I'm Depressed and Thinking About Suicide but...

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by PeteJ, Feb 24, 2019.

    1. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I didn't know about prednisone being a treatment. :(
      Well, I would need a 'good' reason when I ask the medical professional - for my family doctor, saying it I wanted to try it for my tinnitus problem, he refused/declined it.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    2. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I'm not sure what to do about work. Or should it be obvious? What do you do about your work situation? I was working in a factory - although, I didn't like it before - I did it because of the money. I'm not a permanent full-time hire and it sounds like I might be able to take some kind of medical leave (just finding out soon). But, I thought it's not a good place to work when you have this issue. So, I'm not sure what to do.
      My other question is about showering - maybe it's a silly question - but, is it okay to have showers - you have to worry about water getting in your ears - so, is it something to go out of your way to prevent or is it okay?
       
    3. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      Next time, if you get exposed to a very loud noise, you can go to the ER and say that you had to stop a screaming fire alarm...
       
    4. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I said it goes 'semi-quiet' at times (well, what I describe as quiet in comparison), right? It is lower volume than when I first discovered the original buzzing (sounds like cicadas still) but it still goes into a 'fast speed' and loud enough to bother me.
      Is this considered improvement? It's still making me really depressed and I wonder what the chances of it changing for the better, in particular for the 'quiet' tone to be constant or the miracle of it going silent (I assume, very unlikely).

      I guess no one can know but is this development really enough for hope because I'm really discouraged. When people say, they 'waited' months or practically a year - were you waiting for it to improve and then it did or? I find even days like an eternity - I don't know if I can wait so long. :(
       
    5. sirhand
      Badass

      sirhand Member

      Location:
      Bethlehem, PA
      Tinnitus Since:
      4/20/2018 4:30 pm
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      4 hour (apparently too loud) headphone session
      Gotta love how windows defaults to 100% volume. I struggle to imagine what's going through their minds when they code this garbage.
       
    6. sirhand
      Badass

      sirhand Member

      Location:
      Bethlehem, PA
      Tinnitus Since:
      4/20/2018 4:30 pm
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      4 hour (apparently too loud) headphone session
      If you're like me, the first 3 weeks are a nightmare hellscape, 24/7 can't stop thinking about the tinnitus. After that my body let go of the fight or flight response and I physically felt better even though the sound didn't get quieter. After about 3 months I noticed the tinnitus was quieter. I learned I can't drink coffee anymore, I can't go to loud restaurants. Now at 11 months it hardly ever reminds me of itself.

      So yeah, you wait through the horrible times and keep hope that it will slowly, incrementally leave your life.
       
      • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    7. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Windows does that?!? Omg - I guess they all do. I was using Ubuntu 18.04 - and I think it's a bit buggy - I know I have a mental problem of 'wishing I didn't do that' and that I was wearing musician ear plugs or something that prevented the volume going to too high a decibel.
       
    8. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      This sounds an awfully lot like habituation. I am scared of that - I don't think I can get used to the volume this high - it's not 'normal.' It might not be dangerous but how can someone concentrate with a sound this loud? I understand that people get used to a 'quiet sound' and I have had that - maybe I could get used to that volume/pitch etc. but the loud ringing that is also a fast speed? I'm so scared that it's going to fluctuate like this - that this is the 'normal' now and that I'll get these awful spikes and people will be telling me to 'get used to it' and wait until I 'habituate' to it or something. :( Please don't let that be the only thing to 'look forward to' or my only path.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    9. Rhettro

      Rhettro Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      This is my first post here as I just joined after Tinnitus struck me about a week ago. I have many of the same feelings you do as far as fear, depression, and anxiety. I don't think anyone has mentioned but you may want to consider seeing a psychiatrist for those issues, especially if you have had suicidal thoughts. I haven't had thoughts to that degree, but I'm going to see someone tomorrow to get some medication to help with those feelings. I'm not one that likes to take medicine at all, especially things like antidepressants, but when you're feeling this low, it may be a good option. Another thing I'm doing is mindfulness meditation. No, it's not going to cure my tinnitus, but it does wonders for many that suffer from anxiety. All the best to you!
       
    10. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I'm not sure where you live but in Canada, the mental health profession/situation is atrocious. I know people with mental health issues - none with a tinnitus problem like mine but various issues and the support system here is terrible. The general physicians do little unless you actually *do* something. I think you know what I mean there. If you make a threat or try an attempt of some kind to do harm to yourself. The other examples of how poor (poorly funded, poorly managed etc.) is that help lines and support organizations don't answer the phone and keep you on hold forever. People with mental health issues have told me how they have struggled to receive help and they have had their issues for years, even decades. There's long waiting times and lists to see counsellors. There's a waiting time of 6 mths to a year or more for psychiatrists and good luck finding one that would be somewhat familiar with tinnitus especially serious cases.

      Mindfulness medication is an option but when the buzzing sound is so distracting and a high volume with a fast speed like mine, no amount of 'relaxing' will do anything unless I am lucky that it randomly calms down. I have relaxed here and there but it ultimately returns. The random fluctuation and loud volume is so depressing, it's hard to express really. It makes me think of suicide although I don't want to die, I'm afraid of dying, I have few family members left and I don't want to 'leave' and especially, I worry about my dog. But, this has ruined my life at this point.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    11. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Another thought: I've received some advice to seek mental assistance - or the physician recognizes your/my anxiety and mental distress (obviously) and medical professionals will prescribe medications - but, most of these are ototoxic? How does one deal with that?
      I was just prescribed amitryptiline. I believe that is one of them that is ototoxic. Is clonazepam and cipralex, too?
       
    12. Rhettro

      Rhettro Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I’m in the US and comments like yours make me appreciate our health care a little more regardless of all of our problems. I’m shocked that a doctor there wouldn’t prescribe an antidepressant to someone that has suicidal thoughts. I hope you can find the care you need.

      As for antidepressants being ototoxic, I’m not very concerned. I’m pushing 50 and all the substances I’ve consumed such as Ibuprofen etc and all the situations I’ve been in that have been bad for one’s ears, I’m more than willing to take that risk if it helps keep me sane. Hang in there!
       
    13. Rhettro

      Rhettro Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I’ve heard clonazepam is ototoxic but that’s exactly what I’ll be asking for tomorrow. I hope to take it only as needed, when I’m feeling the worst. At least until I know more about what is causing my tinnitus. I haven’t been this depressed or anxious in a long, long time. Awful how noise that doesn’t even really exist can bring this on!
       
    14. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      It's definitely better in the USA. My Dad lived there for a short while athough he was still a Canadian citizen. He liked the healthcare system although he had money then. I think it is a two tier system but if you are able to pay, it works as well as most places in which it's effective. At any rate, it's much better than Canada's which prides itself on theirs but the 'free' system is only if you have minor ailments and even then, the system is slow and full of problems. There's lack of funding but you can be sure, the administrators and those at the top (at executive positions) have their money. The other major problems consist of uninformed, old 'style' medical professionals who won't take risks or follow 'new studies' while 'passing you on' to others or trying to ignore 'complicated patients.'

      The reason I am reluctant to take these antidepressants since they are ototoxic, is that I am desperate for any improvement I can get. I can't imagine the condition worsening in any way. It's already bad enough. Also, I'm not sure they will work - the anxiety and depression is because of the volume/speed of the 'buzzing' sound - are these antidepressants going to reduce that?
       
    15. Contrast
      No Mood

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Clown World
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      noise injury
      please don't bring up politics Capitalism vs Socialism

      when the reality is pallative mediicne is a shitty problem and the real focus needs to be cure based research vs palliative shilling. It doesn't matter what political system health care is under if the underlining medicine is shit.
       
    16. Rhettro

      Rhettro Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      As I understand things, it’s what we are perceiving in our brains (the noises, tones, buzzing, etc) that’s the issue, regardless of the cause. Anxiety and depression is our response to what we are perceiving in consciousness. I just did a 12 minute meditation and I feel a LOT better. Sure, the ringing is still in my ear, but my response to it is different, if only for a short period of time. I hope an antidepressant helps in the same way, but over a longer period of time. I’m also hoping it helps with my sleep.
       
    17. Joe P. Tamborra
      Inspired

      Joe P. Tamborra Member

      Location:
      U.S.A.
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic neuroma tumor
      Hey Pete, so sorry to hear of your misfortune with tinnitus onset. I first experienced the onset of tinnitus in early 2012.
      It came on after power washing a house for several hours. I eventually found out I had a benign tumor on my auditory nerve; which I had surgically removed, leaving me deaf in that ear and also the tinnitus remained. The first year with tinnitus was very challenging mentally, and I cried a lot, and spent a lot of time praying for God to be merciful to me! As time went on the tinnitus remained, and it has been almost seven years now. I cannot tell you that I am never afflicted anymore; but what I can tell you is I have many good days were tinnitus does not bother me anymore. Is sounds to me that your case of tinnitus will maybe go away; or you will habituate to it for the most part as I have. Habituation takes time; but many tinnitus sufferers experience it over time; and when that happens you will be fine!
      hang in there; life is a precious gift that the Lord has given us, and it also is filled with many challenges. While you are waiting for permanent relief, try to keep your mind off of the tinnitus; anxiety exacerbates it. Continue to use a box fan to help with sleep, avoid loud noises, avoid caffeine, avoid tobacco, avoid alcohol; the cleaner you live your life the better it is for tinnitus sufferers. Do things to take your mind off the tinnitus, video games, movies, good conversation, work, walks by busy roads; sound is your friend right now; avoid to much quietness! And most importantly pray for yourself; because there is no known cure at this point; however God has the final say! He is the one that made your ears!
       
    18. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I think you are doing the right thing.
       
    19. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      No, it doesn't. People who habituate say that when they listen for their T, they can hear it, as loud as ever. They don't say stuff like:
       
    20. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I am having trouble sleeping tonight. I live in an apartment in which there's a lot of doors that close that make noise. I braced for noise during one of the doors shutting and I 'patted my left ear' too hard. I am so depressed now as it was very sore last night and although it's not as painful, it's still sore. What is also bad is that the 'near quiet' I am used to at night is a bit of a hiss. Can I make things worse from this or is this just a temporary setback - it can't damage it (further)? I'm paranoid of making things worse and I do this stupid thing! :-(
      I was having decent sleeps the past few nights (considering) and I do something stupid like this. I also had my keys in my left hand and I might have hit my hear with one (only have a key fob, car key and door key on it but still). I fear doing stupid things like this and making things worse. My left ear is still sore - mostly the outside ear - I am hoping that hitting the outside (only?) will only be a temporary pain but my left ear seems so sensitive (all the time).
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    21. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I have to admit, I was feeling like I can't take any more after last night. I had some good moments - it was really quiet at one point.... more quiet than I have had since it started.... I almost thought it was gone until the buzzing came back....hmmmm... some 5 or so minutes later? I'm not sure. Then, it was relatively 'low noise' or 'quiet' for over an hour as I tried to help a friend with her computer. I think I should have just rested instead because I patted my ears too hard in anticipation of a noise (see previous post) and now I have left ear pain a bit of low hissing sound. Although, I have had 'white noise' at night the past few nights I haven't had this. It left me with suicidal thoughts.
       
    22. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      The tinnitus? No. It is both my ears PLUS my tinnitus.

      My right ear is creaking and no one knows why. One clinic dr thought an ear infection but they are just guessing.

      There is creaking and a physical sensation as well. People talk about crackling or popping but I think it's more like creaking.

      I can't sleep. I keep waking up. My right eye is sore. My stomach feels like it's in a knot when I lie down and I am tense.

      I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't foresee myself getting better. I am scared of what is happening to me and just want the suffering to stop. I have virtually no family or friend support. They have not contacted me in days. At least, if I did something, no one would know for a while.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    23. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      Sounds absolutely awful PeteJ. I have been there too. It's terrifying. But
      "suicide is not your only option".

      If it is possible, change clinics, find a good doctor, doctors, asap. There are other members more knowledgeable about hyperacusis and ear traumas. One thing for sure is it's gonna take some time to heal... and you're in pain and scared.

      Be completely honest with your friends and family for support, hopefully you will get some support. You can't have doctors saying "maybe it's an infection", if you can change up ENT doctor, doctors, do so.

      Things will get better, hang tight and don't do anything rash. We have all been there, felt exactly as you do now, but have slowly gotten better.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    24. Strife_84
      Energetic

      Strife_84 Member

      Location:
      Finland
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mixing music for long hours and too loud I guess.
      I still think if one is having suicidal thoughts, it's best to get professional help.

      There is nothing embarrassing to get help.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    25. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      All the drs don't know anything about tinnitus, ear issues, hyperacusis, tmj etc and everything related.

      I suspect they just diagnose everything as an ear infection.

      As for EMTs, in my area, they are non existent. There's only a few here and most are in the same office. They don't answer the phone and ignore you. The referral means you wait endlessly and have nothing.

      I already explained all this before. :-(
       
    26. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      They are not ENTs or ear scientists!
       
    27. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      Got it... I am sorry to hear that PeteJ.
       
    28. john paul
      English

      john paul Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/11/17
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma
      The random fluctuation, do you mean oscillating type of buzz/feeling in your head or do you mean intensity during the day/night changes?

      You're only a few months in and it should calm down into something stable at the lower end of your range eventually. This is known as a baseline. Depression is common at first as well. It's one of the worst things about it, I too felt like there was no reason to live anymore and couldn't see where my future was. I'm lucky I don't work, in that respect I understand your difficult situation though. Nobody cares about this condition or sees it for the death sentence it truly can be for a lot of people. It takes time is all I can say, you have to find ways to deal with the depression and alter you life in a way that makes it work again for you. Your life probably won't be the same again but you have to find the positives that come from it and focus on those. Eventually you will reflect on life differently and start to live life for each day and grab it. Time will sort things out, don't let the depression get a foot in the door.
       
    29. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      That was to Strife. I wish you were right. Seems so hopeless.
       
    30. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I am talking about my right ear - I hear creaking and have a physical sensation when it happens. It is very distressing.

      It is uncomfortable and I don't why it's doing that. I guessed it was tmj related but who knows. Will an ENT be able to figure it out? Who knows? I can't see one.

      I have other health problems too now.

      If these heal, I can talk about the tinnitus. :( But, I am at the edge.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1

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