Suicidal Thoughts Are Relapsing

[Gl0w0ut]

Ever since I had my perceived spike happen to me a week ago, life has been hard. I've been depressed a lot of more lately because of the fact that at college I am socially isolated and alone. I also have an unresolved internal conflict over whether I am content or not with being alone.

To top it off people who I have befriended don't seem to give me much time of day. Perhaps I'm acting too needy or demanding but I feel alone when I'm away at school. Most other students are probably enjoying their spring break in some exotic location, making life long memories with friends while I sit at home and struggle to study for an exam my returning week.

Tinnitus introduced depression at its current magnitude to me as an adult. I started seeing a new therapist but am unsure if he can truly help me. After last semester I am less inclined to tell anyone I' having serious suicidal thoughts as I have no desire to be committed. I despise psychiatrists and will only be antagonist towards them. I also have no desire to take antidepressants, especially selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Regardless of how effective the typically are, I will not wait 4-6 weeks for a medication to potentially improve the symptom of the greater problem.

Life wasn't perfect before tinnitus but I wasn't depressed. I miss my old life and how great things used to be. Back when I had a car and house to myself, back when I partied and did drugs all the time, back when I had a larger group of friends to hand out with that I no longer do. back before I knew what true depression felt like.

Life sucks now, and I hardly see what there is to live for. The tinnitus isn't at the forefront of my mind anymore, but it is always there to kick me in the ball when I'm down. I always struggle socially and usually end up rejected and alone. So maybe the tinnitus is here to expedite the inevitable and push me over the edge.

 

[glynis]

@G10wOut,
Don't put yourself down and you seen a nice guy.
It is not your fault but the fault of people whom don't understand about Tinnitus and the emotional side of it day in day out.
I wonder if you spoke with the head of year group to put you intouch with other tinnitus sufferers at the school and extra support for you .
Tinnitus is hard and make sure you push for the support you need and get the school get audiology specialist to come to school to tell them what you need to support you.
We are always here for you .
Love glynis x

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Hi @G10wOut. I miss my old life too. I also get the feelings you describe.

I would like to second what @glynis said. Perhaps there is a tinnitus support group at your college. If there isn't, maybe you could start one.

If you could connect with other students who have tinnitus, you could have a social life with people who do understand what you're going through and you could find social activities that will not hurt your ears.

 

[billie48]

Ever since I had my perceived spike happen to me a week ago, life has been hard

Why not wait it out if the spike is only a week ago instead of reacting so emotionally? T is not something we can will it to go away. In fact our negative reactions will just perpetuate it. The more we confront it or demand an ultimatum (get better or else...), the more the brain reacts in panic and stress because T is such an immovable object during a new T or a new spike. It is not helpful at all for our mental state. Perhaps try a new approach as the old approach of reacting emotionally with stress and depression isn't working to lower T. Perhaps treat T as your dead enemy #1 who wishes you to do this or that in order to have tyranny over you. Screw it! Do the opposite and don't react negatively as humanly possible as we can. Let the new spike ride out its worst and wait the storm out. Your new spike is really new so don't push it with so many mental ultimatums. That will only create suicidal thoughts. Right now you are so down with yourself so you probably need some counselling to help you out. But give it some more time. Tell yourself you are just like many other sufferers who will have this struggle but it won't last forever as many people prove that with their success stories. Try to bear up with this 'grieving' period full of self-pity and sometimes despair. But spikes will usually go down to baseline over time, especially when you learn to live with tinnitus after a while. So be patient and give it some time. Take good care. God bless.

 

[Gl0w0ut]

Why not wait it out if the spike is only a week ago instead of reacting so emotionally? T is not something we can will it to go away. In fact our negative reactions will just perpetuate it. The more we confront it or demand an ultimatum (get better or else...), the more the brain reacts in panic and stress because T is such an immovable object during a new T or a new spike. It is not helpful at all for our mental state. Perhaps try a new approach as the old approach of reacting emotionally with stress and depression isn't working to lower T. Perhaps treat T as your dead enemy #1 who wishes you to do this or that in order to have tyranny over you. Screw it! Do the opposite and don't react negatively as humanly possible as we can. Let the new spike ride out its worst and wait the storm out. Your new spike is really new so don't push it with so many mental ultimatums. That will only create suicidal thoughts. Right now you are so down with yourself so you probably need some counselling to help you out. But give it some more time. Tell yourself you are just like many other sufferers who will have this struggle but it won't last forever as many people prove that with their success stories. Try to bear up with this 'grieving' period full of self-pity and sometimes despair. But spikes will usually go down to baseline over time, especially when you learn to live with tinnitus after a while. So be patient and give it some time. Take good care. God bless.

Appreciate the words, but my main source of depression is social isolation rather than tinnitus.

 

[Fleegle]

I created hobbies for myself. I looked for groups out of my comfort zone, and learned skills during my time with these groups. I try to minimize alone time - unless that time is filled with a hobby. I could suggest to put a message up on a board to find someone to share your interests. Or look for something you have never done before and try it - that's what I did. Soon I found myself with life-long friends that really care about what is happening with me. And what do you know? People in that group have tinnitus too! So even though we don't openly discuss T, we have a shared experience and are good friends. Try Glynis' idea: put up a message at school - and start your own support group. You don't need to have the answers for the group, but you can be the rock that everyone is looking for. Who knows? One day you could be your school's Chapter founder, leader and benefactor. I feel that you can be a help to others.

 

[Dana]

 

[Dana]

Because you may argue that Witney is dead now (she resorted to drugs thinking that they are the answer and she overdosed), i post another song. From Mariah Carey. Listen to the lyrics, i guaruantee there is a hero in you too. This is not cheesy stuff. There is really a hero inside of you, and you will make it if you trust yourself and pull out all your strength.
Screw those friends who went away the second you needed their support, they were not such good friends anyway, only shallow people, not valuable relationships. If it weren't the tinnitus, you would have discovered another time that, if you need their help, they turn their backs on you, and you would have felt the same disappointment, only with another occasion. Losing their company you really didn't lose anything of any value.
You will make new, better friends. Real ones.
As for social gatherings, you have to wait until your tinnitus does not get louder anymore during/after a noisy event and after that you will see that you can participate to such events like before. You will even be able to go to concerts, with the only difference that you must leave some distance from the stage/amplifiers, but don't be upset about that either: good music maintains its entire quality at a lower volume, you do not have to listen to it to a volume that makes your stomach and ears vibrate to enjoy it fully.
New tinnitus is the worst, the most severe. Give it some time.

 

[Starthrower]

my main source of depression is social isolation rather than tinnitus.

Try Glynis' idea: put up a message at school - and start your own support group.

What are your thoughts on this Glowout? Do you realize you are not alone in the social isolation area? So many young people feel the same way. And they will not talk about tinnitus. But just maybe one or a few will agree to met up at a cafe or open area on campus.

Rejection issues can be related to your self-worth. Believe in yourself.

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Your school will probably have an office for students with disabilities. They will probably know if there is already a club for students with tinnitus. They may also provide counseling.

Your school will probably also have a student activities office where you can find out how to start your own club. Clubs usually have faculty sponsors, so you will not be on your own organizing it. Being the leader of a club might give you purpose. It can also help socially because when you're the leader you have a reason to talk to everyone in the group.

 

[Dana]

Why don't you act, for a while, like you do not have tinnitus?
When you see the students whom you befriended, but now have turned their back cause you told them about your tinnitus and probably your dark thought, act cheerful.
Fake it!
You would only have to pretend, too, in a group of pretenders, which is perfectly ok, actually is what you are supposed to do, pretending, like they do. Do you think their lives are so perfect? I bet every one of them has a hidden problem, if not more.
This way i bet you will have their company back. You will not wonder "what they are saying, what they are doing right now". Understand that they are only "good weather friends" and make this little compromise. Do not try to make them what they are not!
True friends, that do not turn their backs if you have a problem, are hard to find. But they do exist. It may take a while until you find them.
To not shrink your social circle too much, and be miserable because of that, just do not talk to them about your problem.
There was a thread, once, on this forum, about that. The question was if the members speak about their tinnitus with other people. From experience, they found out that it's better to not talk about it. Learn from their experience. Speak about T only with the close ones.
In time you will find that it is better not to talk about your tinnitus even with the close ones. After all, you want to have the life you would have had if you hadn't been hit with tinnitus, so behave with others as you would have behaved had nothing happened.
Tinnitus is a burden that we, the tinnitus sufferers, must carry on our shoulders. Nobody can do it for us. They cannot take even a part of that weight.
Do not doubt that you have the strength to carry this cross. You can.
You said that tinnitus is not on the forefront of your mind anymore. I was surprised to read that you are still suicidal although you reached this important milestone, just because of some stupid people. How do you know that these people will have it so easy for the rest of their lives? Most likely they will have their challenges too, and only then they will understand how it is to remain alone when you have a problem.

 

[fishbone]

Because you may argue that Witney is dead now (she resorted to drugs thinking that they are the answer and she overdosed), i post another song. From Mariah Carey. Listen to the lyrics, i guaruantee there is a hero in you too. This is not cheesy stuff. There is really a hero inside of you, and you will make it if you trust yourself and pull out all your strength.
Screw those friends who went away the second you needed their support, they were not such good friends anyway, only shallow people, not valuable relationships. If it weren't the tinnitus, you would have discovered another time that, if you need their help, they turn their backs on you, and you would have felt the same disappointment, only with another occasion. Losing their company you really didn't lose anything of any value.
You will make new, better friends. Real ones.
As for social gatherings, you have to wait until your tinnitus does not get louder anymore during/after a noisy event and after that you will see that you can participate to such events like before. You will even be able to go to concerts, with the only difference that you must leave some distance from the stage/amplifiers, but don't be upset about that either: good music maintains its entire quality at a lower volume, you do not have to listen to it to a volume that makes your stomach and ears vibrate to enjoy it fully.
New tinnitus is the worst, the most severe. Give it some time.

Now that's a post

 

[Dana]

Thanks, @fishbone, i did not expect that.
Now, what do we do with Gl0w0ut?

 

[Dana]

@Gl0w0ut
With the help from Adderall, which you say it helps you (I, personally, do not understand how it can lower your tinnitus, but that is not important) but the side effects are bad, and the psychological help of the tinnitus veterans, you will "walk the walk" too.

Tinnitus is the hardest test, one of the most serious conditions, discredited by healthy people who think that we talk about that fleeting, few seconds long, low/medium volume tinnitus, that they know about.
I understand you have the support of your family, they sound like very nice people. You may not realise how lucky you are in this respect, not all of us had this luck, to be born by nice, decent and loving people.
Having your parents, TT members on your side and with the help of some medication (i still think that Roche Rivotril is the best and the other drugs are a waste of time, but that is only my opinion) you will get through.

 

[Gl0w0ut]

@Gl0w0ut
With the help from Adderall, which you say it helps you (I, personally, do not understand how it can lower your tinnitus, but that is not important) but the side effects are bad, and the psychological help of the tinnitus veterans, you will "walk the walk" too.

Tinnitus is the hardest test, one of the most serious conditions, discredited by healthy people who think that we talk about that fleeting, few seconds long, low/medium volume tinnitus, that they know about.
I understand you have the support of your family, they sound like very nice people. You may not realise how lucky you are in this respect, not all of us had this luck, to be born by nice, decent and loving people.
Having your parents, TT members on your side and with the help of some medication (i still think that Roche Rivotril is the best and the other drugs are a waste of time, but that is only my opinion) you will get through.

I appreciate your words. Over the last few days I have been coming to terms with the severity of my anxiety and depression. I just started seeing a new therapist who seems promising but feel it may be time to pick up antidepressants again. As much as I detest them, it goes hand in hand with my biological reductionist approach to neuroscience that by boosting serotonin availability I am am buffing my mood.

My hope is that the psychotherapy alone can resolve how I feel without having to bring an SSRI into the mix, but if it is a must then I am willing to. Thanks to the Adderall I have something to keep my mood up while I await the antidepressant effects to be felt.

 

[Starthrower]

My hope is that the psychotherapy alone can resolve how I feel without having to bring an SSRI into the mix, but if it is a must then I am willing to.

This is an excellent plan @GlOwOut. As you can see a lot of people here care about you. No rejection to fear at all.
Thanks for your update.