Music Producer Struggling to Find Hope

Hello,

First of all I want to say I love this community. I'm constantly impressed and inspired by the knowledge and empathy shared in these threads.

A bit about me...

I've been a full time music producer/composer for almost four years now.

I had a concussion last August that gave me temporary mild tinnitus in my left ear (the side I hit my head on). By November 2019 it was gone, I don't even remember thinking about it or noticing any ringing for months.

Fast forward to February 2020, a series of unfortunate events took place. I started taking Wellbutrin (what a mistake) for my chronic depression and a few weeks later I had a dentist cleaning.

When I was walking to my car to drive to my dentist appointment there were construction workers cutting down a tree right next to my car. I rushed to get in my car and attempted to plug my ears but the sound was so incredibly loud.

The dentist cleaning drill absolutely terrorized me that day. I've had cleanings my whole life and never had the drill bother me this much. It actually made my eyes water to the point the hygienist switched to manual tools (I wish I knew about this beforehand). I actually need to get a filling replaced, but I'm obviously terrified and have been avoiding going. I know they will need to use drill. I wish they could just put me under anesthesia.

My tinnitus is super high pitched ringing in the left ear mostly and is at it's peak in the afternoons and evenings.

It was traumatic month. I quit Wellbutrin immediately and switched to Trazodone for sleep.
I got my earwax cleaned out (no effect), saw an ENT and got my hearing checked (average results outside of some high frequency dips in left ear). ENT prescribed my betahistine but I noticed no improvement (only been 30 days of taking it but debating stopping).

I broke down and cried in the ENT office. All she did was tell me to get $4000 tinnitus masking hearing aids. I don't have the money for that and from browsing on here, it seems unclear if it's worth it.

I worry I'll never have a high quality of life, that I'll have to stop doing what I love, that I'll have to move somewhere else (LA is so loud).

Quitting coffee and THC/CBD has been tough, those were two big sources of joy in my life. I'm still holding out hope I can introduce coffee again down the road.

I've been ordering every supplement that may help. So far nothing really seems to be working. I've started online therapy to try CBT but it's been a slow process. I've slept with white noise machines for years already (I used to have loud roommates).

Like almost everyone, the pandemic has added so much stress to my life. I know it's amplifying my tinnitus. I've never been under such stress and anxiety in my life.

My usual clients are almost all on hiatus until the lockdown is over, so money stress is bad as well.

The few gigs I do get, I've had to turn down cause my tinnitus was too distracting and I didn't want to aggravate it.

The most painful part of this is feeling like I'm losing my career, I've worked so hard to get to where I am now that the thought of it being ripped away from me is devastating. Things were just starting to take off for me. My current goal is to try to start writing again cautiously, without headphones, at a low volume.

I have no plan B. I put everything into a music career.

I really want to be a story of hope and recovery, but right now I'm lost and alone.

I wish this pandemic would be over so I can at least go see my family.

I'd love to get some feedback on my story if anyone's up for it. Maybe there's positives I'm missing.

Thank you for reading.

 

They are all a waste of time.

 

I have tried:
1) Zinc
2) Vitamin B12
3) Vitamin B Compounds
4) Potassium
5) Ginkgo Biloba
6) Echinacea
7) Lipoflavonoid
8) Cilantro
9) Tinnitivex
10) Magnesium Citrate
11) Magnesium Oxide
12) Turmeric
13) Vitamin A
14) Melatonin
15) Ring Relief (Or whatever that was)
16) CoQ10
17) Various Antihistamines
18) DHEA
19) Maxalt (Rizatriptan)
20) Gabapentin

And so many others that I cannot quite recall.

Contrast is entirely correct - these were all as useless as shining a flashlight on my head would have been.

 

My best advice is continue making music but try adding high pitches into it. I just listened to this YouTube video the other day and it seemed to really help/distract me. "Tinnitus Music Therapy, Best Tinnitus Sound Generator" and It really got me thinking that maybe more artist could incorporate these pitches/notes into more songs. I really enjoy chill/dubstep/electro music so I could really see it added to them and people without Tinnitus wouldnt even really notice/care.

Now to be honest this basically just started and my ringing isnt terrible. Its annoying but I can only imagine the amount of people who have it WAY worse than me. So maybe the video wont help people who have it worse than me or that have a different noise but that doesnt mean other videos/songs wont help those people.

Basically in my mind I feel that this noise should be able to be suppressed if the correct tune/tone is being played depending on the person(s).

 

What frequencies and what dips and have you had any other symptoms since you had a concussion?

 

I didn't get a copy of my chart but from memory it dipped in the 4000Hz range.

I believe my hearing was average, mostly in the 10db range with the dip being into 20db.

(apologies if I'm phrasing these terms wrong, I'm super new to this, hope that makes sense)

No other symptoms from the concussion that lasted more than a week or two (dizziness, blurry vision). Though I will say I've had some mild dizziness in the past few days in the evenings.

 

Wellbutrin is a bitch. There are so many testimonies of tinnitus onsets by that drug.

Smart move.
You have to give time.
There's a good chance that things will calm down and you can keep on writing music, maybe with a few adjustments and precautions. For the gigs, I can't tell.
Personally I cannot provide advice, because I am one of the bad cases here. "Lucky" me!
My point is that I read many people getting better. On top of that I have a few acquaintances in real life - musicians and a DJ - who they still do their thing. One is in the US btw.
I understand the frustration at this point. I would suggest to rest your ears now and take it slow. COVID-19 along with the confinement is giving you this "opportunity".
There's somewhere here a thread were various people post advice to people with recent onset. Can't recall the title. I'll see whether I can track it down.

 

It's disturbing that the hygienist hasn't offered manual tools to you earlier.

There is still a chance that it will begin fading and eventually you will have your life back. Is it the case that you haven't experienced any fading yet?

You might want to try being serious about protecting your ears from all of the sounds that don't feel right to you right now. I hope you will be able to try it for at least 6-8 weeks.

Normally I wouldn't want to mention the horror stories below, but I feel that it is important to argue against the advice above. One has to take those innocent sounding sounds seriously.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Unfortunately

https://www.buzzfeed.com/joycecohen/noise-kills-when-everyday-sound-becomes-torture
More useful quotes from that buzzfeed article

Regarding a person who had committed suicide as a result of T and H:

 

Hey Nash13,

I'm brand new to Tinnitus-Talk- joined last month. I live in Los Angeles too and just wanted to say hello and let you know you are not alone!

My tinnitus started during the George Floyd Riots weekend. My 1st 3 weeks were extremely tough, the last 3 have gotten better but still hard and with LA shutting down again makes things even tougher.

I posted 2 messages in "Introduce Yourself" section. For my case (complicated) I may have surgery to repair structural problems to my ear which may/may not help tinnitus.

Anyway, details in my other posts. I just wanted to reach out.

I am not the best person to ask for advice since I'm a newbie but I can always listen and give you any suggestions that turn out to help my case of T.

All the best!

 

Hey @nash13 and @JT2020

I am sorry to hear that! I also got tinnitus in May. It has been one of the most challenging experiences i have ever had to deal with. I am also a producer/Sound Engineer/ DJ I just finished my TAFE last year and jumped to continue with the degree this year. I had to change classes this semester because i didn´t want to do anything with sound. i really want to give my ears a good rest. I am also having some hyperacusis and what some people call Dyplacusis which is distortion of sound.

From what i can tell many get better and some other habituate. It is hard to be positive in the early stages, I have been having up and downs, being on my own doesn´t help, corona virus doesn´t help, i guess just time helps and trying to be calm even if the sound from our ears doesn´t stop, this is my first post here, i have been reading the sucessful stories and watching Julian Cowan Hill on youtube. It is not much we can do but just hope we can get our life back and go back to music maybe just doing small changes.

It helps to know we are not alone, I have told some friends and weirdly enought they have said yeah i have that as well, Mostly some of my friends that work in sound they all have a sort of tinnitus, it is so common and yet we are so unaware of the dangers of exposing our selves to loud noises.

feel free to reach out, also it helps to have a T warrior buddy, I have been speaking to a woman that has it for several years and just having that assurance that the beginning is the hardest and that everything gets easier is really comforting in time of despair.