Not Much Hope Left Anymore

Thing are getting worse. My T is driving me almost to distraction and I don not think that I can suffer much more of this torment. I have lost all hope especially after reading that a cure may be as far away as 100 years. I used to offer support on these threads but it has just grinded my whole being away. I know that suicide is wrong in the eyes of God but living seems not to be much of an option. The first thing I hear when I wake and the last thing before I anaesthatise myself with alcohol and diazepam. My life has sunk so low that my marriage is in difficulties because of this horrible affliction. I take anti depressants and diaz and occasionally a zolpadine which I am desperately hanging on to for really bad spikes. Some days theT seems so loud that I will either end my life or go mad. I hope you fellow sufferers have an easier time than me. Thanks.

 

Cymro41,

Listen, I've been exactly where you are for months. You are at the edge and I am also. I too have difficulties, especially awakening, to this absolutely horrid and loud noise and thinking is this going to be like this, forever? I'm being driven to madness! How can I make it through another day? I'm mentally exhausted and just want to lie down in peace.

What keeps me alive and suffering? Hope and the possibility, that one of these days, they will figure this thing out and I'll be back to normal. Also, what is on the other side? Will there be consequences to our actions if we off ourselves? You now have some control over things here. There, you have no control. What if it's worse on the dark side? You can't come back and that's certainly forever!

What I do to survive another day, is to get in my car, turn the radio on and drive somewhere. I walk the beach with the waves crashing and always have masking noises running all over my house. I take no meds, although I have tried them. I have a few glasses of wine before dinner to try and mellow out. To much leads to more depression. I have a masking machine on my bed and try to concentrate on some movies at night. I have a big piece of property and after sunset, there are hundreds of crickets and tree frogs outside, which perfectly mask out my T. So, I try to fake it all day long. It's not much of an existence but I'm still clinging on to hope. You can too.

Sailboardman.

 

Welcome to TT. I hope we don't need 100 years for the solution to T. Right now there are drugs being tested which have proven to reduce the T loudness by 75% for one member who has tried it. There are drugs like Autifony, AM101 in the horizon. Members also reported that Trobalt & Keppra plus others have helped them. So good things are happening in the medical world.

@Sailboardman and I had similar thought about the big 'S' question which my tired and stressed out mind was entertaining daily as it saw no way out of the dark tunnel. Looking at my life now, I thank God that He has preserved me through 'hell'.

A few years back my body was taking immense sufferings from ultra high pitch dog whistle T, severe H, as well as relentless anxiety and panic attacks. I had suffered anxiety and panic disorder for decades prior to T & H. It is one thing to deal with T & H. You add the horrible symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks on top of that, you have 'hell' to deal with daily. The combined sufferings were too much to bear and the big ‘S’ word was tempting to my tired and stressed out mind as it saw no way out of the long dark tunnel. But I didn't want to die this way at all cost. I began to search on Internet, and those youtube videos of people coming back from near-death experience after attempting suicide. Their stories have painted such an unpleasant & horrible experience that they helped to convince me to stay put and fight these T & H bullies while I am alive. I humanize them as my worst bullies in life and I refuse to kneel and bow to their supremacy.

I used the approach that, if I can just find examples of people who have survived severe T (and H too in my case), then I know it is survivable, and I would use their attitude, strategies, philosophies or whatever they rely on to help me soldier on with T & H. Additionally, I used examples of people surviving the tortures of Gulag to help motivate my fighting spirit. I searched internet with people dealing with acute chronic pain to see how they cope (there I found the late Darlene Cohen who survives her pain from young 20 until she passed recently with cancer near 70). I learned from her the concept of "Finding Joy Amid the Pain" and I emulate her approach to my suffering with T.

Ultimately, I searched for people with loud and unmaskable T to see how they can survive this ordeal. Well some people with deafness are known to have unmaskable T. One lady actually was in the same area I live. Through our conversation, she had survived 12 years of unmaskable T due to partial deafness, been to ER a few times, lost her marriage, on Klonopin for this long too to cope, but she has survived her T and now moving on.

Another lady, a young and attractive Zoe Cartwright who became totally deaf at young 15 and then developed ^%$#* loud, unmaskable T. She shows me how positivity and acceptance of her T reality has helped her lived a normal life. She even says she loves her life. She made a short tinnitus film posted on youtube and you can witness her courage and undaunted spirit. I posted her story on page 14 & 15 of the Positivity Thread. You can check that out if you like.

Back then I thought I never would live a happy life again. But I am doing it now even with my T blasting away and resonating in my head most morning. I just said 'screw it Mr. T' and move on the day enjoying my life. I couldn't do that before, but now the brain is hardened to this loud high pitched scream which I could hear it above the jet noise in flights, and above the raging roaring rapids of the salmon river I fish. I wrote my success story and for brevity I provide the link and you can read when you have time. You should read up the success story of a member after going through the trial phase of Autifony. I also include the link for Jade's story how she has triumphed over her loud T which can be heard above the noise of the 800-ton truck she drives. I also include the most read success story by IWLM who finds silence after 40 years of T. Hopefully you find motivation to hang on there and live your life regardless of T. Take good care and God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

Success story of Autifony in trial phase:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...he-autifony-quiet-1-study-great-results.9743/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/6-months-tinnitus-still-going-strong-but-so-am-i.3226/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/

 

Thanks Sailboardman and billie48. Can't tell you how much this has helped me....knowing that otheres are going through the same thing. Nice to hear that Autifony are having pleasing results. Let's hope then. I

 

loose that, we have lost. Thanks a lot and God bless you guys

 

@Cymro41 hey Cymro Please man hang in there it's extremely difficult but what you need to hang on to is the hope that there will be a cure. Just think how gratifying that day will be knowing that you made it and had the strength to hang in there. I'm sitting here typing this with tears in my eyes my T today for some reason is load as hell and I have to go see my family and pretend that I'm fine when on the inside I'm a true wreak ....I know one thing I'll suffer till the day God takes me before I did something that my family would have to carry the rest of their lives. So please hang in there keep texting were here for you.

God bless
Carlos

 

Thanks for the kind words Carlos. Just gone 10pm here in UK. Going to have an early night. Had two beers only tonight no benzos. See if I can beat this thing. Cheers mate.

 

I have been trying to adjust to this for four months now. It seems like it has been this way for years. I figured out the frequency of my T over the weekend and used an app to play it for my wife. She started crying almost immediately. Even with her compassion and the support of family, I don't know how I would have made it through the first few weeks without this forum. I mostly just read, but knowing I am not alone has made a huge difference.

 

Absolutely. Knowing you're not alone is huge! Had a better night last night. T does not seem quite so severe but it's still noticeable. I take ear plugs with me everywhere these days as you never know when you'll be exposed to high noise levels

 

Thank you Erik. Much appreciated words. Happy Friday to you.

 

Hi Cymro 41 . You will have good days and bad days that is what tinnitus does to you. There's days when you think I can't take this any more. Then you will have good days. It comes to us all unfortunately, so you are not alone. It's how we deal with it. I keep my mind occupied and try not to think about my tinnitus. This will be my third year with tinnitus, some have had it a lot longer then me and they manage and I'm sure you will to. Stay strong my friend you are not alone.

 

Thanks Richard. I've had T for about 8 years. Habituation is a strange thing. You think you're there and it all goes pear shaped. Trying hard not to OD on beer but it's difficult.

 

Hold on man. I'm living with since 1998. Sometimes it can be hard. My T can be heard above all noise, and if anyone knows the noise that a ultrasound bath does it's more or less the sound I have Inside my head. It also increase with sound, so the rumbling of traffic or going to a maul can be painful. I never took any stuff and try to live free of drugs. It's hard, but from time to time I have 2 or 3 good days. That's what gives me hope someday someone will find a way to heal us. Until then we have to live with it.

 

Cy, no you're definitely not alone, just look anywhere on this site. Some have it worse than you, some better. What keeps me going is focusing. I started to notice when I was wathcing a TV program, engaged in a good conversation, working on something I did not notice T, but while watching TV as soon as it went to a commercial there it is. Not much point in ending it, we will all be gone sooner or later, hate to see you off yourself and the following week there is a cure, or worse yet it would have just gone away.

If benzo's, boose or whatever makes it easier I do not have a problem with it. Better than the alternative. For me if it work/helps I am going to do it...

 

Nice to hear from you. T is more noticable this am. Had a fairly good day yesterday but back big time now. Keep strong you too Gary. Best wishes.

 

man we are all here for you there is hope, i have a friend which i didn't know was in the military he has had bad T due to trauma, there was an explosion near him, he has lived with bad T for 10+ years, he says he is so used to it by now he doesn't even notices the sound, not to mention we are 2/3 years way from a drug and this is a growing problem in which much more research is being done, so hang in there and once again remember we are here for you.

 

Thanks svg. That has lifted me. Thanks friend.
Very best,
Cy.

 

hey cym i sent you a private message with my number in case you wanna talk sometime, or text me if i dont answer right away is because im at work.

 

Yes, there will be good & bad days, just remember when you have a bad day, a good day is right around the corner...

 

Thanks svg. Appreciate that a lot. Many thank.

Cy

 

no problem, anytime send a text or call me same goes for anyone else, there is always hope and we know there are drugs and surgery coming in the next 2 to 3 years for this, so just hang in there.

 

Oh man that's good to hear!

Cy

 

What I used to do with physical pain was to see what it was that felt it or experienced it. If I could see what was being affected I knew it wasnt me and I was able to lessen the impact. If I identified with the impression that it hurt me or it was my pain, it intensified it. So I identified it only as a sensation.
With tinnitus, I am using the same technique. I would like to add that initially it was more debilitating than any physical pain I had experienced. However, identification as it being my tinnitus, it is happening to me, or has in anyway anything to with me is slowly falling away.
Regarding suicidal thoughts, yep, I had a couple. BUT, it is the very thing that is affected by the tinnitus that wants to kill itself, and it just so happens that it aent me. I dont know if this helps, but if, I guess, at the end of the day I just lose interest in it, it will do its own thing and what I truly am will continue to enjoy life
r

 

Apreciated. The high pitch seems to getting louder these. The anti depressants I think are just about keeping me sane.

 

Hi all,
Been away for a while. How are you all feeling with this wretched "T". Mine last weeken very bad but had not taken my antidepressants cos I OD'd with last month's prescription.....used em up too fast

Thinking of y'all. Stay strong.

Cy
PS: I'll never touch an electric guitar again.!!!

 

@Cymro41 glad to here from you. You go easy on those antidepressants , I'll stay strong only if you stay strong

 

Glad you are back posting @Cymro41 an update. Hang in there. Stay strong and positive. Time is on your side. Ya, be careful of OD on drugs. Perhaps try to some physical activity such as getting outdoor or getting back to your old hobbies or explore new ones to stimulate the brain instead of depending on AD to cheer you up. I find my fishing and gardening very healing without the need for meds. Try camping, hiking, jogging etc, whatever interest you.

 

Thanks guys. Pickin on my acoustic guitar now. Chase em sounds away!!

Cy.