Please Help, I Don't See a Way Out of My Situation

Hello. I'm a 22 y.o. male struggling with tinnitus.

It all started about 3 months ago. Prior to this, for as long as i remember, i've been struggling with some sort of a depressive/anxiety disorder, although it was never officially diagnosed, because mental disorders are heavily stigmatized in the country i live in. I had been having occasional onsets of depressive thoughts that would make me endure a few tough days, as well as a few sleepless nights.

My tinnitus began like this: it was late at night, i was lying on the bed in silence trying to fall asleep, when all the sudden the sound emerged out of nothing into my left ear. I thought for a second, that one of the electronic devices i have in my room started making the noise. But a few seconds later i realised, that the noise is actually in my head. I was horrified, i've had a breakdown. For the next two nights i could not fall asleep, panicking. My mother had to drive me to a doctor, who administrated me an injection of some sleeping drug, the only thing that could make me fall asleep.

I've made MRI scans and went to a couple of ENTs and neurologists, they just shrugged and told me that the MRI is clean and there could have been many reasons why did the sound appear. They said there is not much that can be done and adviced me to get a radio and use it on low volume when i try to fall asleep. I was devastated.
During the next month, the tinnitus would drive me to tears almost every day. I felt trapped in my own body, forced to be with the sound, unable to escape it. I wanted out. The noise took away my ability to relax, made me constantly flee the silence. There was no more rest for me.

I used to be one of the top students of my university class, but now i can barely keep up with the minimum requirements as i am unable to concentrate because of the noise in my ear. I was going to be a programmer, but it seems like i won't be able to do that, because programming requires sitting in silence and solving tasks.

A few weeks later life delivered another major hit: my beloved father, one of the only few people who cares about me, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Upon finding out about it, i've had another breakdown. I feel like at that point, something broke inside me. Ever since that moment, i've had a strange feeling, like i'm dreaming. It's hard to explain. I feel like my contact with reality is reduced. I've lost my sense of time, my memory is acting strangely - i often forget to finish things that i do. Sometimes I have to make conscious effort to figure out how do i feel. For example, i don't feel much difference if i have been sleping for 3 or 9 hours, so i have to check the clock to see if i should get more sleep. I just feel equally sluggish and exhausted in both cases. I don't panic as much anymore, but i don't really feel many other emotions for that matter, i just feel numb.
I'm not sure if tinnitus is the cause of such symptoms, but i'm certain that tinnitus is what prohibits me from escaping from this strange realm, because unlike everything else, tinnitus feels as real as it used to feel during the first days.
To cope with my former depressive episodes, for many years i had been trying to convince myself that eventually there will be something in my life that will make me happy. But all the results of my efforts were crushed the moment tinnitus started. All the things that i was relying on to make me happy are now rendered useless.

So, this is my life right now. I drive my father to different medical establishments, using all my self-control to act as if there is hope for him, witnessing him getting worse with each month. Of course, i do as much as i can to help my mother support him. When i'm by myself, tinnitus absorbs me completely. It does not let me study, it does not let me work, it does not let me rest. I can mask it with music, but just walking to turn on the speakers seems like a strangely difficult task.
I've been to a therapist and he prescribed me some pills that were supposed to make me feel a bit better. Unfortunately i would not be allowed to drive if i had taken those pills, so there would be nobody to drive my father, which meant i couldn't take those pills.

Even though i know there is only one proven method to stop hearing the noise, i've promised myself to not do anything bad with myself while my father is still alive, because it would make his final months even more horrible, and i don't want him to experience that.

I'm not sure why am i posting this. I guess i just hope i'm prone to "tunnel vision" and therefore unable to see a way out. If somebody can see an option i'm missing, please post it.. I really want to find a good way out of this.

 

Hi @Mustonen
I read the whole of your story. I am sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time with tinnitus and the ill health of your father. I commend you for the support that you are giving both your parents in through this difficult time an trying to cope with your troubles.

If I may ask: prior to the onset of your tinnitus, did you regularly listen to music through headphones or attend places where loud music is played? Clubs, concerts etc? These are venues and headphone use is the most common cause of tinnitus. If you listen to music through headphones then I advise you to stop even if the volume is kept low. If you are able to see a Hearing Therapist or Audilogist who's trained in the management and treatment of tinnitus, I feel this will be helpful to you. Please click on the link below and read my article titled: Tinnitus, A Personal View. Try to read it in full and not skim through it.

I hope things improve for you.
All the best
Michael

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-a-personal-view.18668/

 

Hello, im Natalie and you are not alone. Im a 22yr old female also with anxiety and depression. The feeling that youre describing seems to me like depersonalization, search it up. Its very common so you shouldn't worry so much about that, but thats hard to do right? Im extremely sorry for your father and it seems like a dark road, but believe you will get better. I am certainly on antidepressants, and they honestly are helping alot with the depression and the anxiety. Helping me to care less about the tinnitus but thats another story. When you are ready i'd like to speak to you about certain anxiety techniques that have I have learned from a great doctor thats been very helpful to me and work for the most part. I've been where you are, my grandmother had cancer of the colon and was getting worse. You can only imagine how devastated I was but my mother took it very hard, and she too suffered depression at one point. But now shes in a better place. You'll get through it, believe me. You have to remember its your reaction to the tinnitus thats the problem. The feelings you feel torwards it. I recommend you write down how you feel torwards it on paper, then challenge it. Also take one day at a time. One day at a time, youll start to notice good days you have, and then more good days, and then more, and then you nearly forgot about the tinnitus, but then you didnt cause you remembered, and then you forget again, and then you just overall stop caring, but its a process we go through. Just spend time with your father for now.

also, dont worry so much about the school work. Youll get back to that and make it up, focus on you right now.

Take care. Youll be okay. Promise.

 

Hi,Mustone!I just celebrated my 22nd birthday and I am also studying in college.
I'm really sorry to hear the difficulties you are dealing with(a big big hug).
My tinnitus starts suddenly at a peaceful midnight.I have went to dozens of ENTs,but no one could help me.I just sat in my room
and cried every day,living my life like a zombie.Things got a little bit better till I took some anti-anxiety medicines.My T reduced and my mind became stronger.
I think anti anxiety medicines do have some good effects on T which is caused by shortage of 5-ht?
But I heard that some kind of anti anxiety medicines like SSRI have side effects which can cause T.
If you want to someone to comfort you/talk with,talk with me.
And please give yourself some time to relax.
"You cannot tell from appearances how things go"
Best wishes

 

There is still a chance that your tinnitus will improve, or that you will habituate. I hope you will wait at least two years, before considering that reliable way to end the sound.

I had similar experiences to you - my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 15 (passed away 5 years later). The horror I experienced when T began was also very similar to the horror you are describing. It is too bad you have to experience everything at the same time.

Consider taking a semester or a year off from university. Hopefully in a year you will either habituate or get better, allowing you to do your best at university again.

 

Thanks everyone for your messages. I've been feeling really isolated because whomever i talked to about the condition reacted surprised, as they were unaware that such thing exists. I felt myself flawed. It's good to know there are other people with the same problem.

Yes, music has been a big part of my life for a long time. I've been wearing headphones regularly for more than a decade, and in last few years attended many loud concerts. I wish i knew beforehand that such thing as tinnitus exists. I always thought that hearing loss means that you stop hearing sounds, not that you start hearing non-existent ones. If i knew that, i would always wear ear protection to concerts.
After the onset of tinnitus, i reduced the volume of my headphones. I will follow your advice and stop using them completely, however i can't imagine stopping listening to music entirely. I hope speakers on a moderate level are still ok.
But i'm still not certain if loud music is what caused the tinnitus. For instance, i can make the tinnitus louder if i press my jaws against each other. Also, they day i've got the tinnitus i've had other symptoms similar to common cold, which might indicate a different cause. Also, i have scoliosis and osteochondrosis, i don't sure if it might be related. I don't know.

I've got myself an appointment to an audiologist for the 28th of June. Not really soon, but with my loss of sense of time it does not really matter.

Thank you for the article, i've read it and got some good information out of it. I looked up TRT, but it seems like it's unavailable in my country, but i might try to find someone who practices CBT.
From the article i've got the feeling that since the onset of tinnitus your life has been centered around it. Is it correct, or other aspects of your life are just not mentioned?
If it's correct, was it by choise or it was the only option?
That's what bothers me, i don't want my life to be centered around tinnitus, i want to bring back the joy of doing things i used to enjoy to do. Did you manage to achieve that?

Thanks for your tip, now i know what to tell my therapist if i decide to get another appointment.
Also, i'm really sorry about your grandmother. I have never before dealt with death of a loved one, so i can't even imagine how bad that was.

That would be great! How can i contact you?

Throughout the 3 months i've actually had a few days when i spent only like 20-30% of the time thinking about tinnitus (unlike most days when it bothers me 85-90% of the time). Those were usually the days when i was doing something really distracting, like travelling or giving a demonstration at my university.
The problem is that the "depersonalization" i described earlier does not allow me to enjoy the "good" part of the "good day". It's just a day that is not as torturous as all the other ones.

Hmm if i make another apointment to a therapist, how do i know if a medication he prescribes will not make my tinnitus worse? Are there ways to find out?

Well, the doctor said my dad has up to a year left, at best. Until then i won't be doing anything bad, that's for sure. Maybe by then i will have become somewhat habituated.
Also, please accept my condolence regarding the loss of your father. I wish you strength in coping with it.

University is one of a few things that can distract me from the noise. I would have nothing else going on in my life if i left. Also, in my country if you're not attending a university you're obligated to be drafted into army, which would be devastading for my already poor health.

To everyone, thank you for your support. I'm still not sure how to get out of this situation, but at least i don't feel as isolated anymore.

 

Hey i just posted about my techniques i used for anxiety. And btw, depersonalization/derealiziation are common symptoms of high anxiety. Which is what you're feeling. Your anxiety is in overdrive right now. It will be brought back down.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...om-anxiety-tinnitus-associated-anxiety.22257/

 

@Mustonen It is late here so I'm signing off. I just want to say that I believe headphones has caused your tinnitus, due to prolonged use and probably too loud too. Headphones caused my tinnitus. I advise you to never use them again even at low volume. However, you can listen to music through speakers at moderate level. I think it is too early for you to start TRT or CBT as I've explained in my article. Leave it for about 6 months if you can. Your tinnitus is likely to improve and probably might go away. Use a sound machine at night as I've said in my article. Try not to sleep in a quiet room. If you are stressed, try and get something from your Dr to help you relax. Give it time things will improve.

If you have any more questions please ask and I'll try to answer them later
Bye for now
Michael

 

@Mustonen Try and get a referral to a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist that is trained in tinnitus counselling.
Michael

 

When a person's tinnitus is intrusive and variable in intensity as in my case: silent, mild, moderate and severe. Whether one likes it or not it does affect the quality of their life. I was medically retired from my job many years ago because of it. I am able to enjoy an active life and count myself fortunate but choose to only talk about tinnitus here. Many years ago when I first got tinnitus, I was helped by more experienced people with the condition. It is now my time to try and help others if possible.
Michael

 

@Mustonen I agree with @Michael Leigh , listening to music through headphones and live music at concerts might have been the cause of your T. I developed mine after metal gig 2 years ago, my T was devastating and loud at the beginning for the first 6-8months, then it went down to my current level which is usually mild. You still have a big chance that your T will go down with volume or even diminish complately. For me it's now managable even if in the beginning I felt exactly the way you feel about yourself. Life is not the same as prior to T, but I again started doing things that are enjojyble and actually I started enjoying things again like swimming, cooking, theater/cinema, riding a bike and motorbike, reading etc. I was always prone to anxiety in stressfull situations in life ie. work, so I had to adjust my life so that I have as little stress as possible, this included chaging the position at work to less stressful in order not to feed my anxiety. In my case the only way to manage the T is to try to get distracted by as many activities in life as possible, I also avoid silence and use sound enrichment almost 24/7, either by nature sounds, wearable in-ear maskers or music/radio. Now in terms of activities in life I do more or less the same things I was doing prior to T, except for attending live concerts, which I don't miss that much to be honest. Life is not the same but it can be good at times. I still experience some T related anxiety from time to time, but I also manage to relax listening to music or nature sounds. And taking "one day at a time" or even "one moment at a time" technique works for me. Don't think too much about the future with T and the past without T, only present is what matters. I focus on managing my emotional reaction to T in the current moment/current day. Ie. I hear it but I'm ok with it and I continue doing what I am doing. In time it becomes a habit of emotions self management. I is difficult to accept, but we have to adjust and accept it everyday. Eating healthy and excersizing also usually helps for me overall well being. Stay strong, you can overcome this as many people do. The most important is to find motivation in yourself to stand - up from bed in the morning and do productive things during the day each day. Stay strong!

 

I'm sorry to hear your story but I hope you see some light here. Stress is really difficult to cope with when you have the sound especially in your case. I have it for 11 weeks now and after a major setback I am now anxiety free (for 3 days now so I got to keep it that way). But still that doesn't mean I don't hear the music playing because I do. But now I'm more irritaded instead of stressed.

Seeking distractions is good but unfortunately you have to confront the sound for the time being. Writing down how I felt with pen and paper got a lot of canned frustration out of my system while meditating before bed gets me drowsy enough. The four step breathing technique (breath in slowly, hold, breath out even slower, hold and repeat) can get your heartrate back to normal and it got me out of a panic attack in under 3 minutes which was quite the accomplishment. Key is that you focus on your breathing, heartbeat and checking if your muscles aren't flexing and don't think ahead or about anything.

 

Thank you everyone, i really appreciate each bit of your support.

Ok, i'll wait for a bit longer. However i think i should seek professional help for the general anxiety. The feeling of unreality just won't let me go.

Thank you for making this choise. People like you make this world a better place.

I've got an appointment for 28-29th of June. I hope it's just tinnitus and nothing else.

Yeah, those are fun. I'm still hesitant if i want to attend it ever again even with proper ear protection.

The problem is i had been barely able to enjoy anything for quite a while even before tinnitus started. Now i just do "fun" things just because i think i'm supposed to have some "fun" in my life, not because i actually enjoy it. These are mere distractions. That's the problem with finding motivations - why put effort into anything if all i get in reward is a mere semi-distraction from the way i actually feel.
I guess that's something for my therapist to figure out because i remember being able to genuinely have fun back in the day.

3 days is the longest streak i managed to go anxiety-free. Usually it's just 1-2 bright days with weeks of darkness in between.

Thank you for this technique, i'll try doing this.

Thanks again to everyone for the support. I guess what i can do now is to implement some of advice you've given. I will post in this thread again after i go to the audiologist.

 

I fully agree with you @Mustonen. Get some professional help for your general anxiety then you'll be in a better place mentally, to start treatment such as: TRT or CBT. You may well find that you will habituate and won't need these treatments.
Best of luck
Michael

 

Hello Tinnitustalk, i'm back.
I went to an Audiologist and had the audiometry. Turns out my hearing is ok. However, i seem to have developed rhinitis, and i also have arthritis of my left temporomandibular joint. That's all i know for now.

I haven't been paying much attention to my tinnitus lately. I've been busy supporting my dad in his fight with cancer. It's been taking increasingly more and more time.
All of out efforts were to no avail, unfortunately. He passed away about a week ago. And so there's nothing more i can do to help him.

So now for most of the time i just sit with my head empty. Emotionally i feel.. nothing? I don't know how to describe the feeling. It's as if i'm incapable of emotions. With very few thoughts in my head, there's plenty of room for my tinnitus to roar. To remind me of the existence of my physical body that i feel detached from.

Sometimes there are short bursts of emotions. Like when memories of my dad's final days pop up in my head. His moans, his face, his final breaths. Me closing his eyes and crossing his arms on his chest. My futility.
It makes me want to punch walls. The physical pain from doing this somewhat distracts me from these memories.

Sometimes a happy childhood memory (which there are plenty of) related to my dad pops up in my head. These just make me break down in tears as i realize what a wonderful person my father was and that i'll no longer be able to be with him.

But both these types of episodes are not very common. Most of the time it's just me, the emptiness in my head, and the roar of my tinnitus. I'm not even sure how did i manage to make up my mind to type this message.

 

@Mustonen , I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. So much has already been said by others that there is little I can add, but as a life-long suffer of tinnitus, and one who started coding in 1975 as a child, and spent 20 years doing so professionally (moved to IT security 10 years ago) it can be done, even with the constant ringing. You do not need silence (in fact, sometimes fast music can help the thought process), just the ability to break the problems down into small enough components that can be translated directly into code, but you know that already. The key things here is that you can code, and code well, even with the constant ringing. It will take a little more effort, but if you are a good coder, and enjoy doing it, don't let tinnitus keep you from doing something you enjoy. Especially if you can make a career of it. There is a saying "If you love what you do, you never work a day in your life." Those are the best jobs, and if you love to code (something I fully understand) then don't let tinnitus keep you from it.

 

I am sorry you had to live through all of that horror.

There is hope that once your stress level subsides, your tinnitus will begin to improve. I hope you will give yourself at least a year or two, before doing anything drastic...