So I've Completely Gone Insane. What Can I Do?

Yea, now that I think of it I had noticed flashing squiggly lines before but that was a rare occurrence and I thing it was something like an ocular migraine. This tinnitus has floored me, though. I have a couple other things that are invisible to most and really mess with my quality of life, but I don't really like to get into them here. Seems like some of us were just born to suffer.

 

I am still locked in suicidal depression. I need to find something that provides real relief.

Did Trobalt have any positive effect for you? Do you have hearing loss?

 

have you been checked for lyme?

 

So, why not put all this energy into cultivating a different belief set? It doesn't even have to be that irrational.

Aleister Crowley was kind of an asshat in a lot of regards, but his views on consciously redefining reality in order to maximize life's pleasures makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Yes that was me I am 100% floater free. And I had it very bad in both eyes....

 

I get a lot of questions regarding my surgery so here is my diary ....sort of ...that I kept :

http://floatertalk.yuku.com/topic/949/I-had-FOV-Jan-27-in-LEUVEN-by-Dr-Stalmans?page=1

 

I' agree with ALUE ,I hate this shit to , my is so loud, 2 metalic jets engine in my ears and very high power transformer in my head 24/7 and for dessert hyperacusia and reactive, I have to kids my only reason I'm still awake and working in very laugh please I have to keep going, is a shame 2016 nothing to relief this shit condition.

 

Hey, how are things now? You probably know this but just in case there is this video Youtube where a doctor uses a laser to get rid of eye floaters:

Treating EYE FLOATERS with a YAG laser

I wanted to ask you, what medicine have you tried for depression?

 

Aight, first off, things are extremely bad. If you were a psychiatrist, you'd rank my depression as "extreme" and label me "treatment resistant." This is because my depression isn't a "major depressive disorder," which is a depression brought on by seemingly nothing. This is a true mental illness, it is a disorder of the brain that comes on by itself, with no preceding stimuli.

My depression is an adjustment disorder (situational depression, or, depression brought on by life circumstances, health problems, and life events.) I've tried about every medicine under the sun for depression, including unconventional ones: I started with citalopram, then progressed to prozac, then to citalopram again, then to effexor, then to adderall, then to propanolol, then to wellbutrin, then to some antipsychotic I don't remember, then to some Benzo I don't remember, then to another SSRI I don't remember. Literally none of them helped me at all... matter of fact, they left me feeling more spaced-out and damaged than before, in the long run. I've probably tried more medications than I've actually listed. Each medication was taken for a long time - in excess of a month.

Regarding the floaters, I do know that some of them can be fixed with a laser. The floater that bothers me, however, is butt-clenchingly close to my retina in the left eye - so close that any laser shot at it would essentially shoot my retina and burn it. The floater is basically a part of my retina. Take a look at this OCT scan - the crater-like structure in the middle is my macula, which is responsible for all of my central vision. The dark shape on the ridge of the macula is the floater that bothers me. Anytime I move my eye up or to the right, I am blinded by a dark brown glob of strings spraying into my vision.



Read this post I made on laser therapy to fully understand why it won't work for people like me:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/retigabine-trobalt-potiga-—-general-discussion.5074/page-257#post-188530

 

Hi, I read your post and want you to know I have been through almost exactly what you have been through. I am going to be honest and tell you the only thing that kept me alive through it all. Faith, love and hope. My God carried me when the doctors, psychiatrists and meds did little to end my suffering. I am 26 and for more than a dozen years my life has been loss after loss, blow after blow all the while my body continues to deteriorate. I got tinnitus around 20 and hyperacusis 3 years after that. I have arthritis in both my hands and am in pain every day. The emotional trauma of broken relationships is not any better. How do I have hope? It isn't just faith but the realization there is always hope. I don't know how. Right now I too am alone. I have one friend I barely see and just lost yet another group of friends for the second time in two years on top of losing my girlfriend almost 2 years ago which I still have not fully recovered from. No one else can give you the will to go on but God. Everyone who has ever tried to help me has failed but I know I am alive for a reason. I am here to help others like you. You are not alone and I promise that there can be healing. You have looked everywhere for hope and only disappointment has resulted. I can imagine you may even blame God. It's okay. None of this is your fault my friend. Things can get better, just know that you need help. I may not know you personally but your story breaks my heart. It reminds me of me at your age. I may only be a little older than you but trust me your stronger than you think. God loves you and your family loves you. If you read this I hope it inspires you and if you ever need anything at all, contact me. Message me on here and we can find a way through this together.

 

Henry, love your spirit, have u joined a church group, think it would help u immensely, u would find friends and maybe even a new girlfriend...

 

I am so sorry to hear about your suffering. I hope they find a cure for some of these things asap. I know earlier this week, some of us were discussing a medicine called Riluzole. I heard it can be used for treatment resistant depression. It is not an SSRI. It is not promoted by psychiatrists to cure depression that I know of, but you might want to look into it and if you think it is worth a try you ask one about it. I hope you really start to get better. I really am sorry to hear that you are having this happening to you.

 

@Vaba have tried CBT through a very experienced psychologist?
Your "situational depression" is a result of your thoughts, meds would only take the edge off. They aren't changing your thoughts. As you previously said reframing your thoughts was something you didn't want to have to do...however it may help some. Don't get me wrong, why should we have to go through this reframing crap when we are depressed for a reason, our health. Without our health failing we would not be depressed. I know it sucks, however try and make CBT part of your toolkit. I am yet to find a toolkit personally, working on one...

 

Why can't "situational" depression be a result of the situation you are in? And now if the situation is chronic you must have an "adjustment disorder" because you are just supposed to adjust to your shitty situation. This is directed at Vaba, it's just something I never understood the reasoning behind.

 

@Alue What I meant is the depression has arisen because of the situation he's in, just like mine. Wouldn't feel like this if it weren't for this condition, was happy before.
Merely suggesting that meds take the edge off, don't deal with the root cause of the depression, i.e the physical condition we are experiencing. Next best thing CBT. Wouldn't be suggesting for a second one is not adjusting, that is what the medical profession would probably throw back at the sufferer, which is wrong. I am finding it very hard to adjust too even with CBT but it's a crutch while hopefully this plasticity quality kicks in...
Am hoping time will help us all, that's all I can think of.

 

We can't think ourselves out of this, just like u can't think yourself out of chronic pain, u can though think it may not be that bad forever etc.

 

Oops I meant to say this isn't directed at Vaba. I hate that you cannot edit your posts here.

 

@JasonP @Alue @Candy

I can no longer trust drugs because of the solely destructive effect they've all had upon me. Psych drugs simply mask problems and do not resolve them. I have no doubt that, in 100 years from the present date, humanity will look back upon medical history and deem psychiatry as the ultimate medical injustice ever inflicted upon human beings - subjecting people to relatively untested drugs for long periods of time is inhuman and unethical. People like me are the end result. Dozens of people on this very forum have developed tinnitus when they tried to withdraw from Benzos alone. These psychiatric drugs encourage addiction, and punish you when you try to withdraw from them.

I have never had any success with any kind of counselor-based therapy because all forms of therapy I have tried essentially boil down to acceptance-based Buddhist crap. "Let go of desire - accept your situation - pain is based in attachment."

Yeah, if everyone were able to just let agonizing physical impairments pass by, the world wouldn't have any problems at all. Depression would barely even exist. For instance, if no one cared about dying from cancer, there would be no need to cure cancer. Ergo, if the medical profession continues to accept tinnitus as normal and non-threatening (as every doctor I have ever met has), nothing will ever change.

If nobody responded emotionally to anything painful, then what's the problem? Depression and anxiety are natural responses to stressful stimuli. It is a new (<70 year old) idea that these emotions are separate disorders than the problems that cause them. Almost nobody without a brain defect will be depressed without a real reason. I sure as hell wasn't until my health took a turn to the south.

Additionally, coping-based approaches will never work for people like me, for we are incapable of comprehending type-B thought processes. They are alien to people like me. I was born to be a problem solver, just like my father, a successful computer scientist - I am a Type AAA, subtype A personality. This can never be changed. It is genetically programmed. No amount of therapy or willpower will re-wire my genetically inherited brain. The reality I have come to realize after 10 years of failed drug and counselor-based therapy is that I can't relax with any kind of distraction present. The tiniest noise, movement, or distraction disturbs me to the point of rage - just like my father.

Before developing tinnitus and floaters, I was in a perpetual, spacey, Zen state. I was gentle, relaxed, and highly successful in school. I loved keeping high-maintenance reptiles as pets, and I put a lot of effort into developing myself as a person. I read constantly and enjoyed life. The very instant my hearing and sight started to fail me was when I lost my sanity and started taking drugs and going to therapy. I became withdrawn and angry. I have been this way for nearly a decade now. I would trade these sensory problems for almost any other non-neurological disease, with a few exceptions.

 

OR TRY TINNITUS TERMINATOR... IT'S GUARANDAMNTEED MIND YOU!!!

 

Oh wow, no wonder people think I'm fucked in the head when I talk about tinnitus.

 

I believe there is no personality gene, our brain is a product of upbringing and experiences so in theory we stand the same chances of a non problem solver type, it's just a path less trodden.

@Alue @Telis what do u suggest Vaba does?

 

I'm just gonna throw these cursed words around here...
Retigabibe, flupertine.
I know that you you have eye floaters and there is a possibility that they become more mean but what the hell. Maybe one in a million.

 

there isn't a human alive who's not in an unwinnable battle against the deterioration of their body. Some people get a more raw deal than others, but everyone dies alone and mostly in pain, everyone is aware of it on some level, and to some extent "happiness" is just the calculus of how you react to and integrate that knowledge into your day to day existence.

psych labels for all these things are, IMO, mostly bullshit.

 

If it weren't for the history of eye floaters I would suggest trying retagabine, but with his eye issues, that doesn't seem like a good idea. Going by the pharmacology, I honestly think flupirtine is even more dangerous than retagabine because of the hepatoxicity.

 

True, but timing is important.
As a kid, ignorance is bliss: you don't even worry about death at all. It's a concept that doesn't really dawn on you.
As you grow older, in your 20s-30s, you understand better what it means, but you think dying and sickness is something for the elderly, so it's not in the forefront of your consciousness and doesn't get in the way of your happiness.
Then you grow older and your body starts failing here and there, and you know what's going to happen. It's not any better, but you are somewhat expecting it: it's what time does to your body, and you've lived long enough that you know you can't escape it and it is what it is.

What is shocking is when things don't happen "this normally": getting a disabling condition when you are young, etc. That part screws with your psyche greatly because it's unexpected, but also because you now picture yourself trying to "live" for the rest of your life with it, and that is scary. You wonder about all the things you are likely to miss enjoying because, well, who knows when a cure will be there to save you, and how many years you will have left to "enjoy life" by then. Will a cure be ready when I'm 70? Great!

So yes, we're all going to have to deal with it as human beings. Nobody gets a free pass. But the kinds of things we have to deal with and the timing of it makes a huge difference.

 

It was watching a youtube video on laser treatment of floaters that brought them back into my consciousness after 30 years of not seeing them. The internet can be a dangerous thing. The brain can blank stuff out like floaters and tinnitus but if we keep reminding our mind that we have them through forums and message boards it makes this much more difficult. There is too much information about now for our own good.

 

@Candy @GregCA

I am ignorant of nothing. I appreciate your sentiment, but the very instant I developed my first floater (the giant brown problematic one), my previously mild depression (initially caused by simple bullying) instantly increased to unbearable levels. I am one of the most observant people you will ever meet. Nothing gets past me, my perception of the environment surrounding me is needle-sharp; which makes auditory and visual disabilities several thousand times worse to deal with - I have always loved and valued my five senses deeply.

My audiological tests return results well within normal ranges (the highest loss I exhibit is a 20dB conductive loss at 2kHz, and the highest SNHL I have is 10-15dB, which varies greatly between 4kHz in my left and 6kHz in my right ear) and, despite my horrific floaters (I have over 50, my 65 year old equally shortsighted grandfather has just one), my retinas are healthy.

Before drawing conclusions about noise damage in my ears, like literally everyone does, consider that my auditory results are extremely weird. According to 3 audiologists, a neorotologist, and 2 ENTs, my multiple audiograms, OCTs, and ABRs do not exhibit any obvious hearing damage that should result in tinnitus.

The only conclusion that health professionals can make is that I got unlucky. Life rolled the dice for my eyesight and hearing and rolled poorly for both. I have vitreous and hearing degeneration without having any underlying disease or major noise exposure. My sight and hearing have been gradually abandoning me since I was just an adolescent, basically.

So, habituation of any kind is off the table. I am very sensitive and 100% in tune with my body, so I will never not notice any pain it experiences. and my depression is 100% objective - based on real experiences and not imaginary problems, and thus is not treatable with medication or therapy. I cannot habituate because I have a reference point - In May, 2009, I was 100% healthy - perfect hearing and sight. In June, 2009, I was sick - and since then, I have been deteriorating.

@Candy

Sickeningly, my two options, according to every therapist I have ever seen and everyone on this forum and many others are:

A. Accept being in an insane amount of pain and pretend to enjoy life to satisfy my family until I die (Habituate, through drugs and therapy that numb my mind and make me stupid)
B. Die right now through suicide and cut out an additional 60+ years of suffering and hopeless deterioration (they don't say this, but this is really the only option)

Every resource available to me, be it the dozen doctors I have seen, or information gleaned by simple online searching, has explained to me that both tinnitus and vitreous degeneration (the main cause of severe eye floaters) are only common in people over the age of 60. I GOT THEM BOTH SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING WHEN I WAS 15. I didn't even get to enjoy my adolescence before my senses started to fail me.

 

@Vaba

Sorry about your pain.

Please consider option C. Accept being in an insane amount of pain and pretend to enjoy life to satisfy your family and give yourself a chance, until in a few years time we have better treatments for both your conditions (there is progress being made) and your subconscious brain gets used to the tinnitus (at least) in the process, even though it seems impossible now. That's what I'm doing (with the tinnitus).

However, we all need to do more shouting, more advocacy to keep the momentum. Keep on saying this - need some backing, let's get science to focus on this rather than sending people into space and maybe 5 years time we'll be getting some relief. The average person has no understanding of this thing, that's how low its profile is.

 

So you keep saying, but A does not imply B. You've got an extremely stubborn belief that you're completely screwed, but beliefs can be (and usually are, honestly) completely wrong in some critical way.

Oh, bullshit. I'm skeptical that any "therapist" you've seen has said this, but if so please fire them and find someone decent. People on this forum suggest other options to you all the time and you contradict or ignore them.

I think some part of you must be having some deep need met, by believing that you're broken and that suicide is your best option -- because despite claiming to be "very rational", you cling to that belief desperately, and you introduce glaringly obvious cognitive distortions into everything you write. (Just in the post I'm replying to here, we have: filtering, polarized thinking, catastrophizing, control fallacies, fallacy of fairness....)

Tinnitus sucks, dude. So do visual problems. We get it.

You've got to do something to help yourself, because as broken as your body may be, your thinking is a lot more broken, and that's something which can actually be addressed and changed... if you open yourself to the possibility.

Neither did I, neither do lots of people, and even if everyone suffered with all this it wouldn't make it any easier for you. Don't even get me started, I didn't have a clue what "calm happiness" was until after I'd already been dealing with 24/7 high frequency screech and constant visual static for years. Self-pity is not where you need to be if you want to find a way through this mess to a place of less suffering.

Everyone has to go through this differently, and most of us do seem to get stuck more or less where you are for some period of time. It's never helpful, though, I think it's just a phase that has to be tolerated and accepted.

 

It's a relatively privileged position to even be able to contemplate our anxiety about these things.

I'm not convinced that the deep existential horror of our bodies breaking is actually easier to tolerate when it happens on a more protracted schedule. I am reminded of Brando at the end of Apocalypse Now.

I certainly don't disagree that some people have easier or more difficult lives than others, nor that that easiness or difficulty is significant and inescapable. I'm just not sure how that's a helpful thing to ruminate about. People are usually very good at acknowledging that in one direction -- if you say "yes you have tinnitus but think about all the kids with AIDs and CRPS in Africa, that should mitigate your suffering", people will justifiably snap at you. However, often times they will go on to say "and look at all the people who have it easier than I do, that compounds my suffering"... illogical.