Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. MRItechssuck

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002-2015, 10/17/2019-?
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      Allen, you do have much to lose, and the people around you would certainly have too much to lose.

      I’m new here but not new to tinnitus. I regret that I took my habituation for granted for years when I could have been counseling new sufferers. Now I am a new sufferer and an old sufferer....reading your posts on these forums have been a great help.
       
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    2. all to gain

      all to gain Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      June 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Incompetency of GP! Own naivety!
      I found the video and will give it a look later.

      I am desperate. Really worried now that I'm going to suffer many hearing and eye problems; all while my kids are growing up.

      I'm still just so angry, 4 months after the event. Can't go back in time, but I go over the events again and again saying what if. Pointless really, but I can't help it. Just hate my new life!! Hate my new reality and what it has done to both me and my family.
       
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    3. MRItechssuck

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002-2015, 10/17/2019-?
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      It sucks, “all to gain” it really does. I’m sorry, but that won’t help you with the anger and the worry.
      I told my wife this morning, I’m sorry but I’m constantly pissed off because of this.

      You have every right to be angry, but try not to worry. Worry is about possible bad outcomes which you have no control.

      I’ve been soul searching these past 5 days. I’ve always been an involved Dad, but now the only joy I have is through family and their growth and achievements. You have your family, give them a hug every day and reflect on how lucky we are. But yes, the noises in our heads suck, don’t let the anger and worry consume you and make things worse. I’m trying to help, even though it probably didn’t. Sorry.
       
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    4. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Hi, could you describe your tinnitus back then and now?
       
    5. CamilleCR
      Alone

      CamilleCR Member

      Location:
      Los Angeles, California
      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I have read threads on here started by people who say they are suicidal due to chronic tinnitus. I know how they feel because I am, too. My tinnitus used to be very bearable. I never heard it much unless I listened for it.

      Then, two years ago, I got a bad head cold, and I woke up one day with my ears just roaring like I was standing in Niagara Falls. It got somewhat better with summer weather, but lately, it's been pretty constant.

      I saw an ENT who is supposed to be so good, and all he told me was that I had mild hearing loss in one ear. I've known that for years, and it doesn't impair my life in any way. The roaring I hear, I've discovered, is different from my tinnitus. I can hear my low level tinnitus below the roaring. If I take a tranquilizer and be very still, the tinnitus will usually quiet down. However, if I sleep for even fifteen minutes, it's back roaring. Exercise seems to make it worse. My cholesterol levels are in the optimum range, both HDL and LDL. My blood pressure is fine. I've not had a vitamin check, but I intend on getting one soon. I was in an accident four years ago, and still cannot walk well. I changed orthopedic surgeons and found I need a ligament rebuilt. I can get around with a cane, though. I sleep on a futon that tilts to one side and am pretty sedentary now due to the accident. I usually get the roaring on awakening in the ear that tilted downward during sleep.

      I'm wondering if blood flow has anything to do with my roaring ears? Maybe it pools in my ear at night? I don't know. I'm not as knowledgeable about these things as most of you are. Increased blood flow with exercise seems to make sense to me too. I think the ENT I saw just wanted to sell me very expensive hearing aids (I found them half price somewhere else) and I've not purchased them yet. I can hear the TV well when it's normal sound and I'm on a different floor.

      I just know I cannot live like this any longer. Doctors don't seem to help, a noise machine at night doesn't help, I can't exercise much at all. Not yet, and if I try, my ears begin to roar.

      Anyone have any idea what this could be?

      Thank you very much for your time and help. I hope we all find relief sooner rather than later.
       
      • Hug Hug x 7
    6. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      Understood...

      Can you take leave?

      Is there a legal loophole you can exploit?
      Can you talk to your boss? or is that hopeless?

      You need a couple months off work?
      Can yo talk to your GP, get a letter and take that to get a disability claim?
       
    7. MRItechssuck

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002-2015, 10/17/2019-?
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      It’s tough to remember, but the anxiety and hopelessness and intensity all seem about the same if not worse.

      I have a loud high-pitched hiss, and a little sensitivity this time around, both ears, possible hearing loss this time.

      The difference really is between when I was 30-something versus now 50....I have kids. So yes I get anxious and lose hope like everyone else, but frankly I need to suck it up because I have people relying on me.
      No offense to anyone else and their situation.

      You know I have found NO ENTs on emergency call....none. So when I finally figured out what treatment to get Friday evening into Saturday....there is no one available. The minute clinic and emergency room people don’t know what the heck they are doing either.

      So hope and prayers...
       
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    8. Mister Muso
      Busy

      Mister Muso Member

      Location:
      Scotland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2007 / April 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music
      This is one of the main things that keeps me going and stops my thoughts from spiralling into a bad place.

      But if you think that's not you, think on this:

      Your future self is relying on you.

      If you have no parents, or even friends that you think would miss you (which is probably not the case), then do something today that your future self will thank you for. This isn't a fridge magnet platitude - this is the every day reality when you have got nothing left.

      Let's all be kind to ourselves.
       
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    9. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      Well said Mister Muso.

      "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- Dalai Lama

      With us all suffering from this horrid condition COMPASSION is the key word, even for ourselves in this misery.
      I have nothing but compassion for everybody on this site, and hope, never lose hope, pain is real, but so is hope.

      Hang in there @Allan1967 you have a whole community here batting for you, we are always here for you, never forget that, you are not alone.
       
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    10. all to gain

      all to gain Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      June 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Incompetency of GP! Own naivety!
      I simply can't accept this alien that has inhabited my head. I'm only 4 months in, but I just don't think in can accept it.
      I so want to be normal again. It isn't going to happen. Now think my future is going to be one of constant ear and eye problems. Deaf by 55? I'm 49 now. Couldn't take that at all.

      I keep reading that it's a harmless sound. Is it hell. That sound is there for a reason; something has gone wrong.
       
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    11. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      You can habituate to this sound unless it's like really loud as fcuk...
       
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    12. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      The sound is not harmless... it is hell.

      You are grieving for the life you lost.

      I cried for an hour straight today... it’s ok.
      It’s gonna take time... it’s gonna take time... perhaps a year to start to climb up and regain what you lost and discover new things you didn’t know existed.

      It’s horrible, life is cruel. I lost so much... believe me.
      Control everything that is in your power, exercise, diet, breathing, massage, relaxation techniques... etc...

      Hold on... you are going through the worst part...
      You can do this...

      Member Lane amongst others here knows a lot about ototoxic issues and potential remedies.
      Easy does it... time to do some research and fight... and cry.

      Wish I could heal you up bro... hoping things ease up ASAP for you.
       
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    13. all to gain

      all to gain Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      June 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Incompetency of GP! Own naivety!
      You're still crying after 2 years Daniel. My counselor took 10 years to get to the point where she could handle her tinnitus. I just fear life now.

      My counselor said my doctor was to blame for the tinnitus, my brother said the complete opposite. People look at things differently from different perspectives.
       
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    14. MRItechssuck

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002-2015, 10/17/2019-?
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      It sucks. But there are people that keep pressing on in life that have no limbs, have had horrible accidents, etc... these are all tragic situations... and so is tinnitus. I am not diminishing anyone’s pain I their individual situation.

      In my opinion, one of the worst aspects of tinnitus is fear of the unknown and the day-to-day roller coaster.

      An amputee can become resolved to move on because it’s obvious the limb is not coming back. Tinnitus sufferers have hope that things will normalize, and for many it doesn’t... and worse, there is the fear of it getting worse... every damn day. That is the anxiety and stress that is overwhelming.

      Sometimes I wonder if it is better just to figure nothing will be the same. So now what does one do?
      Give up, or use what tools you still have left to make the world a better place?

      Sorry I don’t mean to be preachy because I have played out in my head 100 times if only I had done this, if only I had done that... differently.
       
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    15. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, possibly medication
      10 years is a long time! My goodness... ten years, my kids will finish schools by then, this thing will ruin the most important years I will spend with my children. I really hope we can get help before that.
       
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    16. Mila9828

      Mila9828 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/01/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Accident/Screaming?
      There is honestly no hope in finding a cure. I want to kill myself because I can’t deal with this anymore.

      My tinnitus has been spiked for 10 days now and I feel like I can no longer hear clearly. I’m too scared to check my hearing as I’m pretty sure I developed hyperacusis after my last hearing test. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

      I’m only 21 and I had to stop attending my dream university because of this. My dad thinks I’m faking it and my mom says I need to keep pushing forward.

      How am I supposed to live life like this? I want to die. I’ve never been so angry at life before. I hate everything.
       
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    17. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, possibly medication
      Why? Why are you too so negative? Can the pessimists argue why there is no hope of finding a cure?

      We have:
      Bimodal neuromodulation
      Lenire (already out, jury still out on benefits)
      Michigan (1-3y)
      Minnesota (2-5y)
      Hopefully once a couple of devices are out the field with bloom with many variants and alternatives, and in a few years we will have much more effective and customized treatment

      Medication
      Nerve damage: OTO-413 (5-10y)
      Ear Cells: FX-322/Regain (2-5y)
      Neuropathy: New Retigabine (Tzounopoulos, 10-20y)
      Hough Ear Institute pill (?)

      @Mila9828, @all to gain, do you think all these approaches will end up with nothing?
       
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    18. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      At 21 you have an immensely good chance of see a cure in your lifetime. Much much better than I did when I got it in my mid 20s in the 90's.
       
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    19. all to gain

      all to gain Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      June 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Incompetency of GP! Own naivety!
      If I'm honest, I think we will get little from them. But, of course, I hope I am wrong. I am very pessimistic. Why wouldn't I be? We put a man on the moon 50 years ago, but here we all are sitting on a forum talking about when a cure will come for a phantom sound. A cure WILL come, but maybe not in my lifetime.

      Not enough people care enough to make major inroads into a cure for this. Damn, if the Queen of England had tinnitus I reckon funding would shoot up. Or maybe they would cover it up under the rug.
       
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    20. keka
      Batty

      keka Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      benzo withdrawal

      Hey girl, I'm in the same boat as you. Same age, same rage, and I also had to stop with college. All dreams = crushed. Please feel free to message me if you want and vent for as long as you like! xx
       
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    21. arctic loon
      Dreaming

      arctic loon Member

      Location:
      Finland
      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud music
      I made many many mistakes this year. As a result I have severe hyperacusis, pulsatile tinnitus and tinnitus. I used to have mild hyperacusis & tinnitus only. Life's very hard with severe hyperacusis. I wish you all only good things, keep fighting people. This life is all we have.
       
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    22. MargMan
      Wishful

      MargMan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      March 3, 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Virus
      I was suicidal while dealing with extremely painful tinnitus (lost 24lbs in 3 months, felt like I had dementia & the ringing was deafening). Eventually I found some great doctors at Weill Cornell Med Ctr. Started TRT therapy, counseling and had two cortisone injections for pain in the mastoid process. I went for acupuncture with electrical stimulation weekly and prayed, a lot! Today my tinnitus level is a 3, as of last week and I’m pain-free. Please talk to someone. My husband was my lifeline! He encouraged me daily. He helped me with my diet, guilted me to get on the treadmill or to go outside every day. We need interaction with people, even if it’s the cashier at the grocery store. I’m so happy I didn’t jump. Your family want you in their lives. Stay strong!
       
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    23. MRItechssuck

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002-2015, 10/17/2019-?
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      Did you have good success with TRT? How did you find a reputable clinic?

      Thanks.
       
      • Good Question Good Question x 1
    24. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      Yup... 10 years is a chunk of time.
      It may never come for me... ”the miracle, the medical treatment”
      I try my best every a day.
      It has changed my time with my kids but I won’t let it “ruin“ it...
      It is what it is...
      I am here for you guys.... and for me...
      I am gonna keep doing my best... and keep trying...
      And when I need to cry... I’ll cry....
      Just try your best...

      Gaby Olthuis, the Dutch woman who had an assisted suicide.... well, her hyperacusis and tinnitus was insane, she was tortured beyond belief.
      It’s a shame she couldn’t have taken part in the deep brain stimulation operations at UCLA, or had round window reinforcement surgery.

      She made her choice and I respect that, and now she’s gone. Her suffering was unbelievable, beyond the threshold of any mortal, the pain was too much... RIP Gaby. You are not forgotten. That’s what this disease can do... we know that.

      I am not ready for that, I don’t want to die now.
      I accept the pain, it sucks, and I push on as best as I can.

      We are all in this together. My kids are sleeping now, my wife is sleeping. It’s 5 a.m and there are 5 of us in one room. That’s how we roll. I consider myself lucky.

      I love all of you, I don’t know you, but I am sending hugs into the World Wide Web, to you. Pre-tinnitus, I stayed clear of computers, I was old school... now I am sending hugs and kisses to people I’ve never met, weird.

      Our souls are bonded through this shared experience. I believe that.

      Take care, be strong, try your best. And share good news when you have it...

      Love,
      Daniel...

      Now you got me crying again, or tearing up, talk later.
       
      • Hug Hug x 4
    25. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I do.
       
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    26. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Your tinnitus went from a 4 to a 3 or?

      TRT doesn't reduce tinnitus.

      Is there anyone who had 10/10 or had 9/10 tinnitus and had it reduced from a treatment or even just random? I asked in a separate thread and no one replied. Well, maybe one or two replies but no one posted that theirs did.
       
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    27. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      What if it's loud as fuck?

      Mine got worse tonight. It seems to get worse in the late evening. It was 8/10 all day and now is 9/10 or 10/10.

      Why?!? Too many tones. I also have ear pain - the left ear again. That's why I am suicidal every day. If there was easy euthanasia, I would do it.

      Since no one knows what's happening, including doctors, I am guessing that auditory damage and hearing loss is "reported" to the brain and the human brain is so fucked up when dealing with that so neurons fire and this overactivity is done for some mysterious reason no one understands.

      These "cures" you people think are good?: they can't even explain why our brains have phantom sounds and why we can't stop it or cure it!

      Instead, there are currently Guinea pigs who are testing theories. I wish science was advanced enough to solve this. The ear pain and severe tinnitus (i.e. loud, high pitched multiple tones) makes so I don't want to live.

      Lots of people don't have perfect hearing but don't have severe tinnitus, right?!? Why do various people get horrible loud tinnitus'?!? I think mild tinnitus is common. I know some people in real life who have it like that but I don't know anyone with severe tinnitus. I can't get automatic disability from this so how can I live in a situation tormented by ear pain and severe tinnitus? People send "online" hugs but nothing helps me. :(
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    28. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      Daniel you are another kind, compassionate, gentle soul on this forum, and I am so sorry you are suffering, you really are a super dad.

      I hate seeing people crying due to sorrow and frustration and as we know tinnitus gives us both.
      We grieve for what we used to have, silence, no pain etc, and we are frustrated because it is a hit and miss with what will help us.

      Crying does release oxytocin and endorphins though which are meant to help us feel better. This morning @emmalee posted this quote on another thread as she is struggling with a bad spike at the moment and was looking at quotes to get her through, I think this is a good one,

      Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.
      - Michael J. Fox
      Lets hope we all find a way through it, sending big hugs to you Daniel xxx:huganimation::huganimation:
       
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    29. MRItechssuck

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002-2015, 10/17/2019-?
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      Here I am again day 7, I woke up and there is no going back to sleep. So loud after sleeping, and very disappointed and angry that I didn’t know about MRIs and the tech didn’t give a sh!t.

      If I didn’t have people relying on me, I would search and destroy that middle-aged useless bag technician, and then either be in jail or worse.

      Reading these threads... some 60 pages long... 55 pages of “seems better,” or “can’t tell, but hopeful” and then the twist at the end is really nothing... ”Personally, I've seen no changes in my tinnitus.”

      When I got this back in 2002 or so, Dr. Nagler had his forum and talked up TRT, and some had positive views and some thought it was BS snake oil, so much that the doc left the forums due to the criticism.

      These forums are the same as years ago too, some nice positive people and some d-bags.

      I am so unhappy to see the same people and the same empty promises from 15-17 years ago... NOTHING has changed. I’m screwed, but I hope some habituate...

      Secret studies and trials, PRP shots, HBOT... I’m sorry I’m Debbie downer this morning... but people have spent $4k on hyperbaric chambers, others $9k in Asia... and in the end it’s the same....really zero results. Habituate or nothing... or as it has always been said, get used to it.
       
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    30. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, possibly medication
      I will cry with you, brother. Today is very hard. Woke up at 3am and could not bear the sound but there's nowhere to escape. Trapped, acid reflux due to anxiety, depressed, feeling very weak. I managed to kiss my children and wake them up but I am scared. There is no way I can last ten years like this. I am not a good father like this. But I need to find a way through this for my kids. I don't know how.
      I admire your kindness
       
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