My Nightmare

A suffering that I sometimes wish would kill me. I'm caged in my own skin, and my mind disposed of the key to set me free.

Every night I dream about her, my former love. These dreams that my subconscious creates to keep me on my knees, crawling, as if at someones mercy through a now pathetic substitute of my former life. I experience losing her over and over, my mind noting in detail how her once soft voice had turned cold and black as she left me to suffer alone. I awake to a reality that mimics my dreams, sleep is no escape from this hell. She admits her love for me is still there, yet it seems that love is not strong enough to forgive and welcome me back.

I had a brother once. Though I only knew him for a short time, I loved him as if I had been with him for an eternity. 23 years of life, and only at this specific moment did I feel as if I wasn't alone. A lottery worth winning, my adopted brother was also searching for me. Though, I should have seen his death coming. I am not meant for happiness. And just as quickly as this crucial part of my life came, he disappeared.

The anxiety... I can't leave my home. I can always sense the panic attack lurking just outside, waiting to terrify me back into submission. I am dissociated from myself, and from the world... As if I am constantly looking through a filtered lens at my surroundings. Nothing is real, nothing is safe.

This screaming in my ear, it pierces through any shred of hope I have for a normal life. Though for me, hope is just an illusion created to increase my suffering when it doesn't yield any result. Specific phobias I developed while sheltering myself in a depressive state are now worse, as I have added any and all noise to this list.

Life has decided to stack these things in a way that their weight accumulates together until I can't lift them off of my chest. I am pinned to the floor, alone, and rotting from the inside. Every day my grip on reality loosens, as I lose interest in continuing this struggle. Maybe this is Karma. Maybe every second of my life was leading up to this payback for the terrible lives I have lived. The order in which my life is falling apart seems far to orchestrated to be a coincidence.

I want to go back. I used to feel alive.

 

hi storch , you have a support group here , remember that theres millions of people like this ...

 

I have true empathy for your tinnitus and panic sufferings. I suffered decades of anxiety and panic disorders as well as severe tinnitus plus hyperacusis.

My panic disorder started when I was in preteen and from 24 till a few years back they became recurring so much so that I often have Ativan in my pocket ready to the rescue in case a panic set in. I understand your pain. I had so many phobia too, so much so that way back I had a hard time leaving my home too. I feared I would pass out any moment. I felt suffocating even by just getting into an elevator. When I was doing a computer presentation to users (being a computer consultant), with all eyes on me, I often felt panic and had to excuse myself to the restroom to take the Ativan to calm down. When I was asked to do a church talk in sacrament, I would sweat profusely and shake. I had social anxiety, anticipatory anxiety, panic disorder, phobia, etc. for decades. I also have ultra high pitch loud tinnitus and hyperacusis and was suicidal at one time. So I understand your pain.

I learned from CBT that I tended to think with cognitive distortions, particularly catastrophic and all or nothing thinking. That is the reason I had so much problem in the past. By correcting how I think and now learn to take a more realistic & positive approach, I am now living an enjoyable, productive, and normal life. My new motto is living life abundantly to compensate for tinnitus suffering (if any, and getting less and less), and finding joy amid the pain. Life is not meant to be perfect. I have learned to accept its imperfections and flow with its ups and downs. The vicissitudes of life is inevitable to us mortals. They are our human realities.

I now try to enjoy the good, learn from the bad and ignore the ugly (tinnitus belong to that category). Nowadays, my loud T is mostly faded out from consciousness by my brain which has hardened to the same loud ringing, much like a person living near an airport but not noticing sounds of approaching planes. It doesn't scare me or upset me any more. It has lost its tyranny over me.

The new life skills I learned in coping with tinnitus sufferings such as CBT have helped me moderate my reactions to T as well as handling challenges in life. Tinnitus forced me to change my approach to being much more positive and by doing so it actually helps me manage my anxiety/panic disorder much better. I have not had a panic attack for a few years now since recovering from T panic. So there is life after tinnitus and panic attacks. Don't give up your struggle brother. Take it easy. This forum has many caring people with wisdom to help you. Welcome to the forum.

 

Hey stOrch, just what is it that you did that you think T is a payback....

 

Sometimes life sucks and it seems that whenever you get up you are knocked back down again. For what reason I often ask myself and it seems unfair that it happens to good people but often the scumbags seem to breeze through life unscathed. It's the luck of the draw as I see it. I think you might need some counseling Storch or a good friend to confide in. It's important that you don't blame yourself though because it won't help you. You have to find whatever it is that gives you peace and contentment. Life is full of obstacles, it's a test as to how resilient we are. Sometimes we fail but we get up and brush ourselves off and try again. Tinnitus is horrible in the beginning but in time it becomes but an occasional annoyance or a nothing. You have to focus on whatever it is that makes you feel alive rather than on all the negatives. I won't bore you with my life story but I can relate to everything you wrote.

 

Man.... I can relate to your story.
Try and keep up your spirits, we are all in this together.
It just so happens that I managed to get my anxiety and panic attacks under control in one evening...by using a simple but very effective method. Pm me if you want and I will explain.

 

RaZaH, if you have found a simple way to help with panic attacks and anxiety could you also share it here for everyone to see.

 

I agree with Karen. Your writing skills are incredible. You should realize your worth in this world and not accept T as a punishment or Karma for something you think you've done in a past life. It sounds like your accepting it as your punishment. I'm truly sorry for your lost love and your brother and your feeling of aloneness in your suffering with T. It's a shame that your love couldn't find the strength to stick by you, perhaps it's a lesson in how strong you can be on your own. Your really not alone at all though, everyone here feels for you and understands. No their not knocking at our door or hanging out with you but their here cheering you on, lending an ear, offering their experiences in an effort to hold you up and move you forward. If you could find a way to channel your feelings/struggles into a writing project...WOW you could be a published author. Your writing is poetic and comes from a deep place. I hope you find that you are stronger than you may realize and find your way out of a place of such sadness. Your not alone. I hope you find peace and realize your own strength and worth.

 

You're an excellent writer. Your suffering is not the result of bad karma, it is the result of being human and inflicted with a condition that affects your quality of life.

 

I agree with many posters above that you have exceptional writing skill. Stork, don't waste your talent there. Write something for a publisher to see your writing skill. You can also do self publishing on the web nowadays. I have heard of a story of a girl in the States who loves writing but turned down by a few publishers, so instead she published her works on the web. Many readers like her writing so much that she shot to fame. The story goes that some publishers now are offering her $ 2 million to write books for them. If you can channel your energy into writing novels or poems, you can distract yourself from T as well as from the sadness of your lost loves. A big part of T suffering is mental. So if your mind is not focusing on it, its tyranny on your life will lessen. Again, great writing and hang in there, brother.

 

this is just so tragically sad, I agree with everything you say. it is so tragic because you are also a brilliant writer, and such a beautiful person for this to happen to. but, nevertheless, even though you talk about hope in that manner, like it is some cruel joke, for me 5 months ago I also thought it was all over and done with. you must keep constant sound in your environment, so that the tinnitus no longer controls you in the way it does at the moment, in such a heart breaking manner. at the ATA.org website they have a sound creation board, where you can create sounds that will help your tinnitus "hide" inside the sound. the sound must be of such a volume that the tinnitus is slightly louder than the sound. this will give your brain the cue, how to eventually learn to be able to "ignore" the tinnitus - you will gradually get to the point where you can hear the tinnitus, but it does not cause the same distress/panic/grief reaction. this will take months or even up to 2 years. I struggle with the exact same issue like you do.

 

Agree with everything said here !! You are NOT alone and this does suck! But TT is here for you and me and all of us to help each other get through and LIVE!!! Don't give up!!

 

Storch, you were created for a great life and let's trust God to help us find the way. As a Christian, we believe this life is but a blink, and our future life in eternity is forever. So we have that hope to look forward to...a place where there will be no suffering. Praying for God to give you and us the wisdom for dealing with these problems while we are here and to help us first to be faithful to Him. Then we will know where our future is secured.

Can you get in a support group? The listings are there if you google it. My local one has already been helping a LOT!
We need real people with same issues to talk to regularly. There are lots of ideas on these threads to try... Going to retraining, support groups, trying options...

Praying for you, Storch!