sound that is still audible and annoying but not as bad as the loud, fast buzzing that is intolerable. I don't think it's gone silent - at least, I'm pretty sure there is at least a hiss or 'white noise' but very quiet - at times. It has been as short as 5 mins or so and as long as 4 - 5 hours. It seems that the fast, loud buzzing is often at night or almost always occurs at night although it can occur at any other time as well.

      I am hoping when you say 'fading' - you mean any time there is a drop in pitch or volume or something else (frequency? I'm not very advanced at using sound/audio terms. sorry.

      I'm trying to avoid loud noises but it's quite difficult to avoid them entirely.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    4. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      Fading often entails a gradual decrease in volume as well as the change of the sound from a high pitch tone to a high pitch hiss and then to a lower pitch hiss that is easier to ignore.
      You've had it for less than a month, and you have had some good progress! This is a good sign. You can ignore those temporary setbacks. What happens on any given day doesn't matter. What matters is the monthly trend and the global lows. You have already seen some pretty good lows - good for you.
      Do your best/what you can, and that should be enough.
       
      • Like Like x 3
      • Informative Informative x 1
    5. GSC
      Wishful

      GSC Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma.
      Give it a week, give it two. I'm no expert, but if your ringing is already fading and tremoring down then the signs look good. Just protect your ears in the mean time. Tell your family what you are experiencing and ask them to be considerate of it. When you go to your apt to the ENT, make sure you protect your ears there too. Yours sound like it's probably acoustic trauma? So just protect protect protect in the mean time!

      My friend dealt with the ear ringing for two weeks after listening to his head phones on the computer on MAX volume for two whole songs and he said it went away. Have hope. And if things go bad, don't give up. We're not lucky, and we're still suffering, but there's so many cures and treatments on the horizon for us. Even if the wait feels long, it won't be. YOU HAVE THIS.
       
      • Helpful Helpful x 1
    6. Ismael

      Ismael Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      cold, flu
      Hello, I understand you perfectly, your tinnitus is very recent, it will improve safely, do not think about solutions without exit.
      I have been where you are, have patience, follow proper treatment and do not despair, there is a way out, try to make your life normal, get away from the obsession of noise although I know it is difficult, but try it and you will see that it is a harmless paper monster.
      Your tinnitus is very recent, you can recover as many, have strength and encouragement.
       
    7. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      @PeteJ
       
      • Genius Genius x 1
    8. JohnAdams
      Greedy

      JohnAdams Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Vatican
      Tinnitus Since:
      May 1st 2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Aspirin Toxicity/Possibly Noise
      The sad truth is that many of us have thought about suicide. This condition is horrible and I won't judge anyone that has suicidal thoughts because that's what this condition does to the soul, it causes it to retract in horror and plot its escape from its torturous defective flesh.
       
      • Agree Agree x 8
    9. Contrast

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Retrovile
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      injury from noxious noise
      Get a predisone steroid immediately from your ENT/GP!!! Buy Magnesium for anxiety and hearing recovery.
      Tell them about your tinnitus, noise induced pain and even lie a little that it's worse just to make sure you can get a predisone to recover hearing and reduce tinnitus and damage as much as possible.

      Magnesium study for SNHL cited here
      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8135325
      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507266/


      it's impossible to do no damage, all acoustic traumas result in immediate damage to cochlear synapses ribbons and slow degradation of cochlear hair cells. Ignoring scientific facts for comfort isn't going to change reality.

      you indicated that you experienced "noise induced pain". Do you still experience ear pain from noise or a sudden jaw/tooth ache?

      This means your ears are damaged and more fragile then ever, let them heal as much as possible, do not expose yourself to very loud noise under any circumstance to make the best recovery.

      Recent research indicates that hearing test used at most audiology clinics and ENTs are not inaccurate, they only test for hearing loss within the human voice range, learn more here about hidden hearing loss and how hearing loss outside of speech range can result in difficulties hearing speech in noise and music.

      http://hyperacusisfocus.org/innerear/





      upload_2018-12-7_17-10-50-png.png

      entma18-plack_fig-2-new-png.png
      https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378595516302507
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    10. Ismael

      Ismael Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      cold, flu
      I agree, take prednisone as soon as possible and magnesium, today in the only thing that there is to reverse the damage of the cells, and you are within the window of time where it is possible to recover.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    11. Contrast

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Retrovile
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      injury from noxious noise
      Why is neurotrophin-3 (NT-3) locked away behind FDA vaults?

      This medicine could be a game changer that will get the audiotory nerve to send out as many new ribbon synapses as possible to connect with de-nerved hair cells.In the earliest window this should be very effective preventative cure. ( We stilll don't know ofcourse ) but it's such a shame how regressive ENT's and audiologist are when it comes to saving hearing.
      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/neurotrophin-3-regenerates-cochlear-synapses.31752/
       
    12. Ismael

      Ismael Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      cold, flu
      It is interesting what you say, really the tinnitus is related in a certain way to epilepsy and auditory memory, although in my opinion I do not believe in a nearby medicine that recovers those cells, but a medicine that turns off that abnormal auditory signal.
       
    13. Contrast

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Retrovile
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      injury from noxious noise
      I believe a cure for SNHL is on the horizon if sufferers are intelligent enough to raise awarness, what's the point of curing tinnitus when you are still stuck with broken hearing and noise induced pain?, the root pathology that triggered everything is SNHL. Fixing that may kill 3 birds with one stone.

      Also a neurological approach seems far more difficult then treating the peripheral cochlear damage.
       
    14. PortalNaut

      PortalNaut Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Late 2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise Induced
      Hang in there, you are in the early days, and like Bill said with the variation and early days, wait these out and then CONTINUE ON!
       
      • Like Like x 1
    15. GlennS

      GlennS Member Podcast Patron

      Tinnitus Since:
      1992
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music
      The point would be that curing tinnitus in isolation would be that it still improves quality of life to a great extent.
       
    16. Drone Draper
      Jaded

      Drone Draper Member

      Location:
      U.K.
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      NIHL, ETD and work stress
      Hello, OP. Listen to contrast, ask your GP/ENT about prednisone! I really wish I had been told this when I first got T.

      You are so early in you could also benefit from hyperbaric oxygen therapy.

      You could also see it fade to zero at this stage, it's only been 10 days.

      Suicide is a common thought among T sufferers, but please give things time. There are treatments on the way and you could easily improve.
       
    17. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I turned off my fan and radio (I was using one or the other for sleep - the radio was mostly used) and it didn't really help but I didn't know what else to do. Trying to sleep with the loud buzzing was virtually impossible. I wasn't getting good sleeps. Last night, I couldn't take it any more and the loud buzzing depressed me so much that I just gave up and tried to rest/sleep (which was a hopeless endeavor). I decided to turn off the radio and not have any noise in my bedroom. I closed the door and it was just outside noise. The fast, loud buzzing eventually went to a low buzzing or tone. Finally, some relief if just from the typical loud buzzing. It was relatively 'quiet' until I seemed to hear a 'switch' around 6am. It went to a slow hiss or tone. I am paranoid about 'doing something' to make it worse whenever I 'hear' improvement. I'm typing this but the low volume buzzing returned. Is there anything to do with having electronics or low noise close to you that might 'start' the tinnitus? I do have computer fans going. Or is it just coincidence?
      Is this also good news, though? I haven't had a night in which the loud buzzing had disappeared for nearly the entire night yet.

      I have an appointment this morning at an audiology clinic but the director said not to 'use the internet.'
       
    18. Contrast

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Retrovile
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      injury from noxious noise
      you are a free human being to do and believe what you want, we are trying to prevent you from getting false information from ENT's and audiologist. They cannot control you

      upload_2019-2-25_7-53-38.png

      Here's an example of a poor girl suffering with very bad tinnitus and noise induced pain, audiologist and ENT's are useless for her. They don't even care about research, many people on this forum know the cycle of what is going on and want to help you break it.
       
      • Like Like x 1
    19. Drone Draper
      Jaded

      Drone Draper Member

      Location:
      U.K.
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      NIHL, ETD and work stress
      They say this with mostly good intentions, but that is BS. The ones who say this with good intentions don't want you to be exposed to horror stories or taken in by conmen. selling you a miracle cure. Others simply think you need to get used to it, which is easy for them to say/think.

      Being on this forum specifically has been a huge boon for me - I've learned about the research to cure T, which a lot of ENTs and audiologists don't seem to care about too much, beyond TRT and CBT, e.g. just getting used to it. Also it's good to hear here how others cope with day to day T and spikes. I would definitely steer clear of most facebook groups though, most of them suck.
       
      • Like Like x 2
    20. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Your reply is very informative but also very depressing. :-( Can one test for 'hidden hearing loss?' I can buy magnesium at the grocery/drug store but how do I convince a general physician or even ENT to prescribe a prednisone steroid for my condition? I'm afraid they will 'ask why?' and look at me funny. Here, it takes ages to get an ENT appointment but I have the ball rolling meaning I visited their office and told them I want an appt and they should have received my referral (all these health clinics turn their phones off so you only get busy signals).

      I am correct to assume that it's still early enough to use the steroid? I have read of that once but previously, my buzzing was so fast and loud, I couldn't go on the computer for long and the 'PTSD' (I am just calling it that so you know what I mean) of being near my 'trigger' of this tinnitus upset me (maybe that sounds silly but...).

      I'm really worried about that picture - that my nerve fibers/hair cells were damaged and this is what happened. Has anyone read of the study that the CTV Network reported on tinnitus? It made me lose hope.
       
    21. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I agree. I am afraid this audiologist will want me to 'find ways to get used to it' and introduce me to the therapy. I want it to improve or 'go away' - not have to get used to it. :-( I think governments have neglected this condition because there's no money to make in trying to improve the situation or it's so complicated (if we are talking about hair cells and nerve (cells))?
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    22. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
    23. Contrast

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Retrovile
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      injury from noxious noise
      yes damage to nerves and hair cells in the inner ear deprives the auditory brain of hearing input it expects, the audiotory brain then generates a pseudo noise ( tinnitus) in response to a hearing deficit, sometimes but not always.

      Not everyone with a lost limb has phantom limb syndrome
      Not everyone with hearing loss has tinnitus
      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4208401/
       
    24. Drone Draper
      Jaded

      Drone Draper Member

      Location:
      U.K.
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      NIHL, ETD and work stress
      Yes, yes and yes.

      Take one day at a time right now. Listen to the good advice you've gotten from Bill and Contrast.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    25. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I think it's acoustic trauma. But, I work in a factory so who knows what has been going on over time.
      That's another issue. Everyone is encouraging me to go back, doctors, relatives, friends, even the audiologist. I think that doesn't make sense - going to a noisy environment even though I will have hearing protection. In addition to that, I've become very depressed and thought I might not be able to deal with this (I tried to express this in the original post).
      What should I do?
      I am not 'full-time' - in other words, I have full-time status but I'm working 'via contract' - it's not an employment agency but the benefits etc. is virtually the same. I might not even have the job for long. I will need good medical documentation and even then, they could get rid of me if they really want to. It's good pay or I would have left already. But, I think the best thing is to avoid it for now and consider my options? Any advice about this?
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    26. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      Some people's T is reactive - it gets louder in response to any sounds around them.
      I agree. If you can find a quieter job, you should definitely try it.
      This is a wonderful news! The worst type of T is the one that stays relentlessly at the same volume and pitch. A hiss is a big improvement on a high pitch tone. It ought to continue to improve and fade. Don't worry about the daily fluctuations. What matters is the monthly trend and the global lows.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    27. GSC
      Wishful

      GSC Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma.
      I would consider avoiding your job for right now. If it it's depressing you and you feel sick and that much anxiety from going to work ( for good reason ). Avoid it. You'll miss a few pay. You might need a new job, but hopefully with this decision, you won't need to deal with the ringing for so long. Hopefully it will go away. Look out for yourself and your well being, don't let your family peer pressure you when your gut instinct is telling you otherwise.
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
    28. Drone Draper
      Jaded

      Drone Draper Member

      Location:
      U.K.
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      NIHL, ETD and work stress
      Really feel bad for you and the work situation. I was able to work from home the first few weeks after T. It's a tough one.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    29. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not sure
      @PeteJ welcome to the forum.

      I was where you are (like many members initially) who have to fight with dark thoughts and not choose the one way ticket with uncertain outcome. Your tinnitus is very new and if you read the success stories you will realize that many members went through stages like what you are going through but they eventually got better. They use various strategies but the most common element of success is the passage of time. If you suffer from acoustic trauma, then it will take some time to heal. There will be periods of instability of the ears and various symptoms will surface. There will be setbacks. However, overtime things will get better. I agree that you should try to get steroid treatment as soon as possible. If one doctor doesn't give you that, try others.

      So give the body and yourself enough time. I have ultra high pitch T and severe hyperacusis at the start and I was in a mess mentally and physically. I had to depend on meds to survive each long dark day initially. Like others who have been pushed to the blink by intrusive T, suicidal thoughts were common and tempting. But hang in there. Today I live a normal, productive and highly enjoyable life, travelling and cruising with my loved ones. I am not the lone story of course. Many members left their success stories. Go read them up to soak yourself with hope. Life is not lost even with bad T. If my success story can help you, below is the link to it. Take care. God bless.

      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/
       
      • Helpful Helpful x 1
    30. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I'm sorry but I'm so down again. The appointment at the audiologist's was like this: she tried to sell me a $3000 hearing aid and promoted TRT (?). I had my ears cleaned and did a more extensive hearing test. But, I have low volume buzzing but my left ear feels really uncomfortable (painful but not as bad as before). I think she aggravated it? What else can it be? What can I do (now)? I'm so worried that it was made worse or is it just temporary because of the evaluation/tests? Please (be honest but) tell me it's only temporary? I'm crying here. :-( I hate my life...
       
      • Hug Hug x 1

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