Suicidal

To Harley:
My sentiments exactly. There is a great quote from The Iliad:
"Not even if I had ten tongues and ten mouths" (regarding the inability to thoroughly describe the awfulness of
this condition).
I still have no idea why this condition is still so underregarded and neglected.
I recall that one of the chief reasons why there was major research done on Migraines (which resulted in the introduction of truly effective drugs) is because there were so many suicides (this was so frequent with Cluster Migraine sufferers that Paramedics started going out on such calls).
The tragic, desperate consequences of this condition need to be addressed with as much serious consideration.
I got a nausea-inducing spike on Sunday.
It was a glorious fall day and we went to a nearby Forest Preserve, and this spike utterly ruined any semblance of enjoyment.
This has been my experience with nearly every other outing within the last 6 years.
I kept hearing Janis Joplin's plaintive wail, "No,No,No, It Just Can't Be!"
Like a vicious attack dog, this spike sank its fangs into me and would'nt ease up for the whole day.
When we got home, I parked the car in the garage with the door closed and windows rolled up and tried to scream the stress away for 10 minutes.
(Please note that I still have not got to the point where the engine would be left running).
This is my self-created personal decompression chamber.
It is now so routine that I have difficulty imagining life without it.

 

As I’ve said, I’ve gone over in my head what I did wrong. I had a bulging disc and I could barely move. They wanted an MRI, and MY mistake was I thought it was a routine test. I expected some low whirring.

I have had 1-2 MRIs and never recalled any noise issues. My family never recalled any noise issues.
But I had a technician, while I wish she would be suffering and lose her quality of life as has happened to me.
She was incompetent and did not do her job. BUT I didn’t do my protective research before the test.

I arrived, took my brace off, she said get on the table....asked if I wanted “silence or music” and I thought I would listen to some music while taking a nap. I again, SHOULD have asked, what if? What if I have a problem, where’s the help button. I had none.

Feeling pressured to go along to get along, the test started and was VERY loud. I eventually moved my hands to squeeze the derp headphones against my head. I called out to stop and take a break. Nothing.

I should have tried to crawl out of the tube. Again, this will be the hell I will think about....could’ve should’ve would’ve. But does that make the technician not complicit? She was probably smoking dope the night before and last night....having not a care in the world.

10 minutes later, she comes on the headset to say, oh 5 more minutes....never had she asked if I was ok....what if...I had a heart attack or anxiety attack. She did not do her job, and I didn’t think to fully research MRIs.

Much on MRIs is ...No metal....stay still....some about noise, but seemingly only if you look at the correct sites.

Oh well...so now what? Yes, I can still have a less joyful life. I can tell everyone about how evil MRIs can be and not routine. I will learn to live with tinnitus again.

My first issue was in my late 20’s as a professional musician and I was called to sit in with a group and didn’t wear earplugs as I normally would, since I wanted to do my best and use my ears since I wasn’t familiar with all their songs. After an hour, I got earplugs and I knew i f’cked up. 3-5 years later I got USED TO the sounds.

I would carry earplugs everywhere. I always used earplugs at movie theaters, etc. I became complacent since I never heard anyone say an MRI was loud....it is “routine.” I didn’t protect myself, but then the tech didn’t do her job....and here I am...so yes, I can fantasize about her getting the same pain I have....but it is just a fantasy since I would still have more to lose than she would.

New sounds? No...just about 80% louder than ever and worse than in 2002, and now with Hyperacusis. Funny, I was thinking about getting my musical gear out to demo to my kids that are starting Highschool...maybe they would be musicians?

That is now off the table. I haven’t worked since my back injury...I travel all the time internationally for work...how will my rest be? How will the noise be?

“The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.“

I am still between anger, depression and eventually it will be acceptance again.

So I cancelled my hyperbaric chamber consult this morning....too many risk factors. With my luck, that tech will mess up too. So I drove my kids an hour to school with the fan full blast, and now I’m home and will guzzle my B12, niacin, NAC, Magnesium, etc.

Maybe I’ll try TRT almost 20 years later....since nothing really has changed. Wake me up when something actually works....

And again, because of this comedy of errors....every penny I spend on my treatment is a penny I won’t have for my kids....yeah I hate that technician....I kick myself every minute...too bad I can’t kick her (figuratively).

—Dave “downer”

 

When they don't shout.

I haven't tried formal TRT but I got hearing aids with customized white noise. The problem is they stop at 8 kHz and my tinnitus is at higher frequency and reactive too, so keeping the generators on for long does not work for me.

@DaveFromChicago I am also spending a lot of money, I tried several medications, then diet, supplements, vagus nerve stimulation. Next I have acupuncture and osteopathy. Stats are against me but occasionally people do benefit from such treatments.
Sorry to hear you still have this near your wife's retirement. That's a very bad time. My timing is very bad too, I have two children depending on me in a critical age and I feel like giving up but can't.

 

Ha the clothes are back on now, it’s too cold now so that doesn’t agree with my member.

I like that, nurture love! I’m glad it’s helping you on your journey
“without love, we are birds with broken wings” always loved that quote.

Na, I’d go with Hermione myself Harry was a bit s#*t really.....

 

I’m midway in life between DaveChicago and Chinmoku.

I’m 50... I’m outside Chicago and with our taxes, it looks like we will downsize early now with this added expense.

I was fortunate enough to be about habituated when the oldest came along, so I appreciate how Chinmoku feels how this has really out a bump in the road of life.

DaveChicago... I haven’t been impressed with any local ENTs... let me know if you happen on anyone you like, especially maybe for wearable white noise generators or TRT.

Thanks.

 

The problem with that is the fact, that most Tinnitus suicides are written off as some form of a mental illness.

I guess it must be really hard to immagine (or admit), that chronic condition so torturous, that those affected wish to be dead alone could cause someone to off themselves.

This is why Tinnitis only shows it's fangs to it's victims, while being able to maintain a mask of a slightly annoying but harmless sheep for the outside world.

 

@MRItechssuck thanks for the info.

So you have no tonal components, just the high frequency hissing...

 

Ontario. Why?

 

Maybe we can meet up for mutual support. I'm in Toronto. You?

 

No new sounds, just the old very high pitch tone I have had for about 17 years, but I couldn’t tell you what frequency it is.
It is just about 10x as loud now.

I just got a “mostly normal” hearing test for a 50-year-old dude today at the ENT office. It drops off pretty good above 8 kHz... they didn’t even go up past 12 kHz.. but both ears being equal he doubted I had hearing loss from the MRI.

He got me some more prednisone... but he said it wouldn’t do anything. He mentioned there is no cure (but we all know this).

ENT said he hadn’t heard MRIs were loud... just my lucky draw on the one I used, I guess.

 

What? When I told a foreign ENT about the loudness of MRIs she said that they weren't loud, too.

What planet do these people live on? Your ENT is probably just sticking up for the medical profession... like they generally almost always do!

Never trust a doctor, but you will need one sometime...! That's how I look at it now.

 

Outside of Toronto. My doctor made me an ENT appointment in Toronto that I am thinking of cancelling. I think Toronto is loud and I don't think the doctor will help anyway. How do you deal with the noise there?

The downtown area where I live is bad enough and the city is much smaller than Toronto.

 

To Mrltechssuck:
Since 07/2015 I have had the Widex Zen Amplification /White Noise Masker hearing aids.
They come with a pocket sized remote that enables you to switch to either pure amplification or the white noise masking.
Each preference has eight levels of intensity.
Often, I will sit in my car (with the ignition turned off, of course) with the windows rolled up when it is in my garage to obtain an environment of maximum silence.
I will then turn up the Amplification Only to Maximum.
Sometimes I will be able to luxuriate in a state of complete bliss because this will actually completely eliminate the tinnitus (which also ought to prove beyond any doubt that my tinnitus is caused by a degree of hearing loss around 8000hz).
It is amazing how just 10 minutes of this can temporarily fortify me against recurrent stress; I will counsel myself that complete tinnitus elimination is actually realizable (but when I have a spike it runs roughshod over even Maximum Amplification).
My suggestion : Check out Widex's Web Site - they may actually have a new, improved version that may be more serviceable than mine.
My total cost back then was $3,150.00.
They can also notify you about the closest Audiology Distributor.
Although I by no means regard this as the definitive answer to this condition, they have admittedly been at times a very substantial help.

 

My tinnitus was an 11 when it started on March 3rd. I had 3 different sounds in my head/across my brain. I’ve tried everything! Herbals did nothing. Thinking of adding turmeric to see if it will help.
Diet, which I do find helps. No caffeine, lots of veggies, citrus (lemons help for some reason), limited sweets & salt, no alcohol.
The hyperbaric oxygen therapy got rid of the brain fog. I did 10 ‘dives’. HOBOT ‘works’ if tinnitus is caught early. It had no effect on mine.
I listen to hypnosis for tinnitus. When my T was really bad I listened constantly. I do meditation. Meditation is difficult but if you could try it, it will help calm you down. I go to church every day to meditate. It is quiet and I can focus. I pray to St Jude, patron Saint of hopeless causes.
Acupuncture with electrical stimulation has lowered the noise level. I’ve been doing acupuncture 3 times a week since March. I started acupuncture with electrical stimulation in June going twice a week. By Aug I was doing great. Lower noise, started feeling like me again then I did Botox on Aug 29th (for pain in mastoid process that was almost gone. I was intimidated by neurologist) and it brought me back to on-set!. I’m getting back to lower noise level. I now have one sound, in my ear, and it’s slowly going down. Last week I went from a 6 to a 3! Today I have almost silence (little ‘fuzzy’ noises I can tolerate) after my treatment. I don't know if it will last but we now know it can go away, if only for a short time.
TRT helps your brain to habituate. I’ve had my maskers since July 5th. It takes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to work! I was hoping to be an anomaly and it would work in 3 months. No such luck! I typically wear them from 7am until 9:30pm. You can get them at Costco but you should also have an audiologist help with the settings & some counseling.
I went to Weill Cornell in NYC. An FYI, they have a dr who specializes in pulsatile tinnitus as well as a great staff who will listen to you and help figure out which dr is best for you.
One thing that helped me to cope is the MRI, MRA & MRV testing. It showed a clean brain. I was convinced I had a brain tumor or aneurysm. No. This was a virus that settled in my head. It really doesn’t matter why we have tinnitus but for me knowing what I don't have has helped.
Tinnitus takes time, a lot of time! I pray for a cure for everyone who suffers with this debilitating illness.
I hope this helps!

 

Like me

 

I have not heard that quote before but I love it, and I agree Hermione is way better LOL.

 

You are another Super Dad Chinmoku, so you hang in there, your children are lucky to have such a caring father..

There are lots of Dads and Mums that hang in there for their children on this site because they have young children, I have adult children, I was a young mother and I know you did not have children to much later in life, however I do not think it makes any difference as to the responsibility you may always feel towards being their for them even when they are adults. Well I certainly feel this way, maybe its just me.

I am glad you are trying acupuncture, I have had 8 sessions now and I feel it is benefiting me, so I hope you get good results too. I did try acupuncture a while back with no results but it sometimes depends on the practitioner, the one I am seeing now is way more knowledgeable which can make a difference.

Hopefully the stats are in your favor

 

Very true, and If you rock up at an emergency room you better hope the Knowledgeable good doctors are working and not the quacks, otherwise you may come out way worse than when you went in... I have seen it happen all to often when I worked in the ER department, some doctors should have been the cleaners, they were that bad...

Having said that many doctors go above and beyond for their patients, I just wish there was more of them around.

 

MRIs are bloody loud, and I am surprised they do not routinely ask if anybody has hearing problems on the questionnaire before you take one...

I had one last year, but I pointed out to the technician that I had hearing problems and he said I am glad you pointed this out as he made me wear both ear plugs and ear muffs. Even with both I could still here the jack hammer noise penetrating through...

I think they should routinely include this question so they can at least try and offer you more protection. Plus a panic button is a necessity and is usually always given. Sorry to hear of your awful experience.

 

Hi Pete,
I used to live in Toronto. Only way is travel by car. I now live in a smaller town.
ENTs are useless... fwiw.

 

Thank you Star, unfortunately things do not go well. My tinnitus kept worsening progressively and now it is deafening. The sound torments me, I cannot mask it, and it is so bad that it makes my anxiety ramp and my stomach ache. Today I called sick from work but even staying in bed I suffer like crazy.

Acupuncture yesterday was weird. This is an important centre for Chinese medicine in london but their main interest is selling herbs that are very expensive. The acupuncturist gave me pain with a couple of needles and forgot to remove one when I was done. I was perfectly relaxed but this made me feel the tinnitus more. I was lying there, my body perfectly relaxed but the noise raging as usual and even more noticeable. It was just one session but it made little or no difference. I didn't buy the 300£ of herbs they were suggesting.

I think I will have to try a different acupuncturist. If anyone knows of a good acupuncturist for tinnitus in London please let me know with a pm. I am really desperate, nothing seems to stop the worsening and I'm crossing the debilitating line.

 

@Chinmoku

Hi friend... I am a bit zonked and cranky today.... just checked in.
Was curious as to what medications you are on presently?
I forgot, and didn’t read back through the pages...

Don’t go back to that acupuncturist or spend 300 quid, I have a boat load of experience with traditional Asian medicine.

If you are crossing the debilitating line... get some benzos... are you taking any now?
If not, 3 week or even 1 month script?

Lots of people here take Clonazepam, I have never tried it, they sell Valium like candy here. I avoid it for health reasons, but when the shit hits the fan, I’ll take some for two, maybe three days. I nearly broke today, but saw my massage therapist who massaged my head for an hour, then my feet and arms.

My heart goes out to you.
Let me know what’s up? Sorry you are being tortured, I understand.

 

Check out Gregory Porter, “ain’t no love dying here” and “hey Lora it’s me”... please, you can YouTube him...

 

Thank you Daniel, you are an angel. My bloody medication is called lyrica/pregabalin. It's a calcium channel blocker but in the end it is similar to benzos, as it is a gaba analogue. Stopping it is hell for some people and now even the therapeutic dosage does nothing for my tinnitus. Problem is that if I reduce, even very slowly, tinnitus gets even worse. I take clonazepam once a week for relief when I can't go on. I asked today to be referred to a good addiction psychiatrist, I had seen one earlier but he was useless. I am not an addict, but this drug is giving me the same symptoms as people who get addicted to it, so this doctor might be helpful in stopping this poison.
Yeah acupuncture was a big disappointment, but I found another acupuncturist who also specializes in tinnitus and who does not sell herbs. I'll give him a call. I should also try massage as you do. Keep going, brother, you are an inspiration and your metta and karuna are a balm for us in this hell.

 

I don't have a problem with sounds... just have tinnitus that I suspect is from benzo withdrawal... It's a tiny hiss that morphs often on top of everything else... either way, I may be willing to make a trip to where you are if it's not too far from Toronto. We can have tea somewhere.

 

I know his music (if it’s the gent I’m thinking about) Jazzy/soul type? I love his voice, he’s so chill. I’ve heard of “ain’t no love” but I’m not familiar with the Lora one I’ll definitely check that out.

 

This is so bizarre, as you're sitting in your car with little sound around . What phenomenon do you think is at play here? There are people who can't mask their tinnitus whatsoever, yet for some hearing aids seem to help. I mean, I heard this before but to have you describe it in this manner it's truly astonishing that it helps that much.

I'm happy for you!

*Cough*

 

What town? I wish I could live in a small town. :-(

 

I am ready to die now. I have severe tinnitus, no money, no food and no job. It makes no sense to stay alive. I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING WORLD.

WHEN I GET MY MONEY ON NOVEMBER 1ST, I WILL BUY A FUCKING ROPE. I DON'T TRUST CORDS. I ALREADY PICKED A TREE. I HURT MY HAND. I WANT TO DIE. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANY LONGER.

 

Hang on @PeteJ!!!! Help is coming, I know exactly how you feel but just hold on. Lenire may help!