In Despair and Suicide Is My Only Thought

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by curtis1988, Oct 13, 2015.

tinnitus forum
    1. curtis1988

      curtis1988 Member

      Location:
      England
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2015
      Hello everyone. Glad I found a site with people that understand this torture. I'm 27 years old. since the end of September 2015 I woke up with a ringing in my ears. Thought nothing of it and assumed I just had a common ringing in my ear. Then for about 4 nights I had a thumping sound of walking through snow beat going round in my head. It lasted 3 nights then the ringing came back. Now it's here constant. I have a son but my gf left me and we live apart. I see my son and he is amazing. However my ringing as become very noticeable to me, especially when I'm trying to sleep, it even wakes me up in the night. I had drug problem this year before my son was born to cocaine and codiene and I can only put it down to this. When my son was born I gave it up and things were looking amazing :) then this happened with my ears and all I want to do is kill myself. Every time my ears ring it drives me into a deep depression and I'm planning my suicide every day. I just want to meet people who know what I'm going through, I'm worried I may never be in a stable relationship again as I have to sleep with white noise at night to help me sleep. Who else would want to be with someone that has to live like this?

      Ps my drug problem was not long term, I had depression due to my father dying at a young age and my mum being diagnosed with m.s. I'm now clean of all drugs and even giving up smoking :)
       
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    2. Dave111
      Bashful

      Dave111 Member

      Location:
      Nederland
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2013 worse 2/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Emotional abuse + recording guitar. Songname: Never give up -_-
      Hi, this thougts are normal in the beginning just hold on it can take at least 3-10 months months.
      white noise just irritates me i use radio (whole day) . good luck.
       
    3. Blackbird26

      Blackbird26 Member

      Common..hang in there..we don't know what life will throw at us and some of us get handed a shitty card at a young age. I have battled alot..drugs too in the past. Congrats on your sobriety. Try to stay course. I understand your suicide ideation. I am in similar situation but more years in with T and H, plus Rt that comes and goes and i have chronic pain flares..So I get it..Opiates cause ringing, mine gets worse on them but don't blame yourself for your addiction and now T. Could of and more likely the stress..Seems to be common factor. Pm me if you are feeling really rough...Take Care
       
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    4. JohnnyMx
      Sunshine

      JohnnyMx Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Apr/2013
      Hi Curtis... hard to say, but your situation is "COMPLETELY NORMAL" when T starts.

      Your biggest enemy now is depression and anxiety, wich again, are normal signs of Tinnitus in the beggining.

      As the time goes by, your mind will care less and less about your sound. It maybe won't go away, but you will not be aware of it most of the time, and when you do, it wont bother you so much.

      This process will start the sooner you start to care less about you sound. How? 1) Stop looking for it, measuring it, or trying to find it when it is masked with something else. 2) When you hear it, dont pay attention. As alot of friends here say "HERE IT, BUT DONT FEEL IT"... feel nothing when you are hearing the noise. Start thinking in another thing, or just keep doing what you were doing.

      I'm also father of 2 boys, and T is not a problem for me anymore (although I can hear it over the TV).

      You will be ok!
       
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    5. Hope2015

      Hope2015 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      17.06.2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud music
      Hello @curtis1988 !
      I am sorry you are going trough heavy times but yes tinnitus in early stages makes you very depressed and even suicidal, but as the time pass you will get used to it, you won't feel the way you do right now at all! Also you have a son, you have to fight for him and in the same time to fight for yourself. Your son needs you and your family and friends as well. I am sure there are a lot of people who love you and care about you.
      One more thing...if your girlfriend broke up with you it doesn't mean you will never have another relationship, you just have to get better(take some antidepressants) and then you can go and find a good girl. People and girls won't see your tinnitus!
      I know you can do this! Stay strong and make your son proud of such a brave daddy! :)
       
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    6. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      You have received excellent advice from above posters. You can tell from their posts and also by reading success stories that your reaction, even the suicide ideations, are normal for many T sufferers at the initial stage, I call this the stage of 'hell'. At this phase, the trauma of T suffering and the fear for T has imprinted the T signal in the subconscious that T is a mortal threat. As such the Amygdala takes over the processing of this signal, and we tend to react in fight and flight mode as this is the normal defensive mechanism of the brain when it senses danger. The nerves at this phase are controlled by the limbic nervous system.

      Why is the element of TIME so important in turning around? Because after a while, the brain can get better at hearing this sound without extreme panic. Also after a while, when we get back to living, the brain also senses that T hasn't really killed us, only irritating but not life-threatening. So it learns to back off from T and not so freaked out. This allows the brain to start to get used to the sensation without panic nor fear. Then distractions of life also take the brain away from focusing on T. Slowly but surely we inch forward towards meaningful habituation. I hope you read the success stories to give you hope. I was in a mess with ultra high pitch dog whistle T and severe H a few years back. Now I am living a normal and absolutely enjoyable life. I wrote my success story and mention some important points to help me recover. Yes, good life can be back and you will enjoy your son as he grows up. Don't despair. You can get better. Believe it. Here is the link to it if you have time. Take care & God bless.

      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/
       
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    7. curtis1988

      curtis1988 Member

      Location:
      England
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2015
      Wow. Thanks for all your kind words! I appreciate it very much. The dog whistle is the best description for what it sounds like. I will be honest with one thing though: all the problems I had before this were nothing,pointless,and pathetic worrying over nothing. Although I'm at my very low right now, I appreciate so much more. I've been working better at work, want to see my son so much more, and realise that life is so precise. So the way I see it is this T is also a blessing in disguise. I haven't got cancer, I haven't got m.s, or motor neurones disease. I'm sure people who have this would trade it for T. That's what keeps me going too. Thank you so much everyone. I do hope they find a cure soon x
       
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    8. JohnnyMx
      Sunshine

      JohnnyMx Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Apr/2013
      For me, being able to work is one of the MAIN indicators that things are going very well.. if you can do your work better that before, things are completely improving.

      Keep going.
       
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    9. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
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    10. Hunszi
      Alone

      Hunszi Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Around 2007, I don`t really know, got worse in April 2015 after a party.
      Curtis, I`m not gonna lie...your life has changed forever and the hardest thing is to cope with the questions beside of T "why me?", "what if...", "my life is over?" etc, but don`t worry I had the same thoughts what you have now, when my T got worse. I truly wanted to die. I had a girlfriend who gave no support to me...I sat home sleepless and she just went to parties all night long, also she pulled me to the party where I got this new louder T. All I can say that meeting her was the worst thing I could ever do in my life...

      But to turn back to you...all I can say you will get better, trust me, the most important thing is to calm down. The more you panic the louder your T gets. Try to do things what you really like. At first I could hear my T when I was riding my bike or walking on the street. Now it`s just fades away with the traffic. What you have to realise that your atitude will change not the T itself, so please don`t measure it from day to day. I have the same loud sh*t, but sometimes I just forget it. Your mind will do the trick, just let him to do. I`m now at the 6month mark and I can go to sleep in a completly silent room. Yes, the T is there, but I just fell to sleep in no time. At the beginning it was horrible...20 minute sleeps even with maskers, I guess I slept around just 4-5hour on the whole week. It was a nightmare.

      Have faith and patience, you will get there :)
       
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    11. curtis1988

      curtis1988 Member

      Location:
      England
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2015
      That sucks mate. I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend was like that. I'm hoping I will meet a women who has tinnitus. As stupid as this will sound, is there any legitamite dating sites for deaf people or sufferers with tinnitus? It's not until you understand what it's like for people then you realise that meeting people who are going through the same is a very big reassurance.

      I have faith that I can cope with this. Thanks again x
       
    12. Hunszi
      Alone

      Hunszi Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Around 2007, I don`t really know, got worse in April 2015 after a party.
      Yeah...life sucks sometimes. I`m an 8 year T sufferer, but I never felt this bad. When I first got it I habituated instantly, actually my habituation was so fast that I couldn`t tell you the exact date when I got it. I heard it all the time when I was lying on my bed or when I was in a silent place like the bathroom, but it never bothered me, I don`t know why. Life was just as normal than before T. I guess I was the luckiest T "sufferer". Sadly, this ignorance became my doom, because I lived a normal life, went to concerts, parties etc. Nobody said that T can get worse. I`m not a how should I say party animal :D but I really like to go to a concert or a party with friends once a month (well liked...).

      I hope I will learn how to ignore this new T again, currently I`m far away from habituation, but in the meantime light years closer than 6 months earlier.

      Btw. I feel your worry, I`m afraid also that nobody understands my pain and I`ll die alone. I told my story to some girls in my scout team when this new T kicked in. They just laugh at me "listen...do you hear that sound? what`s that ringing?" That was the moment when I truly wanted to cry.
       
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    13. Sgguy46
      Jaded

      Sgguy46 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress
      @Hunszi

      what is the difference between this new T and the old T?
       
    14. Hunszi
      Alone

      Hunszi Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Around 2007, I don`t really know, got worse in April 2015 after a party.
      @Sgguy46

      Well, It`s much louder, or I`m just started to listening to it too much. On that mentioned party an instant earplug from tissue stuck into my ear. So I had to listen to my T for two days before the doc pulled it out. So I don`t really know that I`m focusing on it more aggressively or it got louder. I hope that we are speaking about the first option.
       
    15. Sgguy46
      Jaded

      Sgguy46 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress
      @Hunszi wishing you rapid habituation again and hoping the same for me.
       
    16. Hunszi
      Alone

      Hunszi Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Around 2007, I don`t really know, got worse in April 2015 after a party.
      @Sgguy46

      Thank you, best of luck for you too as well.
       
    17. Hunszi
      Alone

      Hunszi Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Around 2007, I don`t really know, got worse in April 2015 after a party.
      The very strange and weird part of the story is that the party was called "Rehab Party" dirty little irony.
       
    18. Dave AUS
      Depressed

      Dave AUS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Adelaide, Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Too Loud Indoor Rock Concert
      @curtis1988 it does sound stupid but it is exactly what I am thinking. I've been single for 2.5 years since the cheating wife left and was having a great successful and fun time of it using dating sites. Now 5 months into T & no one from those sites now will want to be with the damaged depressed me let alone understand my health predicament. It would be a total dream to meet a nice girl with T.......
       
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    19. mandi
      Wishful

      mandi Member Benefactor

      Location:
      West Michigan
      Tinnitus Since:
      4/4/16
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      ear infection
      curtis1988 and Dave AUS, Have you read the Success Stories on this site? Have you tried all the modalities to make the T better? I was in a very deep dark place until the infrared laser treatments made my tinnitus much quieter and less intense. It's not really that bothersome when its softer.. though I will keep working to get rid of all of it.

      My Success Story is in that area, re: LLLT, infrared therapy.
       
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