Mid-Life Crisis

[MikeL1972]

Hi Guys,

I just wanted to share this with others in case they are going through the same thing or to just learn. It's been a rough past few nights sleeping. It looks like I am experiencing a mid-life crisis. Yep, I will be turning 45 in April and I am single, no kids. To me, turning 45 is no different than turning 43, but my mind has been telling me "time is short, what have you accomplished".

First, a little background. I was a painfully shy kid who did not date in high school or college. Naturally, that would have been a great time to start dating as everyone is still "on the same level" so to speak (I mean not in the real world yet). But, I avoided those opportunities and focused on other things.

I got into cyber-dating on the ground-floor, back when AOL chat rooms was the place to meet people. This was 20+ years ago when you would intro yourself by asking "a/s/l (age, sex, location)." Even then, I was too shy to act. My first serious relationship occurred at 30. I was dating a girl for 6 months, but came to the conclusion that she was not marriage material. Since then, I have gone out on a handful of dates, and for the most part, I was okay with it, psychologically speaking. However, a few days ago this mid-life crisis hit me like a brick wall. I already have some dark spots under my eyes from poor sleep so I need to change this. I am going to focus on Yoga/breathing techniques to help with the anxiety.

I understand everything is up to me. If I want to change something, I need to act and make it happen. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who is going through this, but if anyone has any comments/questions/suggestions, please feel free to respond.

Thanks for reading and have a good day!

 

[Starthrower]

Mike I read this a few days ago but did not have time to reply.

Ah the mid-life crisis realization....Believe it or not at 45 years old is a wonderful age and still young. But you have the benefit of knowledge. Growing up shy is pretty much normal. I am sure you look back and see situations where you would have done or said something much more different or bold. But at that age we are so unable to have the benefit of a few years of life experiences.

How you feel inside is what most women see. The sense of self confidence (not ego) is attractive. So working on yourself with what you mentioned in your post will boost that for you. Believe in yourself and self worth.

I hope you find love or simply a nice companionship and share life, laughter and love.

Never underestimate the power of feeling good about yourself. And shyness is not easy to overcome and having that experience in your early life - makes you fear it will still be there. But with age comes wisdom in many forms.

 

[MikeL1972]

Thank you, Starthrower.

I also developed tinnitus a year ago due to being at the wrong place at the wrong time, but this mid-life crisis/anxiety/depression is even worse. It took me about two weeks to shake off the tinnitus... hopefully this too will subside.

 

[newarrior]

I'm 54 - never married.. no kids - I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 50.. I've never owned property never had a functional career never really had a nine-to-five sort of life. Even though I've had a nine-to-five job I've had my inner ear problem since age 33 my remedy is to move to Southeast Asia where women are more interested in me the pace of life is slow the cost of living is cheap in the stress is low.

 

[Ecip]

I'm 54 - never married.. no kids - I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 50.. I've never owned property never had a functional career never really had a nine-to-five sort of life. Even though I've had a nine-to-five job I've had my inner ear problem since age 33 my remedy is to move to Southeast Asia where women are more interested in me the pace of life is slow the cost of living is cheap in the stress is low.

But how do you support yourself financially?

 

[newarrior]

Work investments

 

[Ecip]

Yea, it's easy if you're financially able to do it, but for the working man it's almost impossible.

 

[Mettafort]

Hey @MikeL1972,

I am 2 years younger than you, and I have to coaching clients who we 43 and 48, and I have a twin brother. I am married, I have been for 14 years and I have two daughters. My twin is still struggling with the anxiety about the biological clock, and other insecurities. I had my mid-life crisis right before my wedding day It was an odd experience that lasted a few weeks - I went on a long weekend to Madrid and the techno clubs with a bunch of my good friends, and the aftermath of that sent me into a tailspin. I would not like to compare that to your situation however, because while the questions may have been sourced from similar fears about the future, obviously my situation is different.

Let me highlight something too - my wife - I met her on the internet in 2000. I remember those same chat rooms. When I met my wife, in the UK the ITV morning program did a special on DatingDirect.com, which is where I met my wife, and they wanted to interview us as a "success". So I know that game, and I know what goes on. I also know some of the psychology that goes into looking at those mediums; self-esteem issues, shy, unsure, lack of confidence; I would tell myself its because I am too busy with my career, to fluff up my low self-esteem; I dont have time to go to bars....yes I did, deep down I had some inner work to do.

When I hit 40 I had a panic, and I have a few minor panics since then. All of the same genre of "mid-life panic". The key Mike is to step into ones masculinity and embrace that energy, which is about goal setting, strategizing, solving problems. By breaking your current situation down, understanding what you are focusing on which is then causing the anxiety - most likely faulty beliefs - then working with it, you will be surprised (shocked) at how quickly you can turn this situation around, be sleeping soundly and be ready each morning to seize the day, as cliche and nauseating that might sound.

Carl Rogers who created Person-Centered Therapy was of the belief that the patient has all of the resources they need to solve their own problems. The key is in tapping into that. A good first step is understanding your mission as a person, as a Man, and then your values as both, and then doing the same with respect to a partner. Make getting a partner your number one project - this is exactly what I did.

Ironically, sleep is your best friend here. Your emotional system is toast if you arent sleeping, so it becomes very easy to self-deprecate and go into a tail-spin. What are you doing to solve your sleep problem right now?

mf

 

[Mettafort]

@MikeL1972 I wanted to come back and suffix the previous message with the key point that I forgot to impress - my brother is my twin. We grew up in the same challenging/toxic "northern england" slum-fest of a childhood, and walked out of that with very similar incorrect beliefs about the world, myself and my self-image. However with the right approach, the right tools, I honestly think most things can be put into a context where first they dont have the negative effect on us they may previously have had, and then secondly, can be the very source for a powerful motivation to step right into all of the fears that come from such invalid, incorrect faulty beliefs.

I lived in a hell hole. Now I have an amazing career, and live in a part of the world I never thought possible, growing up in a single-parent family full of violence, in the slums of various council estates and projects around the north of england....

Just wanted to add that. And I hope it doesnt come across as boasting; that part of my psychology I feel I dealt with long ago. I share it as encouragement only.

mf

 

[newarrior]

I have struggled with sleep issues for 42 years--tried it all...What works for you ?

 

[Alue]

Yea, it's easy if you're financially able to do it, but for the working man it's almost impossible.

What's almost impossible for the working man?

 

[Ecip]

I have struggled with sleep issues for 42 years--tried it all...What works for you ?

Cannabis. lol

 

[newarrior]

Doesn't work..keeps me awake..Fuk

 

[Shera]

Sometimes life crisis simply happen and you move on.

I feel it every time yet another well meaning person tells me I need to at least be married at "my age". Sadly I haven't found a guy I want to. Let alone one who doesn't want to convert me to one religion or the other, and doesn't want kids. Or other stipulations.

Make the changes you need to achieve the goals you want, if you're happy as you are don't. Don't let other's expectations weigh you down though.

 

[light rain]

I feel it every time yet another well meaning person tells me I need to at least be married at "my age"

Maybe it just is what people feel free to say to single women. After my husband passed away away well meaning relatives kept on with this. Saying things like you need to find another husband like I was picking out a cat or something. I even got a you're not getting any younger. They've mostly given up except my Dad - still asks.

 

[Shera]

Maybe it just is what people feel free to say to single women

Yeah, that's part of the problem. Even my sister thinks it's the thing to do as I approach the big 30. That may have been her deadline, but not mine.

Though to be fair they do it to the men too, just not as bad.

 

[GregCA]

Though to be fair they do it to the men too, just not as bad.

Maybe it's because of the biological clock... its procreation alarm goes off earlier for women than men.

 

[Shera]

Maybe it's because of the biological clock... its procreation alarm goes off earlier for women than men.

Too true.

 

[Cameron C]

Cannabis. lol

I vouch for this lol, works like a charm. Also in regards to T

 

[fishbone]

Hi Guys,

I just wanted to share this with others in case they are going through the same thing or to just learn. It's been a rough past few nights sleeping. It looks like I am experiencing a mid-life crisis. Yep, I will be turning 45 in April and I am single, no kids. To me, turning 45 is no different than turning 43, but my mind has been telling me "time is short, what have you accomplished".

First, a little background. I was a painfully shy kid who did not date in high school or college. Naturally, that would have been a great time to start dating as everyone is still "on the same level" so to speak (I mean not in the real world yet). But, I avoided those opportunities and focused on other things.

I got into cyber-dating on the ground-floor, back when AOL chat rooms was the place to meet people. This was 20+ years ago when you would intro yourself by asking "a/s/l (age, sex, location)." Even then, I was too shy to act. My first serious relationship occurred at 30. I was dating a girl for 6 months, but came to the conclusion that she was not marriage material. Since then, I have gone out on a handful of dates, and for the most part, I was okay with it, psychologically speaking. However, a few days ago this mid-life crisis hit me like a brick wall. I already have some dark spots under my eyes from poor sleep so I need to change this. I am going to focus on Yoga/breathing techniques to help with the anxiety.

I understand everything is up to me. If I want to change something, I need to act and make it happen. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who is going through this, but if anyone has any comments/questions/suggestions, please feel free to respond.

Thanks for reading and have a good day!

I'll tell you this much...you are doing OK!

So what, if you have no wife or kids...you are alive and can walk, talk, live and do stuff. Don't let age and other aspects that society might glorify get you down. Trust me, there are far worst people on this earth than someone like you. It would be nice to have someone to care for and love and hold. If it doesn't happen, then that's ok too.

Age means nothing..trust me..it doesn't. I go to my martial arts class and these kids are half my age and yet..IM faster, stronger than they are. I careless what age these people are.

I find attraction from 20 year olds and 40 and 60.......who cares about age... It's all about mentality and how you feel about YOU. If you love you and respect yourself, others love and respect too....

I suggest that you possibly join a gym and go very light and easy on your workout. In those types of environments you meet and socialize with people and you. This is a possible suggestion, you DO not have to do this..it's all up to you.

Go for a jog, walk with a gal that you just met..there are so many opportunities in this life

You know bro, If i looked at my life and just thought of all the HELL i have gone through and still do, then i'd probably wanna stay in bed. Life has been very brutal with me, but i still keep rocking it.

I have fibromyalgia and a bit of arthritis all over my body(basically that means that i have stiffness all over my body 24-7). I STILL go to my martial arts class and i get hit in all parts of my body. It's all about mindset, trust me..it really is. I have pain all day long, just like i have insane tinnitus that shits on both ears and is not maskable...I have more stuff..but im keeping this short

Life has taught me many things and the most important thing is to love god and be a warrior and help others.....

You are doing great, don't sweat the small stuff.....

All of us have that champion in us and tinnitus will never make the champion go away.....

 

[Rosemerry]

I'll tell you this much...you are doing OK!

You know bro, If i looked at my life and just thought of all the HELL i have gone through and still do, then i'd probably wanna stay in bed. Life has been very brutal with me, but i still keep rocking it.

I have fibromyalgia and a bit of arthritis all over my body(basically that means that i have stiffness all over my body 24-7). I STILL go to my martial arts class and i get hit in all parts of my body. It's all about mindset, trust me..it really is. I have pain all day long, just like i have insane tinnitus that shits on both ears and is not maskable...I have more stuff..but im keeping this short

Life has taught me many things and the most important thing is to love god and be a warrior and help others.....

You are doing great, don't sweat the small stuff.....

All of us have that champion in us and tinnitus will never make the champion go away.....

@fishbone You are my hero with this epic post! I really needed to read this. Been kind of an up and down week. And I know that it's all in the mind - I read a quote once that said the mind can make a hell out of heaven or a heaven out of hell. Thanks for inspiring me!

@Shera I got married for the first time at 45 - my husband is 7 years younger than me. I bought a small house 10 years before I met him because I was really fine with not getting married ever. Funny how things can change in an instant!

 

[Shera]

Funny how things can change in an instant!

@Rosemerry That's good to hear. I'm still staying open to it, though I feel a bit nervous with my T since I didn't date too much before I got it. Really going to have to find me a patient man now. ^_-

 

[Tinker Bell]

@Rosemerry That's good to hear. I'm still staying open to it, though I feel a bit nervous with my T since I didn't date too much before I got it. Really going to have to find me a patient man now. ^_-

Maybe it will help you weed out the lousy ones.

 

[Shera]

Maybe it will help you weed out the lousy ones.

Ha-ha, that's my thoughts. ^_-